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Being 2nd fiddle to partners kids activities

(77 Posts)
Catg76 Sun 07-Apr-19 14:58:50

Just looking for others opinions as maybe I'm being demanding or unreasonable? My boyfriend of 8 years (we do not live together BTW). Sees his teenage kids a week night every week and a Fri sat and Sun night every other week, plus any extra nights they ever ask to stay, now my issue atm is I just feel Like I don't know where I fit in anymore, I've always had the view of kids come first as mine do with me but he seems to do more that the average absent dad which in some ways is good, good dad I guess and nice for his kids but atm seems like he never has any time to me to spend with me, he ends up working list Saturdays and every Sunday takes his son to football even though originally when it was agreed his ex would do it every other week, this never happened, he ended up volunteering to coach the football too so even though yes I expect kids come first if they need him but I feeling really pissed off lately that he chooses to go to football training every wed and matches Sunday meani g we never get to go out for day or do anything, but I'm made to reel like the bad guy cos they're his kids and hmax he said today hell spend as much tme with them as he can. He's due to work away all next week, this was our weekend without his kids but as his dad was visiting abroad and staying with him his daughter stayed fri and sat, I said you don't have kids tonight do you (Sunday) as not his weekend and his dad has gone, he said yes his daughter wants to stay as she won't see him in her week night as he's working away (she's 13). It annoyed me as she'd already stayed two extra nights, where as I now won't seem him for over a week, am I being unreasonable to want to be a, priority sometimes, or expect him to make alternative arrangements for football every other week he doesn't have his kids?

Catg76 Sun 07-Apr-19 21:01:44

His sons mother, he originally said he'd be doing it every other week and she would take him on the alternate weeks

lifebegins50 Sun 07-Apr-19 20:05:34

Op, it does feel like he doesn't consider your feelings and does what he likes.

I doubt you will change him, he probably puts himself first, then the children. Has he ever truly been there for you? Does he have your back?

I think the cheating suggest he pushes boundaries

Stargazer888 Sun 07-Apr-19 19:51:25

I think him continuing to coach football even if his son quits makes sense because you can't just quit on everyone else in the middle of the season. I actually think it sets a fantastic example for his ds by not quitting!
When you say you arranged with his mom to do football this week do you mean his ex of dp's mom?

IncrediblySadToo Sun 07-Apr-19 19:02:58

He lies
He cheated
He shouts aggressively
He never puts you first
He never goes out of his way to spend time with you

...I’m struggling to see why you’re persisting with this relationship tbh.

Yes, kids NEEDS come first, that doesn’t mean their every whim comes first. There is absolutely no harm in occasionally saying ‘No love, you can’t stay tonight as I have already made plans with Cat tonight’. The same way any other parents organise babysitters.

Bingandflop2019 Sun 07-Apr-19 18:50:10

@longwayoff hmm OP never suggested otherwise hmm In fact, if you'd read her OP, you'd have seen she even said that she knows kids come first - always.......


Bingandflop2019 Sun 07-Apr-19 18:48:59

I totally get what you're saying OP.

To those who are calling you names and giving you grief - There is a difference between being a good, devoted Dad and then going as far as OP's DP and totally neglecting his relationship. Big difference. He could at least show SOME interest or desire to spend time with her, even if it doesn't happen often.
Like a PP said, why have a partner if you can't/won't make any time for them whatsoever?!

longwayoff Sun 07-Apr-19 18:48:15

Children first. Really. Even when you think they're old enough to do whatever unsupported, they still come first. Children don't choose to come here, we bring them. You have choice. He sounds like a reasonable guy. Stick with it.

Catg76 Sun 07-Apr-19 18:47:52

Very occasionally we will have dinner altogether but difficult as with the kids being teens they have their own lives and friends etc stuff they want to do. All. The kids I think moan about having to spend time with eachother which is a shame as when they do they all get on OK and have a better time than they thought they would,

Bingandflop2019 Sun 07-Apr-19 18:46:11

@starzig Are you not reading all of OP's posts?!! She knows that! She's not got a problem with him being with or seeing his kids often. She's just asking for some effort from him to see her at some point. To show some kind of willing!


Catg76 Sun 07-Apr-19 18:45:23

Its got more as the years went on tbh

RomanyQueen1 Sun 07-Apr-19 18:32:27

YANBU, of course he should see his kids, but why does he have a gf if he doesn't want to spend time with you.
Ask him straight out where you fit in? It sounds like he is happy keeping you waiting for the crumbs, not attractive in a man at all.
He's a great Dad, not so much a partner.
Maybe time to cut your losses.

Leeds2 Sun 07-Apr-19 18:32:19

Do you ever have an evening out together, as in you, your OH, your children and his? Am thinking of something like a meal out together when it is one of your birthdays?

outpinked Sun 07-Apr-19 18:27:20

I think he sounds like a fantastic Father and it’s a shame more Father’s aren’t the same. I understand why you have a problem with it but after eight years together, you kinda know the score. He spends a lot of time with his DC and that’s great, they genuinely should always come before you or any other perspective partner. If it annoys you so much, find another partner who either doesn’t have children or who isn’t so proactive with them.

starzig Sun 07-Apr-19 18:22:43

YABU. I also don't want to be 2nd fiddle to children so would not date men with children. You knew he had kids.

Catg76 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:55:51

Anyways, I appreciate everyone's input the positive and negative, good to get unbiased views.

Catg76 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:53:05

Oh my gosh some people aren't getting what I'm saying, I would spend more time with me with them it's not always possible with my kids also and everyone's schedules. I think it's great for his kids that he's sees them. Lots and is involved he does a lot more than their mum it seems, and on occasion if needed I step in to help with appointments or taxiing etc if he has to work late etc, unfortunately my kids dad is crap and does the least he has to do which is upsetting for them as now they're getting older they realise his needs come first. I do everything for my kids always would and they come first but I do on occasion arrange for a babysitter or alternative arrangements to make time for my partner (and I don't get to spend much time with mine either as they have hobbies yol late most evenings, voupje if nights with their dad then they like to see friends and sleep out) so on OCCASIO I put my partner and our relationship first so yes I ferl its a bit one sided at times

user1473878824 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:45:25

Tbh OP I think if you have very different takes on parenting, family life, how you want things to be etc. it all does sound a bit pointless...

MRex Sun 07-Apr-19 17:44:28

Nice back-pedal there, but OK so he's a lying cheater who shouts a lot and maybe his son only thinks his father might hit him. He doesn't sound like as much of a catch now. Are you sure you wouldn't prefer someone where it's all a bit easier?

Catg76 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:43:26

He's never been violent to me or any of the kids, he can shout very loud though! When he's told them off for whatever reason. Yes I have major issues with any lies or deceit and it has affected us majorly with trust issues now, but like I said we're trying to work through it. Most of the time it's OK and things improving but sometimes thoughts crop up again.

Chloemol Sun 07-Apr-19 17:42:22

Sorry you are being awful. Put yourself in the shoes of the children, would you want to be regulated to one night a week and Eow? I think it’s great he wants to be so involved and the kids want to see him, all kids are entitled to two parents. Why don’t you spend time with them as well if you are a key part of his life? Or are you? Do you need to ha e that discussion? However kids always come first

Catg76 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:40:09

I think the consensus here is maybe we're just not compatible?! 😕. We have very differing views on relationships and what's acceptable and unacceptable. Think main problem stems from where we don't live together, if we did it wouldn't be an issue as we'd all be in same house kids there or not and I have no issues with kids being round, it's quite nice on the rare occasions we get to do it.

cuppycakey Sun 07-Apr-19 17:36:27

So he's a cheat with tendencies for lying and violence?

Seriously OP - why would you want this person in your life?

Catg76 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:36:02

No he's never hit anyone, but he can shout very loud, his son was saying derogatory things to his sister which his dad pulled him up on, and then called his dad a prick (lol typical teen really). Dad has had a go and shouted Son stormed off up the road, tbh just a family drama with teens and siblings but could've been handled better imo.

MRex Sun 07-Apr-19 17:26:54

Whoah! Hold up there. Your DP's son was afraid that his father would hit him? Does he often hit people?

Catg76 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:23:08

I think also as he comes from a broken family with step siblings and parents etc he's used to it all being like it is, I didn't and sometimes yes i struggle with it. And sometimes not often sometimes yes it would be nice for him to say, I've arranged for his mum to do football this week so we can have done quality time as we rarely get it with all the work and running both sets of kids about.

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