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to think we should encourage our daughters to marry men who earn AT LEAST as much as them?

(348 Posts)
StripeyBear Sun 27-Jan-13 12:35:33

Quarter of a century ago, starting university, I would have furiously disagreed with this. Women should make their own money, and marry who they like!

Now, looking back, I'm not so sure. Nearly all my female friends, however successful in their careers prior to children, have compromised work success to raise their children. (I do have one friend who has a house husband, but that is the exception rather than the rule). Consequently, the lifestyle of my friends has been largely dictated by how much their husbands earn. So the nurse who married the mechanic is run ragged with extra shifts, juggling small kids in a tiny house with a large mortgage, indifferent schools and holidays in Haven or not at all - whilst my midwife girlfriend who married a consultant, is living in a huge detached house, with kids at private schools and just does a few shifts to keep her registration and to keep out of the way of her cleaner.

So AIBU, should we tell our daughters to marry someone who can provide the material stuff, or in another quarter of a century, will the world have moved on again, and fathers will be equal parents, and none of this will matter a stuff?

meadow2 Sun 27-Jan-13 12:37:37

I want my dds to marry who they love whether they are a binman or a doctor.

badguider Sun 27-Jan-13 12:38:22

YABU our daughters should marry good men who they love and love them back and respect them fully. Everything else can be worked out. The happiest families I know are quite low earners with pretty even childcare... some of the most miserable have a 'high flying man' as the father who works long hours and in high paying industries where even going home on time is seen as weak.

SparklyAntlersInMyDecorating Sun 27-Jan-13 12:39:02

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheTiger Sun 27-Jan-13 12:39:15

I would rather they married someone they love and who loves them. Material stuff isn't as important.

Tortington Sun 27-Jan-13 12:39:55



what is this 1959?

limon Sun 27-Jan-13 12:40:08

As long as the opposite is also your opinion then yanbu. But if not, then yabu.

I too just want my DD and DSD to be happy.

bickie Sun 27-Jan-13 12:40:11

Fingers crossed things will have moved on. I would encourage my daughters to be happy in their choices - career and partner. A rich man does not make you happy - or guarantee security.

Fairylea Sun 27-Jan-13 12:40:24

I think you are making the crucial error that everyone who has a lot of money is happy and everyone who has less is struggling.

I know a lot of poorer families who are both supportive parents so neither is run ragged. I will be encouraging my dd to marry a man she loves, who will be a supportive partner and parent and is financially aware and stable regardless of earning very little or lots.

eggsy11 Sun 27-Jan-13 12:40:45

I agree... sort of. I had a baby pre-graduating (still at uni now, graduating in June). DP found a job after graduating relavitvely easy, although it's below what he should be on salary rise as maths graduate. Now I'm applying the proportion of boys getting through to graduate schemes in my class compared to girls is insane! My lecturer described 20+ year old girls as 'ticking timebombs' to companies!

I understand your point, that men need to earn a decent wage because women won't be able to if they have children etc. But at the same time I do think thinks are changing a bit!

OhThePlacesYoullGo Sun 27-Jan-13 12:40:48

Seriously? No. I will be encouraging my daughter to get an education and do well for herself. IF she wants to marry someone be it a man or a woman, she should do so because they are kind, treat her well and she can imagine spending the rest of her life with them.

SolidSnake Sun 27-Jan-13 12:41:59

YANBU, more or nothing has always been my belief wink

DomesticCEO Sun 27-Jan-13 12:42:48

I will be encouraging my sons not to marry girls who are just marrying them for their wage packet hmm.

nailak Sun 27-Jan-13 12:43:05

I think the value and worth of a person should not be defined in monetary terms.

I will encourage my daughters to earn their own money so they are never reliant on their partner. I will also encourage them to be with a decent partner who loves and respects them and who they love and respect. Money is irrelevant to that.

PoppyWearer Sun 27-Jan-13 12:44:56

I am hopeful that some of our generation of parents and carers will have been granted flexible enough working and have partners who are able to be true partners at home and at work, so that they become the next set of senior managers and help attitudes to change for our childrens' generation.

I am fearful for our daughters (and sons and grandchildren) if this does not change.

It's sad that I feel our own generation is a write-off in this regard - I think that, unfortunately, the current economy means we are doomed, nothing meaningful will change whilst money is tight, except for the lucky few. hmm

Yama Sun 27-Jan-13 12:45:26

I won't be encouraging anything.

I'd hope she'd marry a man like dh who parents properly and has respect for all women.

wewereherefirst Sun 27-Jan-13 12:45:50

YABU. I would tell my children to marry for love. Money doesn't buy happiness.

ouryve Sun 27-Jan-13 12:46:18

I disagreed with this when I started university, quarter of a century ago, and I still do.

Women, if they want to marry a man, should marry the one who cherishes them and makes them feel valued for who they are, regardless of income. This would automatically rule out lazy, entitled men. It would also rule out men who earn a lot (or any amount of money, for that matter) but want to keep the little woman in her place.

eggsy11 Sun 27-Jan-13 12:47:00

Money isn't irrelevant though. I grew up in house where my dad was on six figures and my mum a cleaner (wanted to work, didn't need to).

I now live in a tincy two bed flat with DS and DP. Our quality of life is nowhere near as good as I had it growing up. It would be a hell of a lot better if we didn't have to scrape together the rent or afford to go on a holiday! I'm greatful that I have a loving, DP who is an amazing Dad, but it would be nice if we were earning more!

Tee2072 Sun 27-Jan-13 12:47:15

The last thing I would ever ask my daughter (if I had one) to worry about when choosing a spouse is how much money that spouse made.

Are they a good, kind person? Do they treat my child well?

That's what matters.

Fakebook Sun 27-Jan-13 12:47:18

Eggsy, I am pretty sure you mentioned you had already graduated and had a good degree in another thread about old mothers. Which is it? Have you or haven't you?

OP, I'd hope for my daughter to marry a man who respects her, loves her, and works with her to make a happy home. Money and a large house and private school education would be an added bonus, and she could attain those things herself without a man through education and work.

AnnieLobeseder Sun 27-Jan-13 12:48:06

I will be encouraging my daughters to find something they love doing and have successful careers of their own. Then I will hope that they meet a partner who loves them as they deserve to be loved.

My DH was a poor farmer when I met him. And a forriner to boot. Now he earns twice what I do. You can never tell how life will turn out. Love and respect are all that matters.

ceeveebee Sun 27-Jan-13 12:48:32

I will encourage my DD and my DS to do whatever they want - marry or stay single, man or woman, poor or rich - as long as they are happy that's all that matters surely?

Sugarbeach Sun 27-Jan-13 12:49:50

Not really thought about it until you mentioned OP...

To want dd to marry someone who loves and respects her is a given...

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