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DP still isn't home!

(111 Posts)
AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 05:29:51

Okay so I've been with my DP almost 5 years, we've got a 3month old DD

In the past he's had a habit of going out for a drink and not coming home until the next morning, not phoning or picking up his. The first time he did it we argued and I told him it wasn't what I wanted from a relationship, if that's what he wanted to do then that's fine we'll go our seperate ways but he said it wasn't and it wouldn't happen again. A couple of months later the same thing happened we had a massive row and I told him once more and I was done. 2w later we found out I was pregnant, I was on the pill and took it when I was ment to but it failed but our DD is the best thing that's ever happened to us. We had a huge heart to heart and I told him I didn't want to be a single parent and our relationship was great apart from when he didn't come home and I told him that I ment what I said last time and it still stood even when we had the baby and that I didn't want to be a single parent but I would if he did this again.

I'm sure youce guessed where this has lead, well he hasn't come home angry I was ment to grab him and he phoned to say don't bother ill be home in an hour (this was at midnight) , he never came home so at 3 I phoned and he said his list wasn't ready to bring him yet so he'll be back later and still isn't and I haven't bothered phoning again. He'll come back drunk out his head., fall asleep and tomorrow will swear him was home before now and won't understand what my problem is

I've spoke to my friend in RL and she think IBU and him not coming home isn't a big deal and I no a couple of his mates GF just put up with it, so I don't know if I am just being over the top. I'm so angry and ready to tell him to pack his bags but I don't want tho through our relationship away and I don't want to split our family up, he's. great dad and I know it will kill him being apart from us, but I feel like he knows I don't like it but why will he ever stop if he know ill just be pissed off for a day of two

So AIBU or is he? Would I be over reacting by telling him to leave?

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sat 12-Jan-13 05:41:10

It doesn't matter what others are happy with if you're not then that's fine. You've told him and he's continued to do it. If its a deal breaker for you then yanbu.

For me its not so much the not coming home but that he knows it bothers you and he would rather string you along all night than just come home. Out of interest what would be an acceptable time for him to come home?

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sat 12-Jan-13 05:41:50

BTW I hope you are not waiting up for him and are only up due to the baby!!!!!

HollyBerryBush Sat 12-Jan-13 05:44:31

Is it the time or the state he will be in that you object to?

AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 05:44:39

Thanks for your reply lovesbeing I think that no later then 5 tbh. If I did this he would go crazy and think all sorts of rubbish and it would be a huge deal for him and if I did it twice I have no doubt that we would have split over it. I've not long fed DD but now can't sleep hmm

YorkshireDeb Sat 12-Jan-13 05:45:52

YANBU. Don't think it would be a deal breaker for me but he doesn't seem to understand how much this bothers you. Think at the very least you need a serious chat when he gets back in the morning. X

AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 05:46:01

It's the time, whenever he goes out 9 times out of 10 he'll be a mess and carry on drinking when he gets home but he stays downstairs, doesn't make a mess so what I can I say

AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 05:48:10

I don't want it to finish us but we've sat down and had a serious talk each time before and when I got pregnant he'll really promised it wouldn't happen again hmm

Pilgit Sat 12-Jan-13 05:49:03

would piss me off too. But he's answering his phone so you know there's nothing wrong with him. Not keeping you updated is annoying and not rspecting that you don't like it isn't great. You need to work out why it bugs you as this isn't the same as before in that he's answering his phone. Then address those issues. I'd be mightily pissed off in your situation but it wouldn't b the end under the situation described.

YorkshireDeb Sat 12-Jan-13 05:49:15

You can say get your ass upstairs to bed & stop being a dick! How old is he? X

HollyBerryBush Sat 12-Jan-13 05:52:08

TBH it wouldnt bother me that much; it 's not me with the hang over next day but I certainly wouldnt be phoning to ask where he is!

On the otherhand DH wouldnt do it unless he'd phoned in to say he was crashing at XYZs house.

Why are you sitting up all night? That is pointless. If he knows you are sitting up waiting to have a go at him, then he's not going to come home, he's going to carry on.

I wouldnt tollerate it every weekend, but once in a blue moon, everyone needs to let off steam.

Longdistance Sat 12-Jan-13 05:52:42

This would drive me nuts.

Would he find it acceptable that you lied to him, and said 'ill be home in an hour', then stay out all night and not contact him? I doubt it very much.

I think your friends are bu, if they want to put up with crap from their partners that's up to them.

How old is he btw? May explain a few things.

AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 05:52:42

He's 26

I don't know why I feel so strongly about this, I know part of it is because its not acceptable for me to do it but he can

Longdistance Sat 12-Jan-13 05:53:31

Ooo, cross post!

AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 05:55:04

holly I completely agree that every one needs to let of steam but he goes out drinking once a week and will go out one night in the week to a friends of something like that. I haven't been sitting up all night, I got up to feed DD and can't get back to sleep now, I wish I could

YorkshireDeb Sat 12-Jan-13 05:56:57

Doesn't really matter WHY you feel so strongly about this - you do & that's all that's important. He should respect your feelings enough to not purposefully do things that upset you. X

YorkshireDeb Sat 12-Jan-13 06:01:13

Ps I think going out drinking every week & acting like this with a 3 month old at home is out of order. X

HollyBerryBush Sat 12-Jan-13 06:02:44

If you can't go out then your relationship is unequal.

That is what I wouldnt tollerate.

No man/woman is anothers possession to be dictated to. the first time anyone told me I could/couldn't do something they would be straight out the door.

If this is your dealbreaker then you need to look at the practicalities of being a single parent and where you are going to live and how you are going to afford it.

AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 06:14:13

It's not that I can't go out, I might have wrote that wrong. I ment that if I went out and didn't come back until the morning he would have huge problems with it and question where I was and who I was with and if I did it a second time I honestly don't think he would handle it and things would end

AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 06:17:29

Thanks yorkshire

YorkshireDeb Sat 12-Jan-13 06:20:37

In a healthy relationship I think you should be able to talk openly about your feelings, tell your partner if something upsets you, and expect them to do what they can to not make you upset. I don't think it's telling people what to do like hollyberrybush said - but then it doesn't sound to me like you're telling him not to go out. You're just saying it upsets you when he goes out, gets wasted, lies to you & doesn't turn up Til the next morning. There's a lot he could do to change that - without giving up his nights out. X

AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 06:29:03

I don't care that he goes out its just the rest of it like you said but I don't know how else I can get him to change, he knows it upsets me, he admits he'd go nuts if I did it, he promises never to do it again but he keeps doing it and if I keep making empty threats nothing will ever change will it

AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 06:29:51

Now his phones off angry

YorkshireDeb Sat 12-Jan-13 06:32:11

No, I don't think it will. Just make sure if you walk out you mean it. It's a risky game just to do it hoping he'll change his ways. X

YorkshireDeb Sat 12-Jan-13 06:33:00

Grrrr! That would REALLY make me mad. X

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