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to be ticked of with my SILs behaviour following my miscarriage?

(30 Posts)
TheHormonesMadeMeDoIt Sat 20-Jul-13 16:56:14

I had a MMC just over a fortnight ago and had the actual MC just over a week ago, my SIL knows this, and knows about my ectopic pregnancy less than 6 months ago. Yet when she came over today as she normally does as the weekend, she gave me a home foetal heart moniter machine that she had for her girls. When she gave it to me I just looked at it and said "well I've no need for it now do I?" and started to walk away, she said "just put it away for when you do" and that was that. I refused to use it when I was pregnant with DD so I don't even know why she thought I would want it if I was pregnant, let alone imediatly after a MC
I feel so hurt and upset and I just can't seem to stop crying again today, I was starting to get my head together the last few days but I feel like I'm back at square one. I've managed to avoid her for most of the day (DH and I live with my MIL so not been too hard - we lead a complicated life!) because I just feel like if I talke to her I am going to lose the plot completely and I can't do that with her 2 children around and my 2YO daughter. She's just gone home now but I am still so upset. AIBU?

Tee2072 Sat 20-Jul-13 16:58:34

YABU she's being a cow.

I'm really sorry about your loss.

5madthings Sat 20-Jul-13 16:59:27

Has she got no common sense poor empathy? My god what a tactless, thoughtless, horrible thing to do.

I am sorry for your loss, I am impressed at your restraint, I would have thrown the dam thing back at her!


wintersdawn Sat 20-Jul-13 17:01:33

yanbu I can't think of a more tactless to do! I would have shown her and her gift to the door.

pumpkinsweetie Sat 20-Jul-13 17:02:06

Yanbu at all, sorry for your loss opsad
What an insensitive sil you have passing something on to you so soon after you have lost your baby knowing you will have no use for itsad
I actually think it was quite nasty and i cannot see any other reason, other than to upset you why she has given it.

Don't think anymore of this doppler, throw it away or stick it in a junk cupboard. Rest, take care of yourself and don't have her round next weekend.
Nows the time to be alone with your dp not have harsh visitors.

I had a mc in Febuary and until then i didn't realise what heartbreak it brings xx

wintersdawn Sat 20-Jul-13 17:02:50

meant to also add so sorry for your loss.

BridgetandtheHairyBrigands Sat 20-Jul-13 17:08:33

YANBU to be so upset. In my opinion, your SIL was being downright cruel - how could she possibly think that was an approriate thing to give you?

I am so sorry for your MC and ectopic pregnancy. They are shit experiences to go through. Please be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve. It is still very early days.

I lost a baby at only 7 weeks last April, but there still isn't a day I don't remember him/her.

BloodSweatAndTears Sat 20-Jul-13 17:09:42

Thank you all so much (by the way I've name changed as I can hardly blame hormones any more sad)

I didn't think I was BU, but I just couldn't believe someone would do that. She's not normally a spiteful person and she's been through it once herself so I'm even more amazed that she thought it was appropriate.

I've got to get dinner ready now but I'll log back on later, thanks everyone. I feel a bit more justified in being so upset now!!

BloodSweatAndTears Sat 20-Jul-13 17:10:55

And I've just realised it's probably not the most appropriate name either, but there's a story to that too!

Pawprint Sat 20-Jul-13 17:21:04

I'm sorry about both your losses.

What an thing for sister to do! obviously you know her and I don't so only you know that she was being deliberately nasty or not.

FloweryOwl Sat 20-Jul-13 17:25:44

Yanbu at all. That was really insensitive of your SIL. Sorry for your loss xx

I had a mmc last year and about 2 weeks after I had my evac my friend rang me and said 'don't know how to tellyou this because of what you've just been through, but I'm pregnant. But on the plus side you can always play with my baby now'

Some people are just unbelievable.

FeckOffCup Sat 20-Jul-13 17:30:26

It was insensitive but maybe she was trying to help in an incredibly cack handed way rather than trying to upset you, looking ahead to the future when you will hopefully have a successful pregnancy and be able to use the doppler? Of course it isn't as simple as to just try again before you have grieved for the baby you lost but if your SIL is not normally a nasty person maybe she was being thoughtless about the timing rather than malicious.

Yonionekanobe Sat 20-Jul-13 17:32:07

Wow Flowery, just wow.

Wuxiapian Sat 20-Jul-13 17:32:20

I agree with Feck.

Mogz Sat 20-Jul-13 18:17:57

Sorry for your loss, I think YANBU a all, and that your SIL was very tactless. She may have wanted to gift it to you thinking that it would help you realise you can try again, without realising that is not what any person going through a MC wants to hear. Put it away, don't think on it, if you have a good enough relationship with SIL explain your feelings, if not, chalk it up to her being a bit of a twit and try to get on with feeling better.

Pancakeflipper Sat 20-Jul-13 18:21:22

I agree with Mogz and Feck. Totally tactless but if she's not got a history of being a spiteful cow then I think it's a massive error of judgement on her behalf.

Tee2072 Sat 20-Jul-13 18:24:22

Ack! That should have said YANBU!!!

nkf Sat 20-Jul-13 18:24:30

I am sorry to hear about your loss.

It was very insensitive, but I do think that people can be insensitive without being deliberately cruel. Which is more likely? Is it more likely to be stupidity than cruelty?

Do you think you can get past it?

BloodSweatAndTears Sat 20-Jul-13 19:10:41

She doesn't have a history of being cruel as such, but she does regularly get peoples backs up with her thoughtlessness, which borders on cruel sometimes. Does a cruel person always intend to be cruel though?
I don't really have a choice but to get past it really, we live with her Mum so I don't get much of a say as to when she comes round, but I suspect it's going to get back to her now though. Since my last post, MIL (who I have a very good relationship with) asked what's been wrong with me today as I've been unusually antisocial, and without meaning to I told her what had happened. She was lovely and gave me a cuddle and said not to upset myself but that was all, she didn't try to take sides at all which I guess is fair enough. I suspect it will get back to SIL at some point though and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. SIL has a habit of taking any kind of critisism very badly, which is partly why I haven't said anything so far. I'll just have to deal with it if it happens, but I almost hope it gets back to her now so that I can have my say, I still feel so cross and hurt. I keep getting flashbacks to when the sonographer said there was no heartbeat.
I've also had "at least you have DD" and "at least you know you can get pregnant" from various sources. A lot of people just don't think.

HeffalumpTheFlump Sat 20-Jul-13 20:02:03

Yanbu sad sad sad so sorry, that must have been a huge blow. I think if it comes up you would be well within your rights to explain that she really hurt you. It doesn't sound like intentional cruelty, but sometimes people need to be told when their thoughtlessness is hurting others.

I hate that people have to make inane comments like those you have said there. Sometimes it would be better for someone to just go "I'm sorry, that's really fucking shit", but unfortunately people always want to fix it in some way.

My thoughts are with you op flowers

CombineBananaFister Sat 20-Jul-13 20:12:04

Can't even begin to imagine what you're going through and am very sorry for your loss.sad It sounds like your SIL is incredibly insensitive and the timing is just awful. If she's not a nasty person though, do you think it was her way of trying to be helpful/positive? Giving you equipment to monitor a pregnancy to put your mind at ease and being positive to assume you will have a sucessfull pregnancy?
Am sure it's the last thing you need right now and YANBU but it sounds like she's lacking in tact but not maybe deliberatly cruel. Tell her though, she probably does need to learn some social rules.

KitNCaboodle Sat 20-Jul-13 20:13:30

I'm sorry for your losses.

We suffered 2 losses last year and the year before- a mc and a 2nd trimester loss. I can't tell you the stupid things we heard and the 'advice' we were given by people. I had to remind myself countless times that they were not being cruel, just tactless and thoughtless. Doesn't ease the pain though does it?

She was being incredibly unreasonable but I would hope, like others have said, that it was her arse about face way of showing some care.

softlysoftly Sat 20-Jul-13 20:24:34

I'm sorry for your loss I've had a mmc and it is gutwrenchingly sad.

I honestly don't actually think she was being cruel though, her reading of timing and social acceptability is shocking but in a messed up way she was probably trying to help.

Her thought process was probably that as it was a mmc next time you could feel some safety in using the home doppler to know all is ok (a fallacy I hate btw think the bloody things should be banned as dangerous). Almost giving you control back, her logic was probably "what can I do to help sil, I know. ..."

Twas a shit idea badly timed but not deliberately cruel and I sometimes think we need to stop and go with the thoughts behind actions rather than the actions themselves, not everyone's brains work the same way.

I'm sorry for your pain x

BloodSweatAndTears Sat 20-Jul-13 20:31:00

Heffalump I do hsve one very close friend sho said almost exactly thst. She always helps me get things in perspective but she's on hols right now. Really missing her right now. I'll give her 5 mins before I ring her when she gets back! !
It was all such s massive shock as I had a 8 week scan because of the ectopic and all looked fine. Still feel like I'm getting used yo not being pregnant any more. Sickness etc pretty much gone now, never ever thought I could miss it. DH has just poured me s glass of wine so phone's going off now.
Thanks for reassurance and letting me vent a bit, I guess it will all be fine in time.

BloodSweatAndTears Sat 20-Jul-13 20:32:04

And sorry for weird spelling. Not used to fancy new phone yet.

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