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to feel hurt for my fatherless son

(130 Posts)
spiritedaway Mon 04-Feb-13 21:24:04

I have 4 dc- the youngest is 2 the eldest 10. The youn gest 2 have no contact with their father. My Dp wants to move in and be a dad to my little 2. He has shown great commitment over the last year during a fairly long distance relationship. He would like a child of his own. To not have one is a deal breaker. I am currently a single mum of 4. I would love a baby together but i need to weigh against needs of the other kids. I feel like he is saying my little 2 are not enough and would almost be downgraded by his own child. He saying he just doesn't want to always feel like an outsider looking in. I am over 40. I also fear becoming a single mum of 5. I asked him what if i say no, he replied he would leave. If i try, but we can't then he says that would be ok. Is this more like wants me to prove something to him? I really feel it is crunch time.

spiritedaway Mon 04-Feb-13 21:29:47

i apologise for the sloppy post. . it be my phone

nefertarii Mon 04-Feb-13 21:29:55

How would you feel if you didn't have kids and your partner didn't want them?

mrsbunnylove Mon 04-Feb-13 21:32:01

if you have any doubts, don't move him in.

spiritedaway Mon 04-Feb-13 21:35:33

You mean if i wanted them? I wouldn't feel it was a personal rejection of me and i think that is how he sees it.

nefertarii Mon 04-Feb-13 21:37:13

You would be happy to not have children?

whateveritakes Mon 04-Feb-13 21:38:46

Will he still be prepared to stay if you don't get pregnant and carry to term? How does he know he is able to have a baby with you?

YANBU but I can see why he would like one of his own. It doesn't mean yours aren't good enough but they aren't going to feel like his after one year of a long distance relationship TBH. I think you should do what you want. He can have children whenever he wants so you don't need to give him anything if you don't want to.

spiritedaway Mon 04-Feb-13 21:38:48

I think i will always have doubts Mrs Bunny. . i just keep seeing loads of scenarios, amazingly good and others equally terrible.

spiritedaway Mon 04-Feb-13 21:41:10

If he was clear in his need for his own biological child, that i understand. But it is more my intention to try with him that he wants. If we can't have a child he says that would not be a problem. Only if i won't try.

WorraLiberty Mon 04-Feb-13 21:47:31

If he was clear in his need for his own biological child, that i understand. But it is more my intention to try with him that he wants. If we can't have a child he says that would not be a problem. Only if i won't try.

See I think he's got a lovely way of thinking.

He's making it clear to you that as much as he wants to be a biological Dad, if nature forbade it for any reason, he'd still love you just as much as he does now.

In other words, having a baby is not more important than having you...but you being happy/willing to try for one is very important to him.

Does that make sense?

spiritedaway Mon 04-Feb-13 21:51:18

Yes. . it does make sense smile I want him to be happy but i just don't know if i can take more time away from my other Dc's. He says we'll be a team, but hey, he's a man and i am a cynic

Kiwiinkits Mon 04-Feb-13 21:51:43

This may sound a bit harsh but I honestly think it's the right advice.

I think he should demonstrate real commitment to YOU first. If he's serious about becoming a family - a lifelong father and husband - he will need to marry you. If he can't do that.... well, you may well end up a single mother of five.

Kiwiinkits Mon 04-Feb-13 21:52:23

Men can say all sorts of things; it's what they DO that counts

spiritedaway Mon 04-Feb-13 21:52:37

thanks Worral. . that was really lovely smile

Kiwiinkits Mon 04-Feb-13 21:53:40

Don't move him in, it's too easy! Make him jump some sort of hurdle to show he's serious and invested in you. No skin in the game = too easy to get going when the going is tough.

Schooldidi Mon 04-Feb-13 21:55:16

Even if they do get married she could still end up a single mother of five. Marriage doesn't stop men leaving.

WorraLiberty Mon 04-Feb-13 21:57:25

How do you know the OP wants to get married?

spirited no problem at all and I can kind of understand how you feel because I was a single parent of 2 kids when my now DH moved in.

He had no kids of his own but took to mine like a duck to water... that was definitely what made me decide to have one more.

It wasn't because he wanted one but because after a couple of years of seeing what a fantastic step dad he was, it just seemed the natural thing to do.

Could you not see how it goes and put it on the back burner for a year or so? Or is he in a desperate hurry?

spiritedaway Mon 04-Feb-13 21:57:45

well he does come here 3 hrs public transport every weekend and uses all his hols for their birthdays etc. He is rather undomesticated and slightly idle, but that is compared to myself who, with 4 kids am constantly washing and zooming around. He admits to being confused as to what the hell we are doing next ie ballet, sports clubs etc. . but he does try to keep up and always offers me a lie in which i never take. My kids wake at 8ish weekends. That is a lie in! smile

Schooldidi Mon 04-Feb-13 22:00:32

If she's over 40 then waiting a couple of years doesn't sound viable really.

spiritedaway Mon 04-Feb-13 22:01:03

He does want to get married, he had no dad, no family life, only child and was farmed out. He says doesn't want to feel disposable. He is only 30 and has a typical professional house share. Maybe i should just move him in with my 4. He will probably deny he ever mentioned another child after a few months ;)

spiritedaway Mon 04-Feb-13 22:03:41

It is the age thing and not feeling like we have time that's the pressure

WorraLiberty Mon 04-Feb-13 22:06:25

Well whatever happens, take that lie in! grin

It'll be character building for him and the kids...they get bonding time and you get to starfish in bed for a while.

Win - win!

spiritedaway Mon 04-Feb-13 22:08:42

Again Worral. . like it smile

Kiwiinkits Mon 04-Feb-13 22:10:27

He sounds lovely spirited.

Be warned, though, slightly idle will turn into very idle if you allow it to. Usual progression.

frustratedworkingmum Mon 04-Feb-13 22:11:04

Run, run fast

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