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To feel upset and tearful about staying with SIL

(211 Posts)
Ghanagirl Thu 13-Dec-12 21:04:24

i'll try and keep this brief, we are having our house extended it was supposed to be finished mid November, but has overran despite builders saying if we moved out it would be completed in 4 months!
We initially rented a small flat (me DH plus 2 kids) but lease ran out last week and due to tight finances we moved in with DH's sister her husband plus their two kids who are older but attend same primary school. I really didn't want to move in with them but as I'm not working and finances tight plus DH putting me under pressure felt like no other choice, (my mum made it clear her house too small)
Anyway since we've been here I've done all school runs which is quite stressful as the older two (DH's nieces) are used to getting up late and generally being late for school I pick all kids up and even drop older twonto activities, but I'm getting really stressed and tired as when SIL gets home from work she has taken to going to rest while I try and manage all kids homework dinner etc, my two are now starting to play up and I'm on the edge of tears most days. Advice please I'm dreading Christmas we are supposed to be back in our house next week but can't see it happeningsad

LittleBairn Thu 13-Dec-12 21:09:40

I can see why your upset as your being used for free babysitting but they are helping you out too.
Are you paying them anything for room and board?
If not then I would say the set up was fair.

deleted203 Thu 13-Dec-12 21:15:01

I don't mean to be unsympathetic, and I appreciate life feels tough, but I gather that there are 4 primary school kids and your SIL works? Does that not mean that from roughly 9 - 3 you are free whilst she is working? I can see that evenings are tiring for you, but presumably you've had the day off in the meantime with only yourself at home?

chrismissymoomoomee Thu 13-Dec-12 21:15:43

Imagine going to work all day and then coming back to a totally crowded house where you can't relax like you usually do because you have guests.

I think it seems reasonable since they are doing you a huge favour thats inpacting on their lives tbh.

Can your DH help you out more?

drjohnsonscat Thu 13-Dec-12 21:20:31

Not sure what I am missing here but it sounds as though they are doing you a huge favour - one your mum wasn't willing to do. I don't think you are doing too much in return. Unless I am misunderstanding this.

ENormaSnob Thu 13-Dec-12 21:20:50


And what sow said.

Ghanagirl Thu 13-Dec-12 21:21:48

I'm not paying rent but doing all the cooking cleaning and shopping including paying for food, when I'm at home in the day the heating not on plus I'm cooking for 4 kids plus 4 adults not sure who did all the childcare before but don't think because I'm a stay at home mum I should be treated like an unpaid babysitter

honeytea Thu 13-Dec-12 21:24:02


They are doing you a massive favour the least you can do is the school run and after school activities.

Why not make dinner in the day time when the DC are at school, what do you actually do all day?

chrismissymoomoomee Thu 13-Dec-12 21:24:06

Its still a massive imposition to have 4 extra people living in your house for an indefinite amount of time. What would you have done if thy hadn't taken you in?

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Thu 13-Dec-12 21:24:11

Are there children at home during the day.?

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Thu 13-Dec-12 21:24:45

Are there children at home during the day.?

flossy101 Thu 13-Dec-12 21:25:07

Are you free in the day? I'd say its fair enough really considering they are letting you stay. Where would you be otherwise?

BIWIshYouAMerryChristmas Thu 13-Dec-12 21:25:52

Why isn't the heating on during the day?

spookysal Thu 13-Dec-12 21:27:04

It's 4 children not 400.

There are plenty of people who do what you are doing every single day.

I think in your situation, it's all about compromise. Suck it up and deal with it. It's not forever and be grateful she is letting you live with them. She could probably start a thread about you .. AIBU SIL home all day but won't help out with the children dispite living with me rent free..

Ghanagirl Thu 13-Dec-12 21:27:34

I guess all the replies are from working mums,I might add that they stayed with us 6 years ago before I had my 2 and I was then working but still helped her out with childcare as she was working mum

ENormaSnob Thu 13-Dec-12 21:27:36

You are not an unpaid babysitter.

And they are not running a free hotel.

honeytea Thu 13-Dec-12 21:28:21

Cooking for 8 rather than 4 is just a case of doubling the recipe, so long as you are not cooking 8 different meals I can't see that it is much harder.

I think that because you are a sahm you should be treated like a sahm (childcare, cleaning, cooking) it is only fair that you do that for all the family in exchange for somewhere free to live.

If you have the option to move out then move out, if you don't you need to get over it and get on with it for the sake of keeping a roof above your children's heads.

SantasComingEarlyHisSackIsFull Thu 13-Dec-12 21:29:36

I think your DH needs to step up and take some of the pressure off. He was the one who wanted this and pushed for it, so he needs to support you physically and emotionally. I think living in such a crowded space and being obliged to people for putting you up for this length of time sounds unbearable. We went on a very expensive holiday far far away this summer to visit DBIL and family. We stayed with the family for 5 days in their huge house and it still felt too close to comfort for me. No fallings out (apart from kids), but I am anxious not to repeat it. It puts one under too much obligation for any length of time.

What would happen if you didn't cook one night? If you said you wanted someone else to take a turn?

drjohnsonscat Thu 13-Dec-12 21:30:07

Don't turn this into a working mothers thing. The fact is if you are at home all day and the kids are at school you should be looking for ways to contribute. Or leave and go to a hotel and suck up the cost. No?

Ghanagirl Thu 13-Dec-12 21:30:41

Spookysal. She could hardly say I'm not helping with childcare as I'm doing all childcare including help with homework! Plus she asked us to stay and now I can see why!

TinyDancingHoofer Thu 13-Dec-12 21:30:44


And put a jumper on if you are cold in the day.

BIWIshYouAMerryChristmas Thu 13-Dec-12 21:30:54

What did you really expect everyone to say?

And what would you have been doing during the day if you were living in your own house? Surely you're doing the same kind of thing? You're just cooking for more people.

However, I get that supervising homework for other children would be stressful and I really don't think your SIL/BIL should be abdicating responsibility for that.

CaptainVonTrapp Thu 13-Dec-12 21:31:57

Why don't you switch the heating on?

spookysal Thu 13-Dec-12 21:33:05

Forget six years ago. You can't call in a debt that is six years ago this is why families drive me crazy

I don't work anymore. DD1 is at school and dd2 is at home with me. My days are easy. I do the school run. Cook dinner and do the after school activities. It's rocket science or particularly exhausting.

What I don't understand is why it's your SIL that you think should be helping you out. What about the other two adults in the house? If they all work full time then they are all on an equal footing in my book. I don't think you need any help but if you do then don't just look at your SIL, it's quite sexist.

SantasComingEarlyHisSackIsFull Thu 13-Dec-12 21:33:19

Never mind "put a jumper on during the day". Put the fucking heating on during the day. You sound miserable and at the brunt of everyone else's convenience. What is your DH doing to support you? It is his sister?

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