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to have cancelled this trip for the whole family?

(45 Posts)
idiuntno57 Wed 23-Oct-13 11:59:34

So one of my DC is exhibiting very challenging behaviour. It is their birthday soon and we had planned family trip out to celebrate. A couple of days ago I was at my wits end and said that if the behaviour continued I would cancel some of the birthday plan.

As I should have anticipated it has continued and this morning I told DC that the trip was cancelled. DC thinks I will change my mind but the others are pretty sure I won't and are upset. They were looking forward to the trip too and are cross.

So - WIBU to have done this? Should I relent?

I don't want to seem to be a pushover but it would have been a nice thing to do. (although I am happy not to have to spend the money!)

NB logistics mean that it is impossible for DC to be left out of the trip. If we go we all have to go.

YippeeKiYayMakkaPakka Wed 23-Oct-13 12:01:43

Relenting now wouldn't send a very good message to the DC that's been misbehaving, so I think you need to stick to your guns. It does seems a shame that the others are being effectively punished as well though.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Wed 23-Oct-13 12:01:52

Do not back down. It might not have been the wisest threat, but now you have made it, you have to stick to it. Maybe the peer pressure of their siblings being upset will help behavior?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 23-Oct-13 12:02:57

I think I would have tried to choose something that would only impact on the child who was being badly behaved.

However now that you've done it you need to stick to your guns.

lottieandmia Wed 23-Oct-13 12:03:58

YABU to cancel any child's birthday imo. You should find some other way to address the behaviour but birthdays should always be left out of it.

idiuntno57 Wed 23-Oct-13 12:04:07

I'd thought as much. Curse the idle threat it will come back to bite you on the bottom.

idiuntno57 Wed 23-Oct-13 12:04:40

lottie just out of interest why are birthdays separate?

notwoo Wed 23-Oct-13 12:05:10

I think you need to stick to your word now. But can you reschedule the trip for another week / month as an incentive for better behaviour?

idiuntno57 Wed 23-Oct-13 12:05:11

And I haven't cancelled all the plans. Just the trip out.

GhostsInSnow Wed 23-Oct-13 12:05:13

I do feel a bit sorry for the other DC's not their fault yet they are being punished for their siblings behaviour.

lottieandmia Wed 23-Oct-13 12:06:42

Because to punish any child on their birthday is quite cruel imo. None of us are perfect but we all have the right to celebrate our birthdays. How old is the child btw?

lottieandmia Wed 23-Oct-13 12:07:51

Oh I see. In that case I think I agree you can't go back on it now, except perhaps to say that he/she can earn it back with good behaviour in time?

pictish Wed 23-Oct-13 12:10:02

Never threaten something you won't want to follow through on.
Never threaten something that will impact on other innocent people to their detriment.
Never take away a birthday treat. Far from being a big birthday fuss maker myself, I still think that birthdays have to be seperate.

There is nothing wrong in taking your time to decide what your leverage is going to be. Kneejerk threats are difficult to avoid - we have all done it - but if possible think it through first.

In your shoes I'd give the dc concerned an opportunity to earn it back, then draw a line under it.

TantrumsAndBalloons Wed 23-Oct-13 12:11:31

See, I don't think you do have to stick rigidly to whatever punishment you threatened in the heat of the moment.

Now you have time to think about it, you have Realised that it is not an appropriate punishment because it impacts the whole family. So, why can't you just say that to children?

It doesn't undermine your authority IME to say look you know what, I said x in the heat of the moment but it was the wrong thing to say.

I don't get this insistence of following through even when you know it's unsuitable.

It's ok for your children to know that parents make mistakes as well.
Think about a suitable punishment, explain the situation, move on
It's not "backing down" or being a pushover.

AFingerofFudge Wed 23-Oct-13 12:16:46

I agree with tantrums on this one. I do believe in following through for the most part and my DC's have learnt that when i make a threat of a punishment I normally carry it out, but there has been an odd occasion where I got a bit carried away blush and have withdrawn the punishment but with an explanation and a different punishment.

baskingseals Wed 23-Oct-13 12:18:43

Agree with tantrums.

You can turn this into a positive lesson, we all say things in the heat of the moment which we can later regret, you can now show your dc that there is a way forward from that, what you say in anger does not have to be set in stone.

If you sit down and explain the situation to your dc, ultimately you will gain more, not less respect.

idiuntno57 Wed 23-Oct-13 12:20:02

so I think I will go with the depending on good behaviour punishment will be commuted because I don't want to hurt others.

Parenting is a veritable minefield. sad

NomDeOrdinateur Wed 23-Oct-13 12:22:54

Is it possible to delay the treat? (i.e. "You can't go this week because you did X, but if you behave properly for the whole of the following week then we'll go on Y date.")

LookingThroughTheFog Wed 23-Oct-13 12:23:20

It doesn't undermine your authority IME to say look you know what, I said x in the heat of the moment but it was the wrong thing to say.

I agree with this. We've all done it. The question is what you do next.

I think it's worth taking DS aside to have a long but calm chat with him about his behaviour, and see what he agree to if the chance of the trip is back on the table. He might well suggest that he'll try a fraction harder before you even suggest it.

The difficulty with birthdays is (in my opinion) not the fact that birthdays are special and sacrosanct, but because they regularly wind children up into little monsters. It's not unusual for them to start acting brattishly because they simply can't cope with the build up and the excitement.

zippey Wed 23-Oct-13 12:24:06

If you want to go back on it, what aboutt asking the child what he thinks is suitable punishment instead. If you are happy with it you could swap punishments. Maybe get the other kids involved too.

Madamecastafiore Wed 23-Oct-13 12:26:25

You are not hurting the others. Your child who misbehaved after being told the outcome is hurting your other children.

I would no way back down on this one and would explain tithe others that it is not your fault your birthday child chose to carry on misbehaving.

kali110 Wed 23-Oct-13 12:26:37

Think maybe bu for how it would impact the others.
Dont think its bu at all for cancelling a birthday trip or something because of bad behaviour.

FlapJackOLantern Wed 23-Oct-13 12:50:39

* lottie - YABU to cancel any child's birthday imo. You should find some other way to address the behaviour but birthdays should always be left out of it.*


Reprint Wed 23-Oct-13 12:56:09

You have to follow through, or you teach that you don't really mean what you say.
The other DC will cope - and I would expect them to also start exerting a bit of peer pressure on the dodgy behaviours front.

Sometimes being a parent is tough flowers

LittleBairn Wed 23-Oct-13 12:59:16

YABU to punish the others too. Leave the badly behave child at home with a babysitter and take the others.

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