Neighbour kid is annoying me! Help!(161 Posts)
We just had new neighbours move in right beside us. The day they started moving in an adorable 9yr old boy walked into my house, introduced himself, proceeded to tell me how we will be seeing a lot of him. I thought it was cute at the time. I didn't even think to say something about it then because he's new and overly excited. I let it slide. (noted that keeping the doors locked would be a good idea incase he's used to just walking in on strangers)
I have a 2yr old boy, 3yr old girl and an 8yr old girl. My two toddlers keep me hopping as it is. We don't have play days everyday because its just too much. Anyways, this new child comes over about 10am the day after. No problem! My oldest girl was delighted to have a friend right next door. I was excited for her as well. Most of the morning was spent perfect. Then lunch time came around and I told him if he wanted to stay he was welcome but had to go home and ask his parents if it was okay. Not two minutes later he was back and his dad asks if I can watch him for a little while they have to run out. Uhhh... What?! You don't even know my name. We have not met before and that's the first thing you ask me? * mind boggled* Being neighbourly I say " sure, that's okay." So he stays for lunch. We continue playing outside. He starts fighting with my three year old daughter over every toy she has. I get that he's a single child but at 9 he should know how to share and not snatch. Yet every time I or my DH caught him he claimed she did it first.
Then dinner time rolled around ( take into consideration that I'm used to parents picking their children up before dinner. It's like an unwritten rule where I live). Parents didn't come over to get him. I tell him that he needs to go home for dinner. He says " My dad said I can stay for dinner too." Umm... Okay, I guess. So we have dinner. By now I'm thinking surely the parents will be calling him to come home. Nope, no such luck. At 7pm I finally shipped him home. Day one is over.
Day 2- ding dong. "Can I come in?" I tell him the girls are outback. It's a beautiful hot day. Not three minutes later he wants back inside the house. I tell him that we are only playing outside today because its so nice out. He pouts, I don't want to play outside blah blah blah. My kids enjoy all the time they can get outside. I stand my ground and ship him back outside. Then the battling with my three year old beings, I watch him take toys away from her and tell my oldest girl that he doesn't want to play with my 3yr old. My daughters are very close and my oldest ALWAYS includes my youngest. She's not happy he's acting like this. Then he starts doing anything to make my youngest cry. I try talking to him but he constantly talks over me while I'm trying to correct him. He argues EVERYTHING! I've even threatened to send him home and it doesn't make a difference. Then my DH and kids went out so I sent him home. Before leaving he spent 5mins arguing DH as to why he should be allow to go too. I'm in the house cleaning about 20 mins later and ding dong. I answer the door and its him. He wants to come in. I explain that I'm home alone and the kids are still out. He proceeds to beg, argue and offer to help me clean. After about two mins of saying No. I finally had to say "Go Home!" My husband pulls into the driveway and isn't even out of the car yet and he's at the car door. My DH tells him that we need to have lunch and will come over to invite him over when we are done. He begs, pleads, argues and wont leave. Finally we have to yet again tell him to go home. He doesn't take no for an answer, constantly arguing and talking over you. It's such strange behaviour for a 9yr old boy! As we are in the kitchen our daughters tell us that he's in the living room window telling her to tell her dad to let him come in. REALLY!? DH goes to the window and it takes three times saying no and to go home before he goes over to his house. After lunch I send my daughter over to invite him back. After all we said we would. Although by now we didn't really want to. He continues to pester my 3yr old every chance he gets and complains about playing outside instead of inside my house. He stayed till dinner and we sent him home. We had a late dinner around 630 so he didn't come back after.
Day 3 - the kids and I go outside in the morning. Not 5mins after he's here. I let him come into the yard to play. He starts asking to go inside. I tell him no, we are spending the day outside. He starts fighting with my three year old again, making her cry, whining and arguing about playing inside my home vrs outside. I'm not exaggerating when I say this kid argues with me about everything!!! The mom yells from her Deck she has something to do and will be back. didnt even ask my permission to leave her son. I may have three kids but that doesn't give people the right to assume I babysit theirs. he starts telling my oldest not to let my youngest onto the trampoline. Finally, I've had enough, my kids had enough... Time to tell him to go home. We go inside just to avoid having to play with him. Not an hour later he's back. I tell him we are busy and won't be able to play for the rest of the day. He whines , begs, keeps asking what we are doing that he can't do too. I keep telling him no, he has to go etc. Bot playing more today. He leaves. 30 mins later ding dong! He's back. Ugh! I tell him " I told you we aren't playing anymore today" .. He demands to know what we are doing that he can't do, he could just watch etc etc... No matter what I say is not getting through to him. Finally I had to say... "Please go home right now". He proceeds to tell me " this sucks!" I shut the door. One hour later ding dong! Really? You have got to be kidding me! Open the door and no one is there. Go to close the door and he jumps out from around the side of my house! "Did I scare you?" mind boggled I tell him that I've already told you we aren't playing anymore today. He now wants to know again what we are doing in our home. I don't feel I owe this child an explanation at all. I just say " we aren't playing everyday all day , we don't have friends over that much.I've already explained this to you. Stop coming back and go home." He pouts, still talking over me. Finally I say goodbye and shut the door. Not two hours later he's back! And says to me " I can't remember did you say all day they can't play." Gezz! I tell him " yes, all day." He says why? I repeat the other conversations. Again he's pouting, arguing, begging and again demanding to want to know what we are Doing that he can't. I said that we needed family time and now I was making dinner and the girls were playing together. Wrong answer! "Playing!? Why can't I join?" I tell him I'm sorry but I already told you we don't have friends over all the time and I've told you numerous times no more today. He begs, talks over me while I'm explaining and finally I just say goodbye and basically have to shut the door in this child's face cause he won't leave until I do! He got the message this time. He didn't come back. Until tomorrow I'm sure :s
I feel bad for him because he's in a new place, new house, new friends but my three year old is constantly being tormented by this boy and my 8yr old doesn't like that he's not nice to her sister. I have no idea what to do! I would appreciate any advice! Talking to him doesn't do a thing. I thought about talking to his parents but its only been three days. I'm scared to make enemies with the neighbours. After telling my husband all this he wants to go over and tell the parents he doesn't want their child at our house anymore. I don't know what to do. Thought I'd write here and maybe someone would have advice for me. Help please!
Try these words 'No, do not argue with me, this is my house, you need to go home'. Or maybe just go and get his arents to get him.
I really do not see myself ever being dictated to by some random 9 year old in my own home, or anywhere eles for that matter.
Not your problem. The happiness of your little girls IS your concern, however.
I'd let his parents know that he is not welcome at your home and is harassing you and your family. If it doesn't stop, involve social services.
Clearly I meant Parents. I have no clue what arents are.
And bugger this "I'm scared to make enemies of the neighbours" stuff. He's bullying your tiny little girl, who's barely out of babyhood. You need to be a bitch-tits about this right now.
Tell parents ground rules and expectations and do it today
Do not try to be nice and accommodating, be firm
I'd approach the parents and say really casually that he keeps coming round as if you think they don't know and you're filling them in. Follow with we don't have visitors much, I'll send dd round to get him if its ever suitable. Big smile, walk away.
Do not engage. Say no firmly, close door. I also think it's worth talking to the parents - nip the liberty-taking in the bud right now.
id love to know where they have moved from- its clearly a magical land where every body is safe, and has no commitments so everyone just offers free babysitting.
You do need to talk to the parents, because part of this is about them as well. I mean, putting aside the fact that they've not instilled decent social boundaries in him, they've sent him over to yours, and GONE OUT, twice in two days? Without asking you, or introducing themselves?
You can approach it nicely - hi, thought I'd introduce myself so you know your son was in good hands the other day BUT... and then just tell them. It's completely and utterly ridiculous.
Thank you all for your replies! I appreciate all your advice. I agree my daughter is my priority and I wouldn't let anyone or anything hurt her. I'm just confused by this child, parents and situation. I've never dealt with anything like this before. I'm not good with confrontations. I think I'll let DH tackle the parent chat. You all made me feel much better.
Lol magical land! DH and I discussed that the first day they left him with us. Not knowing our names or anything! We live in a small town but that doesn't mean we couldn't be horrible people. Of course we aren't but that's besides the point. They come from the city and its amazing to me that they wouldn't be more protective.
I agree with Tortoise. It's awkward but I don't see a way out of this without things getting a whole lot worse. The longer you leave it, the harder it will get.
The parents must be very odd. Please let us know the outcome of your husband's visit <nosy>
I'm wondering, given that his behaviour is so unusual, whether he has some kind of social communication disorder.
However, even if this were the case, you have the absolute right to decide the limits of contact with him.
I feel a bit sorry for him, as you do, but his parents are taking the piss.
He does sound annoying, but I am sure that as soon as he makes some new friends locally he won't be so demanding of your time. I feel a little sorry for him, he sounds lonely. However you don't actually have to engage with him, or give him reasons, just say you can't play right now.
I would march him back to his house and tell the parent what you have said on here. He harasses your 3 year old, he argues with adults and refuses to leave. You will not tolerate a child behaving like this in your home and because you don't know him, you also aren't comfortable disciplining him. Suggest you try again in a few months after he's had a chance to settle in.
I know a child who has bothered neighbours for years, wandering the streets, inviting themsleves in for food. I'd class this child as suffering from neglect ( services have been involved afaik)
We had similar for a while with a new neighbour dd1 brought home from the park (she brings stray children home more often than she brings stray jack russels home)
There was one day where she arrived on the morning and did not go home until 9pm the next day.
Once she started the local school and made some new friends in the area it calmed down. We don't see much of her now.
Hmmmm tough one, I used to want to be anywhere but home as my home life was so awful, but even I'm sure I wasn't that persistent.
I would just be blunt with him, I'm sorry you upset my daughter despite being told not too and you talk over me,I'm not prepared to have you over at all, I'd try and scope out home life to be fair too, you don't knowif you going round would cause more issues for him, thinking back if someone had of visited my parents with a similar statement I would have been beaten black and blue, for no doubt ruining my dads chances of watching the footy uninterrupted.
You need to talk to his parents and let them know this is not on. From the sounds of it, he probably exhausts them too and they've found a convenient (for them) solution ... "why don't you go and play with the kids next door?"
Time to get tough. Tell him that he can only come and play if he plays nicely, and any sign of being mean to your DD and you send him home. And follow through.
If he argues back tell him he's nasty to your daughter so not welcome to play.
Obviously a difficult spot to be in, as no-one wants to create difficulties with new neighbours however ......
Whilst there could be many reasons for the behaviours, none of them are your responsibility to deal with, and your own family life and values take absolute priority. I think a tactful word from your DH to the neighbours is sound, but I would keep it as non-critical as possible ......i.e three children are difficult enough to manage, and therefore we rarely like to have additions.
However, in direct contact with the child, it would seem you have to suspend the normal rules of interaction, and stop being polite. Open the door, don't even wait for the question before saying "No" ,and closing it!
As a previous poster has said, as soon as you engage in any way you are seemingly giving a green light in the child's mind. I have a DD with ASD and although I would never have allowed such behaviour, I can see a situation where she would have found any engagement as a conversation which was OK to continue - because she did not understand the mixed signals which politeness can often give.
Don't be tempted to give an inch, though, because in this sort of situation it will probably just start the whole process off again. Rightly or wrongly, he needs to not see the inside of your house (or garden!) again.
At 9 he is old enough not to argue back. Tell him no, don't give a reason. Just say you said no and that's the answer. If he tries to argue say he will not be welcome for the next 24 hours unless he stops arguing. Then do it.
It's up to you whether you want to try and teach him how to share and play with your dcs, but you will actually have to get in there and model the behaviour. Every time he does/says something you don't like, you have to stop him, and say noX, here we would ...
It's exhausting, and not your job, but if you want him to play with your dd's you need to teach him your rules.
It sounds like the parents basically ignore him, so you have effectively just gained a new son, congratulations! How much you want to take on is your dexcision, but decide now and be consistent, e.g half a day each day etc. you don't have to accept this, but I suspect you will find him playing outside alone, looking mournfully at your house.
Any other kids you can introduce him to? Share him around a little?
Wow! Agree with everyone here - you need to set ground rules ASAP. It will be much harder to do once this behaviour is the 'norm'. The parents are being arses by the way - they haven't checked whether its bothering you (and let's face it, someone you don't know permanently in your house is going to be annoying even if they were delightful). You are going to have to push back.
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