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To not go on this holiday

(109 Posts)
theimposter Thu 02-Jan-14 11:58:26

My DPs family have been planning a trip away as a large group for several years. He has 2 kids and they have all been looking forward to it for ages. However this trip is really expensive and not something I would ever choose to do. I earn a lot less than DP and although my parents gave me a generous cheque for Christmas I am worried that I may need this money to cover the mortgage on my house as my tenants are moving out soon and I intend to sell it but it may take a while. Being self employed means an extended holiday hits my pocket too. I don't think it has gone down well that I said I don't want to go but even if I used my Christmas money I would feel it was a waste not using it to go somewhere I actually want to go and I resent that we have to go on so many family things and don't get much holiday time to ourselves without his parents etc.

His kids and family will be upset but even if he paid towards me going I know it would be put on the 'money owed' list and I don't like being in debt. He is very money orientated and sees what I do for work as not very important and even though I work hard at it I will never earn loads. He thinks I should do more 'womanly' tasks despite the fact that I also work long hours and I don't feel it is 'our' house as was very much 'his' before we got together. I am meant to be selling my house so we can get a bigger place together. He keeps dangling the idea of getting engaged at me but he just makes excuses about it and why he hasn't asked yet that put me down and really makes me feel quite insecure about our relationship. I feel he measures our entire relationship on money and housework and doesn't appreciate the many other things I have changed in my life or what I do for the kids as it isn't a measurable thing. Help.

Blu Thu 02-Jan-14 12:03:25

Er, no, don't go!
It is in effect him telling you how to spend your money...a bit rich when he also complains about your contribution etc.

I would use the time he is gone to re-assess the level of equality in your relationship and how it works.

I definitely wouldn't be giving up my hard won assets and pooling them in with his with this level of doubt and discomfort about money and sharing and equality.

Independent assets are a strong foundation for a woman - do not give them up for this man.

He puts you down, or makes you feel put down? Really - not a good basis for a relationship.


Mellowandfruitful Thu 02-Jan-14 12:03:41

OK, there are quite a few things here to address. First off, it is not a good sign for two people who plan to merge their lives, sell houses to be together etc. if one of them regards money spent on the other as to be "put on the money owed list". If you are really life partners, your money would thought of jointly and spending planned jointly.

How much do you do for his kids? Do you have kids yourself, and are you planning any (more) in the future? If so there are a lot of issues here to be straightened out.

brettgirl2 Thu 02-Jan-14 12:03:49

Move back into your house when the tenants move out? He sounds very controlling to me, sorry sad. 'Money owed list' hmm wtf?

CookieLady Thu 02-Jan-14 12:04:41

Leave him.

He doesn't value you and sees you as a means to end with regard to purchasing a bigger property. He has no intention of proposing to you.

You deserve better.

OwlinaTree Thu 02-Jan-14 12:04:44

Are you paying half and half for everything, or are you paying a proportion based on what you earn? If the kids are his and not yours, should he be contributing a bit more?

CynicalandSmug Thu 02-Jan-14 12:06:31

This does not sound like a health happy relationship, the holiday is the least of your problems.

bragmatic Thu 02-Jan-14 12:06:58

Don't go. Don't marry him.

JollySantersSelectionBox Thu 02-Jan-14 12:08:10

I think the holiday is the least of your problems.

I would be considering moving back into my house and perhaps letting the empty rooms to supplement my income for a while.

HaroldTheGoat Thu 02-Jan-14 12:09:00

Move back into your own house he sounds like an arsehole thanks

ohfourfoxache Thu 02-Jan-14 12:09:28

Er, sod the holiday and ltb. "Money owed" list? Fuck that.

He is using the getting engaged thing as a way of controlling you.

Seriously, he sounds like a tosser shock

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 02-Jan-14 12:09:51

Move back to your house until you find someone who does see you as an equal - would be my advice. Forget about the holiday - that's not your issue.

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 02-Jan-14 12:11:50

I think that's called 'unanimous'.

theimposter Thu 02-Jan-14 12:16:46

Thanks; I was paying him rent but haven't for the past few months as have struggled for money with my new business/teething issues with it and my part time hours were cut down also. I was planning on paying some of this back with my Christmas money. We have the kids at weekends mainly and no I don't have my own so it has been quite a change for me to having to think about them. I don't do a lot of things I did before we met as have moved away from my area and when we have the kids over stuff revolves mainly around them (rightly so). I don't like not contributing 50/50 but at the moment I can't. When the kids are here I am very involved; homework, cooking with them and if they are stuck for school runs I help out with things like that.

Cerisier Thu 02-Jan-14 12:17:00

He keeps dangling the idea of getting engaged at me

He is playing games with you and has no intention of merging finances or marrying you. Money owed list- this isn't a partnership it is a way of controlling what you spend your money on and making it things he wants you to spend it on.

Don't go on the holiday. Do take a long hard look at where you want to be in 5 years time.

ChasedByBees Thu 02-Jan-14 12:18:47

Yep, agree with everyone else. If he wanted you there, he would pay as a gift. If you're living together then finances should be shared and it's a really bad sign that he is so money focused (and finds you lacking).

Grennie Thu 02-Jan-14 12:25:44

It sounds like there are lots and lots of issues in your relationship. He does not treat you well. Think about where you want this relationship to go?

TheVermiciousKnid Thu 02-Jan-14 12:29:26

Ditch the holiday and ditch the man.

pictish Thu 02-Jan-14 12:37:18

The 'money owed list' eh?
Ok. He sounds like a peach. Or not.

My heartfelt advice?
Ditch the bloke, and the holiday with him.
Job done. x

pictish Thu 02-Jan-14 12:38:05

And what cerisier wrote as well.

daisychain01 Thu 02-Jan-14 12:40:08

Another one here supporting what everyone is saying that the arrangements and basis of your relationship sounds appalling, and I would seriously consider your future. No way would I put money towards a holiday you dont want to go on, gosh why ever should you!?

Be empowered, don't be beholden to anyone with a financial balance sheet, ticking off the sums of money held against you, you are worth much more than that!

Love the comment by vermicious grin


NoComet Thu 02-Jan-14 12:42:30

He wants a house keeper and a weekend Nanny, not a partner or a wife.

I think you worked that out your self as you wrote your posts.

pictish Thu 02-Jan-14 12:43:16

If your tenants are moving out, please take the ideal opportunity to move back in yourself.
It would be the best decision you could make at this time.
Do not seek to marry this man.

'Womenly tasks' I ask you!

NoComet Thu 02-Jan-14 12:43:51

If you were really in love, you'd want to go on holiday with him, money would not be your first thought (it might be your second)

theimposter Thu 02-Jan-14 12:44:10

Thanks all for the advice; plenty of food for thought. I know I'm not the domesticated type but I was hoping if we moved somewhere more suitable for me to get my work done then it would cause less issues. I can't move back to my house as it doesn't have the ground space I need for my business equipment. If we did split up I'd still need to sell and move to somewhere suitable.

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