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To be upset by this

(68 Posts)
milf90 Wed 02-Jan-13 19:22:32

Oh and I have been together 3 years this year, have lo (17 months) together and we have just bought our first house together. A few weeks ago I walked in on oh and friend talking about us getting engaged - oh said it wouldn't be long. Neither of them knew I overheard this. I was so excited, I have been looking forward to this pretty much for the last 2 years ;)

That weekend sil announced she had gotten engaged. I was so happy for her, she has been with df 7 years and we thought he was never going to ask.

Fil popped round the next day and asked if we knew and then said "well you 2 won't be able to get married until after they are married now" my heart broke a bit tbh, it had gone through my mind that that might be the case (I don't want to step on any bodies toes!) but then reasonably, it doesn't matter does it really? As long as we don't book it on the same day?! She was planning a long engagement at first too, which made it worse, but now she's decided on spring 14. (I had in my head summer 14 depending on if he proposes of course!)

Mil keeps asking me if I want a joint wedding, which I find quite funny since oh hasn't proposed!

I'm just a bit heartbroken i guess, I had gotten all excited in my head about it, mentally planning it, I worked out that financially we could afford it by the end of this year (sil is in loads of debt and would be borrowing more to pay for it!!), we want another lo after we are married (not before!) and don't want a huge age gap, 3 years we decided was optimum, so timing would be nearly perfect if we Ttc after wedding.

Am I a complete bitch for feeling so upset (and jealous!) about this? I honestly wish her all the luck and happiness in the world but I find it so upsetting that 1. I feel my dreams are being shattered and 2. Frustrated that we are being sensible and she isn't

We were also talking about weddings over Xmas and fil again reiterated his point that we would have to wait and save up first (tell that to bloody sil ;)) and that would take ages - I said actually it wouldn't because we want to cost cut as much as poss because neither of us want to spend a lot of money when we have a lo and want to get a bigger house in the next 5 years. My dream wedding would be around 6 grand (short notice all inclusive) - fil said where's this then, so I told him and mows he's bloody gone and told sil!!! Is it me or is this just a horrible thing to do?? I literally could cry!!!!

Isityouorme Wed 02-Jan-13 19:27:38

As long as you don't have the wedding in the same month, so what? I am assuming your PIL aren't paying so it as nothing to do with them when the date is. One wedding in spring and one in summer is fine. Not really sure what the problem is....

kinkyfuckery Wed 02-Jan-13 19:28:57

Your FIL telling your SIL about your wedding plans is U, but you shouldn't really be discussing them much if you've no engagement as yet.

YABabitU, IMO. Your SIL getting married shouldn't effect your plans at all. Sounds like it's likely to all go a bit Bridezilla

thebody Wed 02-Jan-13 19:30:23

Bit confused here. Have you or your oh proposed? If he hasn't and you want to then why don't you propose to him?

Its none of your relatives business when you marry unless you are expecting them to pay for it.

Ignore fil and talk to oh. Set date and then let everyone know.

You sound like a straw in the wind. Tell them to butt out.

BOFingResolutions Wed 02-Jan-13 19:31:27

How have your dreams been shattered? I'm confused. Just do what you like and stop gossiping about it with your biddy of a FIL.

littlewhitebag Wed 02-Jan-13 19:31:59

But your OH hasn't even proposed yet! Bide your time and be happy for your SIL. You will hopefully get your dream wedding in due course. Surely it doesn't matter who knows where you would like to have your wedding.

BOFingResolutions Wed 02-Jan-13 19:34:19

Oh, and about the 'proposal'? That ship has sailed now you've got a kid and a mortgage: you just discuss it TOGETHER like adults in charge of your own life. This isn't 1954, and you ain't Rapunzel.

I think if you were a bit more realistic and less reliant on the whims of others about all this, you'd be a lot happier.

Sorry but you do sound a little bit Bridezilla before you are even engaged. I think you are focussing an awful lot on what is essentially one day of your life.

RyleDup Wed 02-Jan-13 19:37:14


milf90 Wed 02-Jan-13 19:37:49

The issue is she is looking into having her wedding there now, the place means nothing to her but its where I wanted to get married since I was little and we are very lucky that they have deals so that we can consider being able to afford it.

The timing is my question too? Is it wrong (if oh proposes) to have one so close together. I wouldn't expect any money from pil, but I think they feel they have to because they are giving sil lots of money towards it. Oh has already told mil that we don't want any money from them.

I know it sounds out but we do talk about getting married. Mil wants us to get married so she keeps bringing up when she can.

I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense, I think I needed to rant and get it out of my system more than anything.

DonderandBlitzen Wed 02-Jan-13 19:38:02

The fact that your SIL might get into debt by getting married and you are sensible with money is irrelevant, but I don't see why your SIL getting married means you need to change your plans at all. Your FIL sounds a bit too involved in your potential wedding when your dp hasn't yet proposed. He needs to keep his beak out. There is no reason why you shouldn't get married in Summer 2014 if you want to. Why not raise the subject with your dp. It doesn't have to be only the man who gets to decide when you marry.

milf90 Wed 02-Jan-13 19:38:55

Oh wants to propose his way, there's no talking about it or me doing it

ZebraInHiding Wed 02-Jan-13 19:40:11

Why are you discussing wedding plans with the il's if you aren't even engaged? confused

BOFingResolutions Wed 02-Jan-13 19:40:44

If you already discuss marriage and know where/how you want to do it, why don't you just book the bloody thing? And why are you letting his parents have so much to do with how you run your own life? I don't get it.

gordyslovesheep Wed 02-Jan-13 19:42:15

blimey - you aren't engaged yet and already you are bridezillaing - grip needed x

DonderandBlitzen Wed 02-Jan-13 19:42:40

Ah. I hadn't realised your FIL would be making payments for the weddings. He's probably worried whether he can afford both. Just make the announcement and reassure him that you will be paying for it. (He could always help towards the cost of your new house later on if he wanted things to be equal.) Did your SIL know you would want to get married in the same place she has chosen or was it a coincidence?

Snazzynewyear Wed 02-Jan-13 19:44:04

Since you and your partner seem to have decided you are getting married and where it fits in the rest of your life plans, why not just go ahead and agree you're engaged and set the date? Being engaged is actually about deciding you are definitely going to get married - it's not just about having the ring! Go and talk to him right now and sort it out. If it's important to you, he can kneel down and propose right now in the living room, but to keep dragging it out seems daft.

Once that's out of the way, you can decide all the other arrangements. You get to decide where and when you get married and how much you spend (certinly if you're funding it yourselves), not your in-laws or anyone else. Oh, and there's no law saying couples have to get married in date order from when they get engaged. Just pick the time that works for you.

The bonus of all this is that once it's decided, it doesn't matter who else knows what your plans are or who they tell. It's about your actual arrangements and yours and your partner's wishes, as it should be.

DonderandBlitzen Wed 02-Jan-13 19:44:34

"Oh wants to propose his way, there's no talking about it or me doing it "

Well tell him he had better get a move on then or you may start considering other offers. wink

splintersinmebum Wed 02-Jan-13 19:45:57

Eh? OH wants to propose "his way" and refuses to discuss it?

Snazzynewyear Wed 02-Jan-13 19:46:30

Have just read your later post. In that case, you are basically accepting that you have no power over organising the details of this event that is very important to you, and that this is already making you anxious and unhappy. I think a chat with your partner is in order to make your feelings clear. What exactly is he waiting for?

DonderandBlitzen Wed 02-Jan-13 19:47:41

I wouldn't delay ttc until after you are married in the hope of having a 3 year gap if i were you. You don't know how long it will take to get pregnant and the wedding could end up taking place later than you thought, which could delay the start of ttc.

mrscog Wed 02-Jan-13 19:50:28

YANBU to feel upset about your venue being looked at, but SIL may not choose it anyway.

I don't see why you have to have your wedding after hers - as long as they're not so close that things overlap just have your wedding whenever you want it!

Proudnscaryvirginmary Wed 02-Jan-13 19:50:34

God I really don't get this waiting for the bloke to propose when you both know he's going to do it! It's like those women who say 'we're getting engaged next year' WTAF?

And It seems to be a family obsessed with weddings.

We got married two weeks before my cousin and no-one batted an eye lid. They got engaged first shockshockshock

BOFingResolutions Wed 02-Jan-13 19:52:15

Eh? I wouldn't plan any more babies with someone who wants to make you sit up and bloody beg for the treat of an engagement ring! How ridiculous.

floweryblue Wed 02-Jan-13 19:57:25

So, OH is planning to propose but hasn't proposed the way he wants to yet, SIL is excited about her wedding and listening to great ideas being talked about in the family, FIL is talking through somewhere other than his mouth, you are in a financial position to get married when and how you want to. Not sure what the problem is?

Is there any chance you or OH could talk to SIL and explain the importance of your preferred venue to you? I am sure she would understand why you would prefer not to have the same venue (assuming it's not the family church or anything).

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