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to be upset with my friend over this?

(144 Posts)
7evendwarves Tue 01-Jan-13 23:59:03

have NCed.

Background: Very close friend. When I was dating my partner (now ex) she became friends with him. I have no objection to them remaining friends. I am now in a new relationship and dp does not want me to see ex p for various. I am respecting this and friend knows about this.

NYE I was to go for drinks/dinner with friend and her dp, then to a house party together. This has been the plan for quite some time as we always spend NYE together. We have been talked about plans several times over the past few weeks. The day before NYE she tells me she has invited ex p to drinks. I am upset that she a/ I now won't be able to go and b/ she didn't tell me this earlier. I then had to make last minute other plans and was upset at not being able to spend NYE with her like I planned.

Am I in need of a grip? I have no objection to friend being friends with ex p but when she knows that I cannot see him, and continues to invite him to social occasions then she knows I won't be able to come, it annoys me. She also invited him previously to another occasion and lied to me about it, so I didn't know till I got there and he was there - was rather awkward for all concerned.

squeakytoy Wed 02-Jan-13 00:00:35

is there any reasonable reason why your current partner is being controlling?

WorraLorraTurkey Wed 02-Jan-13 00:02:30

Perhaps she's of the opinion that your new DP doesn't own you and has no right to tell you who you can see socially?

Cathycomehome Wed 02-Jan-13 00:02:31

Why is your partner worried about you spending time with your ex? Why are you?

millie30 Wed 02-Jan-13 00:02:38

Maybe she thinks that your new DP is being unreasonable telling you who you can and can't be in the same room as. Unless I'm reading it wrong, you haven't said that you don't want to see your ex, only that you're not allowed to.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:04:48

No I haven't said why because the reasons are rather complicated. He knows ex and has reasons to dislike him - not saying ex is a bad person but they don't get along. I would rather this wasn't the case but am respecting dp's wishes.

MagicHouse Wed 02-Jan-13 00:04:48

I agree the problem is with your current partner. Are YOU happy to see your ex, and if so, what's is problem with your partner meeting him?

dickiedavisthunderthighs Wed 02-Jan-13 00:05:40

It's not your friend you should be getting cross with here, she's allowed to invite who she wants. It's your DP who's the problem; who is he to tell you you can't go to a social event because your ex is there?!

WorraLorraTurkey Wed 02-Jan-13 00:06:19

So they don't get on.

But why mustn't you see your ex socially? confused

MagicHouse Wed 02-Jan-13 00:06:26

In that case - big red flags with your partner. In this situation, he should be respecting YOUR wishes.

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 02-Jan-13 00:07:31

Just because you can't see your Ex shouldn't mean that she can't.

millie30 Wed 02-Jan-13 00:09:56

Then really it's not a case of your friend chosing your ex over you, as there is no legitimate reason why you can't be in the same room as him. Your new DP may be dictating your social life but that doesn't mean he gets to dictate hers.

JustAHolyFool Wed 02-Jan-13 00:10:26

As others have said, it's your partner that's the problem here, not your friend.

HildaOgden Wed 02-Jan-13 00:10:36

Wow.So now your Dp's orders are not only being obeyed by you,you think they should be obeyed by your friend?

Take a step back and have a good hard look at the reasoning behind this.Even if there is a good reason to avoid being in the company of your ex (and by that I mean violence or similar),then it should be you making that judgement call,and not your current partner.

As your friend sees no problem staying socialable with your ex,and you see no problem with her being friends with him,I'm guessing he ain't too much of a shit to warrant this.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:10:37

Boney I have never said that she can't. Just that I would rather she wouldn't invite him knowing that we had already made plans and I then wouldn't be able to come. She knows him through me, so hasn't known him that long.

He has reasons for not liking ex which I can understand, though not necessarily agree with. I would be happy to see ex if this wasn't the situation - but then I don't really think he would want to see me.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:11:58

I just feel in a difficult situation as I don't want to hurt dp, but don't want to not see friend because of this.

WorraLorraTurkey Wed 02-Jan-13 00:12:21

Yeah you said he has reasons for not liking your ex.

But what are his reasons for you not being able to see him socially?

Why does he get to control who you see on a night out? confused

JustAHolyFool Wed 02-Jan-13 00:13:12

I really don't get this. My partner has a couple of friends I don't really like. I don't stop him seeing them though and it doesn't bother me that he seems them. If he tried to stop me seeing someone...well, he just wouldn't, but I certainly wouldn't just let him stop me seeing someone.

millie30 Wed 02-Jan-13 00:15:03

If you don't agree with your DP's reasons for disliking your ex then why are you going along with it?

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:15:31

His reasons for not wanting me to see him is thinking that he isn't a nice person, and perhaps insecurity on his part.

I don't agree with him stopping me from seeing him, but don't have a choice about this.

WorraLorraTurkey Wed 02-Jan-13 00:16:27

I don't agree with him stopping me from seeing him, but don't have a choice about this.

Of course you have a choice, you have the ability to speak don't you? confused

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 02-Jan-13 00:16:41

He can disliking your ex. That's fine. He's an adult, he can choose who he socialises with. Shock horror - so can you. Why the hell are you putting up with being told who you can and can't be in the same room with? Is he so insecure he thinks you will run off with your ex?

If you think your ex wont want to see you, then why don't you go and if you are there, he can leave?

Stop being so controlled by these two men.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:17:36

Worra I have told him I'm not happy about him stopping me seeing ex p but he is very insistent on it, and for the easy life I have agreed not to see him.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 02-Jan-13 00:17:39

What do you mean 'I don't have a choice'?

millie30 Wed 02-Jan-13 00:18:00

Why don't you have a choice? If you genuinely feel that you don't have choices in a new relationship then that would suggest your new DP is very controlling. I also wonder if he has hit upon a clever way to alienate you from your friends with this tactic.

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