I think I need help. Post Natal Depression?

[needshelpx]

I gave birth one week ago today. Bit of a traumatic birth story, well I say traumatic that's probably the wrong word, I had a third degree tear caused I think by DD having her hands on either side of her face as she was coming out. Had her at 10:40pm the tear was not sewn up until 11am the following day, almost had to go and be put on a drip as the placenta took a couple of hours to come out but it came out just as they tried it for the last time.
Was in hospital 4 days altogether and was getting teary whilst I was in there and midwives who I mentioned it to put it down to the baby blues.

We came out and stayed at DP's parents till last night as i wanted to come home, even though the day before we had her we moved house, (short notice council offered us 2 bed property through bidding system and me being stupidly foolish accepted it, and am now seriously regretting it.) So its in basic form, half stuff is still packed away etc

Then there is my feelings, I have been crying alot, felt like I cannot deal with anything, had horrible thoughts about not wanting my own child! (How can I even think that) just generally feeling like I cannot cope, and regretting having a baby when I get really sad, and yet when she is quiet and calm, and I am, I'm fine, but the negative feelings keep coming back.

I feel I should stress that I do NOT feel as though i will harm myself or her, but I am worried that I will slip into a complete depression and not bond properly with my own daughter, I initially tried to breastfeed her but due to a multitude of issues there she is now on formula.

Sorry for the long post.

[DialMforMummy]

Sorry to hear that. I have not experience of PND myself but I'd say you should speak to a health professional asap. Try your GP or your health visitor.
You should also speak to your partner about how you feel.

[Albrecht]

Difficult birth PLUS moving house is a lot to deal with.

Are you still under midwife care or have they moved you to health visitors? You should have a number to contact them either way, if you can't face going to the GP. If you find it hard to bring up the subject something like "I'm not coping very well" should signal to them that you need help. They will probably ask you to do one of those Postnatal depression quiz things. Ask if there are specialist services in your area you can be referred to (there may be a waiting list so the quicker you get on it the better).

Have you told your DP how you are feeling? I know its very hard to admit to not wanting your child or similar things but its probably a reaction to the stress you've been under and you won't always feel like that. Your baby deserves a mum who doesn't have to cope with this alone. Do ask for help for her sake.

Do you have good friends or family who could come round and blitz the unpacking. Now is the sort of time you can ask for favours!

Also ask if your hospital does de-briefing sessions. Basically a midwife will go through your notes and talk you through what happened and why. I found this really helped. Its also your right to get a copy of your notes.

In the meantime keep talking to her and holding her and smiling when you feel you can. Even if it feels fake it will help you both. Take care.