To hate village life?

[CrowAndAlice]

What made me think i'd be happier in such a closeted place?? I have fantasies about either being in the middle of nowhere and driving DCs to school for a quick drop off / pick up or living in an anonymous city.

I'm guessing both of those have their problems too.

Everyone tries to interfere, i'm not the most sociable of people. I work from home and get phone calls from other mums wanting to pop round for coffee.

Every day it's can X come back or can i go to Y's house and if i tell my DCs not to ask for a few days i get other folk's DCs asking me.

Yesterday at school there was a scrap between two of DD1s 'friends' (as in not close but same circle iyswim) - the one who started it was hauled over the coals by the school. Last night both of the mums phoned me wanting to speak to DD (who is 8) to find out what happened as she witnessed it and one asked if DD could go in and tell the school with her. Then the other phoned and said the first one was on her way round to speak to DD in person. She went to bed a bit worried tbh an d i think their behaviour was inappropriate (and told them so).

I can't imagine my mum getting a phone call when i was 8 from two of my friend's mums about a scrap - times are odd...

I feel a line has been crossed...

[helyg]

You don't live in my village do you?

Village life is a bit like the little girl with the little curl... when it is good it is very, very good but when it is bad it is horrid.

[Goingspare]

Village life doesn't suit everyone, it is true. Your specific problem is really a school issue though, surely, and could happen anywhere? I agree that the mothers are out of order and shouldn't drag your child into it.

[diddl]

I´m not sure it´s just a school issue tbh.

Perhaps the village school is small enough for mums to feel they can do this.

[CrowAndAlice]

Yes it only has 4 classes (they repeat twice) so maybe that's part of it.

[Goingspare]

Mm, OK, take your point.

[mummysgoingmad]

This is why i left my home town, its not a village but is very rural and its like living in a giant episode of eastenders!

YANBU - and i would tell those other mums to back off and leave your dd alone.

[CrowAndAlice]

Goingspare - not sure if it happens in town / city primaries as have no experience.

The village is just so tied up in itself...

Maybe i need to move - to the edge of a nice town or something.

[Anagallisarvensis]

I was once at a party where a city girl related how she'd gone to stay with an old friend in a village. Her friend got diarrhoea so she popped to the chemist to get her some diocalm or whatever. A neighbour leaned over "Oh, is Sally unwell?" City girl said she couldn't wait to get back to the wonderful anonymity of South Kensington where no one knew or cared about her bowel movements.

Yes, the school situation sounds a bit difficult. But wasn't there that case where a dinner lady was sacked for asking a mum if her daughter was okay because she'd witnessed an incident? The school said she'd breached confidentiality or something. I'd be pretty annoyed if someoone I knew from school didn't tell me if they saw an incident involving my children. It's a bit different from demanding that a child be a witness though.

[helyg]

I think it probably is a village problem rather than a school one.

I know that when girls in DS1's class have fallen out/got into trouble all the mums have been phoning round each other and getting involved. I tend to think they should just let the kids get on with being 7!

As I say, there are lots of perks of living in a close community, and having also lived in a city I do prefer living in a rural area. But it can get a bit claustrophobic.

[TiggyR]

I'm not sure any of these things are to do with being in a village - they are to do with you being not esp. interested in the goings on of other people or their children. All those things could have happened wherever you lived! You may not be very sociable but I think it's a bit much to curtail your child's social life just because you don't want/need to get involved! You'd be feeling it soon enough if no-one wanted to know her...And if you keep fobbing people off or saying no eventually they will stop asking - you and her.

[Kathyjelly]

Would you like to swap? Just moved to a suburb with dp and am lonely, isolated and pining for my valley.

[venusonarockbun]

YANBU at all. I absolutely hate village life. I am an 'outsider' you see and have never felt accepted! Hoping to move soon to our nearby large city.

[girlywhirly]

Be grateful the mums want to see you for coffee. I've known people who really had a hard time integrating into village life and all it's cliques. Obviously if you worked out of home they wouldn't have the opportunity to drop by, and I suspect they think you can pick up and put down your work at home. The only way to get any peace is to organise a time for coffee with some mums when you can manage, and make noises about how busy your work is at other times and best not disturbed then.

Why is it a problem dc's going to others for play and tea, and you reciprocating? They need you to facilitate their friendships in this way. It would be no different in a town, or in a remote area. When you have kids, this is what you sign up for. Tiggy's right, you will end up with no support network of babysitters and your kids will have no mates. You just set a limit of once a week or something.

Regarding the fight, the mums had no right to harrass your dd like that, but you could relay information to them, or via the school if they wish to hear dd's version of events.

[celticsweetie]

Hi all..I'm new to mumsnet. I've lived in a lovely little village for 8 years now and I hate every minute of it. Apart from the small very close friends I have met (which took me at least 2 years to get to know) and interestingly were also "incomers!".

The school playground is like a shark infested pool. The cliques are unbelievable and the pleasure these people seem to get in making others feel uncomfortable is quite appalling. I am a friendly..if sometimes quiet..person who would chat to anyone but it is very difficult to get to know these people and they seem to have strict criteria in who can join their exclusive groups! Play dates at my DDs' school seem to be organised around whether the Mums in question feel you have something to offer them.

I would have welcomed someone inviting me for coffee when I first moved here and not to have gone through that isolation period.

Its taken me a long time to realise that it goes on everywhere and my experience isnt unique.

Enjoy the "intrusion" in your life from fellow villagers..just be careful!

[Rhian82]

I would absolutely hate that, you have my sympathies. I adore city centre living - I see the people I want to and chat with the people I want to, not random people who just happen to live near. I've never been one for even chatting with next door neighbours.

[darkandstormy]

sounds like a claustraphobic situation,I think it is more a problem of helicopter parenting never leaving their kids whilst they have gone aroun to another kids house for a play.This happens everywhere, it is a modern life phenomenom.Wish I knew the answer,I am like you though sometimes I wonder if I am anti social, I think like you I am just a private person.

[princessparty]

My village is all cliques and social climbing.I hate it !

[Goingspare]

We moved from a tiny village to a bigger one nearby, which is considered a bit 'rough' by inhabitants of the smaller one. Much easier to live in, and it has shops and pavements and everything.

[mintyfresh]

I can also empathise with living in a village and how claustrophobic it can be!! The school playground is sooo cliquey and it has taken ages to find a friendship group.....

However, I moved from the city where I was brought up and always felt so unsafe. I do love the fact I can go out in the evening and walk back alone! The kids all play outside without parents worrying about it. These odds all stack up for me so I won't be swopping back for city life anytime soon despite the horrendous house prices where we live!

[Katisha]

I reckon part of the problem for OP is working from home - people don't really get it. Even after 10 years of doing part of the week at home my mother asks when my days off are. (I am full-time.)
I live in a village and have the bst of both worlds really - can go in to work and see colleagues and be myself but can also be around for a certain amount of the necessary interaction with school friends and all that.
(Which doesn't come all that naturally to me.)

[CrowAndAlice]

Thanks for all your answers. They just prove it's horses for courses really. I am not very sociable - i like my own company and could do one 'playdate' a fortnight but we always seem to have so much to do of an evening or just like doing nothing at all iyswim.

Working from home seems to be an excuse to some people - i'm an illustrator too so either have tight deadlines or i'm in 'full flow' so to speak.

There as another fight today but DD kept well out of it so hopefully that will be the end of it - although i doubt it.

helyg - it's like that here with all the mums phoning round and i just think they should let 8 yr olds get on with it.

I don't feel as if i need a network of Babysitters etc. but yes, i take your point about DCs needing friends etc. even if it makes me uncomfortable. I think when i was 8 i literally went to friends houses once a term or less (but that's a whole different thread along with how big parties have got since the old days )

[Katisha]

On the friend front, it's easier now that DSs are older (10 and 8) as they take themselves off up the road to play with their friends, or vice versa, and the parents aren't required to do anything ezcept be aware of where everyone is and vaguely what they are up to.

[BeenBeta]

CrowAndAlice - it is the working from home that is the problem. That and giving your number out. People think you ar enot working if you are at home.

Me and DW work from home and never give phone numbers or email out for ths very reason. We turn down all play dates during the week and just never get ourselves into this scenario. Our DSs stay at school until 5.30 then home and bed at 7.30 when homework is done. No time for socialising after school.

We live in a small city but where we live has a village feel. Just practice being anti-social. It works after a while.

[CrowAndAlice]