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The rainbow cave - where we can remember our angels and pray for our rainbow.

(511 Posts)
3littlebadgers Wed 20-Jan-16 07:30:06

Hello ladies, the other thread was full, so welcome to the rainbow cave. A place where we can hide away together as we remember our beautiful angel babies, and pray for our tiny rainbows.

Introducing myself and my babies for anyone new,

Name: 3littlebadgers
Angel: DD2, Azra stillborn at 40+5 March 2015
Rainbow: badger boy currently 36+1
Other DCs: ds1, ds2, dd1

3littlebadgers Wed 20-Jan-16 07:34:15

Oh kitty, I am thinking of you today and your beautiful little rose flowers I hope the day is peaceful for you and you are given the space to feel how you feel.

[waves to everyone else]

Afm sweep was more of a gentle dusting, but I lost my plug last night smile if all it does is help the induction along I will be happy. Come on badger boy just 6 more days to hang on for mummy.

Love to you all flowers

KittyandTeal Wed 20-Jan-16 08:04:09

Thanks. Today is a rough one, probably worse than fri when It'll be a year since Rose was born.

Name: kitty
Angel: Rose tfmr at 22 weeks after T18 diagnosis
Rainbow: (that feels very odd typing, didn't think ironworks ever happen) 7 weeks today.
Other children: dd1 3yo

KittyandTeal Wed 20-Jan-16 08:04:58

Come on baby boy badger, hang in there and arrive easily smile Lots of love to you badgers

OwlinaTree Wed 20-Jan-16 08:59:21

Thinking of you kitty, it will be a hard day.

Angel DD, born sept 12, died at 3 days old.
Rainbow DS born march 14. 10+1 with rainbow 2.

haquoi123 Wed 20-Jan-16 10:05:59

Thinking of you kitty flowers

Exciting news 3, 6 days is not long!

Name: haquoi123
Angel: Baby boy Marvellous, stillborn (my categorisation) 19 weeks 3/9/14
Rainbow: 37+4

Afm, I've not caught up on the old thread, sorry. We brought ds' moses basket home and I had a massive wobble and couldn't really handle everything. Feeling better now and have been approved for my home birth (after a little hiccup, but I essentially made it clear that being in hospital for any reason other than medical would be detrimental to both mine and baby's health), so just waiting now. It's all very exciting, we're so close.

KittyandTeal Wed 20-Jan-16 10:30:00

Haquoi I'm glad they've given you a home birth.

I'm not surprised at the wobble, I imagine we've all got lots of those to come.

3littlebadgers Wed 20-Jan-16 12:32:13

Yey Haquoi I'm so pleased we're on for the home birth! smile I hope it will be very tranquil for you all. Have you had any niggles or signs?

haquoi123 Wed 20-Jan-16 18:01:19

No signs at all 3, the occasional bh but nothing otherwise! After a pregnancy full of scares it's all gone quiet!! How about you since losing the mucus plug?

The health visitor came today and was lovely. She acknowledged ds but also mentioned a lot of ftm groups that I could join and seemed to assume I hadn't gone through labour or felt that joy of being handed my baby (even though he had died by then). She's not the only one and while it's not new, it's something I'm experiencing a lot more, the assumption that I'm a ftm even when people know better. Technically I haven't done it before with a living child, but it grates so much as I want to correct everyone. Has anyone else got any good ways of dealing with it?

KittyandTeal Wed 20-Jan-16 18:06:42

I have no advice I'm afraid as I had dd1 before dd2 died (obviously)

Maybe a gentle 'yes I remember' or 'in my last labour...'.

Ftm stuff like baby groups will be a first but all the medical and emotional stuff is second time around, yes it'll be different but, having done both a live and a stillborn birth physically and emotionally there are lots of things the same. Only difference for me was being allowed morphine and not leaving with my baby.

OwlinaTree Wed 20-Jan-16 18:26:13

The mum groups are a bit of a minefield tbh. People are friendly but often want to talk about the birth etc, which I found really difficult. I'd had a section with my son but been induced with my daughter, but felt I couldn't really talk about my induction as then I'd have to mention my daughter which I didn't want to do first meeting of new people. I didn't do any pre natal groups because I didn't think I'd cope with trying to keep quiet about it etc. V difficult.

Once I had got to know some other news mums a bit better, I felt comfortable telling then about my daughter, and they were very kind, I don't think it changed the friendships. But it is so hard I think when you first meet people 'is it your first?' Etc.

3littlebadgers Wed 20-Jan-16 18:52:28

I'm getting better at who can 'take' the news when I meet new people. If I think they can handle it, I tell them about my angel. I feel better in myself having acknowledged her and her birth. People will be sad for us because it is sad. If you want to talk about Marvellous and his birth do so my lovely, you earned the right when you brought him into the world for that far too brief but oh so precious time. Also if people make the ftm comments, and you feel able to correct them, please do. If nothing but to save you the comments, but also to educate them, and maybe save another poor mother from that conversation. It is all so very crappy. As if it wasn't't hard enough already.
Arm No more niggles today, but sweep part two tomorrow afternoon.

KittyandTeal Wed 20-Jan-16 19:10:44

Gosh, yeah I'd forgotten the obsession with sharing birth stories etc. That is a minefield. I dread the 'so how many kids have you got?' Type questions. Not because I don't want to tell people but that I hate feeling like I've made them feel awkward, I always end up apologising at some point.

This is why baby loss should be something we all talk about more, so it's less taboo and people know how to react when someone says they lost a baby.

OwlinaTree Wed 20-Jan-16 19:44:07

It is hard, but I try to remember a lot of the 'is it your first?' Sort of questions are people just trying to start a conversation, make conversation etc. So I kind of fudge it a bit to be honest with an answer like 'he's my only one yes', or 'Just this one for now!' And then sort of reflect it back to the other person if I'm trying to make friends with them. If it's a checkout lady or bus driver asking I just say yes tbh. They are just saying it for something to say.

haquoi123 Wed 20-Jan-16 21:09:30

Thanks for all the advice. It's stupid that we have to deal with this, isn't it? I know it's less taboo now than for my nana, who lost her twins in the 1940s, but it's still like wading through ignorant mud. So far I've been answering the 'is it your first?' with a simple no, or 'first living child, hopefully', depending on how caught out I feel. It's a horrible question, but I refuse to make other people feel better by ignoring him (how to make friends!) But now these groups (and the blooming antenatal classes) are all about being a ftm. And I feel like I'm being forced into keeping quiet about him. Also because he's classed as a late miscarriage people think he wasn't real and are really quick to brush him under the carpet. Urgh. Anyway, rant over. Hoops to jump over while gritting my teeth. It's his due date tomorrow, 1st year anniversary. Thanks again everyone xx

OwlinaTree Wed 20-Jan-16 21:16:40

Hope tomorrow goes OK haquoi.

hopinghopefullyagain Thu 21-Jan-16 05:13:15

I'm late to the party (as usual ) but glad I found you. Not least because I've been awake and thinking about everything and nothing since ten past 3! It's going to be a VERY long day I feel. So..
I'm hoping (literally) , our angel Poppy was stillborn on 6.11.15 with trisomy 13 and I'm 6+ 2 with our rainbow.
Am dreading the 'is this your first' question nearly as much as I've dreaded 'have you got children? ' I think my answer is going to depend on who is asking, why they need and want to know and whether I think they can cope with the answer. In lots of ways, I'm finding this tougher than the whole trisomy experience. Hope that today is peaceful and productive for all

hopinghopefullyagain Thu 21-Jan-16 05:14:28

Thinking of you today haquoi

hopinghopefullyagain Thu 21-Jan-16 05:15:47

And good luck with the second part of the sweep badgers

3littlebadgers Thu 21-Jan-16 07:03:14

Wishing you all the best for today.
Haquoi, thinking of you and Marvellous and hope the day goes peacefully for you. flowers
Hopefully I told the maternity psychologist something similar, that I am finding this harder than when I lost my baby. She said it is because we are coming from a different place emotionally. When we lost our babies, we were until that point in a good place mentally, so even though we were going through hell, we had the reserves to deal with it. However those reserves have been severely depleted and our confidence undermined, so now even dealing with the very notion of something going wrong and all of the other emotions to negotiate, is much harder work. It kind of makes sense when you think of it like that.
Owl is right, often people are just trying to spark up conversation by raising the how many kids question, and as kitty said baby loss needs to be talked about more.
At first I worried, very much, about discussing my loss with other pregnant people becuase it would give them something to worry about. The more I have had to face it the less difficult, in terms of worrying about the other person, it gets. A few people have shared their stories too. I was sat in a busy coffee shop one day and the lady sat next to me asked how long I had left, is it your first etc. she looked like an open and strong woman so I explained. She had lost her third child at a few days old, many years earlier, because of mistake the hospital had made. We spent ages sitting together and chatting. I found that the older generation are more comfortable with it, despite it being a taboo in their day, maybe becuase loss is more common for them, or maybe baby loss is less of a threat.
The most difficult people have been the people who I knew who were excited for me while I was pregnant with Azra, but then didn't want to know once she had died. I had a desperate need to talk about her but any time I tried they littlerally would squirm wanting to get away. One of the most painful ones is one of the mums from DD's ballet class. She recently had her own baby, and doesn't stop talking about him, which is perfectly understandable, but a childish, jealous part of me hates her for not listening to me and making me listen to her. The build up to her baby's first Christmas had me sat in the car in tears many times. Maybe she just forgot it would have been my baby's first Christmas too sad

hellsdells82 Thu 21-Jan-16 07:04:00

Hi all, 30+5 today.
Thankyou badger for the link,hope allns well amd your sweep/s work. Apologies for hiding in the background here,i have been reading lurking in the background and after a looong xmas and ny,im just getting myself back on track. teenagers/hormones
I will leave my stats here for now then come back after school rush with the basics.
Much love and rainbow dust to all.

Name;- Dells
Angel;- Joseph 'jojo' - 27/04/15 @39wks.
Other DC's ;- DS 28/02/00 (pain in the butt)
DD ;- 31/01/06 (almost 10 going on 30!)
Rainbow Due ;- 26th March (due to be induced circa 7th march @37+wks)

KittyandTeal Thu 21-Jan-16 08:20:56

Thinking of you today haquoi, hope it's as peaceful day as it can be.

Good luck badgers, fingers crossed the sweep works today

hellsdells82 Thu 21-Jan-16 15:00:15

Hi all,
hope everyone is doing ok today.
badger how are things today? Any signs or twinges? Hope all is well.

Brief breakdown for myself.
Loooong few weeks,have a very grumpy nr 16yr old ds who has a gf and phew...who knew teenage relationships could be sooo confusing.and hard work im sure mine never were obviousley spending every second of time with gf is much much more important than revising for exams or even just helping around the house. The never ending teenage battle continues with pointless arguments and tiresome "words" that lead to nothing.
DD was moved from her school and started a new school january term. She barely slept due to nerves so we barely slept,making the whole pregsomnia situation for me a trillion times worse.--cue grumpy mum--
DD has finally settled and made new friends and this week she hasnt entered our room at night once.I still have pregsomnia though!
Hubby is great,although i am sick of being bored. Due to all the early bleeding i dont have anything to do with my horses for fear of hurting myself. He does it all....apart from riding. Bless him hes a superstar. I did try and pitch in with a bit of stable sweeping but was asked to go and do feed instead as less strenuous. Bit at least that was something. or i was actually interfering with his routine and he didnt like it
Im feeling extremely tired today,has anyone else had this sudden onset of wanting to sleep extremely bad? Baby has been wriggling about creating earthquakes with its bum so wonder if thats made me more lethargic. I have had a couple of episodes of reduced movement but they were mainly after 2/3 days of consistent movement and i put it down to baby moving position and getting tired. Im wondering if thats the possible pattern for this baby. There hasnt really been one yet but this does happen every few days of constant fidgeting.
Ive seriousley hit the extreme worry stage now. Even thoigh ive felt movement i will still sit and question myself if ive felt movement. Was it strong/light,left/right side, ribs/cervix...the list goes on.
I did double ask the consultant that i was deffo gona be induced early amd thwy did confirm it,i hope they stick to it. Im a nervous wreck now let alone in 7wks!

Hello to everyone else. Im crap with names but wish you all the best of luck and semd lots of rainbow dust your way. Hugs all round too. Xxxxxx flowers

3littlebadgers Thu 21-Jan-16 17:18:47

Ok badger boy was quiet today, so at sweep the 2nd I got a bit emotional and shakey and they are bringing me in tonight to start off the induction process. I am so scared ladies, please pray he will be ok. I just need him to be ok. They said being 37+2 he might need help breathing! I just need him to be ok. I picked the children up from school and they are so excited I need it to be ok for them. Just waiting for DH to get home so I can go in.

haquoi123 Thu 21-Jan-16 17:43:03

Best of luck 3, I'll be thinking of you and sending wishes and good vibes your way. Baby badger is almost here! flowers and I don't know if it helps, but little Azra will be routing for you and her brother xx

Thanks for all of the well wishes. Today was good - I bought some flowers and had my counselling session and then came home to a beautiful card from MIL and the two crochet hats I've had made for my two boys. That cracked me and I had a good cry, just seeing the hats together. But it felt like a positive cry, and DH came home halfway through and was lovely.

Sorry to hear about the angst hells. How far along are you now? And yes to the sleeping. All. The. Time.

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