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Dad in need of advice(21 Posts)
Apologies if this is in the wrong place, but couldn't find anywhere obvious.
I'll keep it brief;
My wife and I are expecting out first child (girl) in Feb and we have reached a deadlock re the buggy.
We've picked a model which comes in lots of different colours. She likes pink and purple and I just can't get my head around pushing a pink buggy. I like red or black which would work with a future baby - boy or girl.
I'm really excited about the new arrival, but I feel like I've made loads of concessions already (name in particular).
I'm the main breadwinner and swore a long time ago that I wouldn't never throw that in her face, and I won't, but I feel like I should have more say.
Am I being unreasonable?
Not unreasonable at all until you mentioned not wanting to 'throw' being the main breadwinner at her and then it suddenly sounded like you DO believe earning more gives you more say. For the record it doesn't.
Have you explained to her that you'd rather be pushing a less pink one?
HAHAAHAHAHAHAHA! Is this serious? Are you an actual grown-up? You don't want to push a pink buggy, for God's sake, why? Worried you might look gay pushing around your offspring - the fruits of your heterosexual relationship?! Get a fucking grip. Do not mention being the main earner, totally irrelevant unless you earn so much you can buy both buggies, in which case do it and shut up. Actually growing the baby inside you for 9 months, pushing it out of your vagina, sacrificing to some extent your figure, career, finances and risking your physical health wins MASSIVELY over "but I earn more". Of course you fucking do - you don't have to interrupt your career to push a fucking baby out.
Please, please stop being a dick. She will be pushing the buggy a shit load more than you will, just get the colour she prefers.
Thanks for your speedy reply.
For the record I didn't say I wanted to say that to her, I confirmed I wouldn't. I'm aware that's neither fair nor relavent. But it's an unfair and irelavennt feeling I have which I think better shared here than in my house.
I think I deserve more say based on concessions I've already made, and the fact I will also be pushing it around.
Do any other partners have an issue pushing a pink pram? Should I just get over it as it will make her happy?
You don't get more of a say over your child or their stuff because you make more money, that's ridiculous.
However I agree you should both be happy with any major decisions for your child, or life in general as you risk building resentment otherwise. Bear in mind that your wife is being flooded with hormones at the moment so even decisions like the colour of a pram will be a huge deal right now. You need to pick your moment to have a calm, non accusatory discussion about how you want to make decisions for the baby as a couple and figure out what works for both of you.
If pushing a pink pram is a huge deal breaker for you then I don't think YANBU but how you go about explaining this is the most important thing.
I also think you both need to be happy with the name of your daughter, this is so important I refused to compromise and we found a name we both liked.
Oh and congratulations on your baby
Agree with PP about the "throw thing". My DP was v hands on so we went with a more neutral pram (which was fine for DD and DS you may have another baby in the future) and unisex changing bag. we co-parent and we're happy for our accessories to reflect that.
Once your DD is here colour of the pram will be the least of your problems! And you'll be another smitten dad just wanting to show off your adorable DD.
Ok I'm going to ignore the bread winner comment (my brain desperately wants to point out how pathetic that sounds when your wife is currently pregnant)
We went for a plain travel system way back when. If was blue with white pinstripe. It was my choice and mainly choice for practical reasons such as handle bar height.
However it it now being used again by a very good friend who has made it totally her own with lots of vibrant blankets, cossie toes etc
Would you consider this as a half way point?
E.g. more neutral pram and lots of vibrant bedding?
If not then how much are you actually going to be using it personally? Pushing a pink or purple pram is not an issue for a lot of father's.
My husband wouldn't have wanted to push a pink pram either - thankfully it wasn't an issue for us as I don't like colored ones either. Same applies for the boy we're having now - neither of us would want a blue one either
I personally think the colored ones aren't as nice and potentially a massive waste of money if your second baby is a different gender
I'd point out what a massive expense is and how with second baby you might not be in a position to spend another £500-£1000 on a second pram when thereby nothing wrong with the one you have. You can get plenty pink covers, blankets, pram toys etc to make to obvious it's a girl
You should 100% get a say too, just try to be diplomatic about it
I got a black buggy because, although I had a girl, I know I want more so went for a neutral colour. It also shows the dirt less. My DP and I chose the buggy together and it was an exciting thing to do. He did a lot of the shopping around for it but he wouldn't have given a crap about the colour. He carries my handbag or DD's Peppa Pig bag all the time and never bats an eyelid.
Get rid of any feelings of earning more gives you more say. It absolutely doesn't and makes you sound like a brat.
Thanks all - even those will fairly barbed responses.
Was merely a call for advice from someone who doesnt get it right all the time, but tries to do their best.
Big takeaway for me is from Haggard1, and I agree that as soon as she arrives I'll adore her more than I can imagine.
Pink it is.
Ps to clarify the earning more comment was about having more of a say that I currently do, not more of a say that her
You've clearly never used MN before. Barbed comments are the life and sole of the threads.
Congratulations on your DD by the way.
My 5yr old son loves his pink toy buggy, he likes to play at being a dad.
Oh and you should'nt have to swear a promise to yourself not to throw your "breadwinner" status in your wife's face, you should you know, just be a fucking decent person and not even think such wanky thoughts.
You're over thinking and being a dick, stop it.
Def not being unreasonable you are thinking ahead, your wife is obviously not thinking of the future if you do decide to have more children I don't hating she would like having to go out and buy another new buggy, also my DH would def not push a link buggy either, really do need to talk to your wife and and explain. Hope it goes well for you both.
The problem is FirstTimeDadLondon when you write this
*i'm the main breadwinner and swore a long time ago that I wouldn't never throw that in her face, and I won't, but I feel like I should have more say.
Am I being unreasonable?*
You sound not only unreasonable but quite unpleasant. How much percentage you contribute financially to your family does equal how much control you have over decisions.
If you really don't like the pink pram for financial reasons e.g. it's a expensive investment which would need to be replaced if we had another child. That's a good logical reason, why not suggest a nuetral pram and colourful bedding which is cheaper to replace?
The main issue is your intonation that because you earn more you should be the senior partner. You need to change this thought pattern.
Respect for coming on here and actually listening to the advice! FWIW I also chose a pink buggy and a pink change bag when pregnant with my first. Choosing and buying stuff pink was a bit of joy in the otherwise really fucking uncomfortable, painful and scary time of being pregnant. It made the pregnancy more about the lovely baby girl I was about to be blessed with, rather than about my physical discomfort, expanding waist (and everywhere else!), vomiting, and all the other shit. I'm really glad dh supported all my choices, I needed that.
When we had ds, we didn't buy a new buggy, we just put him in our pink one - guess what happened... nothing, obviously. He's not even gay! (Well, not as far as we know so far anyway, he's only 4). You wouldn't necessarily have to buy a different colour one for the next baby, it does the same job whatever colour it is. However, it might be worth saying to your dw that you'd like more children in the not too distant future, ask if she would be happy to still use this pram for the next baby, if it's a boy.
What she's doing is really worth more than money. I think you will have a bit of a reality check when the baby arrives. It's difficult for you to appreciate what she's going through right now, but once you see her giving birth to your baby, a real whole little person, I think you'll feel a dick for asking for more say about silly stuff like buggy colour.
I wish you both all the best.
Uh, I think you should both agree on major decisions for your baby. I think its a bit weird you have a problem pushing a pink pram though.
I personally don't want pink for our DD due in Feb but its because I don't like gendered stuff for kids. I asked my DH if he would mind pushing a pink pram and he said no and though the objection was a bit weird on your part though.
Good luck figuring it out. I'm ignoring the earnings comment as you've heard enough about that already and why its wrong.
My hubby wouldn't push a pink buggy either so you're not alone there! Rather than using this as a reason have you talked about what happens if you go on to have another child? I know others have pointed out that it's a massive expense if you have to do it all again in a couple of years... that's why we went for neutral . And not everyone on here is barbed
If i wanted to go for a pink or purple I'm sure my husband would oblige, however, I know he would feel uncomfortable with the idea which is something I absolutely wouldn't want.
Luckily for him, we both agreed on a gender neutral pram.
Congrats to you both OP ( and ignore some of the awful comments made by some on here!). You made 50% of that baby so, in my view, you have the equal right to all choices....
If my partner didn't like any of the choice I had made (as he's not a decider, I decide everything) I would 100% meet in the middle, have you tried explaining to her that isn't what you really want?
You shouldn't have to compromise so heavily on the name, do you really not like it? That's totally unfair, it's your DD too, if I had my way completely our DC would have very different names, but compromise was needed, as they're as much dhs as mine.
I don't like pink/blue prams either, and bought red/black with mine.
She really needs to take what you want into account, not because you earn more, but because you're equals.
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