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To be really worried there's something more sinister to this? Feel like I've failed DD

(298 Posts)
karenaanna Mon 17-Feb-14 05:12:27

This could be long, sorry. Have NCed. Not sure this is the right place to post but more traffic and want to know if I'm worrying over nothing.

A bit of background- DD is almost 18 and is yet to start her period. I took her to the GP when she was 14 as I was concerned she wasn't showing any real signs of starting to hit puberty and they put it down to she being small for her age combined with the amount of intense exercise she does- at the time she was doing 20ish hours of semi-professional dance school a week and was planning on a dance career, she's now doing 18 hours but no longer wants to dance professionally, although she's still dancing at the same intensity. To this day she's never really had typical teenage mood swings.

Over the last few weeks, since the new year maybe she's put on a lot of weight, she's always been tiny, very ballerina esque and it's almost like she's suddenly gone into the pre puberty baby fat stage but at 17. Her level of physical activity and diet haven't changed. She hasn't said anything but is clearly aware. She's meant to be at a half term dance intensive this week starting today but came and woke me up in the middle of the night- which she hasn't done since she was about 6- in tears with what she described as stomach ache 'down there' (potential sign period is about to start?) and begged me not to make her go today. I sent her back to bed with neurofen and a hot water bottle and told her she'd probably feel better in the morning, but I'm getting an overwhelming vibe from her she doesn't want to go.

She hasn't been herself for the last few weeks, she's last year of Sixth form, so applications for further education. She's had offers from all of her chosen universities back but was inconsolable last week as she's also been rejected from all of the specialist drama schools she applied for- the Ucas application was for another subject and intended as a back up as the specialist drama schools are so competitive. When she sent off the applications she was intending to take up the university place if she didn't get a drama school place, but now it's actually happened she's decided she doesn't want to go to university and wants to reapply for drama school next year. She's at an academic school and so not getting any offers for a chosen course is very unusual, I don't think it's been easy for her seeing all her friends getting excited about university and place offers knowing she's going to be reapplying next year. She's been really low and unhappy since then, again she hasn't said as much, but she clearly hasn't been happy.

Since January she's had fainting episodes/dizzy/temporary lost vision spells, and episodes of what DD describes as severe pins and needles, she's had it a few times in dance classes and had to sit out because she can't physically put weight on her leg. Her dance teacher put it down to stress, I'm starting to wonder if it's all somehow connected and I should have pushed harder for a proper examination before. Do I take her to the walk in centre or is that overreacting?

karenaanna Tue 18-Feb-14 20:06:37

Ah OK, maybe taking gluten out of her diet wasn't the best idea then blush Although she has been visibly less swollen today which is making me think gluten is at least part of the problem? Not sure.

krindlekrax it's much harder to treat though isn't it? sad Her face is much fuller than a few weeks ago but it's difficult to tell whether it's swelling or part of the weight gain.

She's definitely finding it all very distressing, it's difficult to know how to help her sad On a brighter note, she's just checked her school email and she has an A* in her history coursework essay smile [insert proud mummy emotion]

Krindlekrax Tue 18-Feb-14 20:09:48

It's lengthy to treat but, if you've got the right support, it can be really well treated and managed.

Here is some information about bulimia.

Krindlekrax Tue 18-Feb-14 20:10:06

(And well done to her on the coursework essay smile )

candycoatedwaterdrops Tue 18-Feb-14 20:13:46

FFS please stop diagnosing the OP's DD with complex and serious health conditions! Maybe you are completely right but it's never right to diagnose online.

Back2Two Tue 18-Feb-14 20:23:27

Whatever it turns out to be all she needs right now is reassurance, love, a bit of normality if possible and maybe some distraction from focussing upon her body and her grades. She is struggling with a really hard time whatever the cause(s). Forget about diagnosis right now it is wholly futile until she is seen by a practitioner. Just think about emotional support.

Good luck OP.

quietlysuggests Tue 18-Feb-14 20:26:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

augenblick Tue 18-Feb-14 20:55:00

Hello I'm a drama lecturer at a university,pm me and I would be happy to help in terms of planned transitions into drama school after degree or what she might do in the meantime. This is a situation that happens an awful lot, she is by no means alone. Please do pm me, what a great mum she has

karenaanna Tue 18-Feb-14 22:09:29

DD went to bed at just after 9 (normally she dances until 10 on Tuesdays) and came back down about half an hour ago in tears wanting to know if I still love her sad She's just gone back to bed. I feel awful. Clearly not getting the love and reassurance bit right.

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 18-Feb-14 22:16:01

Of course you are.

There is another piece to this puzzle you don't know about yet.

GurlwiththeCurl Tue 18-Feb-14 22:29:17

Personally, I would go up to her room and hold her, stroke her back and keep telling her that you love her and that she can talk to you about anything at all. I have done this on numerous occasions with my DSs, even quite recently and they are both in their 20s now.

Could you bring her into your bed and sleep with her tonight? That way, you can keep an eye on her and she might just open up to you if things are worrying her? I have often said to my lads that nothing would shock me (a slight lie that) and all kinds of stuff has spilled out!

Hope it is all sorted out soon.

yegodsandlittlefishes Tue 18-Feb-14 22:29:50

Karenaanna, she is not well and this is not your fault. You are clearly a lovely Mum and you are getting the love and reasurance bit right. In fact, if she came downstairs to ask you that, she is trusting that you will provide her the reassurance she needs, which suggests you have good communication.
Unmumsnetty hugs.

karenaanna Tue 18-Feb-14 22:30:27

I'm still clinging to the hope that it's something hormonal and it's all connected but in all honesty I don't know. This is very, very unlike her. I haven't done enough, she wouldn't be feeling like this at all if I had. May try and see if I can get her an earlier GP appointment in a cancellation slot tomorrow morning.

karenaanna Tue 18-Feb-14 22:35:14

Will go and suggest that if she's still awake gurlwiththecurl, good idea, thanks.

Tuhlulah Tue 18-Feb-14 22:40:52

I haven't read all the thread (sorry) but I think you should take her to the GP and ask for a referral; I think she may have something Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.
Sorry if this has already been said/ruled out. But there could well be something amiss. Best wishes.

yegodsandlittlefishes Tue 18-Feb-14 22:53:20

We don't know what it is yet, but if it does turn out to be an eating disorder, you have done nothing to make it happen. Research has proved that parents do not cause it. Parents (and patients) are no more to blame than if someone had a congenital heart defect or a cyst or had a disability.

Whatever it is,your DD is clearly not suffering from the lack of a mother's love. It is not your fault. You need to believe this to be able to help your DD.

BigPawsBrown Tue 18-Feb-14 23:13:48

Good luck for Thursday OP. Sounds like anxiety.

RunLikeSomeFeckersChasing Tue 18-Feb-14 23:16:08

Really feel

RunLikeSomeFeckersChasing Tue 18-Feb-14 23:20:22

Sorry, phone.

I really feel for you and your DD. You will need to be pushy at the GP. My DD is a recently diagnosed coeliac and it took a year for diagnosis. I really liked PPs suggestion of saying would prod explain all else. Know you may be kicking yourself on removing gluten but it takes months for blood serology to return to normal so its no biggy (and gluten is everywhere so it may have sneaked in anyway).

Good luck.

Newyearchanger Wed 19-Feb-14 01:21:19

I can't tell you what is wrong at the moment, it's all rather vague and we don't have any results etc but any physical illness in the teenage years which is serious in nature, will cause delayed puberty.
Such as inflammatory bowel disease like Crohn's disease.
Something like that is very hard for a teen to talk about and causes general illness .
She needs routine blood tests from the GP as an initial step to work out what is going on.

Newyearchanger Wed 19-Feb-14 01:23:47

All you can do is ask her if she has any worrying symptoms... Any blood from anywhere, any pain.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 19-Feb-14 01:40:19

OP I have nothing to add, but I hope it's okay to come on and just say how worrying this must be for you, and you're not doing anything wrong at all, you're doing a brilliant job.

miz13 Wed 19-Feb-14 03:04:32

Hi OP,

miz13 Wed 19-Feb-14 03:11:19

Sorry, stupid phone. You are doing a great job, just reassure your DD that you will help her to sort everything out and it will be ok. I do think though that she should see a counsellor too. Hugs xx

saffronwblue Wed 19-Feb-14 03:25:37

Hop you are both getting some sleep. She cannot doubt that she is loved: your feeling jumps off the screen!

karenaanna Wed 19-Feb-14 10:38:12

She has confessed overnight that she's been purging but is adamant this started after she started putting on weight because she was scared. I'm trying to get her an earlier appointment as she seems worse today, no luck so far.

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