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suffocating friend

(46 Posts)
backoffbarbara Mon 16-Sep-13 21:54:08

When I moved to the village I'm in I got friendly with another Mum. We get on but we are very different parents and this has caused issues, more for me thsn for her.

She is super competitive. Her dc can do no wrong yet the they are actually rude and obnoxious just she fails to see it. She is one of these parents that loves to tell other peoples kids off and ho really ott.

She is reslly intense and suffocating. If I arrange to go for a coffee with someone else in the village she will maje a pojnt of asking where I am going and have this face on like 'and why arent' I invited'. The next day she will make arramgements to have coffee with the same Mum. It happens without fail and I now don't know whether to laugh or cry about it. And can I just say this mum has way more friends than I do. She has friends I don't know, yet if have any new pals she wants to meet them and instantly wants to be their fb friend etc.

She is 'everyones' friend. I know it is very importsnt for her to feel liked and much of this is insecurity o her part but it is becoming very wearing.

It always needs to be about her. If she feels I am cooling off (i have tried..) she gets a catty and has in the past bern quite jokey rude to me slagging ofc my haircut sayjng 'oh look at you all new hair like a teenager Oooo'. She can also be really patronising infront of others making this face of exaggerated concern and saying 'are you alright love?' argh....

It has got to the pojnt where dh will say to me just keep away because he thinks she is dangerous. She is certainly manipulative thats for sure.

AIBU to feel like telljng her to fuck right off her weird suffocating behaviour.

silkboots Mon 16-Sep-13 21:55:46

No don't need to be rude to her just fob her off and distance yourself from her

backoffbarbara Mon 16-Sep-13 21:56:15

Oh god sorry so many typos. Stupid phone and my big fingers blush
Difficult to read op sorry.

backoffbarbara Mon 16-Sep-13 22:00:25

As soon as I distance myself she will make a point of becoming 'best mates' with whoever I am spending time with. It is like having a fecking stalker.

ItIsKnown Mon 16-Sep-13 22:03:29

I read the thread title and thought you had a pillow in one hand and your phone in the other grin

Life is too short and too hard to have people like this in it. If she has no redeeming qualities then I would send a frank but polte email telling her that you do not wish to have any further contact and citing the reasons. It might make her cop on to herself a bit and change her behaviour.

I have relatives like this but I don't dare say anything until my parents are dead (there will be SPECTACULAR wakes) but this isn't a person you need in your life.

KoalaFace Mon 16-Sep-13 22:05:32

She sounds horrible.

Do you feel able to weather a storm of fury if you just cut her out? If not is there anyone you can confide in who can act as a buffer? Go out for coffees together and stick to group activities. Be busy whenever possible?

Bin her.

But I would just do it. She'll soon get the hint. I wouldn't email because you have to see her around don't you?

fabergeegg Mon 16-Sep-13 22:12:52

There's no need to be rude about it. She doesn't own you and you don't have to bust a gut to step outside her control. It would probably be very wearing to have her as a sworn enemy. There will always be people like this in life.

It doesn't matter who she's having coffee with so stop worrying about that side of it. Her problem. Likewise, it doesn't matter what faces she pulls. This is completely you buying into her games. Ignore. Regarding the catty/patronising behaviour, I would practice being assertive so you're either ignoring it or calling her on it. Pleasantly. I find that people seem to run a mile when I put on this really concerned, intense stare and ask them about their feelings. It's convenient. Also, I would affirm her in ways that highlight the differences between you, reminding her that you're happy she's so popular and is such a ray of sunshine and ending with the observation that you're happy to have different, less spectacular gifts.

I can't see how you're going to get out of meeting her and going through the motions, though. I would have somewhere to go after ninety minutes and be exceptionally dull and breezy.

backoffbarbara Mon 16-Sep-13 22:17:48

Its not just see her around, she is part of just about everything in my life. School, swim lessons, dance lessons, Rainbows, etc. We live in a tiny village. Her suffocating ways have already cost me a friendship with another Mum. She is a manipulative cow and yet I'm only just beginning to see the extent of it.

revealall Mon 16-Sep-13 22:19:36

I think you might need the direct approach. She obviously delights in "the friendship game" not helped by the incestuous nature of villages and small towns.
Next sarky comment she needs a curt "what are you trying to say?" or similar.Preferably in front of other people. You can always put it down to being tired/bad mood or something but she'll have find a way to justify her comments. She might back off when she works out you aren't needy enough to put up with her.

MistressDeeCee Mon 16-Sep-13 22:21:55

Agree with other posters, and your DH. Life's too short just distance yourself from her. She sounds like a complete pest. I bet you're not the only one who feels the way you do about her either.

I'd be distancing myself and not worrying too much what she thinks about it at all. Feelings of relief will outweigh any other thoughts..

Oh dear that's bad then.

Can you move? grin

backoffbarbara Mon 16-Sep-13 22:24:20

faber interesting points. I will call her on her comments in future. Just sometimes I am so gobsmacked I am speechless. I painted my lounge once, agonised over my choice of paint, saved money up to afford Farrow n Ball. Risked my bold choice and when she arrived telling me 'oh Im dying to see it' she was like 'ooo' and no comment. So I ask 'what do you think?'. She says 'well it's orange'. (I know that obviously!!!!!)

ARGH!!!! She totally boils my piss!!!!

Are there any towns and villages nearby that you could socialise in? Mn meet up perhaps?

backoffbarbara Mon 16-Sep-13 22:25:18

itisknown yes sometimes i wish i had a pillow handy wink

pinkyredrose Mon 16-Sep-13 22:26:08

Life's too short for shit friends. You should make sure your other mates know what she's like.

How did she cost you a friendship?

pigletmania Mon 16-Sep-13 22:30:31

Just because your kids are involved in those things does not mean you ave to interact with her. Just be polite and civil, don't arrange anything, drop your dd/ds to rainbows and swimming and go sit I the car r go home and collect later

SugarHut Mon 16-Sep-13 22:32:01

Ok...if in all practicality and reality you can't avoid her, you need to deal with her so she doesn't irritate the shit out of you.

Some people are just like this, they have to make little comments, they have to feel they are more popular, they have to feel like they have that speciality above us mere mortals. That's what makes her world go round. Just be thankful your life has a little more substance.

The next time she acts like a braying hoorah and scoffs at your hair/shoes/etc, say nothing, just look her directly in the eye, smile in a satisfied way, and remind yourself that for someone's actions to affect you, you have to consider their opinion worth a toss. And it will make her look like an ill mannered buffoon.

In all reality, she's probably very lonely, lots of "friends" but actually no one of real substance that she has a genuine relationship with. What people think of her, and feeling included/queen bee is what makes her tick. It doesn't have to make her a bad person, just a bit of an arse when she can't help herself with her behaviour sometimes.

I can't remember who said it, but the quote about "when you scratch the surface, you get more surface" is probably rather well suited to her. Don't ever feel like the lesser person because you have better manners and more depth.

backoffbarbara Mon 16-Sep-13 22:39:06

Other people have found her overbearing. I know this. But I am not comfortable 'bitching' about her behind her back. (only on mnet!! grin )

She cost me a friendship by creating this really uncomfortable situation where she would constantly be pushing herself on me and this other person. She would invite us to her house and then get all offended if we couldn't go and then turn up at my house thinking the other one was round here (she wouldnt say this but it was fairly fucking obvious). It got to the point where this other girl spent a lot of time coming to me wanting to bitch about her and like I said Im not happy to do this. Also this other Mum would still go out with the 'suffocater!!' In the end I backed off and saw none of them, other Mum paniced I assume she thought I would reveal her bitching about the 'suffocator' but tbh I just wanted away from the whole situation. Honestly at that point I thought i might check into my local mental hospital for some respite. The whole thing spiralled and other Mum stopped speaking to me. Ironically she still speaks to the suffocator who I am sure stirred the whole pot of shit to end exactly as it did. I don't need this woman as an 'enemy' she is Mrs Manipulation.

Sorry such a big drawn out story, that was as short and sweet as I could make it. For the many minor points id need at least a night and a whole bottle of wine!!!! grin

backoffbarbara Mon 16-Sep-13 22:45:05

piglet without sounding needy, if i just drop and collect or sit in car I would completely cut myself off from everyone else. This is a small rural village. We have no family here. I need some 'friends'. Just not the psychopathic type....

sugar Though provoking post thanks. It just makes me sad that I have to put my energy into this. We are supposed to be friends ffs. I guess i am also disappointed to be seeing her true colours more and more.

MistressDeeCee Tue 17-Sep-13 00:36:26

Just get rid of her. What more to think about? She's not your sister.

People aren't sheep - every woman in the village isn't going to ignore you just because you aren't friends with her! Even if some did then surely they wouldn't be the type of friend you want - cliquey, with no mind of their own.

I'd get rid and not assume your social life lies solely in her hands; of course it doesn't.

Saffyz Tue 17-Sep-13 01:11:52

Think of a few people you don't like, and tell her you are thinking of meeting up with them. Then sit back and watch her copy!

dorisdaydream Tue 17-Sep-13 09:52:51

I think we all know one of 'those' types. My DS's best friend's mum is like it. She is the kind of person who wants daily contact and wants to do things together all the time, which tbh I find very stifling and I don't like. She then gets the hump when I won't do things the way she wants me to.

She also has to be 'friends' with everybody, and pushes her way into all conversations. She is very loud, and very pushy. I cringe sometimes when I see how she conducts herself.

I keep her at a distance. I have a feeling that she can, and would, turn quite nasty if she doesn't get her own way.

dorisdaydream Tue 17-Sep-13 09:53:59

Also, you would, I'm sure, be surprised at the amount of people that don't like the woman, but that just go along with things to keep the peace. People like her are never genuinely popular or well liked

backoffbarbara Tue 17-Sep-13 10:08:14

Sounds very similar to this woman. Always the one who talks most at meetings/the school gate/parties.
She LOVES parties and is very put out if she hears my dc are going to a party that her dc have not been invited to even if the children are completely different ages to her dc. What I find hard is she will actually say 'oh my dc haven't been invited' in a tone which suggests she feels they are intitled to an invite to everything and takes it personally if they aren't.

She is also keen to tell me things that are hurtful to me like 'oh did you see Sue really looking at that dress you are wearing and sniggering?' She will follow it up with 'oh don't worry love I think you look amazing, she just has no style!'. I mean wtf do you say to that hmm

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