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To not give a friend a wedding present?

(102 Posts)
milktraylady Mon 08-Jul-13 07:24:31

Been friends with A for 6 years, meet up every month or so with another friend (let's call her friend B).
A is getting married soon. We have heard all about the wedding plans. B and I were hoping for an invite.

Nope- not getting invited!
Saw her last week, 160 people are going its not a sit down meal, so it's not like there isn't space for 2 more chairs/ the expense of 2 more people.

I'm gutted. I really thought we were friends & wanted to share her special day. B & I both like her OH and are really happy for her.

So- am I being unreasonable to not give her a wedding present? She told us she only wants money as they don't have their own place yet & will be moving quite a bit for a year or two, so they don't want lots of 'stuff'. (Which she could store at her parents big house)

I don't think she understands that wedding presents are supposed to set you up in life, not provide you with cash.

Do I send them a congrats card just? Can't bring myself to ever give money for wedding present, vouchers at the most.

Or do I just not bother to arrange to see her again & let the friendship go? (we've been forgotten about quite a bit since the new man came on the scene)

Come on mumsnet tell me what to do! smile

Yonihadtoask Mon 08-Jul-13 07:28:02

I only give a wedding gift if am invited to the wedding.

If I can't make it, for whatever reason, then I may still give a gift.

But if you aren't invited then no. don't bother - particularly as they are wanting cash.

I suppose a card wouldn't be out of order - but a sensitive sort may see that as an act of passive aggression?

JumpingJackSprat Mon 08-Jul-13 07:29:11

Id send a card, definitely no present or cash.

WhatWouldBeyonceDo Mon 08-Jul-13 07:30:08

Hmm did you not even get an evening invite?

I'd send a card, no gift, vouchers or money though.

Then let the friendship go. Sorry but she clearly doesn't value your friendship sad

Corkyandviolet Mon 08-Jul-13 07:30:09

As far as I'm concerned, a present goes hand in hand with an invite. I certainly wouldn't buy her a present or give her money. Either you are included in the celebrations, or you aren't. She's decided that you aren't.

RoooneyMara Mon 08-Jul-13 07:32:25

I don't get presents for people if I'm not invited.

It's kind of as simple as that really. If I'm invited but cannot go, I send a present.

If they don't want me there then frankly that kind of says it all.

CombineBananaFister Mon 08-Jul-13 07:36:11

I'd send a card, just because it's polite and her (inconsiderate?!?) behaviour shouldn't dictate yours if you have your own principles.

Was expecting you to say it was a small budget wedding but if you really all are good friends it does seem a bit odd you wouldn't get invited with 160 going.

Don't know whether I'd let the friendship go though but does sound like it's fizzling out anyway.

brilliantwhite Mon 08-Jul-13 07:39:17

send a card in the post no present though , seems odd you have both been friends with her for a while and she hasnt asked you , do you think she has just forgot or assumed you will be there if she is talking about the wedding with you both .

ViviPru Mon 08-Jul-13 07:40:23

When you were made aware of her gift preferences, was it directly aimed at B and you by way of an instruction or was she just chatting in general about how they're not having a gift list and requesting monetary gifts instead from their guests?

If it's the former then she is being unspeakably rude. To instruct friends who aren't important enough to include in a large celebration to give you a specific gift is completely unacceptable and I would seriously reconsider if I would want to continue the friendship in this case.

Less rude if it is the latter, but still rather insensitive. Just idly chatting away without much consideration for you and B.

Either way, your non-invite does indicate her position on the importance of your friendships to her, so at least you know where you stand and can act accordingly.

Corkyandviolet Mon 08-Jul-13 07:40:40

Has she definitely not invited you, is it possible there's been a breakdown in communication? To have actually told you she wants money from you without inviting you seems incredible! Maybe there's been no formal invite because she has assumed you know that you're coming? I realise I'm clutching at straws here, but this is just really weird of her.

Corkyandviolet Mon 08-Jul-13 07:42:38

Sorry brilliant white - X post!

ENormaSnob Mon 08-Jul-13 07:44:18

Id send a shit card.

She is a rude inconsiderate twerp.

ZillionChocolate Mon 08-Jul-13 07:47:18

Next time she brings up the wedding, after a minute or so I'd say "well I'm sure you'll all have a lovely day"; this sets out your understanding that you're not invited. I'd then change the subject. I think it's rude to talk at length about an event that's of no concern to other people. Wedding planning is quite dull even if you're going!

I'd send her a card but no gift.

pictish Mon 08-Jul-13 07:48:53

If you're not even invited to the evening do, when 160 people are, then she has drawn her line in the sand I think. She doesn't value you.
Of course, she doesn't have to...but that would be the end of any effort on my part. There would certainly be no gift!!

JRmumma Mon 08-Jul-13 07:50:15

To be friends with someone for 6 years and see than on such a regular basis, but not invite them to your wedding seems a bit strange seeing as its so big. But maybe evening invites haven't gone out yet?

If you aren't invited though, no present is necessary. Just out of interest, how do you know her?

VitoCorleone Mon 08-Jul-13 07:51:29

Do not give her money or a gift. How bloody rude of her!

pictish Mon 08-Jul-13 07:51:34

Oh and I totally agree with Zillion.
If she starts any wedding chat, cut her off with a perfunctory "I'm sure you'll all have a wonderful day" - the immediately change the subject.

I'd feel an utter atse sitting there oohing and aahing along with her, knowing I wasn't deemed important enough to invite.

pictish Mon 08-Jul-13 07:52:06


CloudsAndTrees Mon 08-Jul-13 07:53:30

You don't need to buy a present if you're not invited to the wedding. A card would be generous, but I wouldn't blame you for not feeling generous after not being invited.

ilovechips Mon 08-Jul-13 07:55:14

I don't think I'd even send a card tbh, but maybe I'm just bitter!

Chandon Mon 08-Jul-13 07:55:37

Only gift if invited to wedding.

Asking for gifts is beyond cheeky, if no invite!!

milktraylady Mon 08-Jul-13 07:57:13

Phew! You are all saying what I was thinking, but thought I might be being precious.
(Sorry no name checks but am on phone & crap memory)

She was at my house with friend B to see my new baby. (Didn't want to hold baby - odd. Plus was really smug and patronising on all chat about baby. She has no kids so no idea why)

We were of course asking her how the wedding plans were going.
B commented she thought it was awful people asked for money these days.

So A says she had put in the invites money only (ha ha my first thought was what would mumsnet think of that & wondered if there was a crappy poem wink)

We got over that speed bump and chatted more.

Yes I think we were fair weather friends, and for me it's fizzled!

I am sooo cross she was patronising & smug about baby. And pissed off not to get an invite.

It's an afternoon tea thing, finishing at 7pm so no evening invites. It's all or nothing.

MissStrawberry Mon 08-Jul-13 07:58:56

A card definitely unless you are 100% the friendship is over and you aren't bothered about the repercussions of doing that.

I was invited to a neighbour's evening celebration but didn't go. We still gave a gift even though we weren't really friends.

For family or good friends I would always send a gift even if I could 't go to the wedding.

northernlurker Mon 08-Jul-13 08:00:36

160 people invited and you aren't? Yup no gift for her! You realise she's taking you for granted, thinking you'll pay up anyway even though she hasn't prioritised you enough to invite you.

MrsPercyPig Mon 08-Jul-13 08:01:41

She sounds awful and very self indulgent!

Def do not allow her to indulge further by listening to wedding chat.

Agree with others, I don't think she values you the way you do her.hmm

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