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to be p***ed off and upset with dp for.........

(46 Posts)
twinniemummy84 Thu 10-Oct-13 09:55:56

going to stay with his ex for the weekend.

My dp and I have have been together 2 years and have 2 children together.
Dp has a ds from a previous relationship. His ds lives in Holland and therefore doesn't get to see him very often.

Dp is planning to travel to Holland in 2 weeks to spend his ds' birthday weekend with him BUT the problem I have with this is he is going to be spending the whole weekend at his ex's.

He would've liked me to go with him, but with work commitments and the 2 dc's I can't go with him. If I had been going with him we would've got a b&b but as he is going alone, his ex has offered to let him stay with them for the weekend, sleeping on the floor in their ds' room.
I am really uncomfortable with this. I know his ex fairly well, we have met several times and we get on well, even had a night out together.
They split up 10 years ago and I know neither has any feelings for the other, she recently ended a relationship with the father of her 2 other children and is now in a new relationship.

It's not because I am worried something might happen between them that I am worried about, I trust him and know she has no interest in him in that way but I still can't help feeling it's a bit weird for him to be staying in the same house as her, going out on day trips, just the three of them, having meals together, drinks together in the evenings when the kids are in bed etc it makes me really uncomfortable to think about it.

I know he doesn't get to see his son often so I'm not going to tell him he can't go but I would much prefer it if he got a b&b rather than stay at the house, but apparently they live in the middle of nowhere so it would cost a fortune in taxis's to and from a b&b in the nearest town and it would just be easier, and cheaper for him to stay there.

So, my question is, AIBU to be a little hurt, or am I overreacting?

quoteunquote Thu 10-Oct-13 10:00:26

Over reacting, he going to see his child, who he doesn't see often, so every second counts.

Sounds like they are being really sensible about it, so join in.

OvaryAction Thu 10-Oct-13 10:01:21

I think it sounds nice for his son, and you should be pleased for your DP that he is able to have this sort of relationship with his son and his ex.

MsVestibule Thu 10-Oct-13 10:01:23

No, YANBU to feel a bit weird about it; I don't think I'd be that pleased either. But don't feel hurt - it does sound like the most practical solution and as long as you trust him 100%, it shouldn't be a problem.

Dawndonnaagain Thu 10-Oct-13 10:01:24

We moved, years ago to the middle of nowhere. Ex dh used to stay here for weekends so that he could see his son. It meant none of that horrible dropping off at the door stuff. In fact, ex dhs parents died within four weeks of one another, a few years ago, just before Christmas, we had him and his brother for Christmas.
I think you just need to live with it. I think both he and his son will happier this way.

NotYoMomma Thu 10-Oct-13 10:01:29

yabu and need to get a grip.

the key words are

Libertine73 Thu 10-Oct-13 10:02:52

Over reacting. You know nothing will happen, and that he needs to see his son, so give him your blessing do he doesn't think you're pissed off.

gamerchick Thu 10-Oct-13 10:03:32

I understand it feeling weird for you.. but cab you imagine how buzzing his kids going to be seeing dad on waking up on a morning.

Personally I would suck it up. He's commited to you. Have a bit of trust.

pictish Thu 10-Oct-13 10:04:04

Yes yabu. It's not about you, or her, or even him - it's for the sake of the lad. You should be proud that your dp functions well enough as an adult, that this is even possible. It so often isn't the case.
You're being silly.

HopeS01 Thu 10-Oct-13 10:09:23

YANBU Twinnie. I'd feel uncomfortable too, but DP's son is the most important thing and it sounds like you're all trying to do what's best for him smile

AKAK81 Thu 10-Oct-13 10:14:06

YABU I think its great that his son will see that although no longer together, his parents can still get on. If only more separated couples were like this the world would be a better place.

Dobbiesmum Thu 10-Oct-13 10:22:33

YABU but I can see why it feels weird. It must be good for his son to his parents and you all getting on so well so concentrate on that side of it. She has a new partner who may well be feeling like he's going to get inspected by her son's father so you won't be the only one feeling strange about the upcoming trip!

hellsbellsmelons Thu 10-Oct-13 10:39:06

I stayed with my Ex on a few occasions when visiting my DD in another country.
No problem at all.
My DP wouldn't have batted an eyelid to be honest.
Don't worry about it.
It will be nice for him to spend some quality time with his son.

RabbitFromAHat Thu 10-Oct-13 10:41:26

My partner needs to do this sometimes and while I would never ever complain about it (I am very proud of the fact that he's a good dad who does what's necessary to spend time with his daughter) there is something inherently unnerving about having your partner in this situation, so you're not 'overreacting', it's just something that takes time to get used to.

Aeroaddict Thu 10-Oct-13 10:42:07

Are you sure you trust him? If you do I don't see why you would have a problem with it.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 10-Oct-13 10:47:34

I can see why you are a bit uncomfortable with it, it would take a saint not to mind even a little bit... BUT he sounds like a good guy, with a damn good reason for doing it - you just have to trust him. Easier said than done I know, but honestly, even if he booked into a B&B if they wanted to have sex they would - the difference in probability is minimal, the benefits to him and his son are huge. Don't send him off in a huff or under a cloud of suspicion.

PeppiNephrine Thu 10-Oct-13 10:52:25

It sounds like you are very insecure about your relationship, maybe because you've not been together long and clearly had little time together as a couple before having children.
There is nothing at all weird about him staying there, I'm afraid the problem is yours. There is nothing inherently wrong with it at all, anyone saying there is is plain wrong.

twinniemummy84 Thu 10-Oct-13 10:56:44

Thanks all for your replies.
I think perhaps I didn't word my post well. I'm more uncomfortable with it than anything. I have told DP this and he has said he understands and he can see why. I am not making things difficult for him, I have made it clear to him that I'm not cross with him for it and can see the benefits of it.
I am not pissed off about it as such, it just makes me feel a little uneasy.

I do trust him, it's not about that. It's hard to explain what it is I'm not comfortable with, but I have decided to tell him later that he can go ahead and confirm with his ex and DS when he calls them tonight, that he will be staying with them whilst he is there.
Like you've said, it's about his DS and the time he'll be spending with his dad, and I need to put my feelings to one side.

PeppiNephrine Thu 10-Oct-13 10:59:18

You've decided he's allowed and confirm?
Are you always so controlling, telling him what he can do?
If you were a man and he was a woman you would be kicked to bits on here for that attitude, it doesn't make it ok this way around.

twinniemummy84 Thu 10-Oct-13 11:07:36

That's not what I mean. It's not about me giving him permission, its about us, as a couple jointly deciding that we are both okay with it. I am simply going to tell him I am, so that is hardly me telling him he is allowed. I had already told him I wouldn't tell him what to do.

PeppiNephrine Thu 10-Oct-13 11:11:43

Well no, you say in your OP and the follow up about letting him go or telling him that he can't go "I'm going to tell him later that he can confirm". He's going to see his son, what on earth are you doing trying to make it difficult for him because you are insecure?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 10-Oct-13 11:14:42

Twinnie that sounds good. Have you arranged some nice things to do while he's away?

(Peppi - maybe chill a little?)

apachepony Thu 10-Oct-13 11:16:16

Don't listen to the catty comments here from women who haven't been in the situation, I think the vast majority of women would feel a bit uncomfortable so yanbu with your feelings but it's what you do that counts. It sounds like you have nothing to worry about, it makes sense, so let him go with your blessings.

PeppiNephrine Thu 10-Oct-13 11:19:34

Catty? Don't be such a teenage girl.
How many posts do you see on here about men who don't see their children, fathers who won't make the effort etc etc? And here you have a man who travels abroad to see his son, and wants to sleep on the childs floor. And you have his girlfriend saying she doesn't like it, he should stay in a B&B far away and spend money on cabs and spend less time with the child! All because she just doesn't like it, for no good reason.
I'm appalled, to be honest.

twinniemummy84 Thu 10-Oct-13 11:25:35

I have NEVER said he can't or shouldn't, I simply wanted to ask on here if I alone in feeling a bit uncomfortable with it.

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