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To hate being gay?

(177 Posts)
DixieGoesToHollywood Thu 02-Jan-14 10:57:33

I know this seems rather self indulgent and is probably a bit of a non issue but it's something I just can't get out of my head.

I am a lesbian and unfortunately can't change that, much as I would love to be straight.

I feel like I can't cope with the people who make comments in the street (not all the time, but on the odd occasion) and shout at me and DP that we are disgusting. I hate the way I have to correct people when they assume my DP is a man and they always pretend not to be shocked but sometimes you can tell they're thinking "oh my god, didn't have her down as a lesbian" grin.

I'm worried that my future children will be bullied and that other parents won't want to hang round with me and DP.

I guess I'm worried that homophobia is still around and I honestly wish I could be straight and just blend in. I hate myself even more for being so ashamed.

RandyRudolf Thu 02-Jan-14 11:00:53

Never think that this is a non issue. You have every right to voice your feelings over this.

FudgefaceMcZ Thu 02-Jan-14 11:02:16

sad I'm sorry you and DP are suffering this kind of stupid treatment by pathetic homophobes.

Do you think you might get chance to move somewhere more tolerant? I think the UK varies a lot in how many bigots there are- small towns etc are really bad for it whereas some places are a lot less 1950s-ish.

RandyRudolf Thu 02-Jan-14 11:02:55

Posted too early then!

Homophobia is well and truly still a big issue. I have friends, family and colleagues who in the right social situations are all politically correct yet when you're in private you can guarantee a 'joke' or a 'sneer' about someone gay, be it on TV or real life.

Fleta Thu 02-Jan-14 11:02:59

You poor, poor thing. Am I allowed to give you a very un-Mumsnetty hug?

I don't think anyone for a minute wouldn't want to have an easier ride and blend in. I don't think that's anything to be ashamed of.

I do have a private snigger when people say "well I wouldn't have thought she/he would be gay" - WHY?!

Hang in there x

phantomnamechanger Thu 02-Jan-14 11:03:17

are your own family accepting of you and DP? I just wonder where your "shame" and "wishing you were straight" stems from.

IMO life is too short for worrying what other people think - try to accept who you are and be happy. Anyone who has a problem is not worth worrying about.

MardyBra Thu 02-Jan-14 11:03:25

Sorry to hear you're having a having a rough time with prejudice. I think society is becoming more accepting, but it is a slow process, and some areas of the country are probably more gay-friendly than others.

Although you have a few nobbers who are causing you aggro, don't forget there is a silent accepting majority who are supportive.

Spottycurtains Thu 02-Jan-14 11:04:04

I understand how you feel. My son is gay and I worry for him for all those reasons. But his sexuality is the least interesting thing about him, he's funny and kind and loving and the most wonderful human you can imagine and I bet you are too.

cuggles Thu 02-Jan-14 11:05:05

Dixie, I am sorry you still feel this way in this day and age and being straight I probably dont understand so cant offer much but I did want to say one thing...Iam a secondary school teacher and really feel teenagers nowadays are much more accepting and genuinely pretty unfazed by sexuality these days. I hear much more in the way of homophobia from my mums generation than the kids I teach (and I dont teach in a great area!) So hopefully times are changing and things will improve for you and any children you might have.

x2boys Thu 02-Jan-14 11:06:54

I,m sorry its even an issue in this day and age and there is still homophobia around. I am seeing more and more same sex couple having families including my cousin people are ignorant its wrong and very rude!

lizardqueenie Thu 02-Jan-14 11:07:13

I just wanted to post my support Dixie, your post made me feel really sad. Is there any support in terms of counseling that would help you feel better and cope better? You shouldn't feel ashamed at all and you should feel extremely proud of who you are. Is there a gay community close to where you live? I live very close to London and other big towns so although homophobia still exists i feel its more diverse. Do you have any support from family or your DP's family? Un-MN hugs

ViviPru Thu 02-Jan-14 11:08:32

It must be shit sometimes, OP. But if it's any comfort, with it being increasingly common for same-sex couples to have children, things will hopefully get easier for you and future DCs.

I mentioned on here the other day my 5 y-o goddaughter chatting away to me about her BF's Mums like it was the most normal thing in the world, she completely accepts it unquestioningly, as she should. And that's just in an unremarkable suburban environment, not a particularly progressive, nor unconventional circle. In fact, now I think about it, at the BBQ she was chatting about, her other godparents were present, two lesbians currently undergoing IVF. I reiterate, the mutual friends (my goddaughter's parents) are not especially unconventional or progressive, nor have a particularly diverse circle of friends.... I just think it's a sign of the times that peoples choices are becoming more widely accepted and with more people being out about their sexuality, it's slowly becoming mainstream.

Don't hate yourself sad

DixieGoesToHollywood Thu 02-Jan-14 11:08:52

It's particularly hard because I'm only really "out" to close family and friends so I do get a lot of people e.g. At work making wanky comments about gay people without realising I am one of them!

My parents tolerate it, but I think deep down they are disappointed. They also refuse to acknowledge that me and DP could get married or start a family. My mother who is a biology university lecturer specialising in medical science asked me the other day if lesbians could have babies angry.

koTinkaBell Thu 02-Jan-14 11:10:08

yanbu, it's definitely a harder life and recent events (Russia!) make me worry for gay people.

I'm bisexual and it's so much easier to just live life as a straight person, though I feel it's a cop out.

I'm not gay.. but my 22yr old daughter is, and she didn't 'come out' until she was nearly 20, even though she had always always known, precisely because of what you have said...she didn't want to be different, she wanted the norm (whatever normal is!) and she was worried about how she would be perceived in her career (medicine).

However one day she just took a deep breath and basically said 'this is who I am' and has been a lot happier ever since! And to be honest I don't think anyone actually was bothered or shocked.. the family reaction from her youngest brother to her grandparents was ' go find a nice girlfriend and be happy' smile

I think that anyone, who is perceived to be 'different' in any way gets raised eyebrows and the odd comment now and again.. whether it be sexuality, disability (my youngest has autism and learning difficulties and appears 'weird') fashion choice, weight.. that's just society, unfortunately. Explaining to my son, who is as gentle and harmless as can be, that 'retard' is a nasty word used by nasty people and that people can be plain mean, is heartbreaking, but I can't protect him from everyone and everything and we just ry to give him the confidence to step out and be himself.

But maybe it would help to have some councelling for yourself to talk about how you feel, and why and to help you feel happier in your own skin? Are you part of the the LGBT community? DD1 is surrounded by friends who are gay, friends who are straight and quickly realised that actually she's not that much of a minority smile

Hang in there.. it really IS ok to be who you are!!

DixieGoesToHollywood Thu 02-Jan-14 11:12:55

I have to say that reading comments on here really does help me to realise that not everyone is homophobic so thanks to you all! You really are helping.

Vivi I saw that comment on the thread and it made me smile smile.

RandyRudolf Thu 02-Jan-14 11:13:32

I used to just ignore people when they made wanky comments about other people's choices but now I challenge them. I don't see why i should stay quiet and let people get away with saying some of the things they do.

ViviPru Thu 02-Jan-14 11:13:50

Good! Keep smiling grin

neunundneunzigluftballons Thu 02-Jan-14 11:14:33

I think anything that differentiates you from the cultural norm has the power to make you feel like that. I have felt like that bf in public in a completely breastfeedingaphobic society as a minor example. It really is as simple as accepting that there are ignorant arseholes in the world and it is not your job to change them and then continue as you were. If it is not about race or sexuality it can be about anything with those idiots. It is destructive to your self esteem to feel that way about something that is fundamental to your being so I wonder if you might need to address these feelings through counselling.

Beastofburden Thu 02-Jan-14 11:18:53

Dixie, part of this may indeed be where you work and/or live. Wankerish comments are really not the norm, so the fear that your children will have to tolerate them, or that you will, forever, may be based on you being somewhere rather small-minded.

I work at a university and we have a temp at the moment. That person is gay and has a number of other characteristics that have led to bullying in other jobs. Even though the job is not as challenging as they could manage, they absolutely love it as there is not one sniff of disrespect or mockery.

Deciding how public you want to be is a highly personal decision. I have noticed that the people who are generally out seem to me to be more relaxed than the people who are largely not out ( though out to me, obviously; I have no clue about the people who haven't told me) . But it's impossible for me to know if this is cause or effect. Are the out people happier because they are out, or are they out because they were already happy in their skin?

Lizzabadger Thu 02-Jan-14 11:21:06

You're not being self-indulgent and sadly it's not a non-issue.

I think you need to work on the being ashamed bit though.

Good luck and happy new year!

Elfhame Thu 02-Jan-14 11:22:09

It sounds like you have internalized the stigma and it is harming your self-esteem - you shouldn't have to hate what you are.

I am sorry to hear that in this day and age there are ignorant idiots making people feel like this.

DottyDot Thu 02-Jan-14 11:24:38

Hi there - is there any way you can consider being 'out' to more people - at work and to a wider group of friends?

I used to find it much harder back in the days when I wasn't out to everyone - somehow once absolutely everyone knows, there's no 'shame' or place to hide, so it seems easier?! I haven't expressed that very well but hope it makes some kind of sense.

The main thing that drives me a bit bonkers is the constant 'coming out' when we meet new people - either at work or ds's schools. But it's OK - have got used to correcting people's assumptions (that dp must be a man) and then it's done.

Ds's say they find it a bit annoying sometimes to have to explain to their new friends about having two Mums, but we check in with them fairly regularly about whether anyone's given them grief about it and they say no - it's all pretty matter of fact to them and they can't understand (bless them) why anyone would give anyone else a hard time about being gay. I think this is also the view of most of their friends. Could be seeing life through rose-tinted glasses but I think things are changing for that generation - whereas we lived through much more difficult years of homophobia in this country.

Thetallesttower Thu 02-Jan-14 11:24:49

I'm sorry you feel like this. I do agree attitudes are changing, we certainly have several out members of staff at work (in a professional environment) but this is relatively recent but a very positive step I think, that people feel they can be themselves, bring their partners along to the Christmas party and not lie about the gender of their partner when chatting.

So, things are changing, but I understand if you work or encounter bigotry a lot more, this may not be very visible and I do agree many people make unthinking nasty remarks about being gay as part of bantering (not my friends, but I have heard it).

I also think the younger generation is more liberal, my children have always known that men and women can marry in different combinations, and my 10 year old dd was chatting about Tom Daley the other day as the school did a class about him and how great he was! This was unthinkable in my generation, so I hope that this continues.

But- as others have said, are you part of a wider community? Do you have other friends who are gay/bisexual? It's a shame you feel so lonely and isolated- you may not want to fit into the 'gay community' (or you may) but surely if you get chatting to your friends you may find some of them are gay or bisexual too, people often have a variety of experiences in life and by being open yourself, you will find others have similar ones much more than you think- you are assuming you are very isolated but you may find that's not the case.

AmberLeaf Thu 02-Jan-14 11:26:47

I have teen boys and I get the impression that being 'out and proud' is more common amongst their age group than it was when I was that age, their peers don't seem to view it as something to be sneered at and they are very accepting and matter of fact about it.

My Mum was friends with a few lesbians when I was growing up, so it was the norm for me and my siblings, homophobia was never ok as far as my Mum was concerned. I have passed that on to my children.

I would have no qualms at all about my children being friends with children of a gay couple and by extension, I would be as friendly with the parents as I would any parents of my childrens friends.

I know it is still an issue for some though.

I know its easy for me to say, but be proud of who you are, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

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