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to want to cancel going to this wedding

(326 Posts)
nennypops Tue 15-Jan-13 21:16:09

DH is supposed to be best man at the wedding of an old friend of his in a few weeks' time. He was asked when I was expecting DS2 and I was invited too. DSs is breastfed and would have to come with us. DS1 has SN and wouldn't cope, so we are making other arrangements for him. A couple of weeks ago we had friend and fiancee round for a meal and, when we were talking about the wedding, I said that I was planning on sitting at the back with the baby so that I can take him out if he starts crying; also we would get a room in the hotel where the reception is happening so that, again, I could disappear and feed him if necessary.

They seemed happy with that, but a few days later DH got an embarrassed call from his friend saying that they weren't sure about having the baby there, couldn't we leave him behind. DH said no, explained why not, and said we realised that they wouldn't want any disturbance which was why we were planning on making arrangements so that wouldn't happen. Shortly afterwards, he had a call from the fiancee's mother of all people, coming up with all sorts of reasons why we shouldn't have the baby there - e.g. it would be cold in church (we'd wrap DS up warm, I'm sure the church won't be that cold), and the same sort of stuff re what if he needs feeding or changing etc. DH again patiently explained that we'd thought of all that. Then she started saying how it would be her daughter's day, she shouldn't have the attention taken off her, etc etc. So DH said that if she was basically saying that DS couldn't come, that was fine, and since she knew I couldn't leave him behind we would have to take it that my invitation is withdrawn and he would have to consider his own position. And we are both now thinking that he should cancel being best man.

It seems to us that they're perfectly entitled to have a no children rule, it's their wedding after all. However, they asked DH to be best man knowing the baby would be born before the wedding and never suggesting that children in general weren't welcome, let alone that our baby wouldn't be. DH doesn't want to spoil the wedding or embarrass his friend, but he feels it would be unfair to leave me behind, and that effectively withdrawing my invitation is a bit of a slap in the face. AWBU?

Picturesinthefirelight Tue 15-Jan-13 21:20:21

YANBU. In fact you are being perfectly reasonable.

timidviper Tue 15-Jan-13 21:20:27

No I don't think YABU. I am usually one of the people complaining at those who expect the world to revolve around their children but they invited you knowing you would have a baby and you have gone out of your way to be considerate and thoughtful.

aftermay Tue 15-Jan-13 21:20:49

Hmm, tough one. Not sure it's worth breaking a friendship over this. There must be lots of pressure from family. Don't take it too personally. They won't have thought so far on advance at what it meant you being of, having the baby breastfed etc.

DoItToJulia Tue 15-Jan-13 21:22:18

Oh, how messy. I am honestly not sure who is being unreasonable, but I am edging towards your friends, not you.

My best friend got married recently and my ds was 5 weeks old and she really wanted me there and bent over backwards to make sure I had everything I needed to be comfortable with the baby, but it was a chid friendly wedding anyway.

Not sure what you should do though, sorry!

BillyBollyBrandy Tue 15-Jan-13 21:22:37

YANBU. It is their choice. If you want a child free wedding that's fine, but you have to accept not everyone will want/be able to come.

BabsAndTheRu Tue 15-Jan-13 21:23:28

YANBU, you have a really lovely supportive DH, I wouldn't go either. How rude. So many people don't get the breast feeding issue at all. Hello mother and child need to be together.

littlewhitebag Tue 15-Jan-13 21:24:19

Your DH needs to approach his friend and ask him directly about this. He needs to explain that if you have thought through how to make things really unobtrusive with DS but if they don't want him there then he cannot be best man. Hopefully they will see sense.

WhatchuTalkinBoutPhyllis Tue 15-Jan-13 21:25:01

I don't think it's a tough one at all. fuck 'em the unaccommodating bastards.


NotSoNervous Tue 15-Jan-13 21:25:54

YANBU they are being abit OTT about this. You've already explained that you'll take certain measures to make sure that nothing is interrupted. If I were in your situation that DP wouldn't go for the fact that were together and if I was invited because of our child then he wouldn't go either

BabsAndTheRu Tue 15-Jan-13 21:26:15

When I got married I wanted everyone's kids there so it was a real family occasion and not too formal, a real happy time after all it's the start of a new family.

tillyfernackerpants Tue 15-Jan-13 21:26:47

A bit of a tricky one. Of course it is their wedding, so their decision but as you had made lots of arrangements to ensure there wouldn't be any disturbance, and they knew in advance it does seem a bit harsh to change their minds.

I think your dh should speak to his friend again asking him clearly if they want you all to be there, explaining that all the arrangements have been made, before you make any final decision about whether to go or not. Reading through it seemed to me that they don't (or at least didn't) have a problem with your ds been there, but it's the MotB who's making a fuss.

Hassled Tue 15-Jan-13 21:27:56

So will other children be there? Assuming yes - they're absolutely barking mad if they have issues with one newborn - your DS2 will probably be the quietest of the lot.

PomBearWithAnOFRS Tue 15-Jan-13 21:28:44

They probably never realised that the baby would be with you - people who haven't had children just think "babysitter" and that they gave you plenty of time to arrange one. Then the reality bit so to speak, and I bet they still just think you're being precious about it and that there's no reason you can't get a sitter - you're already getting one for DS1 etc etc.
I expect that if your DH now pulls out of being best man they will never forgive you (not your DH, you) and that will be the end of the friendship, even if it's not immediately apparent it's over. You will get the blame for "ruining their day" and that will be that.

Margocat Tue 15-Jan-13 21:29:21


Callyfornication Tue 15-Jan-13 21:30:27

HMMM YABU a bit. Do you and the baby have to be in the church? Can't you just go to the reception? They asked DH to be best man, not you.

ENormaSnob Tue 15-Jan-13 21:30:46


We wouldn't be going.

shock at mother of the bridezilla ringing to say all attention should be on her daughter.

Lexiesinclair Tue 15-Jan-13 21:30:59

You and your DH have been nothing but fair and reasonable. They are acting like twats - how pathetic getting the MIL to call with excuses.

Fuck em indeed.

Bubblegum78 Tue 15-Jan-13 21:31:25

Like you say, they knew he would have you and the baby when they invited you, sounds like the bride is being a bridezilla.

YANBU and further more, big brownie points to your hubby for not wanting to go without you.

At least if your hubby says no it might make his friend stand up to his soon to be wife, it might be her day but it isn't JUST her day, it's his too, selfish cow.

Lexiesinclair Tue 15-Jan-13 21:32:51

Also I think if your DH says he will pull out of being best man they will backtrack and your baby will be welcome after all.

SirBoobAlot Tue 15-Jan-13 21:33:26

YANBU. They got her mother to call? Blimey...

SuzySheepSmellsNice Tue 15-Jan-13 21:34:43

FFS one of my friends brought her newborn (literally 3 weeks old) and be her at my wedding. I don't feel it took attention away from me at all! How old is the bride to be? 6? Grow the fuck up. YANBU at all, how weird. Well done to your DH.

IceNoSlice Tue 15-Jan-13 21:35:04

YANBU, they are. If they value your/DH's friendship they will understand that you cannot leave such a tiny BF baby so the baby needs to be there, or you can't come.

letseatgrandma Tue 15-Jan-13 21:35:04

I bet when they have a newborn, they'll look back on what they're asking you to do in embarrassed horror!

How old will dc be at the wedding? I presume a few weeks old and not 4-5 years ;) ?

NamingOfParts Tue 15-Jan-13 21:35:42


My DH's suggestion is that your DH should apologise to the groom and say that it looks like the logistics just arent going to work and bow out of the wedding. Wish them well, send a nice present.

If they do have children then in a few years time they might well look back on this and cringe. Be kind to them for they know not what they do.

We had a child free wedding for all sorts of crap, ill-thought out reasons. I still look back and regret it and it is more than 20 years ago.

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