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to think certain of my single friends are single because they are just far too fussy

(136 Posts)
Croccy1979 Wed 02-Jan-13 14:24:28

Got several friends in their 30s who are still single and go on about it the whole time. They are all very attractive, interesting, fun, intelligent, have good jobs etc.

I do sympathise to a point, but AIBU to suggest that perhaps they should be a bit less fussy? OK so not suggesting they should go out with any old Tom, Dick or Harry as you need certain standards, but AIBU to think maybe they should sometimes 'give it a go' with someone who seems to have some potential rather than just rejecting men instantly if they don't tick all their boxes.

I was slightly unsure about DP for our first few dates as he was very shy and I didn't think he was my type, but now I am head over heels in love and would not be without him. So so very glad I gave him a shot grin and didn't write him off.

Also feel like my friends are sometimes not very self-aware - one friend refused to date a guy as he didn't have his own home and car (neither does she) and another rejected a guy because he was slightly overweight (she is hardly Kate Moss herself)........

They also seem to be attracted to good looking / trendy guys who are obviously complete plonkers - fair enough when you are 21 but thought people would have cottoned on and learnt to identify the good guys by the time they hit 30.........

Not meaning to be unsympathetic with this post, just thinking of the best ways to help my friends help themselves so to speak.

LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake Wed 02-Jan-13 14:31:16

I think they are too fussy over the wrong things.

It's shallowness rather than anything else. No one should pick someone just because they're good looking and own their own home.

People rarely look for what's important unless they're self aware. Your mates don't sound particularly self aware.

CloudsAndTrees Wed 02-Jan-13 14:35:48

Well, I wouldn't date a guy that lived with his parents and didn't have a car, not unless I knew him and all his good points already. I just wouldn't find him attractive.

I do think people can be too fussy, but at the same time I think that those things will all matter much less when they meet someone they are really attracted to. I know my DH didn't tick many of my boxes on paper when I met him, but I liked him so much I didn't care. Then I realised that the things I thought were important to me weren't, and I saw that some things I hadn't considered before were more important than I'd have thought.

HollyBerryBush Wed 02-Jan-13 14:38:26

I agree with you - one of the most funny ironic posts I read on this forum went along the lines of "I'm a few stone overweight but I really like footballer types" and she meant as in fit, muscular rather than the Sunday Beer Belly League over the local park!

The options to be fussy reduce as you get older. Once you hit your mid/late 30's and your fertility becomes questionable or you have (what is euphamistically referred to as 'baggage') - the woman her self becomes a less viable commodity - so being picky and sticking with teen like ideals of tall/dark/handsome/solvent/own home can go right down the pan and need to be revisited with tallish/greying/lived in face/hands over his salary to exwife.

We all age and compromise is a part of that. But to put that in perspective, no one should settle for second best just because they missed the boat first time round.

Croccy1979 Wed 02-Jan-13 14:38:37

He didn't live with his parents, he just didn't own his own home (he rented).

I wouldn't go out with a guy who lived with his parents either, unless there was an exceptionally good explanation for it!

floatyjosmum Wed 02-Jan-13 14:38:50

Are you friends with a friend of mine???

She drives me nuts - really lovely, pretty, good job etc. meetsmen who like her but they don't tick ALL the boxes and there's no spark. She then talks about how great my dh is and she wants someone just like him but doesn't get that the first time I met him I wasn't that pressed and it was only after the 2nd date that I would have even said he was nice! This spark that she talks about took a while!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Wed 02-Jan-13 14:40:22

Maybe they like being single.

Having a partner isn't the be all and end all!

Lueji Wed 02-Jan-13 14:40:53

It depends on why he lived with parents and why he didn't have a car.

Not having a car, ok if he lived in London and didn't need it. Not so much if he lived in the country.
Or ok, if he had a physical reason not to drive.
Probably the same about living with parents.

And ok, if he was saving to buy somewhere, for example.

It depends on their relationship. Some men don't live with their parents and are much more dependent on them then someone living at home.

digerd Wed 02-Jan-13 14:41:23

Well, your friends do have high standards, and am so pleased you gave your mr nice guy a chance - I like nice men and can't stand the arrogant type.
But you can't help them change their minds. I think the older a woman gets,
the more she lets her head rule her hearts, than when they were younger.

I was 31 when I met my DH, and it was love at first sight, but he turned out to be everything I had always wanted, including the romantic feelings. He was also shy, but gorgeous looking and so sweet. I had almost given up on meeting my dream man.

Lueji Wed 02-Jan-13 14:41:45

She then talks about how great my dh is and she wants someone just like him

Are you sure she doesn't want him? hmm

Croccy1979 Wed 02-Jan-13 14:41:47

If they like being single, why do they spend the whole time moaning about it and on internet dating sites searching for the one?!

Croccy1979 Wed 02-Jan-13 14:44:08

Lueji He didn't live with parents, just rented as opposed to having own property.

digerd Wed 02-Jan-13 14:44:11

Oh, and he did live with parents at 37 and I was his first relationship.

manicbmc Wed 02-Jan-13 14:45:24

My 'tick boxes' were: must be kind; must put up with my teens; must make me laugh; must cherish me and be totally faithful.

Found! The fact that he is tall, dark, handsome and 10 years younger than me is a bonus. But those things aren't important. grin

HollyBerryBush Wed 02-Jan-13 14:45:31

The average for males leaving the parental home is currently 36 - which I find amazing. However it is pointless slinging out money on rent if you can stay at home

wanderingalbatross Wed 02-Jan-13 14:45:45

DH was saying the same thing about some of his friends the other day. They are all successful professional types who are attractive, intelligent, interesting etc, but they refuse to compromise on anything and are eternally single because of it.

On the one hand, I like the romantic ideal that you shouldn't have to compromise when finding a partner. But you can take it too far and miss out on dating some people who you really would hit it off with if you gave them a chance.

But there are some things you definitely shouldn't compromise on. A friend of mine desperately wants marriage and kids, but his girlfriend doesn't, and he stays with her because he thinks he won't be able to meet anyone else sad So you need to think about what you will and won't compromise on.

SledYuleCated Wed 02-Jan-13 14:46:43

My old housemate had a list detailing exactly what she wanted in a man, in terms of appearance, height, interests, income, level of education etc. It even not entirely jokingly included blood type hmm

She eventually found him. He is the most odious twat I have ever met who treats her like a skivvy and has her running after him constantly. But, hey, he meets the criteria hmm sad

SledYuleCated Wed 02-Jan-13 14:47:29

Meant to say, they had to meet the criteria before they were even allowed a first date.

Fakebook Wed 02-Jan-13 14:48:50

I knew a girl like this once. Ok she was quite pretty but nothing sensational and she was looking for someone good looking. She always complained she had strings of Oxford grads and polo playing rich types pining to go out with her, but they were all too ugly. Don't know what happened in the end, I think she may still be single.

KellyEllyChristmasBelly Wed 02-Jan-13 14:50:28

I'm single and very fussy but have become that way after dating one complete arsehole and being married to someone who I wasn't suited to and should have really just been makes with. My dad is always telling me I'm too fussy, need to find someone and be happy etc but to be honest I'm happy being single. I have a really young DD and to be honest any potential partner would have to tick a lot of boxes otherwise I wouldn't even bother as life is full enough already.

SledYuleCated Wed 02-Jan-13 14:56:27

I Guess that's the difference, Kelly; the friend I mentioned was desperate for a boyfriend but would turn men down before even going on a date with them for things like not having a degree or not eating enough money.

shesariver Wed 02-Jan-13 14:57:49

Cant believe people would be that shallow not to date a man without a car or who lives with his parents - and that includes you OP. In this day and age adults can live with their parents for all sorts of reasons and just to dismiss someone based on this is rather horrible.

bleedingheart Wed 02-Jan-13 14:58:57

There are defintely some people who have very stringent selection processes that remove chemistry and sponteneity from a 'courtship' imho.

Its wise to have areas on which you won't compromise (i.e. whether you want an open relationship or not!) but identifying careers/salary/hobbies etc is so lacking in romance!

EldritchCleavage Wed 02-Jan-13 15:01:53

You definitely should 'compromise' when it comes to dates, though not necessarily relationships. Some rigid template applied to anyone before you will even go for a drink with them is silly.

That said, I appeared to be such a friend once, and being told I was 'too fussy' I found upsetting. What my close confidantes knew, was that I was terrified, had a lot of issues I thought would put nice men off, and a history of sexual abuse and rape that meant intimacy was a very frightening prospect even though I was yearning for a relationship. People used to try and fix me up with friends and I just could not cope with it. So, be kind even though you're exasperated-who knows what might be behind the 'fussiness'?

floatyjosmum Wed 02-Jan-13 15:02:38

to be honest dh and i laugh about it but it does get a bit wierd sometimes! his mother would prefer him to be married to her - but thats a whole other thread.

My friend was asked out by 2 of dh's friends - who are lovely and tbh very similar to him. one i have no idea why she said no but he now has a gf and she did appear to be put out, the other - he's in a band that is actually doing well but he has been to uni and is now doing his pgce - not likely to be on x factor or bgt if you know what i mean!

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