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So down, is it him or me

(33 Posts)
skippy84 Sat 11-Jan-14 21:04:14

Background: I have a 3 year old DD, split with her dad 2 years ago. It was difficult but very amicable now.

I feel hurt because Ex refuses to acknowledge anything I do with DD. Just recently he got annoyed because I wasn't excited when he he took her to the pool and 'taught her how to swim'. This is despite me having been swimming with I her on a very regular basis since the split. I've seen her do what he 'taught' her many times but he was angry because I dismiss him and his parenting because I didn't get excited enough

Second thing is that I've noticed many mild put downs that he keeps delivering even in the short time when he drops her off. Eg today I was cleaning all day and I have to admit things have been a bit slovenly because I have been working ft and just finished masters on top of parenting alone. But he came in with her and said 'it actually smells nice in here for a change' which was really hurtful because even though I've been busy I hardly think the place was condemned.

Finally my daughter does seem to show a preference for him over me a lot. The rational part of me thinks this is cause he has her one night a week and one day and it's super fun and I suppose she gets bored of me but he seems to play on this all the time in my presence. Eg asking who she loves more mommy or daddy and she always says daddy and then we laugh. I don't find it funny tough. I'm exhausted and I find it really really sad that she prefers him.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 11-Jan-14 21:05:57

She doesn't prefer him. She feels more secure with your love and less with his so she says that.

He is a cockweasel. Don't give him any more head space than you have to.

hwjm1945 Sat 11-Jan-14 21:06:38

he sounds like a twat who has unfinished business over the split - tthis will have to wroked through = tbh, this sort of competition can occur with couples who are togrther and if both acknowedge it, it can be worked through , although difficult if he won't acknowledge

Rosencrantz Sat 11-Jan-14 21:11:31

Stop asking her who she prefers!

You wouldn't ask a parent who their favourite child was, so why parents think they can their children the same thing is absurd.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 11-Jan-14 21:13:55

Rosencrantz the ex is asking the DD in front of her to a) wind her up b) presumably make the poor child insecure.

skippy84 Sat 11-Jan-14 21:14:28

To be clear I disagree completely about asking her who she likes best. It's always led by him and it's more subtle e.g whose house is nicer mummy or daddies, who do you have more fun with, who looks better etc etc. he finds it hilarious because it's always him she answers

RandomMess Sat 11-Jan-14 21:14:59

Why are you having so much interaction with him? Why do you still want/need his approval?

Detach from him emtionally, hand overs at the door with big happy smiles - make it positive and friendly without engaging. His is not friend as his behaviour as shown.

skippy84 Sat 11-Jan-14 21:16:27

Just after Xmas he got her to profess she liked him, then an empty bottle of tropicana, then some raisins, then me. Again he thought it was so funny that I rank under an empty plastic bottle. I don't.

PortofinoRevisited Sat 11-Jan-14 21:16:47

Its not you - he is a cunt. He is trying to big himself up. Just ignore him.

Rosencrantz Sat 11-Jan-14 21:18:24

My post still applies, only to the ex then!

He's an emotionally manipulative toolbag. I have one too.

Wish I knew what to do about him.

PortofinoRevisited Sat 11-Jan-14 21:23:58

And don't take to heart anything a 3 yo says to keep her dad happy either. My 9 yo probably "prefers" her dad as he is the fun one who is happy to play Wii games whilst I am making pack lunches or something. She KNOWS though that it is me that makes everything tick.

RandomMess Sat 11-Jan-14 21:29:06

I wouldn't let him in anymore.

He is using your dd to belittle you and knock your self confidence. Probably because he knows you are far more capable than him. Next time he starts games about who dd loves most (she Will have no idea what this actually means at this age) just smile, say to dd 'that's silly -I love you very much' then ignore completely and change the subject. He will soon get bored of these games when you show him you it has no effect on you.

And like another poster said, don't let him in.

chalchalchal Sat 11-Jan-14 21:44:02

what an arsehole.

I agree with RandomMess; don't let him in anymore. And don't get into any conversations with him. Keep handovers as brief and quick as possible, with as little conversation as possible.

skippy84 Sat 11-Jan-14 21:50:11

Thanks I've been so exhausted trying to make everything ok for DD and friendly between us that I've started taking his shit again. Wish I wasn't so weak. Was his choice to split, I've done my best, I'm still a pushover. No wonder she prefers him hmm

PortofinoRevisited Sat 11-Jan-14 21:55:53

She doesn't "prefer" him. She is 3 and dancing to his tune is all. Don't let him in, ignore any shit he comes out with and get on with your life. Based on the brief posts on this thread, I can work out who is the better parent. And so can your dd. Believe me, give it a few years....

phantomnamechanger Sat 11-Jan-14 21:57:56

she doesn't actually prefer him, but she is canny enough to realise that she needs to say this to him to keep on his good side. He probably drills her in this at his home and acts all hurt at the "wrong" answer/rewards the right answer with lots of fun/attention. What a scum bag! I bet if she did one day say you, he would be all petulant and sulky and try to guilt trip the poor thing! I am certain she much prefers that she knows you love her lots and she is secure in that without being given silly "tests" to "pass".
A child should not be expected to "pick" between its parents. He is a jerk.

RandomMess Sat 11-Jan-14 22:00:03

Being friendly doesn't mean having him in your home at all ever. It means polite handovers at the door and being reasonable about contact arrangements and not badmouthing him.

jacks365 Sat 11-Jan-14 22:03:49

She doesn't prefer him! I have a 2yo who adores her big sisters, they are fun and exciting but boring old mum is the one who makes all the rules etc however it's me she wants when she hurts herself or feels ill or gets too tired and wants to cuddle up. I'm the rock that she trusts and your llittle girl will be no different dad is fun but mum is always there, always realiable, always dependable no compliment gets better than that.

JackNoneReacher Sat 11-Jan-14 22:03:56

He's a twat.

What a cock saying those things to his 3 year old in front of her mum.

Don't let him in then you wont have to let your daughter see him disrespect you like that.

So glad to hear he's your ex.

complexnumber Sat 11-Jan-14 22:09:18

Its not you - he is a cunt.

Mumsnet at its best!

skippy84 Sat 11-Jan-14 22:09:50

Thanks so much, I already feel better. I do feel a bit like the wallpaper sometimes though, I'm the only person that's been constant for her whole life and that's nice but I just feel like the dull rule-enforcing person. I know it's so important but would like some of the gratification occasionally smile

skippy84 Sat 11-Jan-14 22:11:46

I agree - 'Its not you- he's a cunt' will be my new inner mantra in these situations

PortofinoRevisited Sat 11-Jan-14 22:14:24

I am the dull rule enforcing person. I make pack lunches, sort out homework, insist on showers etc. I am also the one dd depends on absolutely if there is an issue. She KNOWS.

PortofinoRevisited Sat 11-Jan-14 22:18:17

Think of it like this - your ex is so shallow he NEEDS to have the gratification that he is fabulous. He can't get it anywhere else - as he is a cunt - so he is using your 3 yo to make himself feel better about himself. How SAD is that? Your dd loves and trusts you absolutely and has no need to TELL you that every 5 minutes as she knows that you love her absolutely. She is not ungrateful. She is 3.

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