to be so [irrationally] annoyed about this!!!!(14 Posts)
Quite a bit of history to this but basically the jist of it is I have an older and a younger sister. Older sister is constantly having 'issues' with me, younger sis or our parents arranging to do stuff together and not including her, when the truth of the matter is that she is so flakey that she either forgets she's been invited, then declines, declines outright or simply ums and ahhs until the last possible minute then pulls out anyway. She never seems to commit to anything unless there's nothing else better for her to do.
Most recent example being me, Dh and DD booked tickets for us and my mum to go watching a show (a show which DD takes an active interest in and mum absolutely loves, older sis never shown an interest). When the tickets were booked (6 months before the event) I couldn't get hold or younger or older sis to ask if they wanted to come and didn't want to lose the excellent seats already reserved, so went ahead and booked the tickets and said we'd pay for mum to go as a surprise for her birthday. Show day rolls around and older sis said she would look after DS while we went, but not before pouting and whinging that she hadn't been included, put a bit of a downer on the event. Younger sis couldn't give a stuff and understood why. I just knew if I booked tickets for older sis without getting hold of her to ask she would have pulled out and said she couldn't afford it and we just didn't have that extra £45 to cover it.
Sorry, this is getting long. I'll get to the point. Over the weekend older sis overheard me and younger sis discussing going to pics this week and retorts 'well, were you going to invite me?'. I replied that of course we were and proceeded to make arrangements for all 3 of us to go on weds. I text both last night saying after checking DH's shifts I was still def on for weds and asking younger sis to check film times so older sis and I could arrange a time to set off (older sis and I are local to each other, younger sis about 45mins away and plan was going up her end for cinema).
Anyway, older sis lets me know she's not been so well last couple of days and won't be going, I wasn't surprised but felt a bit sorry for her as she is early stages of pregnancy and v tired. So I asked her if she wanted me to bring her anything, she replies no, she is going out for tea tonight. So I said 'oh you better now then?, let me know if you change your mind about weds' then let younger sis know she wasn't coming, younger sis said she had spoken to older sis who was out in town shopping today as well. My thoughts now being, if older sis is ok to spend the day shopping and out for tea, she can at least make the effort to sit in a bloody cinema with her sisters for a couple of hours!!!
I am so pissed off about this attitude of hers, that she makes a fuss over any hint of anyone doing anything without her and then when you bend over backwards to include her it gets thrown back in your face!!
Like I said, I probably am BU and irrationally angry about this but I just can't go on biting my tongue about stuff like this for years to come, but if you have a go at her for anything she's excellent at turning things round and playing the wounded card. It's easier to bite my tongue about it for the sake of getting along with everyone but her paranoia about being left out of everything is just wearing really thin.
what did she say?
when you invite her places do it by text so you can prove you've done it if she claims otherwse
My mum does this, I think that often people like that just want to be seen as the wronged party.
She doesn't actually want to do x y or z, but she wants to be the poor little soul who nobody loves enough to include.
I just let it slide tbh, it's part of her character and we all just work around it. If she makes a sad face I pretend that she is smiling, and just stay as smiley as I usually would be. If you act as if you can't see the mood, then there's not so much point in them putting it on.
The way I'd deal with it would be to ask her whenever you're doing something, but say that you need to know by x,y,z, and if she does her usual thing, carry on without her. She'll soon learn that she's welcome on your jaunts, but you're all adults and you can't be expected to bend over backwards to accomodate her. Middle children are often the ones trying to please everyone, and there comes a point where you have to stop.
make her pay for her ticket when you book.
give her deadlines to answer by.
ie. stop pandering to the crap in a nice and firm way.
I really must stop getting myself worked up about this, but it just does my head in - I couldn't care less if she arranged a whole day out with our parents and didn't invite me, chances are we're find something else fun to do but if the tables are turned there's no end of passive agressive comments for months. She's so lovely that the way she says things make you end up feeling like you really have done something wrong!!
She's got this idea that our parents see our kids more than hers. The only reason for that is that we arrange stuff with mum and dad and if I make plans I stick to them not pull out at the last min or don't commit to a date and then whinge that they don't care and that the kids hardly know them anymore. It's like she wants the baggage! She's always commenting to me about mum and dad not seeing her/kids enough and how it's really hurtful etc etc, then I never know what to say - but the last time she asked mum to go over in the afternoon she'd gone to bed for a couple of hours (to be fair she was knackered). It's like a no-win situation, whatever you do, it's never right.
YANBU. She has a bad case of the martyr syndrome with some powerplay as well - she doesn't really want to do stuff, she just wants to be asked so that she has the choice to pick something else - or she gets to whinge that no one ever invites her to anything.
So - what would I do - I'd do what SPB says actually, just send her a text telling her what's happening and then plan it as though she isn't coming. If she comes, fine - if she doesn't, then nothing is disrupted.
She doesn't get to play the martyr because she is always included - but she doesn't get to play her power games either because you carry on regardless.
How does that sound?
Sorry, x-posted with you there. The more you say, the less pleasant I think she is! She has seriously got some issues going on - God knows what she's playing at - but she's bloody good at it!
Tell me - are you the only one who finds it upsetting or do the rest of your family have problems with it as well?
Am a bit at her going to bed when she knew your Mum was going over - that's pretty rude.
Time for straight talking or hold your tongue for ever. Point out each time she has failed to turn up/cancelled etc and ask out right "Do you understand why I get exasperated?" If she can't then you have put you point across and if she can then hopefully she will take it on board.
Either way I don't think she will change - and she is your sister, not your friend so you can't ditch her
If the shit hits the fan with anyone in the family and they really need her, either as a shoulder to cry on or carrying a bucket and mop because a pipe has burst, is she there like a shot? Or does she run a mile?
She's under 10 weeks pregnant with an under 2yo but 3 teenaged children (between 17-19y) so although she gets a bit of help with the youngest from them she doesn't like to put on them too much and the 2yo is a handful, so I can sort of understand how knackered she is, and the going to bed (mum and dad 5 mins walk away so not a big drive or anything).
Younger sis sympathises but doesn't get as riled as me, but I tend to see more of older sis than younger sis does at the mo so I seem to experience most of the whinging/catty comments. Mum is quite a quiet soul, she doesn't seem get angry about it but I think she finds it upsetting effectively getting accused of favouritism. Dad just won't discuss it as, he just can't be bothered, he knows her best and says the way to 'handle' her is as others on here have said - tell her matter-of-fact about everything family trip, meet-up, visit and leave it up to her to decide if she wants to come but then she can't complain she hasn't been told. Which is what I lean towards doing anyway but she will still moan about having missed an event or day out even though she knows damn well she chose to opt-out.
I fear I have actually missed quite a big motivation for this behaviour out, sorry for not mentioning this sooner but it genuinely didn't occur to me . Mentioning how quiet my mum is about the situation. She is actually my older sister's stepmum, my dad and late nan actually raised my sis from a baby as her real mum (who was talked out of aborting my sis according to my dad) pretty early on, so my mum has been a firm fixture/mother figure to older sis from her being about 6/7 I think. My sisters contact with her 'real' mum has been pretty sporadic and has been non-existant for probably more than 10 years now (we were recently informed she was dying, so could well have passed away, but my sis didn't want to see her).
It's a bit of a biggie that one, whoops
should be, 'left the marriage and sis pretty early on'
Stop trying to placate her over it - just tell her straight - "you had the choice and the info, you chose not to come, live with it. We're not cancelling our event just because you choose not to grace us with your presence".
But I am a bit on the heavyhanded side.
Don't allow her to moan and bitch about the rest of the family either - say straightly
"look, you can say what you like about me to my face - and I would prefer you did the same regarding the rest of the family. I don't want to hear your backbiting comments - if you have problems with Mum/Dad/Y. Sis, take them up with the individual concerned, NOT me."
You are facilitating her extremely bad behaviour - you wouldn't tolerate it in your own DC, now would you - so don't tolerate it in her either.
whoops x-posted again - now I look a bit overharsh! Ah well, never mind - I still think my advice stands - she has a chip on her shoulder and there is very little that you can do about it.
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