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AIBU to think he should cancel his weekend away ?

(38 Posts)
poshfrock Mon 01-Jul-13 11:42:40

DH and I are having a tough time financially. Mainly due to house move last year which means cost of living has risen by £500 per month ( increased mortgage, council tax etc) and his recent change in work shifts means he can no longer car share so fuel costs for his commute have doubled to about £400 per month.
I have been worrying about money recently and it culminated in him sending me a text this morning suggesting that we cancel the family holiday. Holiday cost £1500 and is paid for but we will still have to find spending money and travel costs which will mainly come from our usual fuel/food and spending money with a bit from savings. This is our only holiday and we all look forward to it so much each year. We used to have one big holiday and two shorter ones but knew that when we moved house the shorter ones would have to go and perhaps the bigger one too. We accepted that as part of the deal because of the benefits of moving to a bigger house, nicer area etc.
I think that cancelling the holiday may be sensible. We won't get the full amount back and will probably lose the deposit of £300.
However, DH has a lads' weekend booked for later in the year which he is refusing to cancel. His reasoning is that the weekend only costs £60 which would be true ( 5 of them going to rental cottage - cost £300) except that the holiday has been booked with our credit card in DH's name and although all the other 4 members of the party have paid DH they all gave him cash, which he has spent, so when the charge hits our card next month we will be bearing the full cost. In addition he "needs" £400 spending money ( based on the same trip last year). So all together this trip will cost us £700. He says he can't cancel because the booking is in his name and he is the designated driver ( he has the biggest car). I say pay the £25 admin fee to get the named changed and the others will have to cough up an extra £15 each to cover the fact that DH is not there.
I don't think it's fair that me and the kids miss out on a holiday while DH still gets to go away.
We both work full-time and earn the same to within a couple of thousand of each other. Our finances are arranged so we have a joint account for bills and family costs ( food, kids' activities etc) and then an equal amount each month for personal spending. If he had saved enough from his spending money to go ( as was the plan) then I would mind less but the credit card is paid from joint funds so it feels unfair that he is using family money for a lads' trip and the family are missing out.
AIBU to think he should cancel ?

LizaRose Mon 01-Jul-13 11:46:45

If he cancels he won't get back the £240 he spent, will he? That will still have to come off the card.

CarolBornAMan Mon 01-Jul-13 11:52:54

why is the credit card paid from joint funds when this is clearly a "him only" expense and in fact he has spent the money that he should have used to pay it off - I would more livid about that as he is in effect getting you to sub him here when you clearly dont have the funds.

I would be OK with it if he paid entirely from hos own funds .. but first he needs to pay you back.. and then you need a plan for some time off yourself if the family holiday is not going to happen

YellowDinosaur Mon 01-Jul-13 12:00:52

He shouldn't have to cancel his weekend away as it should be paid from his personal money given that it isn't a family expense. It is entirely separate from your holiday and whether you can afford to go or not.

The issue you have is him thinking your family money should pay the 300 on the credit card when he has spent the 240 from his friends on himself and also that he is expecting 400 spending money from your joint account when it is not a joint expense.

Is he like this for other personal expenses too and is this why you can't afford your family holiday?

Dh and I have similar financial arrangements and if I had fucked up like your dh had about my own weekend away I'd be expecting to sort it out myself.

YellowDinosaur Mon 01-Jul-13 12:03:40

To be clear, regarding his weekend away, if he can't finance this from his own personal money he can't go. End of.

adeucalione Mon 01-Jul-13 12:04:52

I think he was selfish to book the lads' weekend away if you are struggling financially, but - assuming that he booked it when you were more financially secure and you didn't object at the time - I think you should allow him to go ahead.

First of all, it really is only costing £60 if he has already spent the £240 that the others gave him to pay off the credit card.

Secondly, he should make a big effort to spend less than £400 this year - given your changed circumstances - and make personal cut backs to get this money together.

Thirdly, it would be embarrassing for him to tell his friends that he can't afford it, so I can understand why he is reluctant.

But I don't think that he should see this as an annual trip and the family holiday must take precedence next year.

adeucalione Mon 01-Jul-13 12:07:32

All of this is assuming that you use a joint account for all expenses, regardless of who they benefit, as me and DH do.

If you have separate accounts, as others have assumed, then yes of course he should be sorting out any shortfall himself and whether you can afford the family holiday or not is an entirely separate issue.

Dackyduddles Mon 01-Jul-13 12:19:22

If your circs had changed so dramatically from house purchase then truthfully the lads holiday should have gone out the window too.

Fail to see why he goes away if family cannot. Bad enough for you but explain it to dcs! Yeah daddy needs a boozy trip with mates?! Wtf?

He's not 18. He must grow up.

samandi Mon 01-Jul-13 12:30:28

So all together this trip will cost us £700.

No, the trip will cost £460 (presuming he spends £400). He has spent the other £240 on other stuff.

I would be extremely reluctant to cancel a family holiday, especially if it is paid for.

gymboywalton Mon 01-Jul-13 12:33:07

do NOT cancel the family holiday-that is madness!! you won't get your money back and you will resent him forever!!

PopiusTartius Mon 01-Jul-13 12:35:53

I wouldn't cancel the family holiday and still go away on a weekend with my mates, absolutely not. When family money is tight, stuff that only benefits one member of the family gets demoted under stuff that benefits everyone. No question.

BackforGood Mon 01-Jul-13 12:38:55

Does seem a daft way to go about economising to book things then cancel them - either of them, as you will be losing out either way. I'd be inclined to carry on with that which is already booked and paid for, go easy on the spending while you are there - how can anyone need £400 for spending money for a weekend? shock then get your budgets sorted from there on in. By cancelling either or both, you are going to resent not having something you are looking forwards to, and you are going to lose the money you've already paid out. Doesn't make sense to me.

Bramblesinforrin Mon 01-Jul-13 12:41:55

He needs to be up front about why he 'needs' £400 spending money for a lads weekend away. That could go a long way towards your family hol. He will have to cut his cloth accordingly and bail out of some planned activities so reduce the spend - or whatever he can afford from his personal money. If the accom is only £60 each and the transport costs are shared it should be less of a financial burden.

Hopefully if he takes a fresh look at this, the family holiday may be back on the table.

Can you look at how you could reduce costs on the family holiday ? When we're on more of a budget we shop at the local supermarket on holiday rather than eating out, etc.

poshfrock Mon 01-Jul-13 12:52:52

We have two joint accounts - one for bills that he has no access to, basically my salary goes in and then all bills paid by direct debit. Usually less than £5 in there at month end. Unfortunate that British Gas sent bill last week and want to double direct debit from £90 to £180 so we already have a shortfall there of £85. The other joint account is funded by his salary. We each have a set amount from this account paid into our personal spending accounts to cover fuel and spending money. He gets more for fuel as commute is much longer but amount for spending is the same. The balance on this account is then used for food, meals out kids' clothes, activities etc and for paying credit card. His plan was to put the £400 spending money on credit card.
Last year for this trip he took £300 ( which he had saved) but on first day filled up car from joint a/c at a cost of £85. His friends repaid the money ( he drives they pay) but as it was in cash he spent it all over weekend so effectively spent £385. Hence this year he wants a budget of £400.

poshfrock Mon 01-Jul-13 12:56:28

Brambles we always self-cater on holiday. Maybe eat out once in two weeks as it's usually my birthday whilst we are away. Fuel and food are always our biggest costs on holiday. And we shop in local shops.

badguider Mon 01-Jul-13 12:59:30

I don't think you should cancel either thing as both are already part paid - but I do think both should go ahead with a very strict budget.

He can survive this weekend on £200 i'm sure... what is he buying? just food and drink?

And you can holiday for not more than your usual food bill for the week if you're really careful.

poshfrock Mon 01-Jul-13 13:00:28

Funds that would have gone on saving for holidays ( his and family) have been eaten up by his increased commuting costs and now this increase in gas/elect bill. That's £285 per month we suddenly have to find just so he can get to work and we can use gas /elect.

YellowDinosaur Mon 01-Jul-13 13:02:49

So to clarify, you each have the same amount of spending money each month but he thinks his spending money for the lads weekend should be on top of this? At a time when money is so tight he thinks you should cancel the family holiday?

Why does he think this is reasonable?

poshfrock Mon 01-Jul-13 13:06:58

We eat the same on holiday as at home. We meal plan and make lists and everything. We take condiments with us so we don't end up doubling up on stuff that we already have. We make picnics to take out with us for the day. We don't go into cafes or bars or buy ice creams. Our weekly food bill for 5 of us ( incl packed lunches) is about £100. We always struggle to do it for this on holiday as there are always extras and food seems to be more expensive. We usually go to France but this year we are going to Germany which I'm guessing will not be cheap.

ENormaSnob Mon 01-Jul-13 13:08:17

He taking the piss.

He wants to cancel the family holiday yet is happy to spend £460 on his own weekend away hmm

Is he always so selfish?

Personally i would look at how the accounts are managed, it seems balanced in his favour.

poshfrock Mon 01-Jul-13 13:08:34

Yellow yes exactly.
He says it is "too late" to cancel his holiday even though we are due to go in 6 weeks and he is not going until September.

Bramblesinforrin Mon 01-Jul-13 13:09:00

Thanks, posh frock. And yes, echoing what yellow says ^

flowery Mon 01-Jul-13 13:10:55

If you'll have to physically find £460 to fund his trip and the same amount would enable you to go on the family holiday, then of course he should cancel.

Presumably if you eat the same as when you're at home while you're on holiday, you could manage with very little extra and £460 spending money would enable you to go?

JackieTheFart Mon 01-Jul-13 13:16:29

I am gobsmacked that £400 for a weekend away is deemed as acceptable.

How on earth does he spend that much? £400 for all of them, yes, but for one?

I don't know what to say. Apart from I would expect my DH to tear me a new one if I behaved like that, as I would with him.

dreamingbohemian Mon 01-Jul-13 13:24:09

You may actually find it cheaper in Germany than France, at least for food.

But would it be possible to downsize the family holiday at all -- perhaps cancel and stay in the UK? or go to Ireland? at least to save on travel costs. But I imagine if you have to pay the deposit no matter what, it might not work out cheaper.

I do agree he should cancel, especially as the money for his trip is coming out of family money and not his savings. If it really only cost £100 or so, then maybe not, but £500 is a lot of money.

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