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To think this does NOT make me the wicked stepmother?

(39 Posts)
HayFear Fri 21-Jun-13 16:10:41

Two stepsons (17 and 16) stay with us every saturday night. We've lived in this house literally a week today meaning they have so far spent one night here (and that weekend my two kids were at their dads house meaning it was just the two DSSs here). It went great. No problems.

Tomorrow, my kids will also be here meaning there will be 4 teenagers in the house, two with special needs (his DS2 has autism and my youngest DS has ADHD). I'm stressing slightly just thinking about it but I know we'll cope.

Then, DSS1 (17) text his father asking if his girlfriend can stay with us Saturday night too shock. My argument was no because:

He shares a room with his younger brother
We'd have to pay for her to come to the cinema with us (at a time when we're really trying to cut back on spending)
The house is already going to be full of people.

DP was not happy and said the youngest lad could sleep in the dining room. How is that even fair?? we specifically bought a 4 bedroomed house so that his kids could have their own room and nobody would be made to sleep in the dining room yet all of a sudden the one lad that needs his own space due to disability is chucked out of the room to make way for the eldest's girlfriend?? Anyway DP made it clear that he'd say no but his DS would know it was me being awkward as he knows his old man would do anything for him hmm

The lad then text back saying "ok, maybe not sleep over but can she come to cinema with us and then you take her home?"
She lives over 25 miles away!! so that would mean DP driving 25 miles to pick her up, back 25 miles to take her to the cinema with us, back again 25 miles to drop her back at home and then back 25 miles to get home himself??? I was diplomatic but more or less said the suggestion was a piss-take. He reluctantly text his son "no can do, sorry mate" and turned to me saying he wasn't going to keep saying no to keep me happy and at some point I'd have to accept that his son has a girlfriend that we need to encorporate into our weekends. We're struggling for money as it is and he see's his kids ONCE a week - would it really hurt the lad to be away from his girlfriend for the one night a week he's with his dad?

The lads own mother refuses to do it!! Am I being the wicked stepmother?

burberryqueen Fri 21-Jun-13 16:12:38

no you are not being the WS it is not reasonable this weekend, tell him perhaps another time

I don't really understand why a 17 year old lad would want to go out with his stepmum and dad with his girlfriend - shouldn't they be going off doing their own thing anyway.


Goldmandra Fri 21-Jun-13 16:15:53

YANBU to not want to fund a 100 mile trip to bring her to the cinema.

Why not tell him that she is welcome to join you at the cinema but will need to make her own way there and back?

DamnBamboo Fri 21-Jun-13 16:16:51

You would be unreasonable if she was never allowed to join in family activities. If this is the first time and won't be your default response all the time, then it's just one of those things.

What's wrong with a 17 year old wanting to go out with his stepmum and dad not least because they're paying I used to go out with my parents at that age, not a big deal.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 21-Jun-13 16:17:20

If your DP would have been willing to take her to the cinema and then drive her home and you said no for no real reason, YABU. If his son only asked if she could be taken home, maybe she could get a lift over before the cinema?

McBalls Fri 21-Jun-13 16:17:25

I would absolutely feel the same way as you but your Dh doesnt and I don't understand why what you say goes. Why do you get to decide that he can't run around after his son if that's what he wants to do?

Nothing wrong with it at all Damn but I just remember when I was 17 I would not have wanted to go to the cinema with my current boyfriend and parents!

McBalls Fri 21-Jun-13 16:19:15

Oh...and nothing difficult to understand about a 17yo actually wanting to spend time with his family. Shame anyone would think that strange.

pumpkinsweetie Fri 21-Jun-13 16:19:35

Find it odd why a 17yo wants to tag along at cinema with family rather than be off taking his gf out by himself confused! But on the note of him having gf over to stay, i wouldn't be happy either that he had a gf in, in my sons bedroom & turfing your ds out isn't an option either.

ArtexMonkey Fri 21-Jun-13 16:21:59

I'd put the gf in the dining room, keep it oldskool.

ArtexMonkey Fri 21-Jun-13 16:22:20

But not this weekend.

HayFear Fri 21-Jun-13 16:25:24

I don't get to decide and I made it clear to DP that the decision was his but I wasn't happy about it. If he'd chosen to go ahead anyway fair enough. He didn't - but he's still making me feel guilty about it.

I've said everyone now and again, fair enough - but on a weekend when the house is already full of people is not ideal and I certainly don't agree with trailing around 100 miles for a cinema trip. It's my money too - so I do feel I should have some say in this. We're already in and out of the over-draft and almost a grand in debt on a credit card.

Another thing is the bedroom issue - I don't want DSS2 chucked out of his room. It's not fair. So DP suggested that DSS1 and the girlfriend sleep in the dining room instead. We have to walk through the dining room to get to the kitchen so that would really mean that once they go to bed, the rest of us can't use the kitchen and they don't get up until 12pm on a Sunday - so how are the rest of us supposed to use the kitchen on Sunday morning without feeling rather awkward?

HayFear Fri 21-Jun-13 16:33:10

Another suggestion he had was the let the two teenagers have my son's bedroom when he's at his dads. Two teens shagging in my lads bedroom? no thanks. Hardly fair.

Another question this raises is - if it's going to work out that his two are no longer sharing the bedroom (if one is going to be sleeping in the dining room) - is it still fair for them to have the largest bedroom whilst my two have the smallest bedrooms?

StuntGirl Fri 21-Jun-13 16:33:28

It would be a no from me too, especially on the money front.

Now you know your step son wants to include his girlfriend in future family activities you can prepare, by either having them less frequently and giving you more time to save, or by doing different, cheaper activities. Let's face it, Saturday night at the cinema ain't cheap.

She wouldn't be able to stay over either as logistically there is no space for her. Alternatively, they could stay in the living room or whatever, and I would have no qualms whatsoever waking them up at whatever time I got up at. But I'm happily brutal over such matters.

Serious words need to be had with your husband over his shitty attitude towards you too.

StuntGirl Fri 21-Jun-13 16:34:47

Hang on a minute, x-post. I think I remember your previous thread. Your husband has form for being a twat over this doesn't he?

HayFear Fri 21-Jun-13 16:36:38

I know what's going on, he's frightened that his eldest will say "well actually dad, I've decided I'd quite like to spend Saturday nights with my girlfriend now." which - at 17 he's bound to do sooner or later anyway so what until then? we bend over backwards to keep him sweet and bollocks to anyone else including DSS2?

SquinkiesRule Fri 21-Jun-13 16:37:30

Oh hell no, I remember the other posts, can't believe you actually moved in with him.

StuntGirl Fri 21-Jun-13 16:39:10

Bollocks to all of it love. You're the only one trying to keep things fair and normal for these kids.

tootdelafruit Fri 21-Jun-13 16:41:41

he thinks 100 miles in one night to collect someone else's girlfriend and then pay for her cinema (and snacks too??) is ok? i'd have left him to it but made it clear the money wouldn't be coming from family money. the DS and girlfriend should be paying for it or making their own arrangements. that is a pisstake.

nenevomito Fri 21-Jun-13 16:45:38

I'd have them sleeping in the living room, even if you have to go through it to get to the kitchen. They won't stay in bed till 12pm if they have people going back and forth every 5 mins., trust me on that one as our sofabed has the same problem!

LazyMonkeyButler Fri 21-Jun-13 16:49:27

Get a tent? hmm

Seriously, YANBU. Does DP have resentment that your DSs each have their own room whilst his have to share? I assume though, that is because your home is your DSs main residence, whilst the DSSs mostly live elsewhere & visit your home?

If you have to walk through the dining room to use the kitchen it doesn't seem ideal that anyone should sleep there really. Certainly not shagging teens - what if a younger DS needed a drink in the night? blush

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 21-Jun-13 16:49:33

re the dining room - you just use it.

There's no need to feel awkward. Get up, as normal, carry on family life around them. Or tell them to get up now cos everyone's up and about!

It's as big a deal as you want to make it.

You could have said yes, she can come, but she sleeps in the dining room alone? Or just fine, you two in the dining room, no problem. But we won't tiptoe round you so don't moan! Could have said ok, fine, but we're strapped for cash so she'll have to bring her own ticket and snack money because if she doesn't, we'll have to cancel the cinema. Could have said fine, she can come too, but we'll have to do the cinema some other time, we'll hire a dvd and buy some popcorn instead...

You can either see problems or you can see solutions. It seems like you were determined to see problems. From outside the situation, they were easily solvable and not a big deal. But I recognise that from inside the situation, there's always a load of other stuff going on that makes things like this seem important. And it just feels like maybe how you feel about this is a symptom of some issue not the actual issue? I may be a million miles off, if so, sorry.

HoneyStepMummy Fri 21-Jun-13 16:51:26

The simple solution would be to have the GF sleep in the dining room/living room and the other kids sleep where they usually do. If she wants to go to the cinema then she can bring her own spending money.
I don't think allowing your stepkids to bring friends or girlfriends over is unreasonable, but I don't think it's setting a good example for the other kids to allow them to share a room. If she really is starting to become one of the family then you all need to agree on some ground rules.

That part is simple. What I'm going to say next you won't like. Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but I believe that you have posted several other threads describing the issues you and DP were having prior to moving in. The two of you seem to have real problems with communication. The issue isn't that you're a 'mean stepmother', it's that he has no regard what so ever for your feelings. The issue with the GF came up before you moved in together when DP dropped your plans in order to give DS a ride to her place or something. Why on earth wasn't this discussed (other than on MN) before moving in together?? You knew there was a problem, and instead of resolving it or rethinking moving in together you are back at square one.

Dackyduddles Fri 21-Jun-13 16:57:29

Surely you just use the kitchen and they get up if want? Tough isn't it? They can suck it up. Sure wont kill em do long as bacon sarnies in offing.....

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