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to wonder what's more important for dc - contact or extra-curricular activity?

(237 Posts)
flummoxedbanana Tue 17-Dec-13 20:56:10

Dc in question is 6. Her father wants one full weekend Friday from school until Sunday evening in contact per month, as well as every other Sunday and one or two midweek contacts each week. Her mother says no to the full weekend on the basis that the dc has an extra-curricular on the Saturday morning which she doesn't want to give up. Her father thinks contact, and a whole day of it uninterrupted, is more important. Her mother thinks the father should work around the child. The mother says she'll compromise by letting the father collect from school on Fridays as long as he takes dc to her activity on sat morning. The activity is just over an hour from where the father lives and involves the other children having to travel alongtoo, ttaking them up to 1pm on a sat before they're back home which the father objects to as he says it's taking up too much of their time.

Who do you think is BU?

Writerwannabe83 Tue 17-Dec-13 20:58:11

The dad is BU for making his daughter give up an activity she really enjoys doing just because it takes up too much of his morning. It sounds a bit selfish in my opinion.

MincedMuffPies Tue 17-Dec-13 21:01:00

Sounds selfish of the dad, he can compromise and put his daughter first. I take my dc to their clubs even when I'm tired, busy and can't be arsed as they are my dc and their club commitment is important to them.

The dad could make Saturday afternoon about doing what the other dc really like doing to make it fair.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 17-Dec-13 21:01:44

What's the activity?

She's six, surely missing the activity once a month is less important than the DD having a meaningful relationship with her father?

Backtobedlam Tue 17-Dec-13 21:01:59

Could they find another club where dc could still do the activity but nearer to where dc's father lives so cut down the travelling?

RandomMess Tue 17-Dec-13 21:03:51

Hmmm perhaps there could be further compromise he could take her every other Saturday that he has her so she would miss one Saturday in 8? Perhaps on the weekend she does go he could pick her up after the activity but yes to one long full weekend per month - could probably coincide with half term and other school holidays when the activity isn't on?

uselessinformation Tue 17-Dec-13 21:03:54

For years I paid a full month's fees for an activity that ds could only go to every other Saturday because of contactwith his dad. These things just have to be done..

IneedAwittierNickname Tue 17-Dec-13 21:06:10

When I was a child, I did an activity more than once a week.
My dad lived an hour-hour and a half away. On the weeks I was at his, he dropped me off and picked me up. If he hadnt then it would have cost money in missed lessons (they were paid for termly and if you missed a lesson there were no refunds) and I would have missed whatever we were learning that week.

Imo the dad is b u.

TeenAndTween Tue 17-Dec-13 21:06:50

my compromise would be to have contact every other w/e from Sat lunchtime to Sun pm.

flummoxedbanana Tue 17-Dec-13 21:08:24

Father is willing to cover fees of missed weeks and enrol in activity closer to him. Mother doesn't see the problem in three other children travelling two hours andwwaiting around for one and doesn't think enrolling close to father is acceptable as she thinks it'll hinder dcs progress in the activity if there isn't continuity.

flummoxedbanana Tue 17-Dec-13 21:10:45

Ineeda - do you still use the skills learned at that activity? Father argues that few children continue in the same hobbies once older and so having a relationship with him is more important. Dc also does five other activities per week.

BuffyxSummers Tue 17-Dec-13 21:11:04

Well, we can see which team you're on wink

The other children could easily be entertained for an hour by the father. Mother may be correct that progress will be hindered depending on the activity.

flummoxedbanana Tue 17-Dec-13 21:12:53

Teenandtween - that contact pattern isn't possible here. But even so, father would argue he still never gets a full uninterrupted day with dc to have a day out, visit family etc. Mother says neither does she but dcs wishes are more important.

WooWooOwl Tue 17-Dec-13 21:12:59

I think the mother should compromise if the father is willing to pay associated costs and if the child is keen to continue the activity closer to his home then there's no reason why that couldn't happen.

Who are the other children?

Ultimately I think contact with a father is more important than an activity.

basgetti Tue 17-Dec-13 21:14:50

Is your DP Dad? The one who hasn't seen his children for 2 years? He can't suddenly come in demanding they give up activities to suit him. Apologies if you are a different poster but your circumstances are very recognisable and you post about this lots under different names.

gobbynorthernbird Tue 17-Dec-13 21:15:13

Contact is way more important.

Monetbyhimself Tue 17-Dec-13 21:17:20

The child has a life. Your partner fits in around that life. That includes birthday party invites etc.

TeenAndTween Tue 17-Dec-13 21:17:46

I think its a bit much for the other children to have the extra travel and waiting time. Basically they spend the whole of Sat morning hanging around for their sibling.
So either:
miss session (could be hard depending on activity)
change contact to start after activity
drop activity (or do during week)

Most activities would be difficult to do at 2 separate locations. eg ballet/swimming would be concentrating on different things, or teachers would want slightly different styles etc. Similarly regularly missing sessions could be awkward.

flummoxedbanana Tue 17-Dec-13 21:18:06

The other children are also theirs Woowoo. No basgetti.The ffather here has regular contact but would like a full weekend which the mother disagrees with. Father is friend of dps, mother is friend of mine.

waterrat Tue 17-Dec-13 21:19:00

Contact is more important if all other things are equal

Am surprised at responses here.

Dad doesn't have to followed mums suggestions on what to do with his contact time - and taking up families while morning every single weekend is not something a normal parent would choose

Monetbyhimself Tue 17-Dec-13 21:20:34

Am confused. Who are these three other children ?

waterrat Tue 17-Dec-13 21:21:04

Just re read - he only wants this once a month !! The mother is being deeply unreasonable

The child needs to have space to develop proper relationship with father on his fathers territory ie spending time with family Etc

It's once a month the mum needs to back down

basgetti Tue 17-Dec-13 21:21:10

Okay, so how is contact currently happening? Is Dad taking her to the activity?

RandomMess Tue 17-Dec-13 21:21:46

I think that the contact is more important tbh - I'd be horrified if she won't even consider a compromise like I suggested.

5 activities is way too many IMHO!

BuffyxSummers Tue 17-Dec-13 21:22:49

Why does he only want it once a month? Why not pick up Saturday after the activity but do it twice a month so he's getting the same amount of time but spread out differently?

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