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To feel entirely broken

(50 Posts)
Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 21:35:48

My closest female friends - 4 out of 6 - are in terrible relationships but without fail for years I'm always, always there.

Last year I made the error of dating a mutual friend. He was emotionally and (rarely) physically abusive; he cheated on me with his ex repeatedly and she on ce tried to physically hurt me. At the time I offered to walk away if there was unfinished business but he insisted no. Total lies, all the while screaming at me now and then that I'm a dirty tart, easy shag, slut.. I've never had a One night night stand. He broke me down to the point that I said no and he threatened to leave me so I let him carry on, all the while crying, hating myself, hating everything. My mum died when I was young and he told me my dad should have instead, then I wouldn't be such a manipulative bitch or so damaged. I had an abortion (red flags about him, still cry about it, still hate myself) and he text my father to tell him, just to hurt me.

I recently moved back to my home town briefly and he's done all he can to ruin me. He's turned two groups of friends against me, tonight he's at a party with all my oldest friends, the ones i supported regardless because i believe in loyalty, because he's lied so well (in public he's an absolute darling) that they either chose him or don't believe me, although I only told 2 people because I didn't want to cause him trouble or think of it.

Worst of all, I own a house and it is my tenant who (I thought was a friend) who is holding this party. I. My bloody house that I worked so hard for, but of course legally i cannot tell him who to invite or not.

On top of this I found out an hour ago ive lost my job.

I feel that my friends don't care, I've lost the job I dote on and put 14 hour days at least into. I feel like I'm falling to pieces.

Sorry so long

jackstini Fri 01-Feb-13 21:41:44

So sorry to hear you are going through this - must just feel like everything is falling on you from a great height at once sad

You know he is a nasty piece of work and you do not deserve the things he said and did.
Don't forget what a lovely person you were to those friends - you are loyal and supportive, very important qualities.
You also worked hard enough to buy a house, which is a major achievement - please feel proud of the good things you have done.

Where are you living now? Is moving back into your own house an option?Have you any friends or family nearby that could come and be with you tonight?

DumSpiroSpero Fri 01-Feb-13 21:42:56

You poor thing - what an awful time you're having.

Is your dad supportive of you?

It must be really tough losing your job a it sounds like that has been holding you together.

I wonder if now would be good to take a break or go for a compete change of scenery & start afresh. Rent your house out in it's entirety & go travelling maybe. I'm not sure you wel be able to get yourself back together with all these people/reminders around you so perhaps the job loss is a silver lining.

Definitely look into some counselling too and in the meantime have an unmumsnetty ((hug)).

iloveeverton Fri 01-Feb-13 21:45:33

Right I assume you aren't at this house party? Forget it for tonight your friends will not be there to hurt you deliberately they are probably just thoughtless. Is there one you can ring tomorrow and meet for coffee and confide in face to face?

I'm sorry about your job it's so hard and hopefully something else will come up.

Finally well done for getting rid of that horror, consigne him to the past and whatever happens from now on you are better than him.

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 21:45:53

Staying with my daddy. I'm 24. I feel so pathetic. I'm unemployed, already on anxiety meds, have no siblings, no relationship (not a problem) and now my best friends care for my abusuve ex, not me. I just don't never stand. I couldn't love them more, I'm the o e who listens hen everyone else s bored of repetition, and I could not have worked harder. 3 weeks ago my boss wrote the most glowing report.. It's internal politics but I feel that I've lost all and I'm falling apart

yaimee Fri 01-Feb-13 21:48:10

God I'm so sorry, this is awful. You're a brave strong woman to have walked away and now you're rid things will just get better and better. You've done the hard bit!
I don't really have any advice other than to keep your chin up, stay strong and don't get into any kind of messiness with him, his ex or any of th mutual friends, just put yourself above it all, you're a better person, good luck zx

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 21:48:27

*understand . I have a masters degree with a distinction and bought my first house independent,y at 22. I just don't know how I've gone so wrong. I've always been there for my friends no matter what; I know he has little but contempt for all of them and he's doing this to hurt me. It has worked, I want to curl up and scream and sob and disappear

PleasePudding Fri 01-Feb-13 21:52:34

OP I'm so sorry, this must be awful for you!

But meet the nicest friend tomorrow like iloveeverton said and talk to her and ask for her support.

This man is horrid and you are so much better - don't see him again. Could finding a new job open new oppurtunities for you? Maybe go to a new city it country even to have all the fun you deserve? You are young and should be having a fabulous time not loaded down with cares and the emotional (and physical wounds) of a total bastard

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 21:53:36

I'm applying to do a psychology conversion then a doctorate in clinical psychology. After my own painfully sad upbringing (father amazing but mum died, no siblings, first sexual experience 13 entirely unwilling, turned into PTSD/bipolar/BPD) I had therapy, went to uni, did masters, volunteered for charities incl nightlife, Samaritans, rape crisis..

Hoping to find away but tonight I'm falling to pieces.

I'm not strong enough. My bf of 3 years and I broke up a year and a half ago, then the nasty one, and looking after my ageing father, losing job... I can't do this

iloveeverton Fri 01-Feb-13 21:54:16

You need to get away from him and if your friends are his friends maybe them too.

Speak to your boss on Monday if you have recently had a glowing report it will purely be financial.

Put your energy into you not other people. Get on LinkedIn, ask colleagues, do voluntary work.

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 21:56:12

Nope, all female friends are off with him. I don't blame them, he is do very convincing,no one sees the bad just the v pretty, great fun, everyone's best friend. I pave list all my female friends bar one. It hurts, it hurts so much. My life disintegrated today.

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 21:57:43

I can't anymore. I just can't. I've been fighting forever to stay afloat. These 2 things today, I never ever cry but ice cried for hours. At least I can't eat now, that's something,

iloveeverton Fri 01-Feb-13 21:57:44

X post you sound amazing with what you have achieved after all you have been through.

Can you switch off tonight, have a bath, read a book. You have looked after others enough. You do not have to sort this out tonight take slower steps be kind to yourself.

JumpingJackSprat Fri 01-Feb-13 21:59:14

i dont know what to suggest but i didnt want to read and run. youve been through a hell of a lot and youre such an inspiration becoming a psychologist to help others. have you thought about explaining to some of your more trusted friends what your ex did to you? if they dont know then they probably wouldnt think twice about socialising with him. sad

jackstini Fri 01-Feb-13 21:59:34

You can do it.
Look at what you have done before; you have managed some amazing things despite all the crap you have been through.

Tonight is awful.
Tomorrow will be better.
Who knows what the future holds - you have had enough bad things happen, time for the good

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 22:03:18

I told two of them in horrible detail (pushing me down stairs, pushing me into abolition I didn't want then screaming that I'd killed his child, cheating on my mercilessly then claiming I gave him an std - impossible) so either they don't believe or don't care. I d t know which hurts more.

I feel so alone. And worst part is that I like trusting people, I love caring for my friends, I don't want that part of me to change. But I feel numb, alone, nothing. I am nothing.

JumpingJackSprat Fri 01-Feb-13 22:06:01

you are not nothing. sad is there anyone you can talk to tonight?

DumSpiroSpero Fri 01-Feb-13 22:07:48

You are not nothing - you are absolutely amazing.

Even to have achieved a Masters & owning your own home at 24 is incredible these days, let alone with all the other stuff you've had to deal with.

It's not fair that you are having to deal with this on top, but you can do it and you will come out of the other side.

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 22:08:13

I am.

I'm failure.

Plus my fault my mum is dead. My fault for all. Breast cancer recurrence if you have baby is far higher. I killed her. I ruined my father's life through that. I can't keep a job. My friends don't care. I am truly nothing.

iloveeverton Fri 01-Feb-13 22:09:20

You need new friends, all this sounds too hurtful. Spend some time just on your own, you are a clever strong individual and you need to move on from everyone in this painful chapter of your life.

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 22:13:02

I want female friends, I'm in an industry full of men (ha I was) and I adore my fgirlfriends but unfortunately he has won them over, I think Sn all girls' boarding school damaged us all.

Sorry to bother you all. Think you for caring.

JumpingJackSprat Fri 01-Feb-13 22:13:57

my heart is breaking for you. you sound so alone but it doesnt have to be this way. you probably need to cut these people out of your life but that probably seems insurmountable right now. have you had any recent counselling or cbt?

PleasePudding Fri 01-Feb-13 22:16:08

You're not a failure. You didn't kill your mother. You've had a shitty time of it and now you have a shitty boyfriend. Other people have had this and have been happy - you will be happy again.

Ditch him, get a great job. You'll get a great reference. Be gentle with yourself.

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 22:16:46

I've had enough cut to keep bi polar in check which is quite a feat, and counselling doesn't do it for me. I'm on 100mg sertroline.

My heart has broken too. This hurts like fuck but my biggest fear is turning into a cynic and not loving my friends if they come around. Does that make me pathetic?

Sorry for typos. Am pretty sober but on iPad

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 22:17:51

Cut = cbt (iPad)

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