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To think the children's dad

(42 Posts)
FateLovesTheFearless Thu 22-Nov-12 07:01:48

Should still take the children tonight as per our usual child contact agreement?

We have four children 7 and under. On Sunday ds1 was sick twice at his dads. On Tuesday ds2 was sick one. And yesterday just after college (full time student,lone parent) I started and have been unwell right through the night.

The children's father has said he won't take them tonight as he doesn't want the sickness bug. I have a house needing sorted out and whilst they haven't been sick in the past 24 hours they are all miserable with colds and I have had two hours sleep. Aibu to think he should still be taking them?

Hopingforno2 Thu 22-Nov-12 07:05:06

Isnt it a bit late for him to be worried about catching it if ur ds was already sick at his anyway?!

Sirzy Thu 22-Nov-12 07:07:01

Yanbu. He can't pick and choose when he parents

FateLovesTheFearless Thu 22-Nov-12 07:08:44

Yes that was one of my thoughts too. I guess it just annoys me that he thinks he is now somehow exempt from parenting unless its the fun stuff. hmm you didn't see me refusing to take them on the Monday morning because 'I don't want the sickness bug' but I may be being a bit unreasonable with so little sleep and dehydration! confused

OHforDUCKScake Thu 22-Nov-12 07:15:53

He is being totally unreasonable!

FateLovesTheFearless Thu 22-Nov-12 07:22:38

I also don't know what to do about college, I really want to go (love my course) and don't want to miss out on work. I haven't thrown up since ten last night (unfortunately the through the night thing was the other delight of the dv bug but has stopped now too) WIBU to still try go to college and sleep the moment I get home tonight until tomorrow morning

Hopingforno2 Thu 22-Nov-12 07:27:52

Id point out that a) they r his kids too! And b) chances r if he is going to catch it he has already! Dont think id go to college tho rnt u meant to 48 hours clear both ends before returning to work/college and would u enjoy it while still feeling rubbish x

NotaDisneyMum Thu 22-Nov-12 07:30:36

I think it depends what the care arrangement for your DCs is and why its the way it is.

If he's a reluctant Dad and won't consider shared care, and you struggle to keep contact up, then YANBU.

If he's repeatedly asked for more contact and a more equal role in his DCs lives but you have refused, then YABU to expect to be able to dictate when he parents his DCs and when he doesn't.

<disclaimer: my opinion may be clouded by the fact that my DP had to go to court to have any contact with his DCs and a few weeks later their Mum refused to change arrangements because of her work and insisted that the DCs stay with him even though they were unwell, crying and asking for Mum>

xkcdfangirl Thu 22-Nov-12 07:32:25

What Sirzy said. I would tell him that they are his kids whether they are sick or well, and if he doesn't take his turn then you will be applying to have the contact agreement reduced to reflect his lack of commitment.

fusspot66 Thu 22-Nov-12 07:38:28

Please don't go to college spreading your bug. You should be 48 hours symptom free before you return to school etc

KittyFane1 Thu 22-Nov-12 07:42:48

My thought too, you should stay away from college if you are ill. 48 hrs after sickness. Also, against the grain but I wouldn't send sick DC to their dad's. When you're ill you want to be at home not going to stay somewhere else. Sorry

fusspot66 Thu 22-Nov-12 07:43:57

Oh and on a kinder note.... Ignore the prat and enjoy snuggle time with cbeebies etc drink sugary pop, eat salty crisps and get well soon.

altinkum Thu 22-Nov-12 07:45:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Thu 22-Nov-12 07:59:27

Tbh, when my dc are ill I'd rather keep them at home. It's where they will be most comfortable. My ex is brilliant and would still take them, and he does try to make his home their home too as much as he can, but children need to have one primary home IMO, it just gets too complicated otherwise. When people are ill, they tend to like to be in their own home and in their own bed, children are no different.

Could your ex help by getting some shopping for you or something? I also think you need to stay at home if you were sick last night. You could still spread the bug around very easily, and you don't know who else might catch it and have worse consequences from it than you.

ballroomblitz Thu 22-Nov-12 08:08:17

Fairweather fathers annoy me.

Ds's dad is like this to the point he never even shared a night staying with ds when he landed in hospital at the start of the year. I was pregnant and had to spend four night sleeping on a chair in a ward of sick kids. Once ds got home he wouldn't take him as 'when he's sick he stays with his mum'. I don't mind in a way as I know when I'm sick I still want my mum grin but the fact he gives me no option bugs me.

I would stay off college today and snuggle up with a kids having a lazy day.

KittyFane1 Thu 22-Nov-12 08:25:11

There is no way I would send poorly DC there. What good will it do them?

EMS23 Thu 22-Nov-12 08:31:35

He ought to be taking his kids as normal and you shouldn't give him a choice in the matter.

As an aside, my DSS has a home here with his father and I, just as much as at his mums. If the father is a willing good father, sharing care of his kids then the idea of two homes should be encouraged. Reinforcing the idea that mums home is the 'primary' home is really unfair on the dad.
Kids are pretty adaptable you know, I see it work in my own home everyday.

Justforlaughs Thu 22-Nov-12 08:31:47

It's not fair that he doesn't have them when it's hard and I have no sympathy with him not wanting to catch the bug but I also think that you DCs would probably be happier with you and you should all just chill for a couple of days in front of the tv. You shouldn't go to college either.

diddl Thu 22-Nov-12 08:33:00

If they are "miserable with colds"-wouldn´t they rather just be resting at home?

What do they want to do?

ChaoticismyLife Thu 22-Nov-12 08:42:15

I soooooooo love mn. Dad is an equal parent and they have two homes...until the DC is/are sick then all of a sudden he isn't/they don't confused


NotaDisneyMum Thu 22-Nov-12 09:13:15

chaotic I've rarely seen that attitude on MN though- more often the idea of two homes/shared care is considered detrimental and Dads who pursue that are considered unreasonable.

If one parent has blocked contact or restricted shared care in the past, I don't blame their ex for refusing the DCs when they're sick - if you decide you are going to be primary carer, and sideline the other parent, then you can't expect the DCs to settle with that parent when the DCs are ill and you need a break.

KittyFane1 Thu 22-Nov-12 09:27:51

But do they have two homes or one home and where their dad lives? If separated fathers and mothers really did care for their DC 50/50 there would be no need for child maintainance paid by one to the other. This 50/50 split rarely exists. I wouldn't send my poorly DC to a reluctant ex.

Peanutbutterfingers Thu 22-Nov-12 09:47:49

What do the children want? When my DS (2.10) was sick last week I asked if he wanted to stay and have cuddles with mummy or go to play with daddy and he chose daddy and I was very grown up about that even though I'd held him sitting up all night as it hurt to lie down and been sicked on eleventy million times (when he came home he did tell me 'I missed you sooooo much today')

WhatsTheBuzz Thu 22-Nov-12 10:15:19

KittyFane I second that last comment.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Thu 22-Nov-12 10:47:21

It's not like that Chaotic.

The point is that children shouldn't have two equal homes. They don't need two homes, they need their two parents. There's a difference.

Children are not there to satisfy the parents, it's not like having a caravan shared between two families who should then get exactly the same number of nights to stay in their caravan. They are children, who are people in their own right. I can't say I'd like to live my life between two homes, so I don't see why my ex and I should expect to do that to our children just because we both want to bring them up.

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