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not to go on my sister's hen night?

(67 Posts)
missmargot Wed 07-Aug-13 15:47:15

My sister has just emailed me with the date and details of her hen night. I will be 7 months pregnant by the time it comes around and she has very sweetly made sure that there are activities I can join in on and made it clear she doesn't expect me to go on to late night bars with everyone else.

The problem is that her hen night is on my wedding anniversary. I know that wedding anniversaries aren't important to everyone but they are to DH and I. We have never been away for our anniversary for various reasons and we were determined that we would do so this year, firstly as it falls on a weekend so no need to take time off work and secondly because with the baby coming we may not get another weekend away in a while.

My sister has already moved her wedding forward as my due date fell on her original wedding day, which was incredibly nice of her but really unexpected, so I'm left feeling that I should probably change my plans for her.

If I'm brutally honest I would be reluctant to go even if it wasn't our anniversary as I'm already exhausted most of the time and can't imagine how I will feel in another two months. Add to that the cost of travel, activity, meal etc and I am left feeling I would rather not go, BUT would have put that to one side and gone if it weren't for the wedding anniversary issue on top of it all.

To add to my no doubt pregnany hormone induced guilt, this is my sister's second marriage and I can't help worrying that she will think that I am treating it as less important than her first marriage, where I was bridesmaid and organised a weekend away, was really enthusiastic etc.

I haven't told DH about the date yet, I know he will be really disappointed and upset if I tell him I want to cancel our weekend away (and it would be cancel as we couldn't afford for me to go on the hen night and have a special weekend away) so I want to be clear in my mind before I speak to him.

So, am I being unreasonable to tell her that I can't go and perhaps suggest she and I go out for a low key meal on another date?

mermaid101 Wed 07-Aug-13 15:52:38

Hard one! From what you have said, your sister sounds very considerate and understanding, so might be totally fine with it. Will she have remembered/realised that the date is your anniversary?

Are there a lot of other people going? If you did go, would you be able to have your anniversary weekend away with your DH the following weekend?

chrome100 Wed 07-Aug-13 15:57:52

I think you have to suck it up and go. It's your sister's hen do and she clearly wants you to be there as she has been very accommodating with your pregnancy. It's a one-off event and seemingly means a lot to her that you go. I think she'd be very hurt if you didn't.

FWIW, I didn't really want to go to my sister's hen do as it was a music festival and I hate them and I'd also been really ill but I did because I knew how important it was and did have a good time.

BiscuitDunker Wed 07-Aug-13 15:59:02

I would pass on the hen night,I'm sure your sister would understand,its not your fault,she probably totally forgot that weekend is your wedding anniversary and if you offer to go out shopping and for a meal or something another weekend before or after her hen night then I'm sure she would be more than happy to do this smile

Timpani Wed 07-Aug-13 16:03:04

I think you should go. I know you might not feel like it but it is your sister's hen night and she sounds like she has made huge efforts for you to go. I had my SIL at my hen night when she was 5 months pregnant and she really upset me by making a huge fuss despite the fact I'd geared all the activities around her and she didn't go to some of the but sat drinking red wine!! Anyway...

I know it's your anniversary but you will have many more anniversaries. Your sister will only have one (ok I know it's a second one!) hen night.

At seven months I was tired but wasn't too big and uncomfortable that I wasn't able to manage so I'd go!

diddl Wed 07-Aug-13 16:05:07

Can't you tell her that the date doesn't work for you as you have plans with your husband, but perhaps you can do something together before the wedding?

greenfolder Wed 07-Aug-13 16:06:18

I would tell dsis that I have booked to go away for anniversary.

missmargot Wed 07-Aug-13 16:10:41

I don't think she's realised it is our anniversary that weekend and I think the date was chosen because all of her close friends could make it.

If I go on the hen night we won't be able to have a weekend away as our budget won't stretch to doing both.

She has been very sweet and accommodating over the baby, although that was her own doing rather than me expecting or hinting, but lovely all the same. If I do go then I definitely won't make a big deal out of being pregnant, I may not last until the small hours but will smile and have fun and not bang on about swollen ankles/tiredness/not being able to drink etc.

I suppose I need to speak to DH about it. If he is more relaxed about it than I am expecting and tells me to go then it will make things easier, if on other hand he is upset and really doesn't want to cancel our weekend away then that will make things even harder but I will cross that bridge if/when it comes to it.

cacamilis Wed 07-Aug-13 16:13:52

I'm presuming that this is your first baby and your weekend away with your husband will probably be the last you expect to get for a while, maybe you could explain this to your sister and see what she says.
However she sounds so nice and thoughtful I personally would hate to let her down, did you not factor in the cost of her hen already when you knew it would be on the cards?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 07-Aug-13 16:14:40

I think you just have to say, "Sorry, that's my last child-free anniversary and we've booked to go away. Would love to have been there, hope you have a lovely time." The date works for her other pals, but not for you. It's impossible to please everyone.

LazyFaire Wed 07-Aug-13 16:15:09

Is it the friday? Could you go for the days activities, if she says she's not expecting you to be out all night, then get DP to pick you up and shoot off to a B&B for a couple of nights?

BlingLoving Wed 07-Aug-13 16:15:26

I think YABU. She has clearly made every effort to accomodate you. And while you're saying it's because you're pregnant, it's really about the money because I assume that even if she changed the date, you'd still have to choose between the hen party and the weekend away if it's a finance issue?

I do sympathise with your desire to get a weekend away with DH but I think that your sister would be very hurt if you cancelled on her at this stage. Is it not possible to use the pregnancy as an excuse to keep the day low key so that you can then afford to go away with DH another weekend? Eg go to the party but skip dinner as well as drinks and late night partying?

libertine73 Wed 07-Aug-13 16:15:32

Yes, try talking to DH, she's obviously gone out of her way for you, and I think she'd be pretty disappointed if you didn't go at all.

Tiredemma Wed 07-Aug-13 16:15:56

I think that you should go on the Hen Night- really sounds like she has moved lots of stuff around to include you.

Cant you celebrate your anniversary the following weekend?

MaxPepsi Wed 07-Aug-13 16:16:01

Has the email just arrived?

Tell her sorry, can't make it as we already have plans that weekend - it's our anniversary and DH has already booked something. I'm not sure what as he said he wanted to surprise me.

I appreciate the special effort you've for made me - can I make it up by taking you out for tea and cocktails (mocktails for me) before the wedding? Just the two of us?

libertine73 Wed 07-Aug-13 16:16:45

OP did she not check the date with you when she was making arrangements? Seems a bit weird you not telling her from the off of your plans?

missmargot Wed 07-Aug-13 16:17:23

I hadn't planned/budgeted for a hen night as originally she had said she didn't want one. The email today is the first I knew of it.

This is our first baby, although DH has a teenage son so second time for him.

mrslyman Wed 07-Aug-13 16:17:51

She changed her wedding date to accomodate you, and has structured her hen-do around your needs. What do you think you should do?

MikeOxard Wed 07-Aug-13 16:19:01

yanbu, I can't believe people are telling you to go under the circumstances - it's a hen do, not the wedding. In your situation I'd have called straight away and been v apologetic, but explain you're not up to it and in any case it's on your anniversary and you have already booked to be away. Surely she will understand.

diddl Wed 07-Aug-13 16:22:47

It's lovely that she has moved her wedding so that OP can be there.

Hen nights aren't so important though, are they?

And if she has just told OP the date without checking & Ops busy, that's unfortunate, isn't it?

OPs not asking her to move the date.

And if OP can't afford both, her sister moving the date wouldn't help either.

So OP-your husband or your sister-you choose!grin

rainbowfeet Wed 07-Aug-13 16:22:54

Sorry but I think you are being quite selfish. hmm

happygirl87 Wed 07-Aug-13 16:22:55

What are the plans for the hen? E.g. if there's a lunch or activity in the afternoon, could you do that, and then meet DH nearby in the evening for a late romantic dinner/champagne and strawberries and stay in a nearby hotel? Alternatively, if hen do is massive night out and then brunch the next day, could you check in to hotel nearby with DH, have a lovely eve, and then leave promptly in the morning and join your sister?
(You can tell I am a "please all the people"/have your cake and eat it too type!)

If either of these will work and you can make it to part of the hen do, can you make that part extra special, by organising a surprise photobook/cake/stripper/whatever she'd like?!

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 07-Aug-13 16:23:46

OK, say your prior appointment was that you're booked to go on the hen party of your oldest/closest/bestest friend in the whole wide world. Would you cancel her for your sister?

UnstoppableCousCous Wed 07-Aug-13 16:24:13

I don't think you're being selfish - if I had a friend with your reasons for not going then I would completely understand.

patienceisvirtuous Wed 07-Aug-13 16:26:44

I would go. She has been thoughtful and considerate towards you and your circumstances and it would be nice if you could be there to celebrate with her.

You will get plenty more anniversaries. A compromise could be that you and DH have a nice relaxing weekend together the weekend after of before the hen do and go out for a lovely meal etc?

I'm of the thinking that sometimes we should put others ahead of ourselves.

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