AIBU for getting pissed off with DP for being so strict with DD 3.7 Not Saying please and thank you.(43 Posts)
DD does say please and thank you, but also does need reminding an awful lot,
I'm of the opionion that, It is something that she will get eventually with prompting. Every time she is given some thing or asks for something and doesn't say please or thank you, I will remind her. DP is totally the opposite from me, he will say she can't have something or take something away from her, If she doesn't say please or thank you, Cue DD getting very upset and crying, Cue me getting pissed off with him. At what age should they be saying it without being prompted to do so.
I would say she is still a bit young and just needs prompting. He sounds too strict.
My ds1 is 6 and doesn't always remember
He's too busy thinking about far more important things........
Age without prompting- about 15
No matter how good they are at the age of 3 they are going to lapse at some point anyway and need reminding.
i expect labouring it too much is a bad idea- your prompting sounds like just what I used to do. Whilst my DC's need reminding on occasion, I can trust them to behave when out with others and friends' parents always tell me how polite they are, which is what you hope for really.
I personally wouldn't even bother prompting a 3.7 year old to say please and thank you. They will say it by copying if you say it, as and when they're ready. DD is 2.5 and sometimes says it and sometimes doesn't. There's bigger battles to pick IMO.
I have horrible memories of being a child and being forced by my DMum to say 'thank you for having me' to friends' parents after parties/play visits. I found it excruciating and would never want DD to be made to feel like that for, essentially, no good reason at all. DMum also used to hover over me and follow me and prompt me every time she took me to a birthday party to find the birthday child and say 'Happy Birthday'. I still hate saying 'happy birthday' to this day!
I wouldn't let her have it until she's said please/thank you, but it wouldn't be a you didn't say it so you can't have it, ever.
I did a lot of "Pardon?" at that age, or not letting go until they'd said thank you. Neither of mine need prompting now, 9yo & 11yo.
Emsyj, did it never occur to you just to say it, rather than need to have your mother prompting you every time? It sounds to me as if you refused to do it rather than forgot. Which I would find rude.
Sorry OP I think they do need to be prompted. If DD or DS say I want a drink and don't say please, then I say they can have it when they ask politely. I would never punish them for not saying it ( such as you can't have it because you didn't say xyz), but if you don't remind them who will?
Loie, OP says she prompts, but her husbands is the one not even giving the child a chance to be prompted before punishing her.
She should say it before she gets something, how else will she learn that saying it means she gets what she is asking for.
My DD is 21 months and she says please and thank you all the time. I also remind her on the occasion she does forget then when she says it, I pass her whatever it is she wants (usually yet another breadstick).
DS also has lovely manners too (4.10), he needs the odd reminding but a simple look or "pardon" means he knows what I am reminding him of.
They are never too young to learn manners (unless actual baby).
What do you mean he takes something away?
Like if she asks for a drink without saying please, he will take a toy away? That sort of thing? That would be massively OTT. Just a "what do we say" at the end of the sentence should be sufficient.
"Emsyj, did it never occur to you just to say it, rather than need to have your mother prompting you every time? It sounds to me as if you refused to do it rather than forgot. Which I would find rude."
Wow, I will have to transport myself back to being around, I don't know, 4 or 5 years old and ask my childhood self... The whole thing made me incredibly anxious and stressed. That's what my lasting memory is.
I wouldn't find a 4 year old leaving my house without saying 'thank you for having me' (must be those exact words, just 'thank you' won't do) rude, maybe I am odd hey? I would think it would be normal for the parent to say, 'X has had a lovely time, thanks very much, see you soon!' and for child X to have had fun and to smile and wave goodbye (actually this is exactly what happens when my 4 year old neighbours comes over to play with DD) - to find a small child 'rude' for not saying 'thank you for having me' makes my brain boggle a bit I'm afraid. But each to their own.
That isnt what you said though Emsyj, your post came across as though you were like that throughout your childhood.
And to say that you still hate saying Happy Birthday to people now, that is just a bit odd to me.
She's a young child, he's expecting way too much from her, and taking things away is very OTT.
Op can you explain how your DP does it?
The baby says 'drink drink' and I say 'please' and she says 'please' and then I give her the drink.
DS says something grunty meaning he wants something, and I refuse to give him the thing until he asks nicely.
What would your DP do in that situation?
I was forced to say it from my earliest memory - and it made me very anxious, which made me want to say it even less, and yes it continued although I can't remember how old I was when she stopped doing it (probably when I got old enough to just say it and get it over with). Perhaps if it hadn't been so forced on me and she hadn't got so angry and stood behind me saying, 'say thank you for having me' in front of everyone at the party then I would have done it myself much sooner and I wouldn't have had to feel so anxious so often. I think forcing me to say it was a bad idea, and perhaps you don't understand that because it hasn't been your experience - just like you don't understand that saying 'happy birthday' still makes me cringe now. That may sound odd to you, but that is how I actually feel I'm afraid. Feel free to find that/me odd!
My dd is 2&1/2 manners are a huge huge part of building relationships with friends and people they meet away from us.
dd uses please and thank you as she should, if there is no manners she doesn't get it.
She is just learning to say 'i would like' instead of 'i want'
All children that are communicating must have a way of saying please and thank you. dd's cousin is exactly one month older than her he cannot speak yet due to speech delay however uses sign language for thank you.
If he ever forgets to say please / thank you you should give him a taste of his own medicine. A simple 'what do we say' type prompt is all you need when they're small.
I think as soon as a child can speak they should be encouraged to say please and thank you. Both my DCs used ta from 12/18 months then said thank you as soon as they could actually say it. They do still forget at times (6 & 4) but are generally well mannered - probably worse for me but are polite to other people.
I don't think they should be punished at any age as that seems OTT but definitely reminded. I generally pretend I haven't heard properly which is usually enough for my 4 year old. I wouldn't give him whatever he'd ask for until he had said it but wouldn't take things away.
My friends DS was a later speak and used the sign for please/thank you which is lovely.
My 7yo still needs promting, which i think is quite normal for her age. but my 4yo never needs prompting
but that's her personality
I think they will say it when they work out it is nice/a good idea to say it. If DD1(4) doesn't say it I might remind her, but wouldn't force it - what use is a "forced" please/thank-you? It is surely meaningless? I want her to say "thank-you" because she means it, not just because thats what she's been told you have to do IYKWIM?
I try to remember to say please/thank-you at every opportunity as I figure (hope?!) that if I model this behaviour she will copy it <crosses fingers> She did say thank-you to most of the friends who gave her birthday presents last month so I'm hoping my
lazy laid-back approach is working! <crosses toes>
Thanks for all your replies. Nagoo, If DD asks for something and doesn't say please, he won't give it to her or once she has been given something and doesn't say thank you , he will take it back, telling her whilst he is doing it, that she needs to say please or thank you. I have shown him this thread and I think he knows he is being unreasonable and will change his ways. Like I said DD does say please or thank you most of the time, I dont feel like it should become a huge deal for her, It will come in good time. Thanks again for the replies.
3.7 is old enough to mostly add please or thank you to a sentence.
I tend to copy what mine say and add a please or thank you. It's very understated way and I don't expect DC to copy my version.
Alternatively I might pass the oatabix to them over the kitchen table and hold on to it whilst raising my eyebrow to get a please. I'll let go of the cereal once they say the magic word.
I am quite happy to help toddlers learn in a positive way. The only thing I struggle with is my oldest DS's friends. Some of them have no manners and I do think it is very rude.
we also do a lot of ''pardon'' and eventually they get it right. it does turn into a bit of a joke sometimes though.
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