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to be upset at neighbours banging on the wall?

(30 Posts)
QQQ Wed 31-Mar-10 20:44:40

Am quite new here and will try to keep it brief...
We live in a semi, had the same neighbours since we moved in 11 years ago they keep to themselves but would say hello etc (although the man was never particularly friendly). They have 2 girls who have both now left home for Uni/work. We have 2 boys age 4 & 1. As you would expect for 2 boys that age they are not particularly quiet but I don't let them run riot either. Neighbours have banged on the wall with increasing frequency since ds2 arrived 18months ago e.g. when ds1 been stomping/dancing (bloody boogie pete and his dinosaur boogie), when ds friend was having a major tantrum (it did go on for ages and I would have handled it differently if it was my dd), when ds has been crying/tantrum and when he's been dancing upstairs. It doesn't happen all the time maybe 2 times a month or so (and never when dh is home) but its really getting to me I feel like my home is not my own.

Does anyone else think this is unreasonable? Now all of these things happen during the day (no they don't do shift work next door)and from what I know from other peoples kids/houses mine are no noisier than what you'd normally expect from a young family and I really don't see what I can do to solve it. Once the kids are in bed our house is virtually silent! If things are getting loud then I'll say to ds1 to quiten down and often say do you want the man next door to bang on the wall. I don't know if this is the right thing to say, on one hand I want him to know that what he's doing affects others but on the other I don't want him scared of the miserable sod next door banging at him.

I think part of the problem is that their girls have left over the time my boys have arrived so they've gone from a family house with all its noises to a couple on their own and we've gone the opposite way so they must be more aware of the noise now their house is empty.

Any suggestions anyone? I should point out that they have not been the quietest themselves over the years with rows, music diy at stupid hours, barking dogs, a cockerel(!) etc and girls having noisy parties when parents away but we've never said anything (except about the cockerely which we mentioned politely and which they got rid of) as we accept that if you're attached to someone you're going to have to put up with some noise. So AIBU?? Thanks for reading not quite as brief as intended sorry!

Fimbow Wed 31-Mar-10 20:47:28

Oh hello, you are new, have you come over from CUK?

Maybe you should try speaking to the lady of the house?

Hassled Wed 31-Mar-10 20:49:03

Well you're not being unreasonable. As to what you can do - either just go for a policy of total disregard, or go round and try to talk to them. Is the wife more approachable? Could you corner her and say you're doing your best but kids are kids, etc?

If you go for the total disregard option, it's going to be bloody hard for you - just carry on as you were, as if there wasn't some nutter banging the wall - but eventually he will work out that the wall-banging is pointless and stop. At least that's the theory.

thisisyesterday Wed 31-Mar-10 20:50:53

i would go round there and ask them if they have a problem.
if so, maybe they'd consider talking to you about it iunstead of banging on the wall, which is quite unpleasant.

if necessary point out that they make plenty of noise too, and while you try and keep the children quiet youi can't expect them to be silent and nor will you attempt to make them be silent.

SixtyFootDoll Wed 31-Mar-10 20:51:19

I would bang the wall back at them, very intloerant.

QQQ Wed 31-Mar-10 20:52:37

CUK? Not sure what that is, have been lurking for a little while posting on a couple of threads here and there much to dh dismay as I'm spending more and more of the evening on the laptop.

I suppose I should speak to her, it was her I spoke to about the cockerel, I'm just a wuss! Just wondered if people thought it was unreasonable to be banging at us first. I know if and indeed when I did have a major problem I went and spoke to them, I just think that banging on the wall is so rude and really unpleasant was hoping it wasn't just me.

thisisyesterday Wed 31-Mar-10 20:53:21

in fact i've changed my mind.

I would go round and just say very politely, could they stop banging on the wall because it's quite annoying and the children don't like it.

don't even mention the noise you make. just ask them to stop.
if they want to then explain why they do it then so be it

SixtyFootDoll Wed 31-Mar-10 20:53:33

I would go and ask them why they keep banging on the wall.

MyCatIsABastard Wed 31-Mar-10 20:54:27

I would go round and ask them about it, politely (and when I was feeling arsey would no doubt do what SixtyFootDoll said and bang back!).

plimsolls Wed 31-Mar-10 20:54:59

It sounds like they are being unreasonable, if only for the fact that banging on the wall is (to me) a bit aggressive (but then I am oversensitive to criticism). It would be nicer if they said something in person. Banging doesn't really give you a chance to reply, does it?

Maybe you could talk to them? Explain that you understand they like things quiet, and that you do try but at the end of the day, children aren't silent creatures (unfortunately!!!) and in a semi-detached house, there is always going to be a bit of noise overspill?

There is a very noisy family in the flat upstairs from me. I would love it if they were quieter but until I can afford to live in a detached house, I'm trying to put up with it. Having said that, I do think their repeatedly-throwing-heavy-objects-on-the-wooden-floors game can sod off....

RealityIsWalking100K Wed 31-Mar-10 20:55:56

Message withdrawn

bumbums Wed 31-Mar-10 20:58:57

Hi how bloody annoying! There banging seems totally unreasonable. Its amazing how quickly people forget how noisy their own children were at that age.
I would look for an opportunety to have a friendly chat with them. Casually (and not too apologetically!) say oh sorry the boys are so noisy by the way, there very excitable at that age aren't they? (with a nice smile) See what response you get. I think you're best to address the issue with them rather than let it go on and on.
If your friendly to them they may find it easier to empathise and so deal with the noise better. Which ultimately is what you need to happen. You shouldn't have to put up with impatient banging on your walls. Would be interested to hear how you get on.smile

MrsToffeeCrisp Wed 31-Mar-10 21:06:54

YANBU.

We have had this in our previous home. It eventually made life very uncomfortable, felt like we were living with the miserable old git next door who kept banging on the wall - once even when my 3 year old DS put the toilet seat down too loudly!

Unfortunately no good advice as we didn't really try to resolve it. Instead we moved into a detached house. We're much happier now.

GuntherMcKilocodie Wed 31-Mar-10 21:12:35

Our neighbours did this when my dd was about 18 months old. She had been ill with a fever and was screaming at night. Clearly they knew we had a baby and she didn't scream like that all the time. My dh went round and had an almighty row with them and we didn't speak for 2 years! YANBU but tread carefully.

wolfnipplechips Wed 31-Mar-10 21:28:21

Oh my neighbours did this when dd had colic and cry at night, fuckers.

We moved not because of that but because of whole load of problems. Wish i'd said something though.

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny Wed 31-Mar-10 21:32:39

Pop round and ask them if they can do their DIY at a more reasonable time or give them a copy of a sex book so they can keep it going longer then a couple of bangs wink

QQQ Wed 31-Mar-10 21:33:19

Thanks for your replies everyone glad its not just me. Will see how it goes with them and if or more likely when it happens again will have to say something.

The time they banged when ds friend was having a wobbler I did bang back I was so wound up stressed out with ds friends behaviour and incensed that they banged when a child was obviously so distressed and it wasn't even my child! They went out about 10 mins later her with her head down and him with a face like thunder....

Would love to move to a detached not feasible at the moment but maybe in a few years when the kids are at school and more money coming in fingers crossed!

smokinaces Wed 31-Mar-10 21:39:11

YANBU, your neighbours are being rude. I posted a short while ago about my neighbour - me and my sons had been disturbing them for weeks and she came round to check everything was ok/complain about noise etc. She never once banged on the wall or shouted back through the wall - she popped round for a cuppa and checked I was ok, and offered some help.

My first response would be to bang back, especially as its middle of the day (not like crying child in middle of the night) but tbh I'd ignore it. If its only once a fortnight itsz obviously not too bad. They'll get some hobbies and get over it soon enough grin

SueSylvester Wed 31-Mar-10 21:59:14

I just banged on the wall. But thats because my neighbours are screaming, shouting and banging doors AGAIN for the last 2 hours and have woken the baby up twice. AGAIN.
Inconsiderate noisy fuckers.

OTOH, your neighbours sound pretty intolerant, its hardly the same thing. So YANBU.

emmymama Thu 01-Apr-10 13:02:10

i'd go round and ask if they could stop banging on the wall as its scaring the children

BuzzingNoise Thu 01-Apr-10 13:08:13

I would bang back. The sensible, calm thing to do is go and ask why they are banging, but I'm not a sensible or calm kind of person!!

Pikelit Thu 01-Apr-10 13:11:43

I don't think banging on the wall helps anyone but I do think a friendly chat might help. People can easily forget the normal sound levels produced by small children and it'd be worth asking what, in particular, does their head in. Also, if you have a semi-detached house, is there any way the more thunderous tromping around could occur on the detached side?

onagar Thu 01-Apr-10 13:29:22

I think they may be unreasonable. I generally wouldn't complain about the noises of children in any case, but if they are approachable then yes talk to them.

See you probably ARE disturbing them. That's a fact of life and not really your fault.
They have probably built up this resentment where they feel you don't care etc. If they knew you did care they might not mind so much.

It's like the music thing. I've had neighbours knock on my door and say "we're having a special party tonight. It might get a bit noisy, is that ok?" and of course then I don't mind even though it still disturbs me just as much.

Just a thought. When noise has come up before people have made suggestions to cut down noise by having more soft stuff about to absorb echoes. I don't know if that's an option here.

l39 Thu 01-Apr-10 14:23:54

I think this is a case where you can't control their behaviour, but you can control how it makes you feel.

I have a nasty neighbour who sometimes bangs on the wall. I think 'She's really pissed off, good!' and smile.

(Not that we make much noise, really, and we all have better things to do with our lives than try to upset her. I'm not a really vengeful person but just vindictive enough to be pleased when she's worked herself up over nothing and chosen to let me know.)

ooojimaflip Thu 01-Apr-10 14:27:05

Kill them.

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