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to expect good wanking etiquette?

(261 Posts)
bashon Sat 05-Jun-10 13:18:58

eg thou shan't leave thine wanky tissues anywhere else but in thine bin.

Hullygully Sat 05-Jun-10 13:19:37

I always think they look quite nice strewn about the breakfast table.

bashon Sat 05-Jun-10 13:21:32

yum.

colin and justine always use ivy, fruit n shit but why not wanky tissues?

lifeissweet Sat 05-Jun-10 13:24:03

My friend's Mum got so sick of him leaving deposits everywhere as a teenager that she knitted (yes, knitted) him a little mitten to mop up after himself. She then washed it weekly and put it on his bed all nicely ironed. This is no joke. It did eradicate the wanky tissues scenario, though.

Meglet Sat 05-Jun-10 13:25:28

we need more details on the knitted wank mitten shock confused

southeastastra Sat 05-Jun-10 13:26:45

omg at the hand knitted wanky hanky shock

muggglewump Sat 05-Jun-10 13:26:50

OMG. Knitted wank mittenshock

MillyR Sat 05-Jun-10 13:26:58

I am going to be haunted by the thought of that knitted mitten for years.

bashon Sat 05-Jun-10 13:29:15

no doubt he has a mitten fetish now... unable to ejaculate unless wrapped in wool.

<shudder>

lifeissweet Sat 05-Jun-10 13:36:54

Well - we found out about it about 12 years ago and have never quite got over it. I still can't look his mother in the face.

My friend went out with a man a couple of years ago who liked her to wear a big woolly jumper during sex. That brought it all back. I wonder whether this isn't more common than we realise.

Horrifying.

AnnieLobeseder Sat 05-Jun-10 13:39:33

Oh lordy! Wank mitten! I have spat my mug-o-noodles all over the computer!

SirBoobAlot Sat 05-Jun-10 13:40:20

Knitted wank mitten?! <boak> Big woolly jumper during sex?! <double boak>

Lifeissweet you have odd friends grin

AvadaKedavra Sat 05-Jun-10 13:40:41

When I opened this I have to admit I recalled the episode of Friends with Chandler's gym sock grin but a hand knitted wank mitten, wow, that's some mother love that is....... errr....... confused

bibbitybobbityhat Sat 05-Jun-10 13:41:56

(Knitted mitten funny but may I just roffle at Hully for a moment)

Meglet Sat 05-Jun-10 13:43:06

I can just imagine old ladies knitting wank mittens to sell at summer fetes alongside booties and cardigans.

itsonlyajob Sat 05-Jun-10 13:49:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImSoNotTelling Sat 05-Jun-10 13:51:27

Crying with laughter here grin

Knitting a wank-mitten is going above and beyond the call of motherly duty, surely!

I mean what did she say when she gave him the wank mitten? And he actually used it and gave it to her to wash? It's all just <gag>

KurriKurri Sat 05-Jun-10 13:52:58

One of my DS's flat mates used to wank into a sock. Just thought I'd sharegrin

dwpanxt Sat 05-Jun-10 13:59:41

There was one of those late saturday night programmes -Don't forget your toothbrush or possibly a Graham Norton offering. Anyway part of this programme was to embarrass members of the audience with things brought from home and shown to the public. Teddy bears on grown mens beds /decidedly iffy 'lucky' pants - that type of thing.Nothing too scandalous. Until one girls held up a sock. A normal ,sport type sock and handed it over the the host.He held it by fingertips and asked why this sock was embarrassing?
Of course it turned out to be her partners 'wank sock' which she graphically described in use. Poor partner had to sit while the audience screamed hysterically at the sock.

I wonder what happened in their relationship after the programme?.

blinks Sat 05-Jun-10 14:07:42

i've just set up a new WI and am going to put wank mitten knitting on't agenda.

susiecutiebananas Sat 05-Jun-10 14:08:37

I am, and will be disturbed for life now, lifeissweet

I wont be able to even look at my dear little DDs winter mittens in the same way anymore

THere are some very strange mums out there... above and beyond the mums remit IMHO. wink THank god I've got a DD...so far!

susiecutiebananas Sat 05-Jun-10 14:10:27

BTW Bashon I am assuming, as I think we all are, that you are referring to your son, and not your fella? shock

TheJollyPirate Sat 05-Jun-10 14:19:32

OFFS - is this my future with DS (now 7)? A load of wanky tissues or a knitted wank mit.

I am resigning as his mother right now.

MrsChemist Sat 05-Jun-10 14:23:12

Do you think he still uses his wank mitten? Maybe she knits him one every Christmas.

AvadaKedavra Sat 05-Jun-10 14:26:24

what colour was it originally grin any pattern to it?

bashon Sat 05-Jun-10 14:27:03

Not son. Husband... Often leaves the odd rogue encrusted tissue by his side of the bed.

chaostrulyreigns Sat 05-Jun-10 14:27:42

Is this destined for Classics?

grin

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:28:33

avada, I'm sooooo glad it's not just me who needs to know the style and colour grin

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:29:13

I'm imagining shades of red in a moss stitch?

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:29:32

nonono

slate blue/grey

CUNextTuesday Sat 05-Jun-10 14:30:27

I wish I hadn't started reading this as I tucked into my caesar salad with feta cheese sad

MrsCadwallader Sat 05-Jun-10 14:31:03

Oh, good god, I wish I had never opened this thread confused.

I have three (currently small) boys. I had braced myself for the teenage years, but only in terms of the vast quantities of food, the smelly gym kit, the smelly bedrooms, the revolting bathroom, the excess of testosterone and Lynx and hair gel....... I had completely failed to consider...... to consider....... THIS! confused

<weeps quietly>

MrsChemist Sat 05-Jun-10 14:31:13

What happens if she accidentally shrunk it in the wash? grin

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:33:44

She could have set up a lot of future problems there, that knitting mother.

What if that became the only way he could get off?

Imagine a bloke producing a little knitted mitten on a first date?

(Not that I sleep with blokes on the first date, of course)

bashon Sat 05-Jun-10 14:34:18

Well, my tissue troubles have been sidelined by a wank mitten.

if I wasn't already depressed....

EarthMotherImNot Sat 05-Jun-10 14:34:22

would feel like a virgin againwink

WilfShelf Sat 05-Jun-10 14:34:25

MrsCadwallader, me too <three boys>

I am currently paying my 11yo to do his own laundry in preparation grin

Slovenlymummy Sat 05-Jun-10 14:37:23

Friend of mine came back from uni one weekend and started cleaning her teenage brother's bedroom (not sure why...bit of a mother hen type character perhaps) Anyway, as she was picking up loads of crumpled tissues, he walks in and she says 'oh poor DB, have you had a terrible cold?' As he turned red and mumbled a shifty yes, the penny dropped. Don't think she cleaned his room again! grin

MrsCadwallader Sat 05-Jun-10 14:37:25

WilfShelf - good thinking. My eldest is still only 7, but it's never too early..... Not sure about the payment though [biggrin]

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:37:25

bashon grin

But come on, a wank mitten?

AvadaKedavra Sat 05-Jun-10 14:37:35

Ah you just wait til your boys delightfully tell you over breakfast that they had a "wetty" hmm

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:37:47

we can't just let that one lie now can we?

susiecutiebananas Sat 05-Jun-10 14:38:04

Your HUSBAND?? shock

I would have incredibly strong words to say about this behaviour! its disgusting - son or husband. But for some reason, the fact its your husband makes it just even worse.

Horrible! I hope he's suitably embarrassed that you should keep finding and disposing of them.

I still can't get out of my head the thought of my dear little girls winter mittens I will never see them in the same light again.

MrsCadwallader Sat 05-Jun-10 14:38:14

I mean grin

blush

bearcrumble Sat 05-Jun-10 14:38:36

If she shrunk it in the wash presumably wanky son would be thrilled as he'd think it was his cock that had grown rather than the jizz-mitt that had shrunk.

weegiemum Sat 05-Jun-10 14:38:44

I can't knit mittens, or socks

<failed mother emoticon>

MrsChemist Sat 05-Jun-10 14:38:47

<boak> at wetty

AvadaKedavra Sat 05-Jun-10 14:39:13

Do you think she helpfully made a string for them to go round his sleeves in case he dropped it in the heat of the moment?

chaostrulyreigns Sat 05-Jun-10 14:39:27

I think I'm a little strange:

I'm more agog about the fact that she ironed it!

Surely she had too much time on her hands? grin

Actually, perhaps her DS did too! wink

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:39:47

crochet would be fine weegie.

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:40:05

actually no, it wouldn't would it?

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:40:47

avada grin grin grin

chaostrulyreigns Sat 05-Jun-10 14:40:53

Nice one Avada.

MrsChemist Sat 05-Jun-10 14:41:33

If it was a snug fit to begin with though, it might not fit after shrinkage. Then it might render the mitten ineffective and they would be back to square one <needs to stop thinking too hard about this>

weegiemum Sat 05-Jun-10 14:43:01

I can't crochet either.

I could do a patchwork one! Might look a bit too much like an oven mitt though??

giraffesCANdriveAcar Sat 05-Jun-10 14:43:25

<snort> at thinking "too hard" about the wank mitten.

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:43:39

slightly scarey wank mitten

AvadaKedavra Sat 05-Jun-10 14:45:55

I wonder if the cabling adds an extra va va voom to the whole wankage?

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:47:15

avada you and I are far too interested in the design.

Could we have a fledging business here, i wonder?

AvadaKedavra Sat 05-Jun-10 14:47:16

here Bashon - no more crusty tissues for you, are you handy with the needles? smile

bashon Sat 05-Jun-10 14:48:30

so, typing through my tears... is a wank mitten the answer to my problem?

i don't knit well... it'd be all holey.

MrsChemist Sat 05-Jun-10 14:48:57

this is what I imagine when I think wank mitten TBH

VengefulKitty Sat 05-Jun-10 14:49:14

ROFL @ this thread!

<boak> at wanky hanky and shock at the mother!

<Boak to the power of 10> @ leaving wanky tissues about.

Mind you, better than what XP used to do. He used to wipe it all over his discarded boxers/T-shirt/towel... very grim come washing time.

EdgarAllenPoll Sat 05-Jun-10 14:52:07

'knitted by nans'

phnarf phnarf...

TiggyD Sat 05-Jun-10 14:58:25

I think a wank mitten would need to look sexy somehow.

bashon Sat 05-Jun-10 15:00:12

feathers?

chaostrulyreigns Sat 05-Jun-10 15:00:40

Maybe the people who make Shreddies (sssh now) should diversify?

grin

Janos Sat 05-Jun-10 15:04:16

Bluergh.

Reacting only to OP,here, but my XP used to leave a 'wank sock' lying next to the PC.

How gross is that?

TiggyD Sat 05-Jun-10 15:08:42

I can imagine the whole range:

Feathered ones for formal evening wanks.
Black leather ones for BDSM wanks.
Rainbow ones for gay wanking.
Ones with that fish symbol on for all the christian wankers.
Tweed for when Stephen Fry wanks.

I hear Michael Jackson had one that he never took off![wank] sorry [wink ]wink

chaostrulyreigns Sat 05-Jun-10 15:12:06

Non-stick Silicone ones for those stubborn stains?

Ryoko Sat 05-Jun-10 15:13:50

You people are disgusting (well not you people but the males you know).

my brother never left wanky hankies about and my other half all ways put tissues and condoms into empty pop bottles before putting them in the bin when he lived with his family.

I'm worse then that, when I was young and needed to change my pad at night I used to leave it under the bed until morning, that was until we got raided by the police in the early hours and they searched every room blush.

bashon Sat 05-Jun-10 15:16:37

He's not at wank sock level. Tissue was under bed but peeking out as if to say "Yooo hooo!"

Usually they're down the back of the bed.

Mittz Sat 05-Jun-10 15:20:42

<<snort>> always a laugh on MN.. I only came into make a cuppa and now my stomach muscles ache from laughing..

Were the wank mittens like baseball glove things with a little catch pit?

frakkit Sat 05-Jun-10 15:28:27

I am shaking with silent laughter over the wank mitten- can't bring myself to explain this to DH.

I want to know what kind of wool it was. Hopefully not that eyelash stuff... What wool do you reckon works best for a wank mitt?

sarah293 Sat 05-Jun-10 15:33:16

Message withdrawn

Snobear4000 Sat 05-Jun-10 15:35:48

A colloquial term for a wank sock, in the land of gentlemen, is the "dream catcher". FYI.

mumofthreesweeties Sat 05-Jun-10 15:38:55

ROFL and LOL

mumofthreesweeties Sat 05-Jun-10 15:44:01

Tiggy, you are bad for my health. Cant stop laughing my head off at 'black feather for formal evening wanks; genius

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 05-Jun-10 17:56:26

I am sitting at a family BBQ and have just had to explain why I am pmsl! confused
I definitely can't do better than the sank sock, but I can confess that my dp does leave tissues lying by the bed, and if I don't make him tidy them up, the dog likes to steal and eat them!

BalloonSlayer Sat 05-Jun-10 18:03:21

For those Mumsnetters who worry that they are falling short in their parenting if they are unable to knit such an item for their teenage son, I'd suggest that a mobile phone sock might do the job well enough.

In fact, I have often wondered who on earth bought them and why, and perhaps I have now been enlightened.

ShowOfHands Sat 05-Jun-10 18:11:16

But mobile phones are so small these days. Surely those socks are too small for the average man? Has a survey been conducted? it should. It could be sponsored by Orange. Orange Wednesday gives way to Wank Friday. Oh I can see it now.

Mittz Sat 05-Jun-10 18:12:21

Thank you BS.. I will NEVER EVER look at a phone sock in the same light again gringrin....

<<burns the one with 'Hello Kitty' on it...>>

drosophila Sat 05-Jun-10 18:17:06

Is wool that absorbent?

stubbornhubby Sat 05-Jun-10 18:17:39

I can only say that greater love hath no woman than she who knits a wank mitten for her son.

Do you think he just lobs it in the dirty clothes basket when done.
delicate cycle- hand wash only?

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 18:18:40

"formal evening wank"

arf

AlCrowley Sat 05-Jun-10 18:19:46

ew at hand washing the wank mitten!!

Mittz Sat 05-Jun-10 18:19:55

It's the way forward

zisforzebra Sat 05-Jun-10 18:30:08

I think it would have to be cotton or bamboo for softness and hot washability.grin

ClaireDeLoon Sat 05-Jun-10 18:31:57

On my active convos:

Am I being unreasonable?
to expect good wanking etiquette? 87 05/06/10 18:19 Mittz

Am I being unreasonable?
to use a cushion 57 05/06/10 18:19 stubbornhubby

using a cushion is NOT good wanking etiquette, I checked in Debrett's.

ClaireDeLoon Sat 05-Jun-10 18:32:29

As in they were after each other in the list btw.

JackBauer Sat 05-Jun-10 18:36:10

ROAR

Malificence Sat 05-Jun-10 18:50:02

I have heard of those silicone wii remote covers being used for the purpose, according to DD.
Makes marginally more sense than a woolly wanky sock I suppose.

The mind boggles - do people not know that you can buy male masturbatory toys for a few quid? There's even a silicone knobbly glove called a jack off! grin

WilfShelf Sat 05-Jun-10 19:08:27

<disinfects wiimotes>

MrsChemist Sat 05-Jun-10 19:23:31

drosophila, I was wondering that as well. There are surely better things to make a wank mitten out of than wool.

expatinscotland Sat 05-Jun-10 20:14:07

'I have heard of those silicone wii remote covers being used for the purpose, according to DD.
Makes marginally more sense than a woolly wanky sock I suppose.'

O.M.G!

But you know, I don't see how that would work well because there are all those great holes in it so you can touch the controls.

Surely the penis would slip out during the wank?

Malificence Sat 05-Jun-10 20:29:15

DH was sceptical too, but I don't think he's actually tried it to find out. grin

I bet teen boys will have a go with almost anything, I'm sure I heard of someone using a jar of thick cut marmalade!

Is no-one going to admit to leaving post coital tissues lying around then, or is it just me? blush We always have to use four - two each, plus a baby wipe! They are always stuck to my bedside table in a morning, DH passes his to me when he's mopped up, thanks for that hmm.

expatinscotland Sat 05-Jun-10 20:30:59

We're still on condoms till DH gets the all-clear from his snip, but Mal, wouldn't it make more sense to perhaps put a bin next to the bed for these tissues covered in bodily secretions?

hophophippidtyhop Sat 05-Jun-10 20:32:36

Bet it wasn't mohair -imagine all those little hairy bits coming off and getting stuck!

BertieBotts Sat 05-Jun-10 20:34:57

Oh god, XP used to leave masses of tissues by the bed. Every time I tried to instigate a bin it would be missed every time.

Mind you the housemate we had for a while was worse - he used to buy those "mansize" boxes of tissues like they were running out and never came out of his room - it stunk by the time he moved out, we had to get rid of the mattress confused

expatinscotland Sat 05-Jun-10 20:38:07

BOAK, Bertie! That's so rank.

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