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to want to pull my daughter out of school because of a bullying parent?

(63 Posts)
cloud9 Sun 04-May-14 07:16:05

i'm at my wits end, so desperately need some advice please! a few months ago a mother in my dd's class sent me a very hostile and intimidating text message, (calling me psychotic and my children damaged) after i said hello to her in the playground. she's very angry with me but won't talk to me to tell me why, and since then started making accusations that my dd and i are intimidating her and her daughter. she's made these allegations to the school and to other parents. school have investigated all the allegations against dd and found nothing to back them up, my dd has now started mentioning changing schools as she feels really intimidated by this parent and her daughter. tried talking to her to try to resolve it but she refuses and has told me via a text to dh not to engage with her or her family. it feels like these allegations are never-ending. should i move dd? i can't work out whether i'd be moving for me or her and if we do, i want it to be for the right reasons. older ds is still there and youngest dd due to start in september...

Kytti Sun 04-May-14 07:19:12

I'd speak to the school, and maybe even the police, she sounds a bit unhinged.

frumpet Sun 04-May-14 07:34:01

Wow , calling someone psychotic and their children damaged simply because you said hello seems bizzare . Is there no other background at all ?

cloud9 Sun 04-May-14 07:39:53

spoke to school, they don't want to get involved as they see it as a parents' issue. originally i didn't want to get police involved as it seems so petty. last week got conflicting advice from them as spoke to someone on the phone who saw it as harassment so sent someone yesterday to chat with me. he basically said it was silly and i should try to talk to her, also that she'd probably get bored and move on!

CSIJanner Sun 04-May-14 07:41:38

It might be a parental thin but it's now affecting your children. Are the school aware if what your DD is saying?

margarethamilton Sun 04-May-14 07:43:01

It does sound like harassment. How did she get your and your husband's mobile phone numbers?

OnaPromise Sun 04-May-14 07:47:53

If your dd says she feels intimidated and wants to change school it is no longer just a parent thing. Talk to school again? She has sent you a text asking you not to contact her so the police advice seems very wrong to me - if you try to approach her now you could be accused of harassment.

Aspiringhuman Sun 04-May-14 07:48:28

If your dd is mentioning moving school then I'd consider moving her. The woman's behaviour is obviously affecting her.

If the harassment continues after she's moved then I'd call 101 for advice.

Aspiringhuman Sun 04-May-14 07:51:59

Sorry cross posted that sounds like terrible advice to me. I definitely wouldn't speak to her. I'd perhaps ask those she's been a lagging you off too, if you know them well enough, if they know what it is you're supposed to be done.

Barefootgirl Sun 04-May-14 07:55:24

There is more to this, isn't there? You obviously have some background with the woman, since she has your mobile number.

There are two separate issues as well. There is the problem of this woman sending you objectionable texts, and there is the problem of her DD bullying your DD. The first problem is most easily solved by blocking her mobile number. You don't have to talk to her. It doesnt really matter WHY she holds these opinions about you. She can go around telling other parents nasty things about you as much as she likes, and it may appear that they are nodding and agreeing with her, but in reality, they are probably thinking "I just want to collect my child and get the hell away from this nutcase"

If her DD is bullying your DD at school, then this is most definitely a school issue. Does the school know that your DD is so unhappy there that she wants to leave? Does your DD have other friends at school, has she generally coped well with the whole school experience so far?

cloud9 Sun 04-May-14 07:57:16

we were friends up until recently, when her daughter started having some difficulty at school. she wanted me to ban another child from a school event (i was chair of pta at the time) but i couldn't. the child didn't go, but i guess she was still angry with me for not banning him. after that she was really hostile towards me, but then i thought things had improved as she spoke to me suggesting we moved on. really don't know what happened after that, as she then started ignoring me and the kids but she'd speak to them if they were with my dh. kids were very confused as they never new whether she'd speak to them or not. now she's pretty hostile to all of us.

diddl Sun 04-May-14 08:04:38

If your daughter is being bullied by hers then that needs looking into.

Surely you all need to ignore the mother.

How is she intimidating ypur daughter?

Pagwatch Sun 04-May-14 08:07:44

It is more complicated than your just saying hello then.

I would go back to the school and talk to them about how your DD is feeling.
But just block the mums number and ignore her.
Is there a reason why you can't just ignore her and tell your DH to stop engaging with her.

cloud9 Sun 04-May-14 08:10:01

she's claiming that my dd is bullying her dd, school have investigated but have never found anything or anyone to back this up. also found out dd was accused of starting rumours but teacher found out that some other kids had made it up to get my dd into trouble! school say they see no issue with the girls in class/playground. i've told them how my dd feels recently about schools, i think they thought she was coping better than she was. it's a tricky year as there's only 9 girls in the class. i think she wants us to go, and i would but i just want to do it for the right reasons and not to feel bullied out of school.

Barefootgirl Sun 04-May-14 08:10:15

Oh God, she's one of THOSE. In that case, most definitely block her number on your phone. Do NOT contact her in any way, shape or form. Problematic people like this know the system inside and out. She is trying to create a drama with you at the heart of it. If you try and contact her to 'talk it through' she will trot straight off to the police and accuse you of harrassment. Do NOT engage with her. Do not play her silly little games. Eventually she will get bored and go away. Tell your DH not to chat with her, just say hello politely and move on sharpish.

The issue with your DD is more important. Is her child actually saying or doing anything to yours at school? Is the mother saying anything to your DD at school?

Barefootgirl Sun 04-May-14 08:11:44

OK, cloud9, i hear what you are saying about this woman's behaviour, but what is her DD actually doing to your DD? Or is your DD feeling the weight of the aduklts' conflict, and hopes that by moving school you will shut up about this woman?

margarethamilton Sun 04-May-14 08:12:06

Treat the two issues separately then. Ignore your ex friend. Inform school about the bullying behaviour, keeping a log if necessary. Ensure your daughter is communicating with you about the behaviour of the other girl and her own feelings. If she sees you getting upset or feeling intimidated, she may want to move schools to 'protect' you. As you've said, a decision to move needs to be based on her needs, not yours.

Pagwatch Sun 04-May-14 08:14:30

I think you are letting this woman annoy you. Her irritati g behaviour is not connected to your DD
Stop responding to this woman, stop talking about her or focusing on her.
Go back to the school about your DD and report the allegations being made about her as bullying.

wheresthelight Sun 04-May-14 08:16:35

Move your daughter to a different School!! Do not let her suffer on the off chance that it might get better!!!!

I was bullied by a kid and her mum at school, on the school grounds and the school refused and my parents kept hoping it would stop. It resulted in me taking an overdose - do not ignore your daughters request!!!

Uptheanty Sun 04-May-14 08:17:21

I hate mothers like this op, i truly sympathise flowers

First of all, you need to realise that you can't control what she says and how she acts. Although you probably feel bewildered and confused please don't spend anymore time trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

Its not your fault.

Moving school should not be considered at this point. Your other children attend this school & you should not allow a bully to push your dd out of everything she knows.

You need to model good behaviour for your dd and pull yourself together.
Be strong & confident, smile widely at every opportunity.
Shrug when she blanks you if your dd sees it minimise it and don't let her see it hurts you.

There are people like this at every school, you have to accept that you cant reason with crazy and dig in until it passes.......the sooner you do this the sooner it will pass.

If this one's true to form...and she sounds like she is, soon she will be accusing you of ignoring her dc's to anyone who's silly enough to listen. You can't win.....ignore, ignore, ignore.

Dramatic Sun 04-May-14 08:18:00

I'm guessing her dd has been bullied by the boy she wanted you to ban? She is probably worried about her child and maybe saw your decision as unfair to her daughter. She is obviously massively overreacting to the situation and the best thing you can do is totally ignore her. How old is your dd? I would try speaking to the school again and emphasise how much this is affecting her.

Barefootgirl Sun 04-May-14 08:23:01

wheresthelight i am sorry for your situation, and it must have been dreadful for you. However, the OP has not provided any information that suggests that her daughter actually IS having trouble at school, beyond the parents' problems spreading to the children. Why should her DD be forced out of a school she apparently enjoys, especially as she appears to be going into her last year of primary and will be uprooted yet again after next year?

Much better to face the problem head-on and try to solve it, than just run away from it.

Raskova Sun 04-May-14 08:23:04

If the two issues are separate, then keep them so.

I may be wrong but I get the impression she's a dick getting her DD to be mean to yours either because her DD feels it will get her approval or because she's been told to.

I'd text her saying our argument is our argument and that's fine but let's not being the children in to it. Tell her you won't contact her anymore but a grown woman shouldn't be so vindictive and up her own arse that an innocent child wants to move school.

Also, that was a massive drip feed!! shock

cloud9 Sun 04-May-14 08:29:49

her daughter keeps a log at school and keeps accusing my dd of bullying her in it. pushing, saying mean stuff, generally just being horribly. the thing is, both girls are being watched quite closely so if it was happening, i'd be told. her daughter's also started making stuff up about me which i'm finding really worrying too. i've got my dd to start writing stuff down, how she feels etc which is how i found out about her wanting to maybe change schools. i'm sure she feels our conflict, but that's why i continued saying hello to this woman (and it was only ever hello), as i didn't want our conflict to impact on either girl.

Pagwatch Sun 04-May-14 08:34:05

The school cannot possibly maintain it is an issue between parents if her DD is logging and reporting your DD constantly.
Go back to the school about your DD being bullied.
Stop interacting with this woman. It clearly doesn't help

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