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To think OH is being crap or is this standard?

(127 Posts)
appletarts Sun 24-Feb-13 19:29:30

Todays scenarios....

1. Toddler pees through knickers, trousers and wellies when out. OH stands by the car with her for 5 minutes in freezing conditions waiting for me to come back to sort it out. He has car keys in his hand and there's plenty of spare clothes in the car (I haven't specifically told him that but one second of looking he's find them in boot).

2. Baby winging and whining, I call up why baby crying? He says it's this and that. 30min later I come up and baby has temperature. He didn't notice flushed cheeks, warm back.

Every day is like this in some way and I'm getting pissed off. He doesn't take initiative, are other dads like this? Is it really all mums work? On the plus side he is gentle, calm, sweet, plays with them beautifully and is a good emotional support to me just resolutely shit at doing this hands on stuff which makes me feel I'm on my own with the responsibility parts of it all. Is this normal dad behaviour?

ClippedPhoenix Sun 24-Feb-13 19:32:30

In his defence though you didn't tell him you had spare clothes in the boot though did you.

Not noticing a temperature isn't the end of the world either to be honest.

The pluses you say far outweigh this other stuff.

You also sound a bit bossy to be fair.

AThingInYourLife Sun 24-Feb-13 19:32:37

Not realising a baby has a temperature is standard.

Leaving a child covered in piss in the freezing cold is not standard.

ClippedPhoenix Sun 24-Feb-13 19:33:00

Another "though" just for good measure grin

CailinDana Sun 24-Feb-13 19:33:06

Hmm, DH might miss a temp because he doesn't think of it but he would never leave a toddler standing in wet clothes. Thing is though, if I came back and he said he was waiting for me to sort it out I'd give him such an earful he'd regret it forever.

Pagwatch Sun 24-Feb-13 19:35:27

No. Not standard.
Dh would not stand in the cold with DC waiting for me to sort it out. He would not stand the DC inthe old regardless. I don't understand what your OH wa waiting for.

The temperature thing is a bit more difficult. He might not spot a temperature but if he was doing all he could think of to comfort a whiney baby I wouldn't be cross about his not diagnosing the problem.

Kooza Sun 24-Feb-13 19:36:44

Nah, my DH is a bit crap too.

Everything has to be my decision, my responsibiiity. He has very little initiative or common sense I'm finding.
He also has very little relationship with our youngest (because he doesn't spend any time with her) and then blames HER for it.

The bottom of a long list of things that are starting to get right on my nerves to be honest!!

Yama Sun 24-Feb-13 19:37:25

No, not standard Appletarts.

The first scenario makes him sound like an idiot.

The second is annoying but if it were a one off and not in addition to him being an idiot most of the time then it wouldn't seem as bad.

raisah Sun 24-Feb-13 19:42:04

My dh is a bit like this, I have to break things down into tasks otherwise he just wont do/ get it. It is tiring; I sometimes scream out if frustration. He ran out of baby wipes once so instead of using cotton wool he used anti bac wipes! It's hard, it's like they get baby brain without actually giving birth!

LadyApricot Sun 24-Feb-13 19:42:20

My DH is exactly the same. It drives me nuts. I have to find everything because I'm the only one who puts things away, I make all decisions, he would've done the same if our Dc's wet themselves too. I honestly feel more like his mother. You're not alone!

fluffyraggies Sun 24-Feb-13 19:46:02

1. Crap

2. Standard

Pagwatch Sun 24-Feb-13 19:48:07

Christ alive. People regard this as normal.


MidnightMasquerader Sun 24-Feb-13 19:48:39

My DH used to be a bit like this, but I blame it in large part on EBF and maternity leave, and the fact that I was thrown in the deep end, the vast bulk of it all naturally fell to me so I learnt it all by default, and he wasn't really able to get his hands dirty with it all, so to speak.

But it wasn't too long past weaning and several arguments that he began to step up to the plate. Then a temporary stint as a stay at home Dad opened his eyes like nothing else, and he fully admitted how much I had done, and didn't know how I coped.

Now he's brilliant. An equal partner. And the kids relationship with his is fantastic. I would say I feel lucky - and I am very thankful that he loves us all enough to actively want to be a part of family life - but I'm not lucky, per se. This is how it should be.

nilbyname Sun 24-Feb-13 19:51:14

I would livid if my DH stood in the cold with a soggy toddler when he had the bloody car keys in his hand. He could have took off her wet things, got the car running, tucked her up in his coat and they could have waited inside the car for you. I would be spitting feathers!

The second easy mistake, but, was he comforting her?

There is obviously a back story here.

nickelbabe Sun 24-Feb-13 19:51:32

oh dh drives me mad with things like that too!
it's a logical thought process, surely, so why can't he get the hang of it??

I'm the one that gets the bag of stuff together when we go out, even though he knows what we need! (nappies, cloth, wipes, food and cup)
if he does get it ready, he misses something out - usually obvious.

if she starts crying he doesn't try to work out what's wrong, he just holds her in a non-cuddly way hmm
we have to stop her scratching and cream her every time she's changed, and he doesn't make any effort to stop her scratching
at night, she gets upset because she's tired and I'll sit there saying "I'll feed her" and sit there with my boob hanging out for ages while he tries to shush her instead of handing her over confused

Looiloo79 Sun 24-Feb-13 19:51:33

My partner would prob miss a temperature but he would deffo change her pants! He would probably have to ring me first to let me know though and ask for advice ha

BlackholesAndRevelations Sun 24-Feb-13 19:51:38

My dp would know that there were spare clothes in toddler's bag, and he would change her. He's quite good at knowing when they feel hot, and will use thermometer to check. I think the second one is ok-ish (depending on how hot she was really; was it worryingly high?) but no one wants to stand in the freezing cold in wet clothes!

Men can be thoughtless though, without being lazy or malicious.

nilbyname Sun 24-Feb-13 19:52:34

pag i am so with you on this.

My DH is a totally hands on equal partner. Why should it be any different?

travellingwilbury Sun 24-Feb-13 19:52:50

no it is not normal ! even if he didn't think there were any clothes in the car he would have put a soggy child in the car not outside in the cold at the very least .

nickelbabe Sun 24-Feb-13 19:53:16

I even have to tell him where he might find changes of clothes. even though they're always in the same place and I've written a list of all items and layers required there on the inside of the wardrobe door

BlackholesAndRevelations Sun 24-Feb-13 19:54:46

Oh I should mention that he sometimes packs the bags as well, and knows exactly what the dc need, as I have trained him (sounds patronising but it's true! He was willing to take just-trained toddler out sans bag with spare pants in until I pointed out that she might wet herself.... hmm)

Beamae Sun 24-Feb-13 19:54:56

No initiative here either. How ever many times I explain that I am as in the dark about what the babies want or how to stop them crying, he always looks to me for solutions.

He's good at other stuff and would definitely sort out a wet child if he knew where the dry stuff was. I don't think he would spot a temperature.

Fairenuff Sun 24-Feb-13 19:57:14

Well my dh wouldn't have left a wet child standing in the cold. He would not have been too pleased at her sitting in his car and getting pee on the seats but he would have used his initiative and put something down.

The temperature he would have spotted. But then he is a very 'hands on' dad and I trust him to get on with it, so he's had a lot of practice.

appletarts Sun 24-Feb-13 20:02:14

I had THE bag with me with wet wipes etc in it but still logic should tell you to get in the car and look for some dry clothes. He phoned me when she first peed and I said I'll be back soon but didn't imagine he'd be stood there waiting for me. I suppose I could have told him there were clean clothes in the car when he phoned but bloody hell why do I have to spoon feed?! Reassuring to hear others are similar. It's not malicious or lazy but it's like the logic gene is missing here..AARRGGHH!

JaxTellerIsMyFriend Sun 24-Feb-13 20:02:45

My DH would have opened car, started it to get some heat in, had a look to see if there were wipes/other baby stuff in and got on with sorting out toddler.

I mean surely this isnt your first outing as a family? Everybody knows that babies/toddlers require a bag of all sorts of stuff just to get out the front door!

Well, anyone with an ounce of common sense.

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