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to feel guilty that I'm not a stay at home mummy living next to the sea who bakes and knits?

(181 Posts)
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 15-Mar-10 21:17:45

Well. I just looked at the mummy blog of an old uni friend. She has called it something really quite twee. I was scoffing a bit at the lentil weaveryness of it [bitchy emoticon], it's very 'we love to live as naturally as possible, today we knitted our own home baked bread' but actually then I thought it looked lovely and her DCs are probably having an incredibly lovely childhood. They live in a little village near the sea, she posts every single day with pictures of crafty lovely activities, unlike me who works and is lazy with DS and lets him do 'free play' (apparently that's an actual thing, not just being lazy) and we don't even have a garden DH takes him to the park and nursery do crafty things but I feel a bit lame.

Tell me that DS won't mind? I'm having my first serious attack of mummy guilt and I feel a bit crappy actually. Also I'm going back to work full time in May, DH will have him 4 days and 1 day in nursery, I need to for financial reasons, if I do we should be in a position to have DC2 next year, it all makes sense but I'm wobbling about only having DS 2 days a week

fernie3 Mon 15-Mar-10 21:24:19

well I AM a SAHM who lives about 2 mins from the beach and bakes (admittedly badly) and knits... and I feel guilty that I my children dont see me being independant and we dont go on holidays oh and I cant drive. Chances are that her life isnt as perfect as it seems from the outside anyway
and oh your DS wont mind - just tell me that mine wont mind the lack of disney and wont grow up thinking I was a waste of space!

MmeLindt Mon 15-Mar-10 21:27:52

Oh, don't be silly.

I have a blog and only post really fab stuff on it. You don't think that I post that the DC were off school today, DD with a cold and DS because he had nits, and we lounged about in our jammies until lunchtime, watched DVDs and ate leftover chicken pasta for lunch.

If you were to look at my blog you would be impressed by my glamorous lifestyle, but it is not all like that. Neither is your friend's life.

Lucky lucky boy, your DS - that you and your DH are sharing the childcare. He will have lots of daddy time, that is fab.

ShoudBeDoingSomethingElse Mon 15-Mar-10 21:28:27

If she has time to post daily then maybe she is not so hands on as all may seem. And why the need to post so much. Maybe she is actually bored?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 15-Mar-10 21:29:17

the grass is always greener...or rather we women will always find fault with ourselves! My mum was also a SAHM and when she worked it was within school hours or childminding at home so she was always there, she didn't use her degree and it wasn't until she was in her late 40s that she got a job that fulfilled her and she was well respected in, but I don't think she is a waste of space I respect her for giving us a really wonderful childhood (along with dad too of course) and hope DS is as close to me as I am to her.

Oh and I don't earn shitloads though - but approximately twice what DH can so it makes sense for me to work more. But we hardly have the lifestyle - we are still broke!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 15-Mar-10 21:33:12

I know he's lucky, and DH is lucky too, and it's all lovely. But I'm his mummy Oh how ridiculous. I never wanted to be a SAHM, I'd be crap at it, nobody thinks I should be, not DH, not my parents, not me, so what is my problem???

MmeLindt Mon 15-Mar-10 22:03:31

It is just normal mummy guilt. Don't fret about it.

Do what you know is right for your family, your DS will have a great time with your DH and you will enjoy every moment that you have with him.

Don't resent the time that you don't have, treasure the moments that you do have with him.

pinkfizzle Mon 15-Mar-10 22:08:09

Do what you need to do - wish others well.

I understand as I will be embarking on something similar.

Make your own way.

BrahmsThirdRacket Mon 15-Mar-10 23:00:54

Oh, come on. Your DS will be absolutely fine. I don't really see how baking etc. really gives your child a better childhood in any way. Kids don't give a bollocks where cakes etc. come from, and are totally irrational in that many would rather play with cardboard box etc. than toy.

Also, if her life is so great why is she updating everything obsessively on her blog every day? Trying to prove something, probably.

moondog Mon 15-Mar-10 23:03:51

Peopel who have such an inflated sense of self as to have a blog are deeply suspect-needing to prove something to others.

Why feel guilty or compare yourself to others?Just do the things that matter to you and yours and dso them as well as you can do.
Enough said.

MmeLindt Mon 15-Mar-10 23:06:36

Exactly, Moondog. We bloggers are all complete wankers.

As an aside, my mum used to bake every week and my brother and I would nag her to buy some proper cakes, like the other DC in our class. It was a real treat if she bought some of those iced Fancies (or whatever they were called) from Mr Kipling.

chipmonkey Mon 15-Mar-10 23:07:24

kat, cop yourself on, you're not sending the child down a coalmine, he will be at home with his Daddy, having a great old time, he will be getting a little brother/sister, he will be having fun in the park, which is way bigger than a garden, making nice crafty things at nursery and having a happy Mummy!

My Mum was a SAHM but she never did crafts with us, my Dad was arty so he did that stuff. I think my Mum possibly might have been better going out to work and leaving us with someone more domesticated than she waswink but we grew up kind of normal anyway!grin

JustAnotherManicMummy Mon 15-Mar-10 23:09:08

Just one thought: Wait until the children are teenagers.

They will be bored witless, probably stuggle with friendships because they live too far away from their school mates to socialise often and resent their parents for taking them to the back of beyond. Mum won't feel quite so smug and like posting about her perfect life when her own DC don't want to be in the same room as her... but off down the park doing drugs because there's bugger all else to do.

<Can you guess who grew up in a small village? blush Disclaimer: I did come good in the end>

MillyR Mon 15-Mar-10 23:10:43

Does anybody have their favourite childhood memory as the time you and Mummy baked a scone or sewed a cushion cover?

My mum was a SAHM. I liked it when she danced on the coffee table during Blondie songs on Top of the Pops. I couldn't have cared less if she gave up the baking and bought the cakes from a shop.

tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 15-Mar-10 23:13:03

Kat, I know exactly how you feel. I would be a crap SAHM, I think - I'm at home with my daughter only two days a week (well, three if you count Saturdays when her Dad's there too) and by the end of the second day I'm gasping to go back to work.

And she gets to spend two days a week with her Dad, too, so she gets lots of time with both parents and will grow up not thinking that Mummies stay at home and Daddies go to work but that both parents share and work as a team, and it's all wonderful.

But then she goes through a bout of separation anxiety, and I think, maybe if I was home fulltime she'd be more independent and confident because she wouldn't keep feeling like I was leaving her?

And also, it would be nice to be able to cope with a sleepless night when she's ill and NOT have to worry about making billable hours the next day. And have loads more children so they could all play together in a big chaotic household. And be able to go to library storytime which is only on weekdays when I'm at work). And take her to swimming lessons.


BrahmsThirdRacket Mon 15-Mar-10 23:14:17

Agree with JAMM, living in the country as a teenager sucks bigtime. I was always SO jealous of my friends who lived in town, even when I could drive it meant I couldn't have a drink. Bollocks to all the little lambies and baby cows, I wanted to be out on the LASH (ps sure your DS will be far more sensible than I, but fact remains the countryside can get quite tedious)

TrickyTeenagersMum Mon 15-Mar-10 23:23:17

We live in the sticks down a muddy lane with dogs sheep chickens horses the works. Our kids moan and are "bored" and miserable just the same as anyone else's - I have to force them off the computer / cbeebies to go outside. I would kill for a park to take them to within walking distance and a cafe (wow!) would be even better.
Don't beat yourself up about all this blogging crap - it's just showing off. You sound like a great mum and the bigger picture is your ds has two parents who are together, who love him, who are going to make him a brother or sister so that he has company. It's all good stuff and could be a lot lot worse.
I never bake, we had ham egg n frozen chips for tea, I can't knit and physically feel like thumping people who bring me jars of their own home made jam or chutney. As far as I'm concerned it is pure oneupmumship and I hate it.
One of my kids has special needs and that has taught me to give up all pretence of having the blogtastic, cupcake lifestyle. I'm a lot nicer person for it, too.

Ozziegirly Tue 16-Mar-10 02:31:29

I remember when my mum knitted me a school cardigan.

Christ, it was awful. Luckily she saw sense and bought be the polyester one that everyone else had. Knitting is just a thing, it's not a way to be a good mum. It's just wool.

And baking - surely your kids are lucky that you don't have to waste time baking but can just go out and buy them a cake! that's efficient time management in my book (and I quite like baking).

I do live by the seaside. It's nice, although I don't go in the water because of the many many things that will drown, eat or sting me to death.

PLUS - I had loads of "free play" as a child (aka "just amuse yourself") and it means I am an avid imaginer, reader, can make my own amusement and am happily self reliant.

Plus yes, the country is boring as a teenager. It's really hard to disguise how drunk you are when your Dad has to pick you up from parties.

foxytocin Tue 16-Mar-10 02:42:15

i'll join you in the corner and feel guilty alongside.

on a second thought, nah.

i'd rather have another frozen margarita slice of cake.

14hourstillbedtime Tue 16-Mar-10 04:13:10

Well, I'm a SAHM (for nigh on three years) and we've just hired a helper for weekday afternoons as DD is due to make an imminent arrival and I am hoping not to go insane with DH at work all the time and no family help....

Anyway, today she was asking me where all the artsy/crafty things were.... and I really had to think about it!.... we HAVE all these things (play dough, markers, chalk, etc) but do I actually USE them? Do I bollocks! DS and I do lots of reading (which we both enjoy) and also lots of laundry/grocery shopping/cooking/tidying up, etc. How else would anything get done around here?!

I promise you, much as I love staying home with my son, it so is NOT staring adoringly into each other's eyes and translating street signs into French (or whathaveyou) PLEASE don't feel guilty about going back to work...

(Oh, and, FWIW I am hugely jealous of how much time your DH spends with your son - my own lovely hubby would adore to see our DH more, but has to work all hours god sends at yucky corporate job to pay bills... You sound very lucky!!)

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 16-Mar-10 07:07:49

Oh wow. Thanks everyone. You just made me LOL (literally) and I do need to get over myself don't I! I feel a bit selfish because I like working and don't like days on end with DS...but that's just silly.

I've been back at work for ages by the way, but went from 3 days to 3.5 days, next month going to 4 and the one after 5 so it's gradual. 3.5 days seems reasonable but 5 days out of 7 is quite a lot.

But then I still have DS for 2 hours before I go to work and 2 hours after I get home so I'm also lucky there that I live close to work and work normal hours.

Thank you all so much for cheering me up and being so sensible!

dawntigga Tue 16-Mar-10 07:15:17

FFS when are we (women) going to stop bloody apologising for our life choices???????????


You do the best you can for your family. It doesn't matter a freaking jot if you are a SAHM or WOHM. It matters that you LOVE YOUR CHILDREN. It matters that they are clean/fed/looked after.


ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 16-Mar-10 07:20:09

Yes miss.


Pumphreydidit Tue 16-Mar-10 07:25:03

I grew up in such a seaside village and am just about getting over the mortification of actually having to wear Mum's home knits (socks, Arrans and skirts...)or other delights that some other villager knitted and "Would do for running about in".

Winter time was long and we teens would gather round the phonebox smoking banana skins as someone said it would get us off our faces. It does not.

The beach used to wash up all sorts of things, the sort of things never mentioned in Enid Blyton books. shock

Don't beat yourself up Kat. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

Snippywords Tue 16-Mar-10 07:30:32

"Peopel who have such an inflated sense of self as to have a blog are deeply suspect-needing to prove something to others".

Or perhaps we have stressful lives and children with problems. Personally I find that blogging is quite theraputic - only my family reads it. I update it about once a month if I am lucky enough to find the time.

OP - your friend is bored hence the blog and believe me your DS would not swap you for any other Mummy.

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