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to think my sister is vile and that this is totally unacceptable thing to do

(107 Posts)
rainale Sun 12-Jan-14 16:53:33

My sister is a very difficult person with a lot of narcissistic traits and she has long blamed our mum for everything bad that has happened in her life. As a consequence of this my mum and sister (23) have had a rocky relationship for several years (she moved out at 18) but things seemed to be improving in the last few months and at the end of November my sister paid for my mum to go away for a 3 day spa break and she would look after my brother (he stays over at hers once a week anyway).

However during this time she and my brother (13) have entered her house and moved all his possessions into her house and both he and she now say that he is going to live with her. She says that mum is not fit to parent that she won’t allow our mum to damage him or subject him to the hell that she had suffer for her childhood. The recent improvement in the relationship appears all to have been an act and she admits that she paid for my mum to go away to give them the time necessary to facilitate moving all of his stuff. My brother absolutely adores my sister and is very impressionable and dsis is quite manipulative IMO but he says this is what he wants.

Mum is devastated, neither sis nor bro will answer her phone calls and when she went around to dsis house they did not answer the door although dsis shouted at her to fuck off out of the window apparently. I spoke to dsis and she is adamant that she has done this for his sake but that “the fact that the bitch is suffering is an added bonus” I have spoken to him and he says that he also hates her and that dsis is far more of a mother to him and has been since he was very little. I personally think that he enjoys the lack of rules etc that he received when he stayed over at hers about once a week and that she is manipulating him against her (I had no issues with the way we were brought up and some of the examples she gives of our mums failures as a parent are ridiculously minor). I have just got off the phone with mum who is distraught and is begging me to help sort the situation and have dbro back home although she seems unwilling to go down the legal route as she obviously has full parental rights over him.

I want to have a more stern word with my sister and tell her what she has done is terrible and that turning my brother against our mum is a deplorable thing to do as well as return him home to my mum. DH on the other hand says that I should not get involved under any circumstances, our dad for what is worth lives in Singapore and so is not really involved in any of our lives and he hates mum anyway.

MmeLindor Sun 12-Jan-14 16:57:33

Oh, dear. What a mess.

I think your mum has to involve the authorities, tbh. Sounds like your sister has unresolved issues and has persuaded your brother that he'd be better off with her. He is however not old enough to make this decision.

I don't see why you wouldn't get involved though. This is your family.

How is your relationship wiht your sister?

MuttonCadet Sun 12-Jan-14 16:57:51

If you are sure that you have full knowledge then I think you should tell your sister how you feel.

Littlefish Sun 12-Jan-14 16:58:01

I think that you should contact children's services. Your brother is a minor and has been removed from his home without the permission of the person with parental responsibility. As your sister does not have parental responsibility, she will not be able to have any discussions with his school, sign any permission forms on his behalf at school, discuss any of his medical needs with the doctor or the dentist etc.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sun 12-Jan-14 16:59:46

Just ring the bloody police right now.

LeaveTheBastid Sun 12-Jan-14 17:00:34

I'd call 101 personally, she has no parental rights to him even if he is her brother, and he is a minor. This has gone way beyond anything you can do now, time to get the proper authorities involved.

BrianTheMole Sun 12-Jan-14 17:00:51

I would call the police.

Birdsgottafly Sun 12-Jan-14 17:00:57

How much older are you?

I would question if there is or has been something happening that has caused your Sis and your DB to not want to live with your DM.

I find your DM's reaction strange, I would want to fight tooth and nail to sort this out, especially if there was no truth in this.

Your Mum is still responsible for him attending school, that may not happen, she needs to inform them tomorrow.

Otherwise, who knows what allegations are going to be made.

The CB needs to be handed over, as well, eventually.

NatashaBee Sun 12-Jan-14 17:01:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rainale Sun 12-Jan-14 17:03:09

I'm 26 and my mum doesn't want to involve the relevant authorities out of pride, she seems to think that she/I can resolve it.

Birdsgottafly Sun 12-Jan-14 17:04:39

Legally, he can decide to live with your Sis, so I would make the school the first call.

They will start pastoral care and may go straight down the CAF route.

As said, your DM needs to instigate this so she doesn't look guilty of the allegations (if she isn't).

Your sis can go down the residency route, your DM needs to realise how this could go, if your sis is determined enough.

Your DB will become a Child In Need.

Birdsgottafly Sun 12-Jan-14 17:06:44

If your DM doesn't instigate this then she (and you) are failing to safeguard your DB, if Sis is the one with issues.

This needs to be dealt with tomorrow.

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sun 12-Jan-14 17:06:56

You need to call the police, they will remove your db and take him back to his mother. However, i am interested to know why your sister thinks he is better off with her? What were the issues with her and her mother? Are there issues that your DB is experiencing? This all sounds very tit for tat and i agree wiht your DH that you shouldn't involve yourself and do no more than call the police or social services. They will hopefully then be able to provide the support that your mum and brother needs. Hopefully they may well be able to mediate in the relationship between you and your sister.

OhCobblers Sun 12-Jan-14 17:07:16

I'm astonished that your mum didn't contact the police immediately. This is a ludicrous situation. Why would your husband tell you not to get involved??? Of course you should.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sun 12-Jan-14 17:07:32

The fact that your mum doesn't want to involve the authorities because she is proud is kind of convincing me that she's not a suitable parent anyway to be honest.

I mean really, who lets someone else take their kid away and DOESN'T inform the police.

CakePunch Sun 12-Jan-14 17:07:34

Just because you felt your upbringing was okay doesn't mean your sister isn't valid in her belief that your mother wasn't a good mother to her. I think you need to understand that your sisters perception is allow to be different from yours.
But I'd stay well out of it. You mother can call the police if she wants to.

GimmeDaBoobehz Sun 12-Jan-14 17:08:25

If I were your Mum I would get people involved.

It's either lose a bit of pride or lose the relationship (potentially) with one of her children, I know what I would prefer.

Your sister sounds manipulative. Has he always been this way? Is there anything in particular that has made her start to become abusive to your mother?

What is she actually telling your brother about your Mum? Perhaps you could disprove this.

I can't see why it's none of your business as it's your family.

If I were your Mum I would fight tooth and nail to keep a good relationship with my son - especially if one of my kids was already against me.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 12-Jan-14 17:09:06

What exactly is it that anybody thinks the police will do with a 13 year old who wants to be where he is if he is not in a unsafe situation?

Welfare check is about it, it's considered to be abusive to drag a teenager out and take them to a home they don't wish to remain in.

Birdsgottafly Sun 12-Jan-14 17:09:16

Your DB has ran away from home, if youvarent getting it confirmed tonight that he is on bed in your sis's house, you are both failing to report a missing child.

Your DH needs to be aware of this, what if he runs away from your Sis's?

I have known family's to play these games with teens, who usually end up going off the rails/on drugs/stopping education.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 12-Jan-14 17:09:56

Oh and birds is correct (like normal)

rainale Sun 12-Jan-14 17:13:46

Dsis feels that mum smothered her and sucked all the enjoyment out of her childhood, she uses trvivial and ridiculous examples such as one day she was stopped from going to a friends house to go to our grandmas birthday party as evidence of this.

rainale Sun 12-Jan-14 17:15:24

DH says to not get involved because its such a hornets nest and that I should not get dragged into such a melodrama.

HesterShaw Sun 12-Jan-14 17:16:56

Sometimes parents parent their different children very differently to one another. I'm not saying your sister is right in what she has done, but there will be reasons why she is acting like this.

WestieMamma Sun 12-Jan-14 17:18:22

Am I understanding this correctly, you brother moved into your sister's house at the end of November? What has your mum done about it in the month and half since this happened?

morethanpotatoprints Sun 12-Jan-14 17:22:21

Your mum does need to inform the authorities as he is a minor. Does your dsis live in the catchment for his school. Will he be able to get there and back. Is your dsis able to support him financially and be the mother figure permanently.
These are the questions I would ask her, how will she manage?
It could be worth a try before involving the authorities.

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