to ban DD from the trip of a lifetime due to her bad behavior?

[BigMommaOfAlmost4]

DD (13) is due to go to Los Angeles and Las Vegas next month with her grandparents for a family wedding. The rest of us are not going as DC4 will be newborn (or bloody well better be cos I can't cope with these swollen ankles much longer!).

This trip for her is costing us an arm and a leg. The plane ticket was very expensive and I will need to spend at least as much again for her spending money/clothes etc. She will be staying in the the best hotel in Las Vegas and sightseeing in Death Valley etc. She has also just come back from a 5 day European school trip.

Now she is being an absolute COW! She is NOT doing anything serious like getting into trouble with the police, having sex or smoking (so I am wondering I am so bothered about her ) but it is continuous arrogance, disrespect, rudeness, laziness and most importantly, getting into trouble at school. She is on report and has been for the last month, getting detentions and I am getting called up to see the head of year due to her disrupting her classes and being sent out . She has absolutely no respect for the teachers authority. She also makes home life quite unpleasant for us and the DSs as no one can say a word to her about anything. She also lashes out at her brothers. I really don't want a new baby to come into our house with this stress!!

She has been like this since starting secondary school 2 years ago and has been getting worse so it is not something recent and nothing has changed in our lives (except me getting pregnant but she was like this before). At primary school, she was an angel. We have talked to her until we are blue in the face, engaged with the school etc and are now all out of ideas on what to do to change her attitude. She has plenty of attention so I really do not know why she's like this.

After getting another email from her Art teacher (who she seems to enjoy winding up) tonight, I am thinking that banning her from this trip is the only thing to do to make her see we are not going to take this crap from her any longer. AIBU?

[LadyBlaBlah]

Is she a bit hormonal?

[PortiaNovmerriment]

Hmm. I would think that a bit of time away might do her good actually. And I am no soft touch.

I don't see how stopping her going will effect the major turnaround you are hoping for. At least if she goes you will get a break.

[BigMommaOfAlmost4]

Very hormonal.

[Plumm]

Have you told her that if she doesn't improve her behaviour you'll cancel the trip?

[BigMommaOfAlmost4]

Believe me I would love to get shot of her for a while! Calm reigned when she was away last week but it feels like we are rewarding her yet again for terrible behaviour!!

[MostlyLurking]

If the trip is already paid for then get her to 'earn' the trip with chores etc, teach her things have to be paid for one way or another.

[BigMommaOfAlmost4]

Yes Plumm. Told her on Monday that if there were any further shenaigans, she was not going, then I get an email today from school [anger].

I make lots of threats but she knows I will not carry them out which is why I am determined this time I will!!

[janeite]

If you threaten it, then you have to carry it through. I guess you'd lose money in doing so though?

Personally I'd sit her down and say that whilst I didn't wish to be forced into cancelling the trip, I would be expecting certian targets to be met if she requires any new clothes or spending money. Otherwise she goes on the trip in old clothes and without a bean!

[BigMommaOfAlmost4]

Trying to get her to do chores normally ends up with me on the verge of a breakdown having had to ask her to do the same thing for hours and then ending up doing it myself!!

[zandy]

Have you told her how much spending money she will have whilst away? Tell her, this is your spending money, and each day I get a bad report or have to correct you, I will take away x amount from it; so it is her own choice as to how much money she has left to spend.

I think it is probably hormonal.

My own dd was a pain for several years, but is getting an award tomorrow for being a good student at college.

They do improve.

[snice]

Work out how many days till the trip then divide into the spending money you were planning on providing. Show her the sums then tell her each day of acceptable behaviour earns that amount of spending money.

If she misbehaves every day she only gets a token £30 or something for the whole trip.

[MostlyLurking]

Bigmomma, give her a tick list titled how I pay for my trip of a lifetime. List jobs to be done with a date, if that is completed to your standards she gets a tick, if not, she does it again. Tis very simple, very visual.

[snice]

x-posted with zandy -great minds and all that!

[Buzzybb]

I was going to ask the same as Ladyblahblah, my DSis was like this [but also violent and depressed] it was hormonal and she was put on the Pill at 14, and really became a different person. When she came off it the mood swings were unbelievable,
Would you speak to the GP/Nurse and see what they could suggest?
TBH I would send her for the peace, quite and quality time it will give you with new dc

[Dominique07]

Find out if you cancel the flights if you can get some money back. Personally I think you should carry out your threats.

[janeite]

You need to calmly express your expectations eg: re chores. If she doesn't do them, then calmly carry out a consequence - eg remove phone. You don't help her by giving in and doing the chores yourself for an easy life.

[BigMommaOfAlmost4]

TBH I would rather lose the price of the plane ticket than shell out the same again. It would be worth it to teach her a lesson but I would be in bits about it.

I only want her to be happy but not at the cost of her education and our homelife .

[larks35]

You've paid for the trip and it would be wasteful to lose that needlessly. Do you get any time to talk with her without your other DCs around? IME (secondary school teacher) this sort of change in behaviour is obviously a bit hormonal but could also be down to negative friendship groups and maybe if you could have some positive chats alone you might get more insight into her frame of mind. People don't just go from being angels to demons, she is still the girl she was but is struggling to deal with changes (hormones, school, friends?).
Talk to her, say that you are thinking of withdrawing trip due to her behaviour and attitude but would prefer to know what is causing the problems. Set her some small targets to reach to be able to go on this trip, maybe make one of them that she'll chat to you nicely every day and tell you what is going on in her world.
Good luck though, and if she ain't having the trip, could one of your other DCs go?

[Hassled]

I think you should cancel - I think you're right. Teenage girls can be a complete, unmitigated nightmare - my DD was bloody horrific at that age. And I do think I let her get away with way too much shite - part of the problem being that I didn't have enough sanctions. You have a great sanction. It will give you back a degree of authority, hard though it will be.

[Poshwellies]

Trying to get her to do chores normally ends up with me on the verge of a breakdown having had to ask her to do the same thing for hours and then ending up doing it myself!!

Sounds pretty normal,not that I'm saying you should put up with it.In the same boat with attitude with dd who is 15.

Tbh,I wouldn't let her go-why the hell should she have the jolly holiday after her lack of respect for her teachers and mainly YOU.

Feel for you,but stand your guns.Tough shit,she is not pulling her weight at school or at home,no holiday to the USA.

[ivykaty44]

No don't even threaten the trip agian - it will add more stress to you at a time you don't need it.

Sit her down and explain that the trip has cost a lot of money and she is going to have to go - but after this any other school trips etc will be doen begrudingly and only if her behaviour changes.

Stop and seperate attitude form actual bad behaviour so that they are two things.

now ignore the attitude, litterally ignore. Deal only with the behaviour as this is just one thing - not two to deal with.

Ok attutide is teens thing, they have attitude and if the attitude doesn't get noticed - it isn't worth actually doing.

But this will be slow so ignore only punish or comment bad behaviour.

[BigMommaOfAlmost4]

Buzzybb - taking her to GP is something I've been thinking about. She is very agressive. DH does not agree but he does'nt have to deal with her as much as I have to!

Will make an appointment. I can see it her face that she is sometimes shocked by herself when she loses her temper. It's like she can't control herself.

[CakeandRoses]

I would cancel the trip if you'd already threatened before today's email re the art teacher.

Going forward, I would make it very clear what the behaviour expected from her is, e.g. doing chores etc, and also follow through on any threatened punishment.

Might be worth speaking to the school ref family counselling.

Good luck!!

[Goblinchild]

'The plane ticket was very expensive and I will need to spend at least as much again for her spending money/clothes etc. '

Why?
If the hotel provides the meals?
My DD is currently getting board and lodgings. She starts uni in September, but treats and spending money she has to work for and always has. She's lovely, but it's her responsibility to earn the extras.
Let your DD earn the money, one task at a time.
And one of the roads to disaster is to make threats and not follow through, if you have a history of this with her, then you need to try something different.