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To dislike big parties and not want to help Dh celebrate his 40th ?

(60 Posts)
MuchBrighterNow Tue 22-Jan-13 11:23:29

Dh wants to arrange a big party for his 40th birthday, It will involve inviting lots of old friends and their families to come and stay for 3 or 4 days as we live far away from them. ( up to 50 or more people staying , a lot with young children, and then at least the same number locally )

He says that he will arrange it all, though I am not sure where they will all stay etc. It seems most of them will be squashed into our house. No one has any money to hire cars and we live in the middle of nowhere.

They will take flights to get here which mean that they probably wont be able to bring much luggage/ bedding etc.

I have had a very stressful time lately with my Ds teen . I have 2 other Dc , I work and Dh goes away a lot. I am already feeling pretty overwelmed just keeping up with day to day life. I feel very low in energy and do not feel at all like being the hostess with the mostess!

This party seems to be a big deal for DH....all I can see is the upheaval, energy etc. it's going to require. I don't even like big party's .I can see my negativity is really upsetting Dh.

I can't help think of all the practical, logistical details and they are blocking me as I just can't be bothered. Dh says he will do it all , but to be honest It's me who keeps our day to day life ticking over, and I can't see it.

AIBU to not be very happy with the prospect? Should I support him as it's his 40th ?

valiumredhead Tue 22-Jan-13 11:26:16

Yes you should - he has offered so let him organise it. If he doesn't do it remind him that he said that he would do everything. Its a lovely thing to do. Don't you think it will be fun to see people from abroad/friends?

TheCraicDealer Tue 22-Jan-13 11:26:40

Can't you go to them? Seems much more straightforward than trying to cram 50+ people into your house, plus their luggage etc. The money you'll spend in fights and a hotel will be recouped in the savings in food, water, heating etc.

AnnIonicIsoTronic Tue 22-Jan-13 11:32:35

Evenif it's really painful- it'll end.

Forbidding it is rather raining on your DHs excitement. I'd rather my dh had a party than got maudlin about aging.

If its in summer - could you make it a 'festival' & encourage people to camp (eg hire a field from a farmer & a couple of portaloos / caravans).

Crinkle77 Tue 22-Jan-13 11:36:16

YABU it is a special birthday so you should be supportive but I can understand your worries. Just make sure you discuss your worries, like where they are all going to sleep, will they bring bedding etc... then leave him to get on with it

Floralnomad Tue 22-Jan-13 11:36:22

Can you not suggest an alternative celebration that he may jump on board with , like a weekend away with some of his friends.

LessMissAbs Tue 22-Jan-13 11:39:49

How would you feel if your DH couldn't be bothered with a party for a big birthday for you? It might not be you thing, but its a one-off and a chance to catch up with old friends. Surely better to suppot each other and do things that aren't really for you at times?

HeadfirstForHalos Tue 22-Jan-13 11:42:30

YABabitU. He's not expecting you to deal with it all and he wants to see in his 40th with friends.

Your concerns are valid enough, just talk through them with your dh ask him where they will all sleep etc.

Just remember though, life is for living. Enjoy yourself and remember they won't all be there forever!

mollymole Tue 22-Jan-13 11:43:00

he has said he will doit so let him get on with it.

Yfronts Tue 22-Jan-13 11:46:54

The answer is to find a bunkhouse or YHA hostel that will accommodate all the people for as many nights as you need. We usually have one family per room and share the cooking/cleaning tc. That way it's not in your house and you don't have to be responsible. What part of the country do you live in?

Chelvis Tue 22-Jan-13 11:47:17

I would leave him to it, but I would put a limit on the number of people staying and be firm about it! Preferably exactly who, as well as numbers. He might be able to organise a party alone, but looking after houseguests is inevitably a joint effort, so you'd be reasonable to limit that.

bowerbird Tue 22-Jan-13 11:48:48

YABU. It's his 40th, it's a big deal and yes, you should support him.

You are being incredibly negative. I don't underestimate the energy involved, but this is not a common event - you only get one 40th, and especially as you live in the middle of nowhere (which you don't sound happy about and perhaps you might think about ... but that's for another thread) it's important to your DH to have his friends and family around and feel the love.

Perhaps you are over-thinking this. Your primary responsibility is to provide a party on the day (with lovely food and drink) and perhaps have some (SOME and you decide who and how many) people to stay. You are not responsible for people not being able to afford car rentals (which is ridiculous anyway if you can afford flight).

I can see this is all a bit daunting and it looks like a massive PITA. Break it down, though.

1) Invition list
2) Decide who you want to have stay at your place (and who you'd rather not)
3) Get list of local B&Bs, hotels etc
4) Discuss party with DH. Food and drink. Music etc.

This is for a start. If you can, focus on some positive aspects, some part of this to look forward to: seeing someone you like who you haven't seen for a while, having your house full of life (okay that might not work for you), or the look on grateful DH's face.

Yfronts Tue 22-Jan-13 11:48:50

follow this link

AnnIonicIsoTronic Tue 22-Jan-13 11:49:10

Yy - rent out a hostel (& maybe a minibus for transportation). Ask people to chip in - it won't be much per head. You can choose one remote enough to not worry about keeping neighbours awake.

ShamyFarrahCooper Tue 22-Jan-13 11:49:19

Unless you have a rather larger country house hotel you cannot accomodate 50 people anyway.

I think you do need to support him in this.

DPotter Tue 22-Jan-13 11:49:34

Yes I think you should support him - he's embracing his age - not something all of us can do.

First of all - when is it ? if it's in the summer could you borrow /buy some cheep tents and set them up in the garden - one tent per family sort of thing. Kids will love it (not so sure about the adults....). then you can have BBQ style celebrations which my DP is always more keen to get involved with arranging.
Sit down with DH and list out all the things which have to be arranged and by when and agree with him whose doing what - ie HIM! This will either terrify the living daylights out of him or give you both a check list to use.

In the mean time to help you can you arrange extra help in the house - I know many don't think it can help but I think getting some help is very useful, even if it only an ironing service once a fortnight. Can you build in some 'You'time for when DH is around ?

If his birthday is not in the summer - strongly suggest you delay celebrations until then - you can't arrange the weather but you can play the odds. best of luck

Yfronts Tue 22-Jan-13 11:51:17

I think they need to find their way there (plane/taxi/bus/train etc) if you provide accommodation (google Escape to YHA)

Gumby Tue 22-Jan-13 11:52:18


Sometimes its not all about you

Just sway him into organising something more manageable

KellyElly Tue 22-Jan-13 11:52:35

YABU. He'll only be 40 once. Sometimes in a relationship you have to do things you don't want to do to support your partner and it sounds like this is important to him. It will all be over before you know it and then you'll have ten years respite before his 50th grin

Annianni Tue 22-Jan-13 11:53:30

Yanbu. My idea of hell, no way i'd do it.

Pandemoniaa Tue 22-Jan-13 11:53:33

50 people staying?

Do you live in a stately home? Only I can't begin to imagine how you'd fit 50 people into the average house. Although if you've got a decent sized garden I guess there could be camping.

I don't think you are being U to be a little negative about the plan all the while it seems vague but impractical. On the other hand, it's not going to be much of a party if it has to be arranged around your unwillingness to be involved. So how about sitting down with your dh and working out how this party could work. Is it affordable? How will you cater for it? Where, exactly, will people stay? Only if you could get some of the practicalities sorted, the event itself doesn't have to be a nightmare.

YouOldSlag Tue 22-Jan-13 11:55:13

Sit down and talk through logistics with him. I personally hate having people to stay as it's horrendous work and we haven't the room, so I would say no to that but yes to the party.


If you can put a note in with each invite detailing accommodation, maps and directions, phone numbers etc (a bit like a wedding invite), then actually it won't be too much work for you. Your DH can still have his landmark celebration and you won't feel like a refugee camp.

A weekend away on neutral ground is another option- hire a big cottage/house and do pot luck/ order in.

JollyGolightly Tue 22-Jan-13 11:55:30

YANBU to dislike big parties, or to not want one at your house.
YABU to rain on your DH's parade, it's his 40th and you need to be nicer about it.
Here's what I did in a similar situation: hired a camping barn, hired caterers to turn up and do a hog roast, bought a few cases of cheap wine. Told everyone when and where and expected them to organise transport, but did a few shuttle runs to and from a nearby station. It was only slightly stressful to plan, and I'm someone who hates to plan stuff. Anyway, you don't have to organise it, as he's going to, but perhaps an alternative location would help you to feel more relaxed about the idea

YouOldSlag Tue 22-Jan-13 11:58:38

Don't let loads of people camp in your garden unless you have at least four toilets and bathrooms.

MuchBrighterNow Tue 22-Jan-13 12:01:17

He's not open to doing it elsewhere as it's important for him to open his home up to his friends and we do live in a very beautiful part of the world. His birthday unfortunately does not fall in summer. I already suggested the festival in summer idea. For his birthday we risk having rain and it being quite cold.

Dh is exceedingly busy in his work and much as he promises to sort it all I don't know if I will be able to just sit back and trust him to get it all together. He's the sort of person who loves to be active and make big plans and often is pretty unrealistic about what is possible in a given amount of time.

I probably am being unreasonable ... I wish I could see it as something energising and nourishing rather than focusing on all the effort involved.

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