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Mum has no time for my Kids

(91 Posts)
FLOandOLLIE Wed 10-Apr-19 00:16:30

Need some opinions.

We live over 4 hours from my mum. We are going down there this weekend to pick children up as they have stayed few days at MIL's. My mum has no room to have them. Anyway said I would meet her Saturday with kids and go to tbe park if weather nice. She said that would be lovely and reminded me she would be going out at 5pm for evening. That was fine but then she messsged to say "probably be best to leave Saturday as im out most days this week and will be too tired if i see you and kids for Saturday evening. I said " what about for an hour then" and she replied: best to leave it till another time". So hurt. She has just had her birthday and we have her present. Kids love seeing her. She isnt bothered. She sees my niece regular now and seems like she's lost interest in my 6 and 8 year old. Just a rant,sorry!!

Widowodiw Wed 10-Apr-19 20:07:20

@Justkeeprollingalong they were never the typical grandparents but yes they saw each other. The nan looked after them a lot in the early weeks of my husbands illness but that all stopped three weeks before he passed. A few texts asking what they want for Xmas but never a “how they doing?” The reason will be ya because they are grieving. Well so are my 7 and 10 year old but you just have time get on and make the most out if the situation.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Wed 10-Apr-19 11:34:15

How can you out stay your welcome and your mums. I really don't get it, very peculiar.

Loopytiles Wed 10-Apr-19 11:20:25

Major dripfeed there OP. So she’s in an abusive relationship.

saraclara Wed 10-Apr-19 09:22:18

I missed a page, and posted what keenwa salad had already said. And yes, I was thinking about it as part welfare check, too.

saraclara Wed 10-Apr-19 09:20:51

I'd simply text to say "sorry you can't come out. But is it okay if we pop by for ten minutes so the children can give you your birthday present?"

outpinked Wed 10-Apr-19 09:20:04

I suspect step dad is controlling to an extent he dictates where she goes, who she sees etc and he has told her to cancel seeing you because he doesn’t want to. She needs help.

keenwasalad Wed 10-Apr-19 09:15:36

Honestly this doesn't sound like it's about you at all.
Is her DH abusive?
I would text her and say,
"Ok but we are going to pop in for a cuppa on way home so we can give you yr bday gift!"

Please. I think she needs a welfare check

Justkeeprollingalong Wed 10-Apr-19 09:08:07

That's really sad @Widowodiw. Did they have a good relationship before your husband died?
OP, ring your mum and tell her how hurt you are.

lyralalala Wed 10-Apr-19 08:59:21

Have you spoken to your sister in the last few days? Given your update I'd be wondering if she'd seen your sister recently. If she hasn't that's worrying.

Phone her and ask her if you can pop in with her present on your way to collect the kids. Even if it's out of your way I'd offer/do that because if she's in a controlling relationship and is acting out of character it sounds worrying.

Gizlotsmum Wed 10-Apr-19 08:57:17

I would suggest you ask if you can just pop by to drop off her present and see her briefly as you and the kids really want yo see her even just for an hour

MyNewBearTotoro Wed 10-Apr-19 08:55:56

What is the relationship with your stepdad and your sister like compared with his relationship with you?

Some people just don’t really like kids and being a grandparent doesn’t necessarily change that but it seems odd if she spends a lot of time with your sister’s daughter. I’m wondering if he is being controlling and trying to stop your Mum seeing you/ your children and that’s why she’s cancelled whilat sending out mixed messages. Would there be a reason your stepdad might be less happy for your Mum to spend time with you compared to your sister?

cheeserolls Wed 10-Apr-19 08:50:44

Read the the thread springwalk.

Springwalk Wed 10-Apr-19 08:48:54

I have some similar problems with my mum. I would text her to say you and the children are very hurt and disappointed, and let her reflect on the message from you. I would then stop messaging her and post her birthday present to her.

I would consider distancing myself from someone who hurt me like this. Your dc relationship with their gp is not 'essential' and if your mother doesn't want a bond with them at some point you have to respect her decision. Not all gps want to be part of their gc lives, that is a fact.

It is important to be bright and breezy with your dc to shield them from this. Make an excuse that GM is getting old and tired, and you will all see her another time and change the subject. Whatever the issues with your mother, avoid getting the children involved.

Only you can decide whether you actually want a close relationship with someone that prioritises a night out over seeing her grandchildren that live far away and she rarely sees. She sounds really selfish to me.

cheeserolls Wed 10-Apr-19 08:48:34

I wouldn't just turn up.... if he is being like that. Could cause no end of issues for her when you go... but I don't know how to sort it.
Who knows if she is really put with friends all the time ?

Even if you could get her on her own, if he is being controlling to a large extent, she won't see or want to see what he is doing. It sounds like she has chinks of seeing the issues and then is back to being blinkered again

A lot of us on MN have been in her position... I don't know what to suggest but go carefully.

PeachesAndMayo Wed 10-Apr-19 08:43:47

How about setting up a visit to yours for her? Maybe a weekend when she can be pampered and spoiled?

ThreeAnkleBiters Wed 10-Apr-19 08:40:31

With the update I'd also be very worried the step dad was behind this. Is there any way she can come up to stay with you for a while?

woollyheart Wed 10-Apr-19 08:40:03

Maybe just pop by and see her anyway. Say you were worried about her replies as they seemed out of character and you are checking she is ok.

howmanyleftfeet Wed 10-Apr-19 08:39:05

Cross posts book worm!

howmanyleftfeet Wed 10-Apr-19 08:38:14

This might not be about you at all.

Your mother is in an unhappy relationship with a controlling man.

She wants to leave.

Abusive men separate their victims from family. You have said you would support your mum to leave by giving her somewhere to run to. (Perhaps he even knows this.)

Controlling men don't suddenly become nice. If she confided in you she wants to leave but can't that's a massive red flag.

Could you suggest that you pop in on her for a cup of tea (or better still, get her out of the house) on your way to pick the DC up so it's just you- and check on her?

Bookworm4 Wed 10-Apr-19 08:35:34

Controlling husband is obviously the reason if she's went from looking forward to the visit to fobbing you off. Your mum sounds like she needs your help; I would pop round.

MissClareRemembers Wed 10-Apr-19 08:35:28

Have you asked your sister? Does your DM see your niece at your DSis house or at her own house?

FLOandOLLIE Wed 10-Apr-19 08:32:21

She has done similar before and we didnt talk but then she realised what she had done and was very sorry. Think I will just have to leave her to it and let her come back to me

RandomMess Wed 10-Apr-19 08:31:01

This really could ALL be your stepdad trying to cut contact because he knows you would help your Mum leave.

I would drop by with a bunch of flowers as an excuse to check up on her.

Is the parent of your DN a half or full sibling?

NoSauce Wed 10-Apr-19 08:30:43

Last time i was down ahe opened up to me and said if she could leave she would

Obviously something is wrong then and it would appear it’s not because she doesn’t want to see you.

FLOandOLLIE Wed 10-Apr-19 08:30:05

Thats very sad for you.

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