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to be angry that she's changed her mind about going back to work

(345 Posts)
Zealey Mon 27-Feb-12 13:42:05

OK. I'm a man, (so that immediately probably makes me disliked here ;) But, I'd genuniely like a female perspective on this.
I wasn't fussed about having a baby, but my partner was so desperate that I wanted to make her happy. Now baby is here I'm glad I did. BUT. As we are both on low-incomes I said I'd be happy to have a child on the understanding that when our child started nursery she would return to work.
Now our kid has, she's arbitrarily decided that no, she enjoys being a stay at home mum, and if I don't like it I can go shit. No discussion, no compromise.
We will now struggle to survive financially. I'm unhappy about the sexism angle as well: why can't I stay at home having coffee mornings and walks in the park with friends whilst the kid spends the day at the nursery? Why do I have to be the one to go back to work?
Am I being out of order to feel mislead and pissed off?
Thanks for listening, I just needed to vent somewhere...

OrmIrian Mon 27-Feb-12 13:43:45

No, you aren't.

MamaMary Mon 27-Feb-12 13:45:26

Your feelings are understandable.

It would be best to sit down and have a calm talk with her. Tell her how much you appreciate the way she's looked after your child, and then talk about finances. There needs to be discussion.

ChickensHaveNoLips Mon 27-Feb-12 13:46:05

YANBU based on what information you have given.

annalovesmrbates Mon 27-Feb-12 13:46:20

No, YANBU especially as baby is in nursery.

annalovesmrbates Mon 27-Feb-12 13:46:20

No, YANBU especially as baby is in nursery.

Haziedoll Mon 27-Feb-12 13:46:44

"Why can't I stay at home having coffee mornings and walks in the parks with friends whilst the baby is in nursery".

Why are you paying nursery fees?

OnlyWantsOne Mon 27-Feb-12 13:47:22

Essentially YABU

But less because she wants to be a a SAHM and more because you say she refuses to discuss this matter. This is not a good thing at all and would concern me more.

Zealey Mon 27-Feb-12 13:47:35

Thanks. I don't think I'm being unreasonable either smile

Gumby Mon 27-Feb-12 13:47:50

why is your child at nursery? how old is he/she?

CalmaLlamaDown Mon 27-Feb-12 13:47:50

Both go time and share the childcare (coffee mornings)

EirikurNoromaour Mon 27-Feb-12 13:47:58

How old is child? How many days per week at nursery? It's not easy to get a job for 15 hours a week. Although she could work more and you could get tax credits for extra nursery time so YANBU really. It should be s joint decision.

theDevilHasTheBestMNNames Mon 27-Feb-12 13:48:51

Odd not to discuss it with you.

Is she planning to go back when your DC starts school? Is it a childcare issue - she not happy with the options when your DC is not at,what I assume is 15 hours free nursery placement, and she'd have to work? Is she lacking confidence having not worked for a while?

Basically is there more than she doesn't want to work?

WhiteTrash Mon 27-Feb-12 13:49:08

How old is your child? How often is she in nusery? And are you paying for it?

CalmaLlamaDown Mon 27-Feb-12 13:49:38

Meant both go PART TIME, sorry

noinspiration Mon 27-Feb-12 13:49:52

No you aren't out of order, you are completely in the right. You need to talk to her - she is not being fair to you. This is not the 1950s.

prettyfly1 Mon 27-Feb-12 13:50:00

I think that sounds totally fair - women wanted equality and that means sharing the load on both sides. If you need to earn more to pay the bills and you are already working full time then she needs to go back to work, at least part time to support her family. Many women would like to stay at home all the time with their kids but the simple fact of modern life is that for many it is too expensive and you have to try and balance. Based on the info you have given YANBU

PurplePidjin Mon 27-Feb-12 13:50:10

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

timetoask Mon 27-Feb-12 13:50:35

Hi Zealey,
Has she given you reason why she doesn't want to go back to work? has she explained herself? might be worth having an open discussion (calmly) for her to explain her feelings.

By your OP, it sounds to be that your concerns are not 100% financial, but more a little bit of resentment about her "coffee mornings". Trust me, looking after a child is hard work.

NeedlesCuties Mon 27-Feb-12 13:50:58

There are plenty of men on here, doesn't make you automatically disliked.

Does she intend to work part-time hours while the child is at nursery? Or just doesn't want to work at all?

You need to gently talk to her about it, DO NOT whatever you do use your not-so-charming line you said in your OP, "why can't I stay at home having coffee mornings and walks in the park with friends whilst the kid spends the day at the nursery?" as that will straight away get her on the defensive. I can sort of see what you're saying, but don't think she'd want you to tell her that so bluntly!

I can see it from your perspective that you think she wants to have her cake and eat it and that the £ worries are a big weight on your mind.

It might help to write down everything you need to spend £ on in a month - bills, rent, groceries etc and show it to her so that she can see clearly that 2 incomes are needed in your household.

bobbledunk Mon 27-Feb-12 13:51:24

She is being very selfish to drag the whole family into borderline poverty because she likes playing mommy. Tell her to grow up or she's on her own, her 'mummy' friend's won't want to know her when she's on benefitswink.

Zealey Mon 27-Feb-12 13:52:23

Essentially it is that she hated her job and although had a maternity agreement to go back she's now decided that she doesn't want to. Our daughter is I6 months and currently only goes to the nursery for a few hours in the morning, but she wants to increase the time in the coming months. Basically she feels that she was born to be a 'mother' and now doesn't want to be anything else. It's her and the baby and I'm just there to do the tough things like make money, do the cooking, house jobs etc... Grrrrrrrr

cumbria81 Mon 27-Feb-12 13:52:33

but she's not looking after the child? It's in nursery


igggi Mon 27-Feb-12 13:53:47

Assuming the child is at nursery for the free 2.5 hours per day, I think you are somewhat overestimating the amount of free time your wife has.
I do agree it should be discussed, and a compromise probably reached, but it's ridiculous to imply she is staying home to meet friends etc. Some more info about age of child etc would help.

WhiteTrash Mon 27-Feb-12 13:54:10

Then its quite simple, take the chd out of nursery.

If she wants to be a mum, and you cant afford nursery then let her be a mum and stop nursery. It seems quite obvious to me?

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