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To be shocked & upst over dd bday party (that has not even happened yet)

(26 Posts)
Lindalucky Sat 15-Jun-13 22:32:23

My dd is 4 next week. She really wanted a part so we eventually agreed.

We booked the venue and she invited the children from her pre school class.

I cant believe the number of parents that have just not replied. I don't mind them not coming but NO acknowledgement at all.

Today my dd ran into one of the kids she had invited who had not replied, so I asked the mother if she was coming. She said she didn't know - I explained that I needed to know for number and she said ok I'll text u later - then nothing. How bad mannered is that? I feel really upset at the rudeness

I am also rather annoyed with the nursery. (This is a very expensive private nursery - and we have never asked them for anything or complained about anything. Compared to what I see there we are very undemanding easy going parents. and I feel the staff have not responded to our request as we are usually relaxed). Before anyone says, I realise the staff are not there to party plan and I would not expect staff at a state nursery to do this; but at this nursery it does seem the norm for staff to get involved with initiation & parties

Firstly for not pointing out to me when I first took the invites in that another child in the class had already given out invitations for a party on the same day. Secondly not giving out several of my dd's invitations until weeks after they had them and when I expressed my concern at the lack of replies they appear not to have bothered mentioning it to the parents as I requested.

I wish I had never agreed to the party. I now have only about 9 children going to the party (including mine) - really not great- I've managed to organise a wedding, christenings and even funerals without getting so worked up and upset.

HollyBerryBush Sat 15-Jun-13 22:39:10

Firstly - it is not the staffs premis to tell you about events happening in another childs life - party or not - that would come under child protection issues - and you know that be it sate of private nursery.

It is your job to organise distribution of invitations - for future reference and effective way to do this is the address the envelope with the name and stamp it, buy the secretary a box of chocolates and ask if she would be kind enough to put the full address on and stick in the post for you.

You learn to navigate these minefields. (a) the most popular mum will have the highest attendance (b) or the most popular party event.

redskyatnight Sat 15-Jun-13 22:43:37

If you don't know the parents (sounds like don't) I think pre-school parties are a bit hit and miss. At this age parents tend to like their children to go to parties where they know their parents. I think it was reasonable to ask the staff to give out invitations if that is the norm, but not to point out party clashes. or chase up - that's your job.

Too late now, but to learn for next time - don't send out invites weeks in advance - 2 or 3 is ample. And always put on a RSVP date - then at least if you don't get replies you can assume they "aren't coming". I've never posted party invites to home addresses and would think it odd if I got one that way.

9 children + DD is plenty for a 4 year old party btw!

Ilovefluffysheep Sat 15-Jun-13 22:44:30

Jeez - really? It's not the nurserys job to do your party planning for you no matter how much you pay them!

Littlefish Sat 15-Jun-13 22:45:15

Don't get the nursery involved in distributing invitations next time. They will have children coming in on different days and it is unreasonable of you to expect them to hand out the invitations. It's also unreasonable of you to expect them to tell you that another child has a party that day. it is highly, highly unlikely that they will have remembered.

Yes, it's really rude of the parents not to respond though.

HoHoHoNoYouDont Sat 15-Jun-13 22:45:56

I want to be a school secretary now for all the choccies grin

HollyBerryBush Sat 15-Jun-13 22:47:24

At any school the clerical staff will be your best friends - frankly top of the list if you want anything done, do remember them at the annual gift giving.

it always worked for me - takes them 30 seconds to run off a set of labels and shove 'em on envelopes.... job done, no invites hanging round in trays or school bags for weeks.

I come at this with the feckless parent angle, one who has never looked in a school bag in her life

DuttyWine Sat 15-Jun-13 22:47:35

It will be much better with just 9! grin

Without sounding rude you need to get a bit of a grip. It's not the nursery staffs job to do this. How would they realise if another party is the same day, unless they are invited too?

It's annoying they haven't replied but out of your hands really? Do the children at nursery finish at the same time? I'd so could you go in at home time and ask some more parents if they are coming, or invite some friends and family kids to bump up the numbers.

Lindalucky Sat 15-Jun-13 22:48:20

I don't think it would be child protection for the member of staff just to say - another child has given out invitations already for that day. she did not have to name the child.

Giving out invitations is very much something that the staff do at this nursery. Although I realise it is probably not in their job description. I don't think they have a secretary.

Even if the nursery are blameless - is it not shocking that those that have had invitations have not replied?

TheDoctrineOfAllan Sat 15-Jun-13 22:48:46

Staff might not have looked at the dates on the invites, just handed them over.

ExitPursuedByABear Sat 15-Jun-13 22:51:55

So your child did not get an invitation to the other party?


Tommy Sat 15-Jun-13 22:53:44

it's an on-going issue - the not replying. Drives me mad but it happens - you just have to get used to it I'm afraid.

HollyBerryBush Sat 15-Jun-13 22:54:49

Do you work? I am assuming so, otherwise you would be handing them out at end of day.

Most invitations are in envelopes - the staff aren't going to open them and know Mary has a party a 3pm on Saturday.

We live in a diverse culture these days - many of the children will be seeing the NRP on a weekend. Most I would imagine will be dragged off to dance/ballet/gym/swimming/violin and so forth.

Parties at 4 are best kept small, to close family friends and relatives.

I can think of more things to be shocked over - it is rude, but people are generally lacking in manners these days

Lindalucky Sat 15-Jun-13 22:55:42

I did put an rsvp date - so I suppose I will assume that they are not coming.

The 9 includes DD. I have booked to have it in a venue were they charge per head and I think the minimum is 15 but I'll just have to explain and hope they don't charge me a surcharge. I did try to cancel and have the party at home instead as so few but as I had paid a deposit that was not possible without loosing the money.

Yes I have learned a lot from this.

MerylStrop Sat 15-Jun-13 22:56:54

Nursery staff are paid a derisory amount for stuff that IS THEIR ACTUAL JOB, you can't expect them to be all on the ball about your party invitations.

Also, kids parties are WAAAY down the list of priorities for a lot of parents, not out of rudeness but out of sheer business, forgetfulness etc, especially if you don't know the kid, or their parents. And invitations get lost. That said I always reply.

9 kids for a 4th birthday party sounds just fab, they will actually play together, not just be in the same place and you'll be able to get to drink coffee and talk to the other parents.

Relaxx, it will be fine

wouldliketobethere Sat 15-Jun-13 22:57:08

I understand you are upset and I agree that if the staff really did know about the clash, they should have told you (without mentioning names if data protection was an issue). But they may not have paid it much attention.

Honestly, my DC are much older now and I can speak from experience that 9 children is fine for a 4 year old's party. So don't worry, just let them have fun and your DD will enjoy it.

I agree that people were rude not to RSVP.

Gubbins Sat 15-Jun-13 22:57:30

If my children take invites into school to hand out then they are sealed in envelopes. There's no way the staff would have any idea when the party is. And while it might be reasonable to get the staff to hand the invites out, there's no way I'd expect them to chase up the parents for responses. That's your job.

mirry2 Sat 15-Jun-13 22:57:55

How many children have you invited? How many have replied?

Lindalucky Sat 15-Jun-13 23:00:14

No my child was not invited to the other party. Which I know is childish but I am rather peeved at that too. Firstly the child whose party it is was one of the first my daughter wanted to invite to hers. But obviously if she had been invited we would have known the date and altered the date of dd accordingly.

redskyatnight Sat 15-Jun-13 23:00:38

Yes, of course it's rude for the other parents not to reply.
Unfortunately (as a parent) if you get an invitation for a pre-school party that's weeks before the actual party, and it's not the child of some one you know, and not your child's best friend, then chances are you put it in a drawer on the side as you've no idea yet whether the date is inconvenient or not. and then, with the best will in the world, you forget about it.

I'm assuming you don't see (m)any of the other parents so that's why it's hard for you to chase up. I accept that this is difficult. My children are older, so I'm now hardened to putting an RSVP on the invite but asking parents in advance of that date when I see them. And I also try to get to know who my children's friends are if at all possible - not to the best buddy level, but just to say hello in passing. I can guarantee you get a much better reply rate for people who know you!

Is the party next weekend? Then you still have time to chase parents - if you don't see them at all, then phrase a note to all the non-repliers asking them to please text you by x day. Ask the nursery staff nicely to hand them out and then check at the end of the day that they have done so. (My DC went to a nursery where it was normal for staff to give out invites - I don't think this is odd or asking too much).

AndHarry Sat 15-Jun-13 23:00:47

YANBU about the lack of responses. We invited 25 children in DS's nursery to his party earlier this year. Four parents bothered to reply. Good thing his friends outside nursery have better-mannered parents really!

piprabbit Sat 15-Jun-13 23:01:58

Nine is fine for a party, but I expect you'll end up with more people coming than have replied. It is absolutely standard nowadays for people to be bloody rude not to bother replying. Relax, enjoy the party and try not to stress (easier said than done).

BabylonReturns Sat 15-Jun-13 23:04:57

Tis is exactly why I'm having a party at home for dd2s 4th birthday in August.

Invites will be given out at pre school leavers party in July and party will be last week in August.

Bouncy castle, pass the parcel and jam sarnies will see us right!

Lindalucky Sat 15-Jun-13 23:09:11

They invites for dd party and the other one were not in sealed envelopes. I have since spotted the other invite in the 'going home' . I agree with hindsight maybe the staff may not have realised the date clash though. I am probably over sensitive.

I am reassured by yours thoughts that 9 is an okay number. I was thinking that was fine at home but may be too few in a venue.

I have invited 30. 5 told me they cant come as at other party (one being the other birthday child- so other party not mentioned in the reply the other party, but did say not coming). 1 on holiday. 8 accepted. And 16 No reply.

HibiscusIsland Sat 15-Jun-13 23:30:30

I've done lots of parties and i'm afraid people not replying is par for the course. People just forget. I put a reply by date on the invitation and then as I have contact details for all the school mums, I text them to see if they are coming if they haven't replied in time. People are often quite apologetic. If you don't have contact details you could print off some notes to ask if they are coming and ask staff to put them in bags of non repliers. Shame about the clash.

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