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To be sceptical over DP seeing estranged children?

(83 Posts)
JeremySmile Mon 07-Oct-13 13:24:38

DP hasn't seen his children from first wife for two years, they are just turned 6 and 7. His ex told him to take her to court for contact after a minor disagreement which followed months of her cancelling contact as and when she fancied. He didn't do so, which I think is downright wrong. He got a call from her solicitor on Friday offering that they call him this week and see him at the weekend. So effectively, he's still done nothing to try and see them, his ex has offered them up as she probably needs help with them and he could enter their lives again only to leave if he falls out with his ex again. I'd say it was his choice and keep out of it but I have children to consider too. AIBU to be sceptical about it all?

Fenton Mon 07-Oct-13 13:30:51

I would be very concerned about my future with a man who couldn't be bothered to take up this offer to see his very young children. And two years with no contact? that's a really really long time at their ages - heartbreaking.

Does he think he's punishing his ex? - Is he too stupid to see what he's doing to his children?

It would be curtains for our relationship if it were me, - I don't know how you could justify what he's doing.

ThisWayForCrazy Mon 07-Oct-13 13:31:37

I would be sceptical of any man that hadn't done all they could to see their kids. I certainly wouldn't be with a man who had those values.

JeremySmile Mon 07-Oct-13 13:34:57

He will take up the offer to see them but my point is that his ex shouldn't have had to offer. He shouldn't have left it two weeks let alone two years. He doesn't know where they live or go to school or anything. He's done nothing, he barely even talks about them. I've just found out I'm pregnant and he doesn't know yet. I'm seriously reconsidering our future.

basgetti Mon 07-Oct-13 13:35:03

Did you witness for yourself why contact broke down in the first place? If not I would be sceptical of his explanations for this, and disgusted with his lack of action now.

NotYoMomma Mon 07-Oct-13 13:36:45

I wouldn't be skeptical because I wouldnt be with him

they are both dickheads by the sound of it

JeremySmile Mon 07-Oct-13 13:38:43

Yes I witnessed it basgetti, she is a nightmare. But not enough that she would stop me seeing my kids.

TigerBabyyy Mon 07-Oct-13 13:41:01

Please dont judge him.

If the ex is dropping contact as and when she likes causing hurt all round, its much more painful for everyone if he was involved in their lives only for them to see him one day but not the next.

Going to court etc with solicitors involved is very expensive and some people just dont have that kind of money. Besides if he did get a court order, whos to say nothing will change?

A waste of time, money and hurt for everyone.

If exs are very difficult and think they can play god with childrens lives and are only amicable if the man is doing as she says then the best thing is to walk away rather than cause years of upset for the children.

You have no idea of the hurt he has gone through to make the decision to not see his children.

SpiritOfTheBuskersCat Mon 07-Oct-13 13:43:35

I would not be with someone who cared so little about his children.

Fenton Mon 07-Oct-13 13:44:01

I get the 'nightmare ex' scenario, I get how painful it is, but I don't get how someone doesn't put up enough of a fight to then let it go on for two years.

Okay he can't stand his ex (and may well have good reason) but how can you stand not to see your children for weeks, months, years?

ashleysilver Mon 07-Oct-13 13:44:08

YANBU I would be reconsidering the future relationship too.

If you have a child with this man, he is likely to have the same lack of concern for your child, I'm afraid.

Tuonz Mon 07-Oct-13 13:45:13

I see your point Tiggy. But a waste of time? He could have tried, then if nothing else when the children are older he could show that he cared enough to try.

I think you should consider your future with him Jeremy, have you anyone to talk to about this? The relationships board is very helpful if there's no one in RL.

JeremySmile Mon 07-Oct-13 13:45:15

With respect Tiger, I've seen him everyday since and he isn't dying inside, as I know I would be in his position. He could self represent in court, I have a legal background and could help, it would be more settled for the kids or if the worst happened then at least they'd know he'd tried.

FreakinRexManningDay Mon 07-Oct-13 13:46:40

Has he been paying maintenance for the last two years?

JeremySmile Mon 07-Oct-13 13:46:52

There's no one in real life besides his family who think he's a poor man deprived of his children rather than considering the children deprived of their father.

JeremySmile Mon 07-Oct-13 13:47:13

Yes he pays maintenance.

TigerBabyyy Mon 07-Oct-13 13:47:56


If you didnt approve of what he was doing then why did you continue to see him?

He may have mentally blocked it out the fact he hasnt seen his children to help him cope

Fenton Mon 07-Oct-13 13:48:44

You can tell from your posts how disappointed you are in him. Do you talk to him about it, or does it end up in a shut down situation?

What is he like otherwise?

sorry you are in this position.

KirjavaTheCorpse Mon 07-Oct-13 13:50:13

2 years is an incredibly long time in a small child's life. They will have no idea who he is. That's awful.

Does he make an effort with your children, or are they background noise to him?

I couldn't be with a man who could care so little. Yanbu to be reconsidering your future with him at all.

JeremySmile Mon 07-Oct-13 13:50:25

It's his choice not to see them if that's what he decides. Not my pace to judge. However, I strongly disagree with him dipping in and out of their lives, causing stress for everyone, my children being disrupted when he doesn't have the backbone to formalise contact for his children's best interests.

TigerBabyyy Mon 07-Oct-13 13:51:41

How has he been with your children up to now?

RescueCack Mon 07-Oct-13 13:52:47

Hmm. I would have said 'alarm bells' but I've recently seen a dear friend go through nightmare access scenarios. He may well end up without contact, and hasn't seen DC for a couple of months now despite constant attempts to arrange it. I can see him retreating soon if something doesn't change because it's destroying him. If 2 yrs down the line someone was to suggest that this was a deal breaker in a newer relationship, it wouldn't be particularly indicative of his character - just his situation at this time.

Having said that, I can't imagine backing off personally and I don't think I know any mothers who would. It seems to be the preserve of fathers exclusively to protect their own hearts...

JeremySmile Mon 07-Oct-13 13:52:50

Fenton he just apologises and clams up. He does make an effort with my children and wants more; I think that makes it worse for me. His children deserve his time, how can he contemplate more when he hasn't resolved things with his existing children?

Fenton Mon 07-Oct-13 13:53:17

Of course it's your place to judge him! You do judge him.

JeremySmile Mon 07-Oct-13 13:55:58

I do judge, but I shouldn't. Not seeing them at all is fairer on them than dipping in and out of their lives IMO. That's not what I want him to do; when she stopped contact I'd have loved if he'd taken her to court and we had continued to have them 50/50.

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