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in wanting my unreasonableness accommodated?

(159 Posts)
TheLittlestSprout Sat 11-Jan-14 18:04:59

I know I'm being unreasonable but given the circumstances want this to be accommodated. AIBU?

I live abroad and get to travel home once a year. Last year I didn't as I was heavily pregnant so when I go in a few weeks it will be the first time I've seen my parents for 2 years and the first time any of my family have met my son.

I normally stay with my parents. My sister lives nearby and visits them several times a week with her 4 kids and their large, friendly bouncy dog. I want my sister to leave her dog at her house for the week I'm staying. My sister is throwing a strop and refusing to do this and my parents are saying they don't want to get drawn in, which feels like they're prioritising the dog over their grandson.

I know AIBU however in my defence 2 months ago DS (then 5 months old) was attacked by my fuckwitted ex friends dog. Thankfully he wasn't seriously hurt and his face has almost completely healed now and he seems to be completely over it. Unfortunately I am still totally traumatised. I can feel a panic attack coming on just writing this. I know it wasn't my sister's dog, I know it's unfair to punish him for this other dog's behaviour but I can't stay with DS in a house where there is a dog running free. I just can't. In fact I think I'd rather just cancel and not go at all.

So flame away. I'm being PFB aren't I?

Chippednailvarnish Sat 11-Jan-14 18:07:11

Could you compromise and get the dog to be left in the garden?

Your sister does sound like a pain in the arse though.

pictish Sat 11-Jan-14 18:07:46

Well maybe a little.
I understand why you feel as you do...but you can't hope to avoid dogs forever, and can't ask that any house you visit from here on in be dog free can you?

SkinnybitchWannabe Sat 11-Jan-14 18:08:06

I think your sister is being very very selfish and your parents are too.

nennypops Sat 11-Jan-14 18:08:43

No, you're being totally reasonable. How hard would it be for your sister to be sensitive to how you are bound to feel after DS was attacked by a dog? I can't see that leaving her dog behind for a short time would be punishing him in any way.

oadcb Sat 11-Jan-14 18:09:03

I think they could be more sympathic!

Is your sister normally so stubborn?

Objection Sat 11-Jan-14 18:11:16

I own a dog (a big, bouncy, friendly one) and would keep him at home if asked and not say anything.
I would however be pissed off by this and (sorry) think you were being unreasonable.

so your sis IBU (and impolite) by kicking up a fuss but YABU too.

surely by interacting with a friendly dog and your son you will heal quicker?

CoffeeTea103 Sat 11-Jan-14 18:13:56

Yanbu, given the incident with the dog, meeting your DS for the first time and you not being home for 2 years this is one small request they could try to accommodate you with.
They are all being totally selfish. Your child takes priority over a dog.

oadcb Sat 11-Jan-14 18:14:51

You do need to get some help to address the trauma though. Speak to your GP/HV x

pictish Sat 11-Jan-14 18:17:09

Your child takes priority over a dog

It's not a case of one or the other though is it? No one will see it that way except the OP.
She is asking the SHE be made priority.

HaroldLloyd Sat 11-Jan-14 18:17:12

I don't understand why she wouldn't just leave the dog at home for a week.

Your nervousness is understandable in my opinion, though you are going to need to address it over time why let it ruin a special visit?

sykadelic15 Sat 11-Jan-14 18:17:50

I understand your parents not wanting to be involved, but given their GS was attacked by a dog, I think you're entitled to feel a little on edge and they should understand that.

How about you compromise and ask your sister to at least leash her dog while visiting or keep the dog outside for that week? That way her dog isn't being left at home? If they live super close I don't understand the problem with leaving the dog at home but then dogs are family too.

Express to her that you're extremely nervous around dogs right now given what happened. Tell he you're not blaming ALL dogs and you understand her dog is part of her family, but that you'd appreciate her helping you feel more comfortable... at least for a day or so while you see how her dog reacts around the baby and vice versa.

If she refuses to compromise then you have a decision to make because she is being selfish and your parents SHOULD be helping with it. You could either not go (which could make you look petty but I would make it clear that they are choosing the dog over meeting their new family member and that your compromises were totally fair) OR go into another room when she visits, put the baby in another room or stay in a hotel or somewhere else and leave when she comes to visit.

gamerchick Sat 11-Jan-14 18:18:34

I don't think either of you are out of order. Some people are weird about their dogs.

However in your shoes I probably would cancel if it's still (understandably) affecting you to that extent. Maybe next year when time has passed a bit.

TheLittlestSprout Sat 11-Jan-14 18:19:04

The garden isn't an option as the kids are in and out all the time with doors being left open. It's pandemonium as my sister leaves them all to go feral when at granny and grandads.

It's not that my sister is stubborn more that she's volatile and takes everything as a personal slight. Asking for the dog to stay home, which isn't a problem for her if it suits her, is taken as saying her family isn't welcome.

oadcb Sat 11-Jan-14 18:19:47

OP do they know the details of the incident? Did they see pictures?

Bunbaker Sat 11-Jan-14 18:20:32

Why do so many dog owners think they have to take their dog everywhere with them everywhere they go?

I grew up with dogs. They were very much loved and part of the family. However, we never took them to other people's houses. Most of my friends and quite a few family members have dogs and they never take them to other people's houses either.

I think your sister is being very unreasonable. It won't hurt the dog to be left at home for a couple of hours.

Bunbaker Sat 11-Jan-14 18:21:27

Cross posted. In which case if she turns up with the dog you go upstairs or take your LO out for a walk.

HaroldLloyd Sat 11-Jan-14 18:21:29

My sister is a bit volatile and my mum panders to her.

Not sure what yours is like but mine tends to blow up and go mad then calm down over a few weeks.

As your mum dosent want to get involved maybe call your sister and try and explain to her? If it ends in a quarrel so be it but I think she is being bad here.

CaptainSweatPants Sat 11-Jan-14 18:21:36

Why haven't your parents been over to visit you in 2 years sad

adeucalione Sat 11-Jan-14 18:21:40

Have you talked to your sister directly, or has the message been filtered through your parents?

I only ask because most of our family misunderstandings and tensions happen when we don't talk directly to each other.

FWIW I think YABU - not everyone likes dogs and this one can stay at home for one week out of a two year period surely?

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sat 11-Jan-14 18:25:47

The thing is many dogs owners wouldn't turn up to a hotel or resturant ect because dogs are not allowed.

Why can't the dog be left at home for a few hours.

TheLittlestSprout Sat 11-Jan-14 18:26:06

Why haven't your parents been over to visit you in 2 years

We moved abroad (EU) with my husbands work 8 years ago. His parents have been the only ones to visit us in all that time. It's like we ceased to exist.

Topseyt Sat 11-Jan-14 18:27:01

I am so sorry to hear your son was injured by your ex-friend's dog, and I am glad his injuries are healing well now.

I think that the way you feel is very understandable, and I do say that as the owner of two dogs myself. I would never leave them unsupervised around children and always hover nearby to take control if littlies are around (even though I have never had a problem).

Have you explained the reasons for your reluctance about the dog to your sister? I must say that if I know someone is visiting my house who is nervous of dogs or who has a genuine reason not to want them nearby then I take reasonable steps to minimise contact, though I can't totally eradicate it in my own home as the dogs do live here too.

Would her dog be OK if kept in another room from you and your little boy until or unless you felt ready to face it? Whatever you do though, try not to project your own trauma onto your son. If it is a friendly dog (you just say it is bouncy) then could it be an opportunity to introduce him in a controlled way to a nice dog that will not maul him?? Only you and your sister can decide on the answer to that one.

Your sister needs to be a bit more understanding really.

SiliconeSally Sat 11-Jan-14 18:27:09

Your sister is being ridiculous. How big a deal can it be for her to leave the dog at home for a visit? Why do people feel such a massive sense of entitlement that their need to have their dog with them at all times must be accommodated at all times?

Go and stay with your parents, but go out and visit other people or just go out every time your sister calls with dg in tow.

It sounds as if your parents are afraid of your sister's tantrums in taking everything personally. They should tell her to get over herself.

Any new parent would be utterly traumatised by having their baby's face bitten by a dog.

You will recover in time - until then a little care and sympathy from your family wouldn't come amiss. Especially as it doesn't even require them to put themselves out.

SaveMeTheLastGreenTriangle Sat 11-Jan-14 18:30:09

I love my dog and want to take him with me as much as I can, but when someone says they are afraid of dogs of course their feelings have to come first. Your sis is BU.

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