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To think my friend is mistaken and this really isn't a problem?

(64 Posts)
twiggy6 Sun 12-Jan-14 08:45:02

This might be a bit long!

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday which has made me doubt whether something I always thought was ok...actually IS ok. Now I'm questioning myself so could do with some other points of view!

I am very happily married with one dd. I have a very good male friend who is also married. We attended each other's weddings and have never known each other "single" - we were both in serious relationships with our oh's when we met, so have never dated, flirted, nada - we just clicked when we met about 8 years ago at work and have remained close friends. The four of us (me, my DH, My DF and his wife) very rarely get together as a four - usually my and my friend get together just the two of us to go to dinner, have drinks etc. We text occasionally and exchange emails but nothing we wouldn't be happy for either spouse to read.

My husband is absolutely fine with this friendship. He likes my friend a lot, encourages me to see him regularly and is totally secure in our marriage so there's no jealousy. Both me and DH have good friends of the opposite sex and this is not an issue for us at all. I realise it maybe would be for some couples but it works for us.

I never thought anything was odd about any of this until I spoke to one of my female friends yesterday and mentioned that id gone for dinner with my male friend last week. She was horrified and said that once you are married, you should have no reason to socialise alone with other married members of the opposite sex. She accepted that there is nothing "going on" between us (and honestly, there isn't) but was admant that my friends wife must HATE me spending time with her husband.

This really got me worried! I know and like his wife and always assumed she was fine with me as I've never gotten any vibes when iv been around her. My male friend assures me she is absolutely fine - like my husband - but I can't help now worrying that she's secretly resenting me and that I'm causing problems.

Am I - like my friend told my yesterday - kidding myself to believe that a man and woman can be good friends without either party's spouse minding?

I spoke to my dh about it and he says I'm silly to worry now when wev been friends for 8 years with no incident or problems - and that it would have become apparent before now if I was being seen as a threat! But I realise that some people's marriages have a different dynamic to ours and I would be absolutely mortified if I was causing problems for a very dear friend and his lovely wife

I'd love to hear other peoples take on this!

LindyHemming Sun 12-Jan-14 08:47:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoratiaDrelincourt Sun 12-Jan-14 08:47:14

She is a loon.

Twinsplusonesurprise Sun 12-Jan-14 08:49:09

Crazy friend. Why on earth can you not have friends who are men and women? Ignore it.

Bloodyteenagers Sun 12-Jan-14 08:49:15

I agree woth your husband. You are worrying over nothing. Your friend, she is the one with the issues. She doesnt think that people of the opposite sex can be just mates.

snoggle Sun 12-Jan-14 08:50:13

I have a very similar situation with a male friend. I see him a lot one-to-one, and we meet up fairly often with spouses and all our kids. Not a problem at all I don't think- even if we were both single we wouldn't be in the slightest bit interested romantically. Just mates.

I have always had male friends, DH has female friends, no issue at all.

Joysmum Sun 12-Jan-14 08:51:37

It's the dream marriage isn't it?

One where both you and your husband are so happy and confident in your relationship that neither of you are threatened by the friendships of the other.

There will be lots of people who will have been shat upon from a great height where friendships became emotional relationships or even affairs but it stands to reason that in a strong relationship this simply won't be the case.

I'd love to be like that with my hubby, he is totally secure in me, but I was cheated on in a past relationship so I always fear the worst and that fear is horrible. If I had a magic wand I'd wave it all away as I know I'm being silly but once bitten twice shy.

moodyblues Sun 12-Jan-14 08:52:15

Sounds to me like you have it all sorted, don't listen to her and enjoy your friendship.

My friend has a male friend that she sees either with her dh and his dw or just the two of them for coffee or they will take the kids on a day trip somewhere together in the holidays.

I was a bit shocked when I realised this at first and I teased her about it a bit but now realise it's lovely and they all have a good relationship.

Thetallesttower Sun 12-Jan-14 08:52:25

If you are all fine with it, then it's fine. My husband goes for lunch with female friends, the odd dinner. He doesn't have one special friend, he's not spending a lot of time with any of them and I haven't thought much about it- he trusts me to do the same. If one of my male friends comes to town, I go out with him immediately!

I would be alarmed by a new friend, mentionitus, secretive meeting, meeting up lots at the expense of our relationship, but just meeting an old friend for a catch up would be fine for us.

chrome100 Sun 12-Jan-14 08:52:42

Whaaat? Crazy! I have a few male friends who are "my" friends rather than my DPs. Some I met when I was single, some not. Some have partners, some not. I enjoy a good friendship with them, we spend one on one time together - walking, cycling or just watching films. It's purely platonic. Likewise, my DP has similar female friends and I really don't see a problem with it.

natwebb79 Sun 12-Jan-14 08:53:00

Your friend is talking out of her behind. Sounds like she's projecting her own insecurities.

Timeforabiscuit Sun 12-Jan-14 08:53:55

You can't micro manage other peoples relationships. Even if there was an issue, which I'm sure there isn't, then it would be up to your friend to see what level of contact is appropriate.

Carry on enjoying the friendship, and put your other friend out of your mind - maybe she is projecting some insecurities of her own ?

Timeforabiscuit Sun 12-Jan-14 08:54:48

spooky natweb grin.

GlaikitFizzog Sun 12-Jan-14 08:56:42

Dh has 2 very good female friends. One of which he regrets not having as his Best Man (they were ushers instead and the husband of friend was his best man). I have no issue whatsoever ever with them meeting up, going for drinks etc. why would I, I trust DH totally.

Your friend has a skewed view of how members of the opposite sex should interact.

funkybuddah Sun 12-Jan-14 08:57:39

What a load of shit.
I couldn't be ina relationship where that was the norm.
I regularly go out for drunken nights/dinners with single younger men. Dp doesn't raise an eyebrow.
Even at school I had a best friend who was a boy and got loads of grief for it so it does my nut

WeAreEternal Sun 12-Jan-14 09:01:12

Your friend has a very narrow minded view of the world.

Of course a man and a woman can be friends without there being 'anything else' there.

One of my best and oldest friends is male, he is married as am I, DP likes my friend and I like his wife most of the time we have been friends for 15 years and although I think he is bloody gorgeous (he looks like Ethan hawk) I have never looked at him romantically.
In fact thinking about it now even flirting with him would be ick, it would be like flirting with my brother.

eurochick Sun 12-Jan-14 09:02:12

She's crazy and probably insecure. One of my closest friends is male and we go out for cosy dinners fairly often. If his wife is working evenings (dr) and he is at home with the kids, sometimes I will go round to their place for dinner and we'll crack open a couple of bottles of wine. It's perfectly normal!

ProfYaffle Sun 12-Jan-14 09:03:59

confused has your friend been cheated on in the past? Of course it's possible for men and women to be friends without it causing an issue.

My dh has a female friend he's known for years, since before he met me. They go out together fairly regularly without me and I don't have a problem with it at all.

FredFredGeorge Sun 12-Jan-14 09:04:33

Your friend fancies one of her friends, but instead of pursuing happiness decided to marry some loser. Now she's stuck thinking wistfully of the friend she denies herself seeing and thinks you're in the same situation.

Pity her, and enjoy your happier life.

thepobblewhohasnotoes Sun 12-Jan-14 09:04:46

"Your friend has a very narrow minded view of the world."


CuttingOutTheCrap Sun 12-Jan-14 09:07:21

Your friend is talking rubbish. DH has several female friends he sees usually without me, I have no problem with it at all. Likewise I have a good male friend and there's no issue with me setting him one to one either. If we didn't Trust each other like that we wouldn't be together, simple as that.

inadreamworld Sun 12-Jan-14 09:08:37

Your friend is judging you by her feelings and everyone is different. Personally this would not work for me - I don't have close male friends that I would go out alone with now I am married and DH doesn't have close women friends now he is married. We both have more distant friends of the opposite sex that we would see in a group. However I don't see any problem with your friendship it sounds perfectly innocent. She isn't a loon but she thinks one rule fits all and it doesn't.

OHforDUCKScake Sun 12-Jan-14 09:09:47

What a nob. I have several male friends, married and single who I love dearly and always have. I happily go for drinks with them, with and without their wives (also my good friends).

I have never had a flirtatious relationship with any of them, just like I wouldnt flirt with their wives. Why would I flirt with a friend?!

You just dont, because they are friends. Not potential partners or someone you fancy.

Yama Sun 12-Jan-14 09:22:26


My oldest friend, my only schoolfriend is male. He is Godfather to my eldest child, spoke at my wedding and will always be there for me.

I wouldn't take kindly to anyone suggesting that I shouldn't remain friends with him. Neither would my dh for that matter.

Joysmum Sun 12-Jan-14 09:23:38

I'm just waiting for the usual mumsnet crowd to pop on here talking about red flags and emotional affairs and then posting repeadly if they don't think they've changed everyone's mind!

Taps fingers impatiently on table...

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