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Even if IABU, should I ignore my gut instinct in regards to a new male worker in DS's nursery?

(353 Posts)
iphoneaddict Sun 16-Mar-14 00:56:49

DH said when he collected DS1 (age 5) from nursery today there was a new male worker in his room. There has never been a male worker there before.

I know most of you will say IABU but I feel very uneasy about this. DH is indifferent.

I know only a small percent of men are abusers and I know women are capable of abusing children and have been convicted of such offences - but I would still prefer him to be looked after by females at this young age.

The vast majority of sex abusers i hear about in the news are men and, whether this is fair or not, this makes me feel slightly less trusting towards men in general this regard. For example, if DS went missing in a shopping centre and was found by someone and looked after for a few minutes I would feel more comfortable if that person happened to be a women.

I also know that children are more likely to be abused by someone they know like a family member or friend of the family rather than by someone like a nursery worker.

DS has occasional accidents in nursery when he's distracted playing with his friends and doesn't make the toilet on time - and I would be extremely unhappy to have a male worker changing his clothes etc.

I know some people think its great to have a male influence for the children rather than an all female staff but this is not important to me. DS interacts regularly with our male relatives and friends so he is not missing out in that regard. I know that is not the case for all children.

DH heard my views and feels a bit sorry for the male worker who he says is just trying to make a living. However, for me my primary concern is feeling my children are as safe as possible.

Also, my other concern is DS2 (age 1). He is in the same nursery in another room. Sometimes the staff swap between the rooms. If the new male worker was in DS2's room - I would probably switch nurseries.

I was thinking maybe about talking to the nursery manager to get some reassurances that he will just be doing classroom work rather than changing clothes etc. I imagine I might come across as a bit OTT for expressing my concerns?

I'm sure many (maybe all?) of you think IABU and irrational about this - but do you think I should ignore my gut feeling on this because it is the politically correct thing to do.

Qix Sun 16-Mar-14 01:03:48

I don't think you should ignore your gut feeling because it is the politically correct thing to do, I think you should ignore it because it is not a rational assessment of the risk.

hippo123 Sun 16-Mar-14 01:04:10

Yes, because nothing in your post gives you any reason to suspect this man of anything. Have you even met him, or was it just your dh? I bet if he was your ds's football coach or something similar you wouldn't have a problem with it. There's no reason for him not to be working in your younger dc's room either. You are being totally ott and unreasonable. Why is your ds still in nursery at 5 anyway?

Abbierhodes Sun 16-Mar-14 01:05:02

I think you are completely crazy and should get help.

Abbierhodes Sun 16-Mar-14 01:06:10

That's a good point! Nursery doesn't go up to age 5. And it's Saturday. hmm

iphoneaddict Sun 16-Mar-14 01:08:50

Ok so I am crazy - I just can't shake the unseat feeling

I used the word nursery as we're not in the UK and I thought that was the equivalent word - sorry!

We have childcare on Saturdays due to work schedules

worridmum Sun 16-Mar-14 01:09:00

am sorry you are totally YABU in every regaurd while I can understand your concern socity can not and should not have to deal with this sexist nonsense of all men are pedos because it is completely and uttly wrong.

Its not a gut feeling its just been brain washed by tv and news papers and been brought into the whole pedo around every couner crap some of the best nursery / teachers I know have been male imagne if more people had you OTT reaction to male in childcare roles.

YOU are part of the reaons that only its a rarity that male teachers can be found in primaly school and nurserys because on unreasonable notions that man in these types of jobs are all weird or pedos.

Can you picture the out cry if people tried to limit the roles of women from certain jobs for bullshit pariona reasons.

What would you respose if someone came into your place of work and talked to your manage to try to limit your duties doing your job that you are not only qualifyed but all ready been highly vetted before hand.

Just think on that before you start causing shit like this for the poor bloke trying to do a job that he enjoys and rember that people like you are a massive problem with todays socity and its like USAs treatment of black people in the 50s oh oh cant have a man (insert race here) doing that job its just not proper.

So basically you are on the same sort of level of men saying a womens place is in a kictern etc as you hold completely outdated and sexest views and should be ashmed of yourself.

iphoneaddict Sun 16-Mar-14 01:09:17

*uneasy feeling*

CrockedPot Sun 16-Mar-14 01:09:21

Why is your dcs at nursery at age 5?

MissieEverdeen Sun 16-Mar-14 01:09:33

Substitute his gender for race or sexual orientation:

I don't want my son to be looked after by this person because they are white/black.

I don't want my son to be looked after by this person because they are gay/transgender.

Can you not see how crazy you sound? You don't want him to be looked after by a man? Do you worry about your DH changing him if he has an accident? He is a man, after all.

PomBearWithAnOFRS Sun 16-Mar-14 01:09:40

I think, and this is just my thoughts - until you have actually met the worker, and had chance to form a true opinion of him, you need to give him the benefit of the doubt so to speak.
I do know what you mean about it being "odd" (for want of a better word) for a male to be a nursery/childcare worker, but the ones I have come across, and who have cared for my DC over the years, have all been wonderful, and nothing but a positive influence/experience for my DCs.
That said, if I'd met one of them and then had a "feeling" of distrust/dislike, I would probably have acted on it, just because confused as I would if I'd taken a dislike/had a feeling about any of the female workers come to think of it.
Why not pop in and have a wee chat with this new worker one day? Or ask the manager outright if it is likely that your DS will be in his care. I'm not sure they won't think you're a tad, well, off, so to speak, but if you really feel that strongly, then you need to do something to set your mind at rest, and have arrangements you are comfortable with for your DS's care. It's all very well people saying "don't be daft" and such, but this is you son, and you can't help how you feel. What you can help is how and what you do about it iyswim.
Hopefully you'll meet this worker and he will be lovely, and surely he has to be CRB checked and have references and all that, to have been employed by a nursery?

Skinnydecafflatte Sun 16-Mar-14 01:10:47

You do know that basically 50% of parents are male don't you?

Northernlurker Sun 16-Mar-14 01:12:37

It's not 'politically correct' to ignore your gut. It's CORRECT. The only problem with this worker who you do not know is that he is male. By all means talk to the manager if you WANT to appear a deeply stupid bigot but I wouldn't recommend that. Mind you it might save some bother as if she has any gumption at all she will give YOU notice.

iphoneaddict Sun 16-Mar-14 01:12:47

Thanks Pombear - your post makes sense

aurynne Sun 16-Mar-14 01:13:20

A majority of rapists are men. By your own reasoning, you would be reasonable to reject a male co-worker whom you haven't even met yet due to the risk of being raped by him.

See how it sounds? Now please apply this to your OP.

Caitlin17 Sun 16-Mar-14 01:13:36


Ohbyethen Sun 16-Mar-14 01:14:02

You know that the greatest risk to your dc are those male family members, you said so in your op. Yes I think yabu, not because it's politically correct but because it's completely irrational.
I'm surprised your DH hasn't told you to cop on to yourself.

I would hope the nursery would support their staff member and politely request you move nurseries if that is how you feel.
I second Abbirhodes hmm

worridmum Sun 16-Mar-14 01:14:14

thats right skinny but those 50% could all be potencal pedos we cant be to careful need to get CRB checks for the childs dad cant be to sure can we (sarcasm)

Its such a shame that the view that its weird that men cant be in a caring postion its so sad. It is also hypicritcal as well as there would be outraged if someone said its weird for a women doing any job she wants to do

MissieEverdeen Sun 16-Mar-14 01:15:06

My DP had this attitude 15 years ago from some neurotic mothers when he used to go into DSS's class helping kids to read.

Some of them thought it was "odd" a Dad would want to do it. But it was fine for Mums hmm

It made him feel awful. He was a dad who worked in the evenings, separated from DSS's mum and it was a chance for him to help out at the school, and help DSS and his classmates learn to read.

Sad to see there are some bigoted people still around after all these years. Makes me fucking furious.

ItsNotATest Sun 16-Mar-14 01:16:45

It has nothing to do with being politically correct, and everything to do with not being utterly ridiculous.

Cookiepants Sun 16-Mar-14 01:17:59

YABU. This post makes me very hmm. You have 2 sons. What age is it that they will have to be kept 200 yards away from all under 18s lest someone has a bad "gut feeling"? This worker will have been through all the same checks (CRB or non-uk equivalent ) and training as his female colleagues.

I have an infant DS and sometimes reading the all men are rapists/abusers - in - waiting posts that you see on MN makes me sad for his future.

MissieEverdeen Sun 16-Mar-14 01:22:26

I've just relayed this thread to DP, he's fucking outraged on the lad's behalf.

As he said - if you've met the male worker and you felt something was not right, that's one thing. But you haven't even met him!

Ploppy16 Sun 16-Mar-14 01:24:14

I have actually worked with a male nursery nurse. He left the job mainly because of the suspicion and name calling he got from people who don't have a clue about why the majority of NN's go into the job.
It's a shame because he was excellent, popular with the children, the staff and most of the parents but he was young and couldn't handle the accusations of paedophilea. The sadly rare group of men who could provide a nursery with a strong male presence will hopefully go on to have their own children bu they will know that they are seen as weird and suspected of having ulterior motives.
YABU. in the strongest possible terms, You are very definitely being Unreaonable.

a1992 Sun 16-Mar-14 01:25:39

I think that its rather ignorant just because you haven't met the male worker and are basing this feeling on him being male, and working in childcare.

I work in childcare and I loved doing placement in a centre that had 2 full time male teachers who worked in the room together because there was never any of the gossiping that goes on when its a room full of female workers at the same centre. and they interacted better with the children. Being in that room taught me alot seeing them with the children and how the children loved it that they would get down and play and run around with them

Being the teachers in the room they done all aspects of care, toileting, changing children, cleaning them up, feeding them etc.

Can I ask why you would have an issue with a male worker changing your child after an accident? or him being at the centre working makes your child any less safe than it being sole female workers? Because to work in childcare you have to be CRB checked, police checked, qualified and will have experience as well.

attheendoftheday Sun 16-Mar-14 01:29:16

Sorry, but yab completely u! There is absolutely no reason for you not to trust this man, you haven't even met him! Why on earth should he not work with babies or help children in his care get changed? Madness!

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