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oh god i have to go on a spa weekend soon for a hen do. AIBU to ask

(66 Posts)
dirtyface Thu 12-Sep-13 16:00:04

why oh why do grown women getting married have to force all their mates to shell out 100s on organised "fun"

i have to go. she is one of my oldest mates, i can't let her down

but i will be 4 months pregnant

and its over 120 quid

i can't go in the jacuzzi or have any treatments due to being pg

i can't drink

i won't know many people

and i will most probably have to share a room with someone i don't know

aaaaargh sad

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 12-Sep-13 16:01:09

You don't have to go.

sonofapreacherman Thu 12-Sep-13 16:02:38

Don't go.

I'm completely with you on this.

I think guests have enough to worry about with presents/outfits/accommodation for the wedding without expecting people to shell out on hen crap as well.

Don't go, it sounds bollocks.

GirlWithTheDirtyShirt Thu 12-Sep-13 16:02:57

Can you not explain to the bride thg you can't make it and go out for a meal or something with her? I'm all for a good hen do, but if you can't partake then it's a waste of everyone's time!

GirlWithTheDirtyShirt Thu 12-Sep-13 16:04:19

I should add, I'm having my own hen do in a few weeks and is be mortified if anyone coming along didnt want to be there and just attended cos they thought they had to!

ShepherdsPurse Thu 12-Sep-13 16:04:31

YANBU - If friend wants everyone to go to a spa for a weekend, then she should be prepared to pay. To assume that everyone can just shell out for a weekend away is ridiculous.

You'll have a wedding outfit and present etc to buy as it is.

A good friend will understand that you are unable to go.

KoalaFace Thu 12-Sep-13 16:04:42

Oh DirtyFace this spa break isn't suitable for you if you can't do anything you're paying for! You'll feel left out and fed up. Is she a nice friend? Will she understand if you explain how its no good for you while pregnant and you two can go out for a lovely meal one day instead?

specialsubject Thu 12-Sep-13 16:04:54

you don't have to go, it is utterly pointless for you. Tell her all the reasons (at least you have good ones!) and say you are looking forward to the wedding.

HellonHeels Thu 12-Sep-13 16:05:17

Why can't you have any treatments? Pregnancy massage? Pedicure? Manicure?

OTOH I agree you could just not go.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 16:05:57

This is one of my bug bears - brides thinking it is ok to expect others to pay out!!

My Hen night was a night out down my local town with a Disney Character Fancy Dress theme!! grin

My best friend (who I was bridesmaid for) put on a Spa Weekend for her on Hen (costing about £160 per person) and I told her I wasn't coming. There was no way I prepared to spend that!! She was very put out, but she made the choice to have that type of Hen celebration.

When I was planning my Hen Night I absolutely knew I wasn't going to do anything that excluded people who didn't have much spare money - hence my cheap but bloody brilliant night out grin

Just don't go!!!!!

A true friend would understand your reasons x

diddl Thu 12-Sep-13 16:06:17

You don't have to go-it's an invitation which can be either accepted or declined!

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Thu 12-Sep-13 16:10:53

I was going to say you were being a bit miserable until I saw you are pregnant. Seriously, cry off, you won't be able to do anything. Is there not a meal out or something you could go to? Even drinks in a bar would be better - you could show up, spend a few quid on non alcoholic drinks and retire early!

mrsjay Thu 12-Sep-13 16:12:01

Dont go tel her you will be pregnant does she know say you cant do any of the soa shit treatments and would she like to go out for lunch with you instead, I wouldnt go to a spa anyway I would make excuses not to go It really isnt my thing

MaxPepsi Thu 12-Sep-13 16:12:05

Don't go.

As others have said, I purposely had just a day out, costing very little to actually attend. (travel and a cheap theme)

What people chose to spend on food/drink was then up to them.

I had a bloody lovely day. DH did the same, had a cheap to attend day out, it was then up to his stags how much they spent on the day.

Neither of us were offended if no one could make it either. Although I was pissed off at the people who cancelled at the last minute, ie the day before as I thought that was bloody rude!

KoalaFace Thu 12-Sep-13 16:13:28

Is your friend actually organising it?

I actually fell out with my maid of honour about my hen do. I told her I wanted a low key, cheap daytime do that I could bring my DS (who was still breastfed) to and my DM, DGM, MIL, young bridesmaids, etc would all be able to attend.

Behind my back she sent out emails to everyone saying we would be going away for the weekend for a boozy, night clubbing event that would cost £200 each!! My SIL came to me to apologise for not being able to afford it and I was mortified.

I had to organise a chilled tea party type thing (with tons of wine available obv) at my mum's myself in the end because "maid of honour" was so furious not to get her way.

Some people are just thoughtless!

girliefriend Thu 12-Sep-13 16:15:44

I was in this position recently, a very close friend had organised a hen party exactly like this one. I had a good time but totally agree that you don't have to go.

In all for this one brides wedding I think I must have spent in the region on £600 shock she choose to get married on the other side of the country so by the time you include the hen do, petrol, accommodation, drinks, dinner, gift, outfit etc £££££££££££££££££££££ !!!

squoosh Thu 12-Sep-13 16:16:08

Oh for God's sake, just don't go.

No big deal, plus you won't then waste energy looking disapprovingly at everyone having their 'organised fun'.

mrsjay Thu 12-Sep-13 16:18:21

I was invited to a hen do at a spa hotel and a night away my dh was the best man for an old friend i think she fel t obligedI didnt know the bride or anybody else just the grooms mum I didnt go I heard it cost over £500 all in I am glad I didnt go

BrokenSunglasses Thu 12-Sep-13 16:20:05

I think it's a bit mean for people to say you shouldn't go. It's a special thing for your friend, and if she's a good friend and you can affor it, then you should support her.

There are still loads of treatments you can have if you're pregnant, just avoid the heat ones.

dirtyface Thu 12-Sep-13 16:22:32

yeah she is organising it herself

i feel bad for her as initially she was going to blackpool for a drinking weekend, but loads of people dropped out or messed her about not paying etc so she recently had to cancel it and i think she lost money. she was fine with me not going to that but as its a spa break i feel like i should still go as i can still join in with stuff like the meal and i can swim etc

i really think the world of her and she is my oldest friend, she is like a sister to me and i dont want to let her down, i think she would be hurt

but part of me hopes loads of people say they cant come, so she cancels it before its even happening

i just dont understand all the fuss anyway, when i got married the first time i just had a big night out in my local town with all my friends, then the second time i got married blush i didnt even bother. we are all mums in our 30's anyway, half us of have been married / divorced several times, we are not a bunch of giggling 21 year olds ffs

HorryIsUpduffed Thu 12-Sep-13 16:24:04

Any spa worth its salt has special "mum to be" (vomit) treatments. But apart from that, I agree.

Not everyone likes spa days/weekends. They are expensive. You scarcely get to socialise if someone's off having their nails/face/legs done every half an hour.

TheContrastofWhiteonWhite Thu 12-Sep-13 16:26:09

Oh God, I am totally with you. I fucking hate big 'event' hen dos. Night out, fair enough, if you live in the same city as me or I can easily stay over with you, I will come.

I hate being guilt tripped into spending money that we could spend on a family weekend away or big day trip on a girls weekend.

I have turned down most recent ones on grounds of pregnancy or breast feeding. God knows what I'll do once that isn't on the list.

MrsDibble Thu 12-Sep-13 16:28:17

I think it would be perfectly reasonable not to go. If you don't feel you will enjoy it then if she is a good friend she will understand.

On the other hand you could quite easily go if you wanted to and have a nice time. There are treatments you can have when preg - I had a lovely facial the other week, which was fine - I told them I was pregnant of course. And as mentioned there are manicures/pedicures.

In my personal opinion, at four months a short jacuzzi or steam room probably wouldn't do any harm, although I know general advice is not to go in. You could definitely have a jacuzzi and just not sit on the bubble bit directly. I've been in steam rooms in both pregnancies and nothing happened to me. I was told it would be OK within reason by a doctor in first pregnancy - just don't stay in if feeling too hot. Though I understand that if you are showing people might feel the need to give you their two pence worth.

One thing you should definitely do if you do go is explain that you need your own room. No fun sharing a room when you are sleeping badly anyway.

Third option - are you near enough just to meet them for a meal as someone has said?

tolittletoolate Thu 12-Sep-13 16:36:01

I went in a jacuzzi when I was pregnant I had no idea you were not 'allowed' to!

quoteunquote Thu 12-Sep-13 16:56:56

say No, invite her to lunch.

Spa weekend, shudder.

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