To be gutted by my parents reaction to reconciliation with DP(27 Posts)
DP and I had a temporary split at the start of May. Faults on both sides. Our problems sprung from struggling with everyday life plus wonderful but demanding preschooler (3yo), little time for 'us', growing apart, sex life dwindling, poor communication. We had been so busy dealing with the 'daily grind' that we really ahd begun to grow apart but I don't think we really realised it was happening.
We had a huge row where I asked him to leave, I didn't mean in TBH, I was just very angry, but he was very offended and left to stay with a friend. We have since taken a long hard look at ourselves and our relationship, realised how much we love each other, identified sticking points, agreed where we need to change and/or compromise. He is now moving back in and we are both delighted. I realise its not all going to be plain sailing but we are both feeling very positive about the future.
The decision to try again has not been taken lightly, we are aware that its very unfair on DS to have disrupted his stable home and then have daddy move back again but we both really want to try again and change some areas of our relationship dynamic.
Anyhow, cut to me telling my (divorced) parents. Mum said "oh right, I will just wait for the next fall out then". Dad just said "oh", when I asked him if he was pleased he said very unenthusiastically "well whatever you want I suppose, but he's going to have to change". I am so very hurt that between them they couldn't muster any support or positive comments. I realise they will be concerned that this may not be the right thing but was hoping for some support and feel really upset. I guess it shouldn't matter what they think but somehow it does and its made me feel so sad.
Neither of them are award winners in picking perfect partners or conventional relationships- Dad on third marriage to very lovely but totally unconventional Thai lady 20 years his junior. Mum on fourth relationship with nice man (second and third were abusive) whom she treats with contempt much of the time.
I know I shouldn't care but I am really hurt. I haven't confided the details of our split with them as I find them difficult to talk to but if they asked I would be able to explain to them why we have taken this decision.
So AIBU or are they wrong not to be supportive?
You are their DC so they would be protective.
Perhaps they feel guilt about the whole situation, it's not as if they brought you up in stable commited relationships and they hardly stand out as shining examples for you to base your life on.
Spend your time and effort on your relationship, you think it's worth saving and that's what is important to you.
YANBU - unless they think there was something abusive/damaging going on in the relationship?
I think you said it all in your third-from-last paragraph.
You seem (to me) to have taken a mature and reasoned approach to mending your relationship, but maybe they don't have an experience of doing this themselves.
Looked upon more charitably, possibly they assume somebody has wronged somebody else here (because you haven't - wisely- told them details), and are wary of you getting hurt.
YANBU to expect more support.
All the best
You may not have realised your relationship was hitting the rocks but I think your parents did, by the sound of it. They will have seen you (who they love) increasingly unhappy and then angry, lonely & left to cope with your child on your own. And this will not have made them feel warm and fuzzy towards your partner. You've reconciled all of this... they are allowed to be more cautious.
In answer to Missus84, no abusive or damaging behaviour. As thing went downhill there was plenty of room for us both to be nicer to each other, help each other out more etc.
Wish they could be happy for me. It feels like they have taken the wind from my sails and I don't want to talk about it with DP for some reason .
Chil1234 your first post makes me feel uncomfortablebut you make a good point. In answer to your question: yes he does like them but I know he will be hurt by their reaction, and probably a bit confused (I would be hurt if I thought his parents felt this way).
The thing is we are starting afresh, we've agreed to be open about our feelings and I am contemplating hiding this thing that has upset me to protect DP. Not a great start.....
Get it all out on the table with him. He needs to perhaps have a chat to your dad and mum and reassure them that he has the best intentions for his family.
YANBU - the thing is, I think both your parents don't have much experience of how people "get over" these blips in a working relationship. They may be worried that you are "papering over the cracks" or putting up with things that ought to be challenged. All you can do is show them over time that you have a good relationship, and that it is quite possible to drift apart, fall out, and mend it!
They are protective of you, anyone who has hurt their dd gets short shrift even though they might not have a good track record themselves. They have probably also made negative comments about him after the split in support of you and feel they now have to backtrack. Ideally they should be more supportive but give them time. Once it is clear you are happy and dh is back for good they'll come round.
I think you need to remember you and DP were reconciled after a great deal of talking and working through things - so you feel positive (which is great) but your parents have had it presented to them all at once - they will need time to reconcile too.
I imagine they are worried about you getting hurt, and see your DP as the person who hurt you. They may be mistaken, but give them time, let them see you and DP happy again together, and they will come round.
YANBU but they probably are being protective and also do not understand from personal experience how this can happen.
A bit too late as you have had that first call but it is really important how you put the news across. Starting with "I have some news I am really pleased about" or similar to give them the hint. Might be good to use when telling anyone else.
I had a similar situation when I first told my Mum I was pg with dd, (her first gc). She was very lukewarm and I was absolutely gutted (still makes me feel sad 5 years later) When I asked her about her reaction a few months later she said that a few months prior I had had a big fall out with dh and had told her about it (was crying when she called me apparently) She presumed from this it was all over - (not at all, storm in a teacup!) - so was just in shock when I told her about the pg. Parents can be funny creatures.
I think you need to tell them how it made you feel; let them know this was a really big decision for you but you are so pleased about it and would really like their support. They are bound to be wary but will hopefully come round.
My parents only ever saw the miserable side of my sister's relationships - never the positive - as sister only ever seemed to visit them or speak of the male she was with when she was upset with them. She wouldn't specifically tell them what was going on, but it was always very clear from off the cuff comments and her general attitude that she was unhappy or upset. Small wonder that they never liked anyone she was with.
they are entitled to their opinion.maybe dont seek their approbation.you are adult parent with complicated relationship,you need to be comfortable with choices.
good luck hope works out
if you drag the detritus of marriageto them they will judge,be more circumspect if you dont want opinions.
No I didn't go into details with them- just a vague explaination. I always hoped we could work it out so didn't want to say too many negative things about DP. Plus I wanted to make it as easy as possible for them to be reasonable towards him for DS sake.
Thanks again everyone- am still sad that they can't be more supportive but your posts have helped me to understand their reaction.
Maybe its a bit naïve to expect them to think highly of him right now.
my mother would be happy enough if i split with my dp but then that is part of her circus
i'd never disucss my relationship with her or ask for her opinions
i try to do what i please and what suits me and my family
i know this sounds obvious but far too many people decide massive issues in their own lives based on opinions of others that have their own agenda experiences and only some of the facts
It sounds as if your parents have never learned to manage couple relationships; of course they are going to be pessimistic about your relationship, because if it succeeds you will show them up as the failures they are rather than comforting them in their belief that all relationships are complicated/unhappy/doomed.
YANBU doesn't sound like they should be giving anyone relationship advice but they probably just don't want to see you get hurt. it sounds as though you have both really thought this through and are committed to making it work which is what is important. i hope everything works out.
YABU to expect them to be able to see how and why you are doing this when it is clear from their own relationship that they can't do this. One day they will hopefully be happy that you managed something they didn't.
Good luck, btw I wouldn't keep it from him if you have made being honest the corner stone of the fresh start.
trust that you will word your parents reticence towards your partner carefully. But I would point out their hopeless history. That, believe me, colours their reactions. Good on you for sorting things out. Its what all the agony aunts suggest. Be bold in your ventures and enjoy. good luck
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