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to be unhappy that H gave up his job?

(117 Posts)
Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 20:12:42

Very long story Will keep it short as possible. He is in his second week of no job. I knew he hated his job but never in a million years did i think he would just give a weeks notice. One Friday he said, during a disagreement about something else, that he might hand his notice in on the Monday. I did go a bit berserk. Worried mostly that he won't get another job, mortgage etc. Made it clear i wasn't happy. Sunday spoke about it again, again made it clear. Didn't actually say 'DO NOT DO IT' Monday he text me to say he gave a weeks notice. So now he has been out of work for just over a week.

He has some savings so no immediate financial worry. He has blood pressure problems and was finding work very stressful (but he finds most things stressful....) but actually did nothing to try to help this - more exercise/relaxation time.

I really struggled to come to terms with him just giving up a decent wage. I have tried to 'get past my negativity' and was doing a half decent job of it. We absolutely cannot manage on my wage alone. I have kept my very elderly horse for 20yrs through very hard times (financially) and can't imagine how i Will feel if this unemployment affects that (only possibility if i can no longer care for him is put to sleep)

Last week - first week of no work, i tried and succeeded to some extent, to be supportive. But, i have got home both yesterday and today, after long busy and unpleasant days at work i(i work with homeless people) to find him chirpy, full of it, and having done sod all. Last nights washing up still to be done before i cook. No housework done and constant 'what's wrong?' i don't want to say what's wrong because i thought i would give him a couple of weeks 'off' before starting the new job campaign. For 6 months he has spoken about work to me every night for at least 45 minutes, often more and i have listened. He hasn't listened to me as he has been preoccupied with his own shitty situation. But he can't expect me to be suddenly thrilled after a hard day at work. My job can be challenging to say the least.

We've only been married two months but together 11yrs. I feel let down.

Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 20:14:38

Sorry just to add, i have worked one two or three jobs since i was at school. He has spent several years unemployed (when he lived with parents) and not even trying to find work.

MrsHuxtable Tue 02-Jul-13 20:16:48

Are there any children involved?

minibmw2010 Tue 02-Jul-13 20:18:43

When he asks 'what's wrong' tell him !!! He's not on holiday. There's no reason whatsoever he should get a 'let' from doing the housework. Tell him to get on with it. If you let him relax now he'll be out of work again for years (hopefully not though). Good luck!

SaucyJack Tue 02-Jul-13 20:19:49

Life is more about earning a decent wage tho.

If his old job has being making him seriously miserable to the point that he was becoming physically ill, then I don't think he was BU unreasonable to put his own wellbeing above your horse's.

Tho I can see exactly why you may be peeved at first.

CailinDana Tue 02-Jul-13 20:20:05

Feck being "supportive". Why on earth did you cook if you'd been at work all day while he sat on his arse? In your situation i would expect to come home to a pristine house and a freshly cooked dinner. You need to have a serious talk.

Bowlersarm Tue 02-Jul-13 20:20:21

I think you do need to speak to him about what you expect of him, otherwise you'll resent him and it will drive a wedge between you.

Is there room for compromise anywhere? Ie he takes a week/10 days off before looking for a job in earnest but you expect not to come home to a tip? Or whatever is important to you. I think you need to talk though.

LineRunner Tue 02-Jul-13 20:21:12

Oh dear god. You just got married and he's packed in his job and won't do housework?

I'm not surprised you're unhappy.

Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 20:24:43

Its not his welfare before the horses. He could have looked for work before he got to crisis poin but didn't. I have done plenty of rubbish jobs so that i could look after the horse, yet he couldn't do his to be able to pay the mortgage.

I know i need to tell him but feel so overwhelmed that i feel like i am not capable of a reasonable conversation. Thank you for replies. I don't mind the cooking but kind of expect the washing up to be done.

tupuedes Tue 02-Jul-13 20:29:13

Was undecided until your 2nd post, he sounds like a lazy twat, he should have found a new job before quitting the one he had. It takes a certain mentality to sit around being a waster for years without looking for a job, tbh I'm not sure I could put up with someone capable of that.

Finola1step Tue 02-Jul-13 20:31:56

So he's at home today. You are at work all day. You come home and still do house stuff, cook an evening meal? WTF?

Did he have a newborn to look after? Was he laid up in bed with flu, d&v, or such like? Thought not.

Bang out of order. The above though is only a symptom I think. The big thing here is that he has made such a massive decision without fully consulting you. YANBU and I would tell him that the new job search starts now.

sanam2010 Tue 02-Jul-13 20:34:31

In general, of course it's something he should have discussed with you as a partner. But i also think you should try to relax a bit and be supportive of his decision.
Since you can't survive on your wage alone, I am sure he knows he has to get a job again. What he did sounds like he may have had a nervous breakdown. I was very close to one at one point and also had a voice in my head telling me to quit my job NOW and not tomorrow. I remember txting my husband that I would quit today and I was going crazy. He told me to think it over a few days and it was impossible. I have another friend who had a nervous breakdown and it was exactly the same, she suddenly felt she was going insane and her head was going to explode and the only way to save her sanity was to call in sick and never go back to that job - she happened to see a counsellor and she correctly identified it as a nervous breakdown / burnout.

I am not saying you should spend months working hard and then come home and make dinner, but maybe acknowledge that it is a big relief for him to get out, maybe even celebrate, order takeaway if you don't feel like cooking, and after a couple
of days say let's sit down and talk over how this is going to work and what his plans are going forward. Also try to find out if he needs professional help.

Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 20:34:56

Sorry no children although i came off depo d jab last year - after much discussion, i thought we should wait a bit, he thought we should crack on.

I too wondered about him not being armed to get a job but then he tried and got one quick, couple of years later tried again and changed jobs etc. And now we have a mortgage!

Roshbegosh Tue 02-Jul-13 20:35:35

You will never forgive him if the horse has to go. Don't do it. Get rid of him before the horse.

YouTheCat Tue 02-Jul-13 20:37:47

You need to have a serious chat. Fine he didn't like his job but you can't live on fresh air.

Tell him you expect him to do the lion's share of the housework and cooking while he is out of work.

I'd also get back on the contraception before it's too late.

Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 20:38:38

Sanam i think there is an element of that here, but i feel enormously let down that he didn't even try to get a new job despite it being crap for 6+months. And i am trying, really trying, not to be bloody grumpy. Obviously not working too well or i wouldn't get the incessant 'what's wrong' but that only serves to miss me off more!

nenevomito Tue 02-Jul-13 20:40:06

People who have had nervous breakdowns aren't chipper at home.

Don't clean up and cook tea when you get home as the very least he should be doing is some basics around the house.

I'd kill my DH if he quit a job without thinking it through properly and stick the final nails in the coffin if he did it and then did cock all around the house.

Support is meant to work both ways, not just you.

Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 20:42:15

Roshbegosh - thank you. I didn't think anyone would understand. I Will be devastated when the horse goes, he can't support himself, but i can until his time comes. assuming H has a job. If the horse has to go because of H not working, well i don't think i could ever get past that.

Helpyourself Tue 02-Jul-13 20:50:53

Settings got to give go and it's not the horse.
Do not get pregnant by this man.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 02-Jul-13 20:51:25

You are putting your horse before your husband.

You need to sit down and talk to him about his new job plan. Is his CV up to date, has he even identified where to start looking for a new job.

I would give him a list of jobs that have to be done each day, it would be the easiest way with my husband. Yes, I know you shouldn't have to treat him like a child, but sometimes men need a lick up the backside to see the obvious.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 02-Jul-13 20:52:16

Not lick! He definitely isn't in with a chance of that right now. I meant kick!


Helpyourself Tue 02-Jul-13 20:52:37

Something's got to go, that should read...
It's not the jacking in his job on its own, but the fact that he's coasted before and is doing fuck all at home while you're working.

MrsDeVere Tue 02-Jul-13 20:58:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 21:01:26

Please don't get hung up on the horse, it IS a big factor but the mortgage, the potential child, the relationship? If i had no horse i would still be livid.

Cloudandtrees - THANKS for the giggle!

Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 21:03:28

Thank you mrsdevere. I have previously been crippled with depression but i was responsible for the horse then and paying his way kept me at work. Despite the tears and unending gloom.

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