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Am I being unreasonable chickening out of festival and asking friend to take DD?

(42 Posts)
marjoram Sat 07-Jul-07 09:33:28

I am currently having sleepless nights regarding The Big Green Gathering which we are supposed to go to on 1st Aug for 5 days. My instinct is telling me to stay away from the portaloos (which I will be needing pretty much constantly) and the food stalls (which will make me heave). The problem is more compicated however. My friend and her family also booked after me when they knew I was going so we could share the childcare. My DD and her DD are very good friends. If we do not go my DD will be very upset as she has been looking forward to it. So, as I am out of my tiny pregnancy mind, I asked my mate if she would consider taking my DD with her. Her and her partner gave me a reluctant yes(their words). But now I feel very guilty for even asking....what a lot of pressure to put on someone. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I do not want to let anyone down but DP says I come first ( even tho he has said he might still go with his friend (but not my daughter) if we cannot sell the tickets. And what do I say to DD if we do not go? It's too early to really tell her about pregnancy. I just do not know what to do. If anybody has any ideas, please let me know.

CristinaTheAstonishing Sat 07-Jul-07 09:36:58

How long is the festival for? If it's just a day or two, you might manage with the portaloos, just give the food stalls a wide berth if the smell makes you feel sick. TBH I wouldn't ask someone else to look after my own child too at a busy gathering, esp. when the whole "deal" was about sharing childcare. Am a bit that your DP would not consider looking after your daughter.

AudreyFforbesHamilton Sat 07-Jul-07 09:44:43

Either go with your DD.
Or stay at home with your DD.

Did I read this correctly - that your DP may still go, but he won't take your daughter - yet you asked your friend to take your daughter?

If so, I am stunned.

marjoram Sat 07-Jul-07 09:48:06

Thanks for your response. It's from wednesday till sunday. DP is not my daughter's Dad and is only going to move in with us now I'm up the duff. We've been together a year and we were planning a baby but didn't expect to get pregnant first month. I have already said to him that I would be exceedingly unimpressed if he went without us. But I think you're right, I will tell my mate that my mad pregnancy brain was not functioning properly when I asked her. I guess my daughter will survive the disappointment, especially if I take her somewhere else, like Legoland. Oh and did I mention that there's a 5 hour coach trip to the festival and back?

moopymoo Sat 07-Jul-07 09:49:08

agree that it is for dp to take daughter - i gather shes his step child, we have same situation here and i would expect dp to take my ds. failing that, you might be less sicky by the end of the month? really, get dp sorted asap.

marjoram Sat 07-Jul-07 09:55:39

I shall be 8 weeks by the time of the festival so will probably be in the throes of feeling rotten. I know each pregnancy is different but so far, I feel the same as last time. DP is reluctant to take DD as he thinks it is too much resposnsibilty for him plus he is concerned about what my DD's dad will say. For the record DD's dad is an unstable alcoholic who can pass as functioning to the rest of the world. Plus, I think that having DD would seriously cramp DP's style. I know, I'm worried too about DP. What am I doing?????

marjoram Sat 07-Jul-07 09:58:07


When I asked my mate if she'd consider taking DD I didn't know that DP would go. I assumed he'd be staying with me.

CristinaTheAstonishing Sat 07-Jul-07 10:01:28

Hmm, your DP's style will be seriously cramped by a new baby...

Leati Sat 07-Jul-07 10:01:52

I was ill with all my pregnancies. My doctor gave me vitamin b shots, they are supposed to help with the nausea. It wasn't enough for me and I ended up with and IV anyway. Next, he gave me a nausea pill that is prescribed for chemo patients. It is very expensive but it also works very well. I think the name was Zenfro. If you having a really rough time of it, you might ask your doctor about the vitamin b shots or and the Zenfro. It may help you make it to the festival after all.

footprints Sat 07-Jul-07 10:02:20

Marjoram, I don't think you're being unreasonable. How old is you DD?

Five days is a long time if you're feeling sick - could you compromise and go for a couple of days??

marjoram Sat 07-Jul-07 10:07:09

Oh yes, it certainly will. But he sees being at a festival with my DP differently to having a baby. Personally the festival is going to be a piece of cake compared to having a kid. But the activities he'd like to do at the festival are, shall we say, not really child friendly. I think if he went and my DD stayed at home I would be very upset. He's not really DD's stepdaughter as he doesn't live with us but he will be soon. Btw, the reasons he doesn't live with me, are a) he doesn't like my tiny flat, it makes him anxious and b) he doesn't like the area of the East End I live in. However, he is prepared to move in after I have decluttered and we have redecorated. Sorry, off at a tangent but I think it's all relevant. Oh God, have I made a terrible mistake?

marjoram Sat 07-Jul-07 10:08:54

thx, foorprints. I thought of that but I don't know if it would be worse for my daughter to leave the festival and her friend early or not to go at all. Plus, I'm almost afraid of what the train fare will be, altho, admittedly probably not as much as spending money at the festival.

Leati Sat 07-Jul-07 10:09:35

Read my suggestion for the nausea. And don't freak to bad because tomorrow you will different. Its the pregnancy rollercoaster.

marjoram Sat 07-Jul-07 10:09:57

sorry, DD just turned 7. and is quite mature for her age but is still 7.

FlamingTomatoes Sat 07-Jul-07 10:12:23

Your dp sounds like a brat tbh

marjoram Sat 07-Jul-07 10:14:18

Thx Leati for the advice, it's just that I'm a frequent loo vister at the best of times but what with the first trimester hormones I am constantly needing to empty my bladder. Last pregnancy was very difficult because of it.

AudreyFforbesHamilton Sat 07-Jul-07 10:17:19

I would be having a very frank discussion with DP about many things, tbh.

I think The Big Green Gathering is quite low down in the list of priorities.

Maybe start with - if you don't like my tiny flat, what are you doing to ensure your new family can move to somewhere bigger?

Not meaning to be harsh, but it sounds like you're taking a lot of crap from him.

He is going to have to grow up very, very soon.

marjoram Sat 07-Jul-07 10:20:15

oh no, Flaming Tomatoes, he is mature and wise and has a level of self awareness I don't have. Or so he says. We had a blazing row on Tues, 2 days after I found out I was pregnant.( due to him telling me that he would be moving in as a favour to me (in so many words)The discussion degenerated. When I got distressed to the point I was sobbing on the floor he told me that his opinion of me was getting lower and lower. He did apologise but I worry that he might not be as supportive as I thought he might be. He is a good man though and wouldn't deliberately hurt me, just that he is very stubborn and hates women getting upset.

moopymoo Sat 07-Jul-07 10:21:23

i think <<speaks in soft respectful tone>> you have bigger stuff to sort than this festival. it can work, my ds was 5 when i got together with (now) dh - it blew his mind to go form confirmed bachelor to dad of 2. but you need to get him totally on board - you will be very wrapped up when baby arrives, he will have to start to take some emotional responsibility for your dd. this is a useful book

marjoram Sat 07-Jul-07 10:24:29

Audrey, yes, that's what I think. He is currently studying to be a counsellor (well, next course starts in sept) and he is currently not working. Altho he says he will go back to the motorcycle courier job he did until a year ago. He also said that I just want a man to help me with the finances. Which infuriated me as I'm fully independent and pay for everything, including, the shopping and treats. And he contributes nothing financially. But he says finance is just one thing. Tbh, he has had no adult intimate relationships (his choice, he had a seriously f**ked up childhood) and I think it's all a steep learning curve for him.

AudreyFforbesHamilton Sat 07-Jul-07 10:24:39

marjoram, you come across as being so lovely and accepting.

But there seems to be such a contrast between a man who "is mature and wise and has a level of self awareness I don't have", and a man who upsets his pregnant partner so much (just 2 days after finding out that she is pregnant), that she is sobbing on the floor.

And his reaction was to tell you that his opinion of you is getting lower and lower.

marjoram Sat 07-Jul-07 10:26:24

Moopymoo, thank you. I will order that now. I'm feeling a little overwought and a bit weepy to be honest. I picked the wrong man last time, I really hope I haven't done it again.

marjoram Sat 07-Jul-07 10:31:51

I know Audrey, it upsets me to even think about it. If I deviate from what behaviour is acceptable to him, he gets very upset. And he wants to be a counsellor! I don't know what else to do about how we communicate. But ladies, thx so much for making me see that the festival was the issue I was hiding behind. I'm sad my DD won't be going but she'll get over it, I'm sure. I don't think I'll get over it if DP goes without us tho.

FlamingTomatoes Sat 07-Jul-07 10:34:57

By saying he has a level of self awareness you don't have, he is actually right.

He is far more aware of himself than you are. He is more aware of himself than you are of him. He sounds more aware of himself than he is of anything, to be honest.

This is not necessarily a good thing, and the fact that he is basically openly boasting about being selfish would worry me.

marjoram Sat 07-Jul-07 10:39:35

It's a little worrying to me actually. He was saying on Tuesday night that he was glad he hadn't told his parents, as he was not sure if would be with me if I behaved like that. I don't know what to do about it. I have read books on how to communicate better and have suggested couples counselling but he says he is already having therapy and it's me who should have some. Oh God, I'm painting a bleak picture, In many ways he is loving and supportive and helpful, it's just that he has very high expectations of other people and I sometimes think they are unreasonable.

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